A few months ago I went to a kind of big marketplace area in the city. I went with my friend. We went to do some things before she left to go home a few weeks later. We'd done what we went to do, and were looking for other things to do while we were in the area. I'd been to this marketplace area several times before. Each time, I'd seen this sign for a cafe. It was a cafe which is actually more like a manga studio with seats available for a cheap price. We went and the guy running the place was really nice, giving us tips and telling us all about the process of making manga. We drew some pictures. We were actually there for longer than we had intended to be. I enjoyed it. The guy told me that there's a group of English-speakers that meet there every Sunday. I said I'd be back sometime to meet them, or something.

It's been a recurrent dream of mine to draw manga professionally. (Can you use the term "recurrent dream," in this situation?) It always just seemed like an endlessly daunting task that I never had any clue where to start from, though. It's kinda been on the back burner for a while, and as I've gotten older, has started to fade into the background. I mean, I'm just getting older and older... when is it time to give this up. You know what I mean? Going to this studio, however, made me want to draw manga again. I actually felt a want to do this hobby that I haven't wanted to do in a long, long time. I even started forming characters and a story around this idea I'd thought of a few years ago.

Well, as for going back, my friend was still around for a few more weeks. I wanted to spend time with her while I still could, so we hung out on the weekends and stuff. Then she went back, and I had various things that were causing problems. I was sick or stuff like that. However, in recent weeks, I've been able to go. Able to. I never actually went, though. I've wanted to, but for whatever reason, I just can't seem to bring myself to do so. I thought it was just a matter of me not wanting to get out of bed. This past weekend, though, I actually got up at an hour where I could make it out there at a reasonable time. And I just sat for a while. And eventually, I just said to myself, "Nevermind... I just can't do it..." And I went back to bed.

I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to go. I just got this bad feeling about going, like it's just going to go really wrong. I think one of the things I'm worried about is that I think this may be my only shot to actually make it as an illustrator. That may or may not be true, but that's how the situation looks as of now. If I blow it and people don't like me, it's not just that I've blown my shot to make friends, but I've blown my shot to fulfill this dream. And on a rational level, I realize that if I don't go, it's taking away my shot before I've even had it. But on an emotional level, it worries me too much to even try going.

The other part of this problem is that I feel really guilty about the money. Not only does it cost money to go out there, but it costs money to utilize their service as well. And I'm supposed to be saving money. I'm about to make a dent in savings, because I need to go home and have surgery, so there's no good reason for me to be spending so frivolously like this. Even if I do go and it goes well, I'd still feel bad because I spent so much money on this activity.

Other than the money, though, I don't know why I just can't bring myself to go. I feel stupid.