Eloquence

I guess words fail me sometimes. Heh. Let me reword that again.

Thank you. Now that that's taken care of, I'll move Sundae to second approval

@@Eloquence whew, fixed it!

Thank you. I will place Brave back in second approval now that those small issues are resolved

Sundae's looking much better, but I think you may have misunderstood one of my requests.

In the personality section, you say that it “doesn’t take much to scare Sundae”. Given the other things you say about her, I think what you meant to say here is that it does take a lot to scare her.

Saying that it "doesn't take much to scare Sundae" would mean that she is easily frightened, which would be the opposite of what you want to convey for her. 

Looks like you fixed up everything Randi made note of. Fudge looks good to me, sending him off to second approval

Brave looks good to me too! There's just one thing I noticed, the bit where it says "though they grew to be the average size a few days before she got her cutie mark". This is just kind of oddly worded, making it sound like her wings just sprouted up overnight. Fix this up and you'll be all set, though I would also point out that stating her job in the "other" section is redundant and unnecessary, since we already know that information from the backstory.

Comet looks fantastic! I'm happy to finally get to meet the pony alluded to in Alex's profile

I just found one tiny little issue to resolve before I send him along. You mention him getting his cutie mark in preschool, but preschool seems like it would be a little young for getting a cutie mark. I think simply describing him as being in school would be better there.

Taciturn looks great now! I'm excited to see what you do with this character, and happy to send him along to second approval

Hello Yoshi

It isn’t often that I see foal characters being submitted, and this one is very cute, but she will need some adjustments before she can be approved.

• In the personality section, you say that it “doesn’t take much to scare Sundae”. Given the other things you say about her, I think what you meant to say here is that it does take a lot to scare her.

• You mention other ponies teasing Sundae about her weight. In the show, we have yet to see anypony tease anypony else about their weight, so I am not inclined to assume that it would happen. Just because our society judges people based on weight doesn’t necessarily mean that Equestria is the same way.

• The idea of an adult forcing a foal to eat to the point of discomfort as a punishment seems odd and unsettling. Perhaps a better way for her to learn this lesson would be for her to overeat to the point of feeling sick herself.

• Being a part of the Manehattan CMC would inevitably mean that your character has met Babs Seed, which would count as a prior cast character interaction and thus not be allowed. Your character can have the idea to form a similar club (with a different name obviously) or can similarly be trying to get her cutie mark with her brother, but they cannot be part of the CMC.

• You mention “bad neighborhoods” in Manehattan, but to be honest I can’t imagine there are any bad neighborhoods in a place populated by candy-colored equines. Perhaps just suggest that some areas are harder to navigate than others without making parts of Manehattan sound unsafe.

Leafy looks perfectly acceptable now, in fact I quite like your additions to the character. I'll send her to second approval

@@Scribblegroove,

Hi Scribble! Just to let you know, I'm going to have to move Virtue out of Second Approval for now, as some changes made to the system have caused your character's age and WiP status to be changed so that they are incorrect. Sorry for the inconvenience, but as soon as you take care of these I will put her back into second approval. Thanks  

@, 

Hi again! I'm going to have to move Crescendo out of Second Approval for now, as some changes made to the system have caused your character's age and WiP status to be altered so that they are incorrect. Sorry for the inconvenience, but as soon as you take care of these I will put him back into second approval. Thanks

@@Brave Fleet, Great! I'll give her another look as soon as you're ready and have marked her as not being a Work in Progress  

Hello Scribble. Congratulations on bringing the first Minotaur to EqE (or at least the first that I’m aware of). Taciturn makes a great first member of his species for this section, but there are a few little things to fix up before he can be approved.

• The note about not being able to select the right species for Taciturn in the “other” section can be removed now that that issue has been fixed. As for the note above it, I’m actually not sure what you mean by it. As far as I know, there’s nothing wrong with the image you’re using, and no reason why it would need to be removed.

• Saying that the minotaurs are “one of few races” who could live where Taciturn grew up says a lot about the other races of Equestria, more than should be said about them really. As it isn’t really necessary to the backstory and could potentially cause some issues in terms of keeping with canon, it would be best if you removed this part.

