Feel a little bit more lost with every passing day. I need to be patient but I’ll be damned if that’s not hard to do. Especially when I can see all these people moving around and forward with their lives and I’m just stuck for now.

I feel exactly like I did when I got out of high school. No job, no money, nothing really going for me. Except now, I’m going nowhere because of a lingering injury. I feel consistently defeated by something I can’t overcome by sheer force of will. The pain is debilitating. I’ve not run across very many things that could stop me in my tracks like this has, and I absolutely hate it.

I was never the best of the best when I was in the Army but you’d be hard pressed to find someone who would put themselves through more stress to accomplish the mission than I would. Whether it’s just working to get vehicles ready, or physically exhausting labor, or just working through the pains that come with the job, you couldn’t find another person in my battery that could handle all of that the way I could. I have an immeasurable amount of stamina and no short supply of heart (or stupidity).

And now here I am, living in a basement and stuck without a job because the pain won’t allow me to hold one. It’s killing me and pushing my mind to the limit of what I can emotionally deal with. I feel unstable. I’d never kill myself, don’t take it that way. Only the cowards have enough courage to go through with that. But I do find myself wishing for worst case scenarios. Life or death situations. Situations where death is all but certain.

I want to be gone, I won’t lie. I really don’t feel I have a place here anymore. But I also can’t let myself go without a fight. Which wasn’t always me. That’s the person I’ve grown into. I’ve watched myself overcome so many things that I didn’t think I could do. I’ve left people astonished by feats of strength and the extent of my work ethic. And because of those things, and knowing exactly who I can be, I can’t just let myself go. I’d fight for it. I’d fight tooth and nail for every last breath even though I would welcome the end.

I once heard that a man with nothing left to lose fights harder because all he has left is his life. I think that’s exactly where I am. Maybe that’s what the warrior’s spirit is all about.