Sorry this is going to be long, but I won't feel better until write down what's been going through my mind today.

This part is about my grandma...

Just over a year ago my family received some devastating news, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. It came as a shock to everyone, she was one of the healthiest, most positive people I knew. I was never really close to her but I respected her a lot. I went over to her house all the time when I was little, and until about middle school. She was the grandma that loved nothing more than spending time with family and letting us eat ice cream for breakfast when we spent the night. My grandpa goes on trips all the time, leaving the country at least twice a year, but she never wanted to go with him.

I remember one day, years ago, it was just the two of us in her kitchen talking about something (I don't remember how the conversation started), but what she said to me next has been something I've always remembered: "After I die I want people to remember me as a good person". I felt awkward at the time, not realizing how prophetic her words would be. I didn't want to think about her dying then. But I didn't have a doubt then - and I don't now - that she will be remembered as anything less than the gracious and considerate human she was. The last thing she said to me was "thank you", as I hugged the fragile shell of what was left of her before I had to leave.

This part is about me...

Leaving my grandma's house this morning I saw her laying on the couch, knowing it would probably be the last time I would see her. But I tried not to think about it, just as I had done for the past year. I've never been one to think of myself in times of a crisis, only of others. My first thoughts as I walking into the lunchroom to see my sister in tears was that I needed to do whatever I could to make her feel better. She told me what had happened, even though I knew as soon as I saw her. The first thing I did was call my dad and get her excused from school so she could leave when I had to for track. The whole time I tried not to think about it. During the next few classes was the hardest. I distracted myself with playing in band, but it wasn't easy. When I got to calculus I just listened as the teacher went over problems I already had the answer to. I tried not to think about it.

Finally I was able to leave school, but I tried not to think about it. I took her home and went to the track meet. I realized how selfish I was. I skipped practice last week to hang out with friends but I wouldn't miss this to be with my family. I had to be the strong one, that's how my family sees me. I don't cry, nothing bothers me. My friends hugged me and asked if I was okay, I told them I was, but I wasn't so I changed the subject or told them to worry about my little sister instead of me. I tried not to think about it and I almost believed I was okay myself. After the track meet I went to youth group, another distraction. I took my friend home from that, I even helped her get asked to prom today. But the minute I was finally alone it hit me. I started crying the instant I begin driving away back to my house. I couldn't stop crying.

It wasn't the same crying from the pain of a break up. This is the first person I've been close to that has died. I don't really know how to handle it. The only reason I'm not crying now is because my dad is still awake and I don't want him to know it's bothering me. I'll just continue being the strong one right now, doing whatever I can to help out my family because that's what I've always done.