Alright, so I'm finally continuing from where I left off. Much of what I'm going to say has already been written by my at one place or another. So here I will show you one of my old blog entries I had over there.

 

Two Years Of Everypony - From SunBurn to Dark Samus

 

(Note: Proof is here)

 

It's really been that long. I would not have imagined that I'd end up beaten down into the clamped up state that I am in. When I joined EP on September 29th 2011, my expectations were moderate at the time. I posted where I had something to say and I was brutally honest with myself (to an extent that scares me a little today). As I exposed myself vulnerably and in the wake of it felt acknowleged, I had become convinced that I was accepted at a level deeper than the surface. It got something to grow inside me. For those who've known me since the early days, it is more apparent to them that I've grown less mechanical a person since joining.

 

What I saw around me at the time were individuals with a willingness to do the best they can to mirror the things in the show that kindled the kind of positivity and inspiration that was evident back then. At the time I had also been hearing about acts of kindness from bronies. Indeed, there was inspiration to spare. What I wanted to do was share some of what I know in order to give aspiring bronies better understanding to be the most helpful they could be. To this end, addiction, implicit memory and brain development became topics I talked quite a bit about, attempting to create better clarity in ponies when encountered with troubled individuals in order to talk to them and help them out more effectively.

 

Having been a heavy misanthrope myself, I knew that positivity must be backed up and fortified with sound logic and concrete facts which I think I did well enough in. That got me some appreciation as well. Though as time progressed, it was clear to me that EP was in a state of decline but I had become so invested in what I wanted to do for EP that I completely ignored this and did what I could to make things better. After all, me and IRL friends plan to live together in a single household in the near future so I constantly have to think about making sure we can continue to get along. In that context, it is a necessity and I wanted to see this work on EP.

 

The turning point is when I gave this idea... (Note: Not only am I permabanned from there, all of my posts and started threads got removed. More on that in the next part) I did my best to stay calm, technical with putting attention to execution and promising results. As crazy as it sounds, I did get some encouragement some time leading up to it. Despite the disposition I had put up, all the ragging did leave me humiliated and wounded. I expressed the disillusionment through blogs and it was nothing helpful. What blogs you might ask? Yeah, I actually took the trouble to delete all of them one by one in a fit of disillusioned rage some time before the name change. It became evident that I had to lick my wounds alone. I came to terms that EP is like any part of the internet; free and unfettered speech within the limits set by the staff. It is absolutely foolhardy to think that EP is a place to find nurturance. I've seen other members leave for that reason; expressing that they feel ignored and left out. That's the result you see when someone comes to find nurturence and doesn't find it. The fact remains that I needed to pick myself up on my own after I had convinced myself that EP was a place where people cared. Especially after how hard I tried to set the example; volunteering to be a caregiver to troubled members and in several instances succeeding in helping lift the pain and shame off of their shoulders. And there I was, just left there on my own. That feeling of betrayal left me feeling dishonored, making me quite resentful.

 

The resentment continued on. Being the allergic-to-BS type, a certain person really agitated me with his constant stream of lies and void words that only served to sound pretty. Just as I thought, that only agitated me further and I only became more negative and spiteful. It was a point of no return. Wounded, no support, more pain being dealt. "Be careful where and when you act out as it could mean the difference between getting helped, getting trampled or getting banned." What is now absolutely, unequivocably clear to me is that I had placed way too much faith in this community. It's something that seems pretty self-evident nowadays; when the rubber hits the road, everything falls apart at the seams.

 

Disociation is one of the many ways to cope with stress, hence why I consider myself an Outsider (Note: that was my actual user title at the time) but it was ultimately not enough.