• Saying that Taciturn can “make any mare fall in love with him” is a bit of a bold statement. It seems like this is meant to represent him being cocky in his romantic prowess, but it should be worded to better indicate that. Saying it this way is saying more about the female characters he’ll be interacting with than Taciturn himself, not to mention it’s kind of inviting your fellow roleplayers to disprove you with their strong independent mares

• There are a couple of instances of “Equestria” not being capitalized. Very minor, but I thought I’d mention it while I’m here.

Take care of these and your minotaur should be all set

Crescendo looks all fixed up as far as I can tell. I'll send him to second approval from here

It does look like most of what I made note of has been fixed, but I do see just a couple of places where they aren't. There is still a use of exact miles per hour in the appearance section that appears to have gone unnoticed, as well as a mention and measure of G-force. The wing beats per minute detailed in the "other" section do also count as exact measurements, and are also disallowed. The mention of discalculia in the personality section is also still present, and also needs to be removed. These should all be very easy to take care of though

Hi Scribble! Tepid looks just about perfect, but I do have one tiny issue with his application. You mention that Tepid has a fondness for fishing in the "likes" section, but I'm fairly certain that ponies don't fish, given that they don't eat animals and wouldn't want to harm them for sport.

Aside from this, all I could find were these two typos.

• “That’s why even though he’s a deep thinking, ponies will usually seem him as a doer, ”

• “ friends that he’d could call real”

Fix these up and Tepid should be all set

Leafy is looking much improved, and it looks like you more or less covered each of my points in addition to adding some new material. Thank you for that. However, reading through her revised application I was still able to pick out a few issues, so I have a few more things for you to work on before Leafy can be sent to second approval.

• We ask that specific mental disorder names not be used outside of the “other” section of an application, and to not be used at all unless they are describing something that a character has. On a related note, based on what you’ve written your character actually does not seem to have any of the symptoms of either of those disorders, therefore it would not make sense for anyone to consider her to have them.

• I am not sure if you meant for the “filly’s school” to actually be gender-specific or not, but it would be best if the school was simply a “foal’s school”, as we have seen no examples that I can recall to date of divisions by gender in Equestria.

• I am glad that you have now written a proper cutie mark story for your character, but I think your application would be improved by having the story be integrated into the backstory rather than just being included at the end

• This comment in your backstory caught my attention. “When she star she began to write books, and earned her cutie mark, she began to see that it wasn't only her mother who could make her happy, but rather the ambitions she chose and found”. Given that you say something pretty important about your character here, it seems to me like that information should appear in your character’s backstory as well.

• I would still like to know where the character of Lovesparkle comes from, given her importance to your character. You don’t have to give me a list of course, but if you could give me a first story in which she appeared that would suffice.

• While giving your character another look, I noticed something about her cutie mark. The symbolism of the quill and ink pot are obvious of course, but I am not sure what the vine is supposed to symbolize. Her ability to grow through her writing perhaps? Giving this information would be helpful for understanding the character.

Thank you for fixing those up. After another review, I did find a few more points to be touched up or fleshed out, but this should be the last time I say that

• After some consideration, the description of Octavia as a “love interest” in the “likes” section seems a bit too familiar for somepony that Crescendo has never met. I would refer to her as a “crush” to avoid making it seem like he knows this pony.

• The story of how Crescendo got his cutie mark is pretty vague in its current state, more or less just saying that he got it by helping out a classmate who was being bullied. How did he help her, and what did that teach him that led to him realizing his gift as a morale booster?

• I really like that Crescendo has a variety of interests, but for a pony with a musical term for a name music doesn’t seem to be a very big part of his life. That’s not to say that it has to be his whole life, or even his profession, but it seems like he should do more than just play the piano for fun sometimes, even if all he does is give lessons to foals in addition to his regular job.

Hello Rivka

Leafy is quite the interesting little pegasus, but her backstory needs some revising before she can be accepted.

• Wind Song should be named when she is first talked about, rather than a few paragraphs later

• Leafy is missing a cutie mark story. As this is a very important life event for your character, it should be explained how she earned her mark

• There is also no explanation for why she started talking to ponies again. It seems implied that she’s improving from her foalhood, but there is no explanation for this

• Are the books Leafy writes accounts of historic events, or are they historical fiction?

• I find it odd that Leafy only writes history-based stories when you do not describe her as having an interest in history. If that’s what she writes about, then it seems as if that should be a main interest for her.

• What book or series is Lovesparkle from, and how does she fit in if Leafy only writes about historical events? Does she add her own characters to these events?

