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The Sound of Your Heartbeat in the Dark


ghostfacekiller39

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I'm typing this sentence at 3:53 a.m. on the morning of November 23rd, 2013.

 

I've been up all night. I haven't slept since...I'd like to think my 4th period Journalism class, as that's just another blow-off elective where you just sit in class and do as you please.

 

I've worked since then, and today was an especially hard day at work, the only good thing about it was it being my payday, and about how I found out I got raised from the bare minimum to $9.25 an hour. Not too shabby, for a part time job.

 

However, that has no meaning to the work I had to do today, which was mostly pulling the heavy machinery out from against the wall to sweep the area where they stay gathering dust and wiping up the oil stains from the cold concrete floor of the autoshop, which was only exaggerated by the 31 degree weather my tiny hometown of Leonard, Texas is experiencing.

 

My feet ached, my legs were feeling as if they were about to collapse from under me; I don't do well with cold weather, especially during allergy season. I was almost sick.

 

Yet, I got my paycheck, bought a couple of Pink Lemonade-infused Monster energy drinks for a total of $8.27 (You can remember what you spend when all you have is the money you own, in case you don't know that. Plus, the crumpled up receipt that lay in a ball directly beside my keyboard is quite reassuring of my memory.)

 

Why?

 

Because I had no plans of sleeping until the Season 4 premiere.

 

I got home at 6:15 ish to see I had been added to an insanely large Skype group chat (I believe it was started by my good friend Sir.Flutter Hooves; he's everyone's friend, though, it seems, so naturally it was a large, large group chat.) The sharp, quick ringing sound that alerted me to a new message was going off every 2 or 3 seconds.

 

I may have had to put my Skype on Do Not Disturb for most of the night to prevent that now sickening computer-generated sound of a bell ringing, but it let me know something; I was ready for Season 4. It couldn't get here quick enough.

 

I finished off the Friendship is Witchcraft series with my good pal Afterwards at about 7:30 p.m; after that, we played a game on some website he linked me to, then off to inviting people onto togethertube.com, as the server had come back up just in time for tonight.

 

I messed around on that for a bit, watched a few episodes as people dropped in and out, counting the usernames of my good friends on these forums pop in and out of the room me and Afterwards were running, like sheep jumping over a fence to the rhythm of the pony's voices.

 

Oh, that lasted a good while; we'd all left around 1 a.m, at least momentarily for me and Afterwards.

 

I went to the mixify-party for a bit, but dubstep isn't really something I enjoy listening to, so I moved on.

 

I can't exactly recall what went in for the next 30 minutes, but at around 2 a.m, me and Afterwards had found our way back to togethertube, but, instead of ponies, we listened to music we enjoyed.

 

We played some good songs at the beginning. I picked a song with a ton of meaning to me ("Working Class Hero" by John Lennon.) and told him how much I was able to relate to that song, how it almost felt like it was about me. After that, we began sharing what each song we played meant to us.

 

It was a good run; I'm pretty sure he's asleep by now, though.

 

I got back on Skype to see that insanely large group chat is all but done.

 

The lights are all off in my room, and I'm alone, listening to the rhythm of my heartbeat, unable to see anything past the illuminated area that my computer moniter is providing me.

 

I couldn't find any good songs to listen to, I couldn't find anything to do at all, really. Then it hit me:

 

Why am I still awake?

 

Why was I doing this? Why am I depriving myself of some much needed rest?

 

I cannot answer this, but the feeling isn't new.

 

I'm sure we all do things like this, without really knowing the reason why. Sure, my reason for throwing this all-nighter was in celebration of Season 4, but my M.O. at this point is unclear to me.

 

We do these things all the time, don't we? Humans, I mean; we'll fight until the end, we'll abuse our minds, senses; all in the name of...unclarity.

 

We fight ourselves for nothing.

 

Oh, now, I'm not expecting anything of this sorts from you, but, tell me, have you ever seen someone you wanted to be friends with, or, possibly, even more than just friends with, prepare yourself to approach them, and just...falter in the end, due to a lack of confidence on your part? Tell me, have you ever stopped yourself from doing something meaningful to you, or even necessary to you, just because your mind tells you not to?

 

And do you know what reasons your mind has from stopping you? And, even if you do, are they well-founded reasons? Think about it; it could be a bad experience in a similar situation, but have you ever stopped to think, maybe, the bad experiences we face in life are all meant to happen? That those things you beat yourself up over everyday, maybe, just maybe, they were necessary to your growth as a human being?

 

Just think about it.

 

Do you really think you should feel this way inside?

 

The sun is always behind the clouds, even during a thunderstorm. Keep that in mind.

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Wow, um. Wow. This was really thought-provoking o:

 

That said, I'm not sure how to respond... Other than to remind you that you have such an amazing way with words, as is seen clearly in like every one of your posts o:

 

So um... yeah. That...

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