I see someone actually made a 140 question extension of this, but I'm going with the 99 version. Why? Because the moment I saw #100 was "r u gay/str8/bi hur hur hur", I knew that a majority of them were either going to be awkward, repeat or childish questions, and...well, no. A thousand times, no.

 

Without further ado, for anyone who gives half a damn, my 99 Ways to Die answers:

 

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

Open; they're kind of jammed at the moment, and I'm too lazy to put them back on the tracks. What REALLY bothers me is sleeping with my bedroom door open.

 

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

My broke ass, at a hotel? Get real.

 

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

Out. I feel like I'm getting strangled when they're tucked in.

 

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

I'm not a privileged white kid who feels the need to impress his peers...so, no.

 

5: Do you like to use post-it notes?

They're useful enough at my workplace, but otherwise, not really. Unless we're talking about covering some douche's car in them. I'd do that any day.

 

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

The only coupons I keep around are fast food coupons. 'Cause I'm a fatty.

 

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

If I could have my hunting knife on hand, bear. If I'ma risk death, I'ma go big or go home.

 

8: Do you have freckles?

Nah. Moles aplenty, though.

 

9: Do you always smile for pictures?

Depends on how I'm trying to come across. When I do smile, I always make it a crooked smile. Just 'cuz.

 

10: What is your biggest pet peeve?

Pretty much every driver on the road who isn't me. I hate them all.

 

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

Um...no? Sounds like an obsessive-compulsive behavior to me.

 

12: Have you ever peed in the woods?

Eeyup. I pass by some woods whenever I go on a walk on my breaks at work, and...well, when nature calls, I must answer.

 

13: What about pooped in the woods?

Only once, during a camping trip long ago. Never again.

 

14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?

Only if I'm doing it to be ridiculous. Otherwise, I'm not a dancer. At all.

 

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils?

I like my teeth straight, thanks.

 

16: How many people have you slept with this week?

'Bout 15. It's amazing I don't have the clap yet...George just lucky, I guess.

 

17: What size is your bed?

Twin. Ditched the queen because it took up too much room...also, no GF.

 

18: What is your Song of the week?

I don't know, therefore the "chicka-chicka" battle theme from Wind Waker. Because it's playing right now.

 

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink?

Only if it's pony-related. Dead serious.

 

20: Do you still watch cartoons?

What am I, some kind of manchild?

 

21: Whats your least favorite movie?

Eh...I can't name one. I actually like hilariously bad films - it's the boring ones I don't like. And because they're so boring, I can't even remember the names of any of 'em. :T

 

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

In my cats' litter box. No one would want to go digging through stale doodie pebbles on the remote chance of finding me booty.

 

23: What do you drink with dinner?

Beer. Any beer will do...except Pabst. Fuck that hipster-ass pisswater.

 

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

BBQ sauce. I'd dip just about anything else in that shizz, too.

 

25: What is your favorite food?

Authentic Mexican is the way to go. Specifically, anything with asada.

 

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

The original Star Wars trilogy, John Carpenter's The Thing, The Fifth Element, Disney's Aladdin...probably others, too.

 

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?

If you mean romantically, probably my first (and last) girlfriend, Amber. Sure has been a while, I'll say that much.

 

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

Eeyup. Made it to First Class before dropping out.

 

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

Eh...maybe if I were ripped with washboard abs? And getting paid for it?

 

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

Some time in November of 2012. It'd have been the last letter I wrote to my BFF before he came back from his mission in Japan later that month.

 

31: Can you change the oil on a car?

Sadly, that's about the only thing I CAN do under the hood, except perhaps remove the battery.

 

32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

Nope. And I speed like I've constantly got to drop the granddaddy of all deuces, too. Wake up, CHP.

 

33: Ever ran out of gas?

Twice...once very recently, actually. Even made a status update about it.

 

34: Favorite kind of sandwich?

Club. Or roast beef. Or anything with meat other than ham. Ham is meh.

 

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast?

Short stack with bacon, sausage, and over-medium eggs. Too bad it'll be a cold day in hell before I'll get to enjoy such a breakfast in the morning. :\

 

36: What is your usual bedtime?

Try to make sure I'm down by 10:30 PM if I work the next day. But sometimes a friend will pop on Skype and spoil that plan...*cough*@Sugar Cube*cough*

 

37: Are you lazy?

I certainly have the capacity to be, but I do what I gotta do.

 

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?

A teenage mutant ninja pony. Wasn't everypony?

 

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign?

Dragon, much like all awesome people.

 

40: How many languages can you speak?

Only English with any fluency. I can carry a basic conversation in Spanish, and German to a lesser extent. And Dutch to an even lesser extent.

 

41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

Maga-what, now?

 

42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs?

Lego is best "teach your kids how to build war machines from an early age" toy.

 

43: Are you stubborn?

Can be, but only if I hold strong to a belief with little or no valid evidence to the contrary being presented to me.

 

44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman?

Neither. Craig Ferguson. Scottish. Win. End of story.

 

45: Ever watch soap operas?

Sometimes, if I'm having trouble falling asleep.

 

46: Are you afraid of heights?

*looks over ledge* Nnnope.

 

47: Do you sing in the car?

I don't "sing" in the car. I "become Dave Mustaine" in the car.

 

48: Do you sing in the shower?

Nope. Waking my entire family at 6:00 AM seems like a dangerous prospect.

 

49: Do you dance in the car?

Nah, I prefer staying alive.

 

50: Ever used a gun?