• The changeling queen’s name is spelled “Chrysalis”, so the spelling can be fixed and the note can be removed

Crescendo looks much improved! There’s just a couple more things to be fixed up, then he’ll be good to go! Firstly, I see that you still use some exact ages in your backstory. All of these will need to be replaced with more vague age descriptors, such as “foal” and “adolescent”. Second, the end of his backstory leaves me with a couple of questions that should be answered. What is Crescendo doing for work now that he lives in Ponyville, and how does his piano playing fit into his life now? Answer these, and Crescendo should be ready for approval

Hello Blaze

Crescendo is very cute, but he will need some editing before he can be accepted.

• Exact ages are not allowed in this section, and each use of them in your application must be removed. Your character can be referred to as a young stallion in the “age” section.

• The personality section for an EqE character must be at least two paragraphs, meaning that you will need to add a paragraph to Crescendo’s personality.

• Your pony’s name is misspelled several times in the personality section, and is at one point referred to as a “person” instead of a pony.

• No previous cast character connections are allowed in this section, so your pony can’t have known Octavia prior to roleplaying out meeting her in this section. He can have seen her performing and look up to her or have a crush on her based on that, but the two cannot actually have met.

• Now that we’ve cleared things up with your other character, the note about it in the “other” section can be removed.

• Overall, this application should be proofread, as I noticed many errors in grammar and punctuation, to the point where I at times had some trouble understanding what you were trying to say.

Take care of these things, and Crescendo will be much closer to being accepted

@@Eloquence

 

Would it be okay to translate the mph to wing power? That seems to be the thing they use to measure flight velocity in equestria.

After some discussion with the rest of the RP staff, I'm going to have to say no, and that no exact measurements should be used. Talking to them also brought a couple of other points to my attention, things that should be altered a bit in your application. Firstly, the exact terms for ADHD and Discalculia should be kept in the other section, as we do not know what kind of knowledge ponies have of mental health. Second, the personality section seems contradictory at times, most notably in that one paragraph talks about how Brave will always try to make other ponies feel better, while the next says that she will sometimes intentionally try to make them angry.

I also looked over some of your edits, and one of them seems odd to me. I'm glad that you put in the spell that went wrong to give Brave her disability, but the one you chose doesn't make very much sense in context. I can't imagine parents allowing that kind of magic to be tried out on their foal, nor do I know why it would be attempted in the first place. You may want to consider whether Brave's inability to walk on clouds is a trait worth having, as I imagine it will be rather difficult to explain.

Once again, Brave looks much improved. There are still a few things to fix though, including a couple of things I mentioned in my last review of her. Once again, I’ll bullet the things I noticed

• I see that the exact speeds in MPH are still present, and although they may seem right to you, I still must ask that they be removed. I also don’t know where you got an exact average speed for pegasus flight from, if you could source that I would have much better grounds to consider the use of exact speeds.

• The bit about “traditional clocks” is also still present. I do think it’s fine that your pony has trouble telling time, but what we call a “traditional clock” here would just be a clock in Equestria, since they don’t have digital clocks (or if they do they’re very rare).

• Having a suit that reduces G-force (or at least having it worded that way) seems a bit advanced for Equestria, since ponies may very well not even know what G-force is. The suit should be described differently, though I do like that you’ve added a suit for her

• Where you removed the sentence about her being a bit of a redneck, the sentence that follows no longer makes sense, since it talks about her “talking like one” without any indication of what “one” refers to.

• While I can accept this explanation for her inability to walk on clouds, it could still use some polish. The part that says that “she was born with this disability” should be removed, since it later goes on to say that the accident that disabled her happened after she was born, and the explanation should be fleshed out a bit to answer some of the questions it raises, such as what the unicorn was attempting to accomplish in the first place.

We’re definitely getting close with Brave, and I’m happy to see how she’s turning out

Looks good to me! Sending him to second approval

I'm excited to see an older character being submitted, and a griffon no less. We could use more OCs in both categories around here. I really, really like Featherwing, and I'd say he's about ready for approval, there are just a couple of tiny things I noticed. First off, Featherwing's family would be best referred to as nomads or travelers, as the word "gypsy" refers to a specific real-world ethnic group, and the unfortunate stereotyping which you refer to is strictly a product of human society as well. Second, there is an accidental use of the word "people" in the fourth paragraph of your backstory.