To give you the big picture, I've been having trouble in school ever since 7th grade, 3 and a half years ago. I didn't pay attention in class, I didn't have very many friends, I hated living with my mother, and in general I was kind-of sad. I don't know why I felt that way, (or why I still feel this way), but I think I was just unhappy with my situation in life, nothing was worth being happy for. I hated schoolwork which I never did any of, I had social issues when someone put responsibilities on me, and no one was able to help me, they all just told me to snap out of it, which didn't work. So I started skipping school. At first I pretended I was sick, and it worked for awhile, I don't think my mom believed me but she went along with it. After a few months of going only 1/3 of the week to school, my mom got really angry, but nothing really happened, aside from a few heated conversation. And then 7th grade ended, but I didn't feel any better.
After that, 8th grade started, and I had new motivations, but they faded quickly and after about 2 months of school I started skipping again. This time I didn't even fake being sick, my mom was just angry with me all the time for not going and that made me want to go even less. Eventually, it came to a breaking point. One day she decided to take my computer. Now, until then, I managed to get through the days, on the computer. It didn't help me feel happier, but it passed time. So when she took it away from me, I snapped. I said "I'm going to live with my dad". And that's what I did, that very same day, I called my dad to come pick me up, and I've been living with him ever since. We had to go through the court system and a lot of money because my mom didn't want to give me up, but eventually we managed to settle it outside of court and I was allowed to stay with my dad. For the last three months of 8th grade, my dad drove me to school every morning, and picked me up every afternoon.
And then, 9th grade. Oh boy... This one's a mess.
My dad and I checked out schools in our area to see where I could go for that year, after all he couldn't keep driving me each day back and forth for the rest of my school years. We found one in the city closest to our little town, and I was enrolled there. The year started out well enough, I met new friends, I did some (very little) schoolwork, I was getting more confident and rid of my responsibility issues, and generally things seemed to be going up. Until the second half of the year. For some ungodly reason, I just sank like a ship made of rock. Something, something big and heavy struck me, I don't know what it was, it might have been my fear of girls, it might have been not doing my homework, it might have been pressure from my parents but for some reason, I was in depression. I wish I had a legitimate reason, but I don't.
I stopped going to school 100%, I stayed in bed for a full month, only eating when my parents brought food into my room, and barely speaking. I wondered, what is this for? Why do I need school? What is my life? Should I just end it?
My dad was very worried about me, so he called his brother, who happens to be one of the highest psychiatric authorities in my country, and he told my father of a place where boys and girls my age go to help themselves. It was a mental hospital, but I didn't know that. My dad came to me and told me of a "teen center", where people go to get out of my situation, he said there's activities and everyone is nice there, so I bought it. We went there for an interview, to see if I fit. I told them I feel bad and I don't know why. They said I'll fit perfectly to their program. They put me in the day center, not the closed facility, so I guess my situation wasn't the worst in the world. It started out nicely, I met some very kind people, I made new friends, I had a psychiatrist who gave me some pills, it was a good beginning. I had some rough moments, most of them surrounding my fellow patients, but I'll spare you the details. But that nice atmosphere didn't last long.
After about 4 months in the institution, I started noticing things, very little, annoying things. Such as activities I was forced into that I hated, and made me so mad I literally almost punched someone. Such as my psychiatrist not truly paying attention, only letting me sit around quietly with both of us staring at some weird point in the room. Another is my time in the gym (the hospital had a gym) was cut in half for no good reason other than "we felt like you need more time around other people". That last one made me extra mad, since the pills I was taking were supposed to gain me weight, so I wanted to keep somewhat in shape. All these things and many more made my blood boil, and what's even worse was that I had zero say in the matter, they wouldn't listen to me no matter how loud I (metaphorically) yelled.
So I decided to leave, and go back to a regular school. Thankfully by that point I was well on my feet, and I couldn't be farther than suicide. And that's what happened, I left the institution on July 22nd this year, and went on summer vacation. My vacation nearly exclusively consisted of my computer, sleeping and eating. But I did get a new computer, so hey I wasn't complaining. I was enrolled in a regular high-school, not so far away from my town, and it seemed like I was going to be finally fine.
Which brings me to this year. There's not a whole lot to say honestly, it was just like the rest of the years, started out really good, but at the start of this month, I dropped out entirely. This time though, my father and I were prepared.
And now, as I write these last few paragraphs, I am destined to go to a different mental hospital, it's going to be a day center just like the last on I was in, and after that station, it's off to remedial school.
But I still don't feel any better, I'm not thinking about killing myself that's for sure, but I don't know where my life is going. It seems to me all my life has been one giant sigh of "I don't care, just let me sleep", that no one has the ability or authority to just leave it as it is. These past three years all I wanted to do was stay at home and do nothing. And I still do, but out of default, not out of passion. I don't know what will help me out of this mindset, but, any suggestions?
Yes, that was long, this is my life's story, if you have any idea how to help me find passion in my life again, please share.
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