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BastementSparkle

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Blog Entries posted by BastementSparkle

  1. BastementSparkle
    Anyone else ever just feel...Out of place? Like you don't belong somewhere? That's how I feel right now.
     
    When I was a kid, after a certain age, I felt a lot more...mature than everyone else around me. Because of my internet access and such I knew a lot of things they didn't, I felt smarter than a lot of them, I got picked on a lot though. I had a hard time connecting with people, they'd bully me for being too smart, they'd bully me for being too stupid. If I talked about a video game like say...Mario. Something bright and happy, I'd get bullied for that. If I talked about Mortal Kombat or some other game I maybe shouldn't have been playing, everyone just thought I was creepy. I just couldn't win. It was like I was too mature, and yet not "Mature" enough at the same time.
     
    Today was my Birthday. I'm now [Classified] years old, and I feel so out of place. I don't have my driver's license, and I don't really want one, cars and vehicles in general make me a bit uncomfortable. I don't currently have a job, I hated my last one. It was only one day a week, but it made me miserable. I know I'll have to get a new one, but I don't look forward to it at all. I don't have any plans for careers, or college, or anything. People tell me to go with what I'm passionate about, but I can't think of anything I'm passionate about enough that I'd be willing to do that, nothing.
     
    I don't like Alcohol, my family is filled with alcoholics, and they make me uncomfortable. I don't like sports, any of them. I don't like adult TV shows, at all, for whatever reason. My favorite shows on TV now are MLP and Doctor Who. I don't even like most M-rated games, though I enjoy some. My favorite game is probably one of the weirdest games ever, and it's definitely M-rated. But it's a weird retro indie game that's done in a cartoonish style that most people have probably never heard of or care about.
     
    I don't have a relationship, don't even want one. Dating seems dull, not interested in marriage, really don't want kids. The only attraction I seem to have is to fictional characters, I like ponies more than humans honestly. I love my friends and think they're amazing, but I often feel like I don't matter that much. Relationship talk, Career talk, real life talk all makes me feel a sinking feeling in my stomach. People have all these important things on their mind and I often feel like everyone will do that, and be busy and eventually have no time for silly people like me, and I'll get left behind...
     
    In some ways I think I'm more mature than a lot of other people, even some older than me. I like to think I'm open-minded, I know it's okay to have fun with more "Childish" things even when you're older, I know friends are important and not just something to be tossed aside when you feel like it, but in a lot of ways...I don't feel like I fit into my age group. But I don't feel like I fit in with younger or older people either really. I feel out of place, even here sometimes...
     
     
     
    ...Oh Celestia, look at all that text. Did I really type all that? Maybe I should put something like this in life advice instead, but honestly life advice makes me kinda uncomfortable, not sure why. But anytime I use it I come out feeling bad, just feel more comfortable making a blog post. Not even sure why I'm ranting like this, just felt it necessary...Blah.
  2. BastementSparkle
    You ever meet someone and they just kinda...make you feel off? Like, uncomfortable, strange, uneasy?
     
    I've met a lot of people like that, and I've been that person. Back in school I liked to stay quiet, only talking when necessary. People didn't like that I suppose, I used to have kids suggest some pretty awful things about me, like I would go crazy and kill someone, and other terrible things. When I tried to open up and be friendly, or nice I'd say or do something wrong, and people would either laugh and mock me, or get even more creeped out.
     
    Even with my "Friends" I never really was truly liked. They seemed to laugh "At" me, more than with me. When I tried to be honest and myself, people got uncomfortable. They didn't like it, but they didn't like me being quiet either. I had to be so careful with everything I said or did, and it never truly felt like it was working though. I couldn't really be myself, because nobody liked that, but everyone seemed to know I was being fake otherwise...
     
    So, I always get a bit uncomfortable to this day, when people say they find someone "Creepy" or "Weird". Unless they have a very good reason for it. I understand why they say these things, but I always wonder...What if that "Creepy" person is like me? What if they're trying, but don't know what they're doing wrong? What if people taunt them and mock them for not understanding their mistakes? What if nobody ever sat down and tried to lend a helping hand?
     
    What if they're just really shy, or socially awkward, or have a disorder, or maybe they just haven't figured that social aspect out yet? Why does it always have to mean they're bad, or sick, or creepy? What if they're trying their best and they just keep failing, but nobody cares?
     
    I never really got better at real-life social interaction. I was at my best at it during Elementary/early middle school, but I only got worse from there. Nowadays I can't hold a real conversation with anyone without feeling nervous. I can come off as insensitive, or rude, or creepy, even when I don't mean to. Nobody seems to care whether I meant to or not, just the fact I did is enough to judge me, or anyone with the same problem, it seems.
     