Eeyup. And I was a badass marksman. Too bad I'm anti-war, otherwise I'd make a damn fine soldier.

 

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

Don't know about portraits, but I actually went and saw a professional photographer with one of my band's guitarists last weekend and we had some pics taken of us. We WILL have legit band photos, dammit.

 

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy?

Most of the time, yeah. Only one I really enjoyed was The Sound of Music. Les Mis and its abuse of perfect fifths as "melodies" can go die in a ditch.

 

53: Is Christmas stressful?

Only if you delay your shopping like a DUMBASS.

 

<shifts uncomfortably>

 

54: Ever eat a pierogi?

Can't pronounce, therefore, no.

 

55: Favorite type of fruit pie?

Tee-hee, "fruit pie". Anyway, pumpkin...pretty sure that's a fruit. Apple's the runner-up, though.

 

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Astronaut, pilot, superhero...

 

57: Do you believe in ghosts?

I believe there's some kind of residual spirit energy in certain areas that are conducive to some scientifically unexplainable phenomena.

 

Translation: Yes.

 

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Doesn't everybody?

 

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

 

 

59: Take a vitamin daily?

Not daily, but I'll pop a C or B complex if I'm ever feeling generally drained.

 

60: Wear slippers?

Not really.

 

61: Wear a bath robe?

Nah. After the body's dry, the clothes come on.

 

62: What do you wear to bed?

Boxers and whatever T-shirt I wore that day. Sometimes I'll wear my pony PJ bottoms, though.

 

63: First concert?

Children of Bodom. They are top-notch live performers, I'll say that much.

 

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

Target, mainly because it's in town. Our Kmart can burn down for all I care.

 

65: Nike or Adidas?

Neither. Both are selling you nothing more than a name to wave in poor kids' faces.

 

66: Cheetos Or Fritos?

Flamin' Hot Cheetos. They are love. They are life.

 

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

I am Mexican, after all, so I'ma have to say sunflower seeds.

 

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?

Ooh, I know this one...hair care product, right?

 

69: Ever take dance lessons?

Move my body vigorously in a half-hearted attempt to get laid? Nah. That's what my guitar's for.

 

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

Not really. Hopefully something that'll pull weight...the whole housewife thing ain't gonna pan out if her husband's trying to make it as a musician and/or music teacher, ya feel?

 

71: Can you curl your tongue?

u mean liek DIS?!

 

72: Ever won a spelling bee?

Came pretty close in middle school.

 

Translation: No.

 

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

Nope. Squeed like a schoolgirl, but no tears. Saving my liquid pride for when I'm a daddy.

 

74: Own any record albums?

If you mean "record" as in ol' vinyls, nope.

 

75: Own a record player?

Nnope. It's cool old technology, but not exactly practical nowadays.

 

76: Regularly burn incense?

I'm not a GIRL, so no.

 

77: Ever been in love?

Eeyup. And since the danger of it being ultimately unrequited is fairly high, not worth it IMO.

 

78: Who would you like to see in concert?

Slayer, Exodus, Testament, Megadeth, Sodom, Destruction, Overkill...ooh, and Steel Panther. Dead serious about that last one.

 

79: What was the last concert you saw?

Kreator + Accept. Great performance by both, even if the crowd was kinda meh.

 

80: Hot tea or cold tea?

How about "no tea"? How about, "where's the appeal in grinding up leaves, boiling them in water and coming up with a concoction that tastes like you peed in a cup"? One of those.

 

81: Tea or coffee?

Coffee x 9,000+.

 

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles?

Um...I don't remember exactly what a snickerdoodle IS, but I like anything better than sugar cookies.

 

83: Can you swim well?

Not a particularly strong swimmer, but I could manage if I found myself adrift.

 

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

I'm guessing the only people who have trouble doing this are those who have a nasal disorder of some kind, so...yes.

 

85: Are you patient?

 

 

 

86: DJ or band, at a wedding?

Gimme REAL performers, plz. (Besides, the type of music that'd befit DJ'ing just wouldn't jive at MY wedding, you dig?)

 

87: Ever won a contest?

Not really. But if there's a "biggest jackass" contest out there, I'll have my fingers crossed.

 

88: Ever have plastic surgery?

Nope, can't see what I'd gain from that. I mean, I have more than enough man-titties in my collection.

 

89: Which are better black or green olives?

Green, but ONLY with pimentos. Whoever thought selling them with the pits intact needs to be beaten with an ugly stick.

 

90: Can you knit or crochet?

Nnnnnnnnnnnyes.

 

...No, not really.

 

91: Best room for a fireplace?

Living room.

 

92: Do you want to get married?

I don't see it ever getting to that point, as I'm hard-pressed to believe there even exists a woman worth marrying after all the rotten ones who've led me on in the past. But if I did meet the right one, then yeah, es posible.

 

93: If married, how long have you been married?

Ermagerd, first N/A question! Take THAT, survey.

 

94: Who was your HS crush?

This really awesome girl named Sonia. She actually really liked me, too, but I was too dense to realize it at the time. By the time I finally did, she'd moved on to some meathead with the brains of a sock drawer.

 

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?

Am I below the age of 15? No? Then, uh, no. No, I don't. :T

 

96: Do you have kids?

Nerp.

 

97: Do you want kids?

Eventually, but as I said before, that'd just be a pipe dream unless all the stars aligned and I finally met a woman who didn't play me for a fool. We'll see.

 

98: Whats your favorite color?

Teal. Teal is pimp.

 

99: Do you miss anyone right now?

I miss a lot of people. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I guess that's true. Ah, well.