Picking up from last time, I decide to search for a flaming death-horse. I head off to Route 103, where my first encounter is...a Wobbuffet. A Pokemon that I had never cared for (in terms of strategy or general likableness), I KO the wobble-Fett and continu my search.

My second encounter is, thankfully, a Ponyta. A quick Scratch from Swickbro, however, KO's the pony in one shot. In addition, Swickbro levels up, meaning that it will now be basically impossible to whittle a Ponyta's HP down enough to where I can possibly catch it.

So no flaming death horse? *sigh*

To make matters worse, Swickbro learns the move Taunt from that Ponyta. What, you mock my inability to catch a flaming death-horse? For shame, Swickbro.

Realizing that my efforts are futile, I move west from Oldale Town to Route 104. Before proceeding to my first Trainer battle (the kid looked sketchy as balls), I decide to run around in the tall grass to see what Pokemon the Generator put here.

Unfortunately, the Nidorina that I first find poisons poor Swickbro. A quick run back to the Pokemon Center...

What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.

...and I'm back in the running. Let's see what other Pokemon are SWEET CELESTIA'S BEARD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT IS A CELEBI OH MY GOD CELEBI IS SO WEAK BUT STILL A LEGENDARY OH MY GOOOOOOD

...*ahem* Regardless, Swickbro (who I have now given a second nickname to: The Harbinger of Death, Doom, Destruction, and Disaster) manages to put the Celebi's HP into the yellow with one hit. On my next move, I throw a Pokeball and hope for the best...

...and the Celebi breaks free almost instantly. Rats. It further mocks me by using Recover to heal completely. I try Scratch again, but -- as every Pokemon player loathes -- the game decides to give me a critical hit right then. The Celebi goes down for the count.

Thankfully, I haven't run out of opportunities to catch the Time Travel Pokemon. The Generator will still spawn Celebi's even after I manage to catch one (IF I manage to catch one).

With two Pokemon mocking me thus far in my journey, I continue on to my first Trainer battle.

No, I just want to destroy the world with Swickbro. Get outta my way.

Youngster Calvin's sole Pokemon, a Slowpoke, makes me laugh. Since when has a Slowpoke given anyone trouble?...and then it uses Yawn on me, which would make Swickbro fall asleep at the end of the next turn (if I didn't two-hit KO the Slowpoke). If that had been paralysis or a faster-acting move, that battle could've ended badly: just goes to show that you can't be too prepared with this Random Generator. I mug Calvin for $80 and continue on. Bug Catcher Rick similarly falls to Swickbro's mighty Scratch.

Don't eat the blue apples, man.

Ooh, berries! Since any battle may result in sleep, paralysis, poison, or any number of unfriendly status conditions, I decide that cultivating berries might actually be of use in this playthrough. I pick two Oran berries (which heal HP) and two Pecha berries (which heal poison). These'll surely be useful sometime soon.

Celebi mocks me, my own Pokemon mocks me, and now you mock me?!

Youngster Allen hasn't left a good first impression on me, so I make sure to beat his Venasaur into the ground as quickly as possible. This speedy battle levels Swickbro up to level 12:

Started from the bottom, now my whole team...well, my one Pokemon. But still.

I notice that both Swickbro's Defense and Special Defense leave much to be desired. Thankfully, his frail outside covers the heart and mind of a fierce warrior (basically, he has a nice Attack/HP combination). If I encounter a Pokemon that Swickbro is weak to, we're gonna have a bad time. I really should catch some more Pokemon.

Allen's second Pokemon, an Exeggcute, also falls to Swickbro's savagery. I pocket the punk's $48, wondering if I have enough money yet to buy my own cruise ship. I'll need some place to hide while Swickbro devours the world.

It is when I encounter Lass Tiana that I regret checking to randomize Pokemon's palette colors.

Ho-ho-ho, Green Giaaant~

I have never found reason to laugh out loud in a Pokemon game, but the Generator has done that. A Nidoking is normally cause for mild concern, but a level 4 lime green Nidoking is just too funny. One hit and Swickbro levels up AGAIN -- now 13.

Normally, I'd have a level 13 Pokemon by about the first gym leader fight. I still have a whole city, a route, and a dungeon-like forest to go through before even REACHING the first gym. Regardless, Swickbro learns Quick Attack, now giving him a full set of four moves.

Woah, a Metagross next?

haha metagros has bandages on his face probly from shaving or somethin haha

As one of the strongest Steel-type Pokemon, a Metagross can be a problem. Thankfully, Swickbro has such a higher level that despite using "not very effective" attacks, we can still beat the metal lug.

Also, Lass Tiana is a huge bitch. Anyone who has played Emerald might know what I'm talking about. Thanks for furthering my career, you jerk.

Tiana is the last Trainer on this route before reaching the next city:

Petalburg City, huh? Mom said something about a television show that featured dad. Apparently he works in Petalburg.

I kill two birds with one stone by healing at the Pokemon Center and checking for dad there. Nope, unless dad looks like Nurse Joy. THAT would be creepy. I similarly find no sign of my old man at the Poke Mart. There's only one other building in town that isn't a house...the Pokemon Gym.

I walk inside and, lo and behold, dad is standing there like he freaking owns the joint.

JERKFACE

Wait, what?! Really?! What is with no one's parents supporting them?!

(NEXT: Wally Wally Wally.)