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Life
By DerpyTacos99,
There is also the problem of feeling as if I know what my issues are, and trying to tackle imaginary stresses that simply do not exist. I convince myself that I am shy and all I want is some friends, yet I am not shy and make friends easily. I convince myself I am not good enough at anything, yet if I try anything I will always excel. I convince myself I need a girlfriend, yet I realize that it's not actually something I want to rush into, and that I'm perfectly confident and capable of getting one whenever I want.
So then, what is the problem? I have no clue. Any problem I can conjure up always has an immediate and easy solution. The problem then starts to delve deeper into my being, and I start questioning whether I have any purpose or point in life. Yet, I enjoy my life as it is, there's nothing more I want out of life. So then WHY does it still feel as if something is missing? Why am I in a constant state of uneasiness and discontent?
Life is anything I want it to be, nothing is out of my reach, I'm living the way I want to, I have access to anything and everything I need to be happy, yet still no matter what I'm doing at any given time, I will feel a sense of longing. A sense that what I'm doing is simply not good enough, and that I'm missing an opportunity for something greater.
I have endless ways to be productive in terms of education and careers, I have endless ways to stay entertained and happy, I have endless ways to exercise and stay physically active, I have endless ways to stay healthy and content, so why do I instead lay in bed and ponder why I'm feeling "so miserable"? I have anything I could ever want and the rest of my life is open before me with endless opportunities I can reach out for whenever I'm ready. I feel perfectly confident with my future, yet no matter what, I always feel like some part of me is missing. So instead of taking advantage of all the good things in my life, I waste my days away feeling devoid of any happiness, and feeling like nothing is ever enough, when I don't even have the slightest clue what I "need" to make myself feel complete. I will spend all day thinking of reasons to be miserable when I really have no reason to be.
There are people that have good reasons to be upset or miserable, yet I am not one of those people. I don't know who I am or what I want from myself. I don't know for certain what I think and feel about any given thing. I don't know what defines me as being me. The only thing I can pin down about myself is the negative emotions I feel towards my place in the world. I always have a sense that I am out of place, and that I never "belong" anywhere. Yet, who is this "I" that doesn't belong? I will always feel unsatisfied in any social situation, whether in person or online, yet why? What do I want from myself? What wouldn't feel unsatisfying? What would I need to actually feel content? How can I long for something when I have no idea what it is? That's not just when it comes to social situations, but even being by myself.
There are also other sides to my personality that I begin to pin down with negative terms, such as selfish, arrogant, egotistical, indifferent, to name a few. Perhaps labeling myself in such crude terms isn't good for myself mentally, but I find it hard to accept feeling any other way. In short, I don't know who I am or what I want out of life, and I've entered a state of limbo. Nothing bad, yet nothing good. Just time passing... Day after day... Week after week... Month after month... Year after year... The same thing, over and over...
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