I think my biggest secret is I love to cry.

I always have these pent up emotions that I feel like I'm struggling against. But I can't show any of these on my face because I'm supposed to be everyone's rock. So I swallow my emotions and act like the unfeeling stone everyone expects me to be.

After a while, I actually feel like I can't feel, and this scares me. If I can't feel emotion, than am I even a human? What if I lose my humanity? What will become of the people who rely on me? My first thought isn't of myself, it's of those who rely on me. This makes me feel, as put by the words of Quin Thirrin, "a little more human again."

I think that's another reason I read so much. It lets me feel the emotions the character goes through. I guess it's also why I like action/adventure books so much. That pit in my stomach is amazing. I can see why people become adrenaline junkies; it lets them feel "a little more human."

But back to why I love to cry.

I love to cry because it reminds me that I can feel. So I go off my meds for a couple days, wait for everyone to be asleep, and cruse around the internet trying to make myself cry by looking at sad stuff. By the time everyone's asleep, it's around 3 AM, and I've found that's when I'm closest to the metaphorical edge. My emotions, especially sadness, are most susceptible to stimuli.

But I just wanted to tell someone about my secret. No one knows. So I guess a tired, disinterested forum-goer will have to do. No offense.