    I'm just lucky I'm not half-bad at interacting online. I can feel comfortable posting everything I said above, and if someone says something mean that isn't helpful in any manner I can just laugh at it, and maybe print it out and hang it on my wall or something. Because I can kinda pretend it's just like a joke, which isn't as easy to do in reality. I can actually be honest and truthful here, and not feel like I have to hide everything. I can actually say what I mean, correct myself if needed, and leave if it does get too hard. I can even have friends!
     
    Basically, thank Celestia for the internet. Without it my social skills might just die off completely, and I probably wouldn't be able to convince anyone to care...
     
    ...Or maybe that last sentence is just a little too cynical, I hope so.
  3. BastementSparkle
    I really have wanted to do a new blog entry for a while. I've actually tried to do one every single day, but it always comes out wrong. I was supposed to talk about video games, but here is just another entry of me being moody.
     
    I just feel really tired and annoyed a lot of the time. Things might bring my mood up for a little bit. Talking to a friend, playing a game I enjoy, watching ponies, buying something I've really wanted, or just relaxing for a little while. They all cheer me up for only a short time before I just feel agitated by something again.
     
    Right now it's really, really hot. The air conditioning is on and my fan is up but I'm still barely cool, and it's giving me a really bad headache. My computer is being really noisy and it's making me super paranoid about viruses and other problems, even though I'm not having any other issues with it and any scans are coming up empty. Right now I should be sweeping the stairs up, but it just sounds so dull and boring and I already feel hot and tired enough as it is.
     
    I'm constantly on edge and uncomfortable. Doing anything that isn't what I want to do just makes me feel really angry and annoyed really easily. I just want to browse the internet, play some games, talk to the friends I have, and enjoy myself. But I just feel really tired and upset all the time for the silliest reasons...
     
    Not too sure what to do about it anymore. All of my solutions are short-lived, and then it just comes back again.
  4. BastementSparkle
    I had a lot of ideas for what I'd post as my first "Real" blog entry. I wanted to do a spotlight on a really fun game I've been playing lately, share some of my thoughts on censorship, or post an entry talking about some of my experiences with family.
     
    Instead I'm going to talk about life advice. I just decided to post something there, but once I got about 7-8 paragraphs into my stupidly long essay describing all of my various problems with myself, I realized something. I was pretty much listing almost everything about me as a problem. Almost everything.
     
    I have a pretty tough time functioning outside of my computer room. I'm usually very uncomfortable around others, have a nigh impossible time building up motivation to do things I don't like to do, can be very pessimistic and cynical, and am really just generally unpleasant when put under stress. A lot of that vanishes when I'm alone and on the internet. It still shows up in some situations, but not all the time like offline.
     
    I'm really not comfortable posting the stuff I wrote down. And I'm really uncomfortable with having wrote most of it. I tend to think that most of my actual personality is pretty alright. I'm a bit odd and quirky and I have my fair share of problems and things that might need some work. But...I don't want to think of my personality itself as a problem...
     
    So, yeah. I'm blogging this because I don't want to post anything in life advice ever again for reasons. But I still felt the need to share my feelings, so I figured my blog would be the next best place.
     
    Next time expect something a bit more cheerful. I'm going to talk about video games! That's always fun.
  5. BastementSparkle
    You know I've kinda thought about making one of these for some time. But I could never think of a good way to introduce one. What am I supposed to say? The title says it all. This blog doesn't serve a specific purpose other than giving me a good way to get my thoughts and feelings out into the open. Maybe get some new perspectives or useful advice along the way.
     
    Expect a very "Stream of consciousness" style. I'll likely just pick a topic and rant about it here for a while. I'll give it some editing to make sure it's at least coherent and then push it out the door. I'm not too professional about that.
     
    I'll talk about whatever I feel the need to. Whether it be an episode of a TV show, a video game, a personal issue, or just anything I feel the need to share.
     
    So...Yeah. That's about it for this entry...Hopefully I get a bit better at this with some time and practice. I'm not sure exactly how common these entries will be, but you can probably expect at least one or two of them a week. Maybe more if I feel the need to talk about something.
     
    I hope you guys get some enjoyment out of this. It's sort of new to me, so don't be afraid to criticize me if you feel the need. Any comments are welcome.
  6. BastementSparkle
    Well, I've been wanting to talk about a game on this blog for a while. But I was having some problems motivating myself, and feeling really down. Also, I couldn't decide exactly what game I wanted to talk about, but I've decided now. I want to talk about Nuclear Throne. This isn't exactly a review, and I'm biased as all heck because this game is amazing to me, so I'll just talk about it.
     
    Nuclear Throne is a randomly generated, Twin-stick shooter set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, where you play as one of many mutants (Minus the one human) who's goal is to reach "The Nuclear Throne". The game was developed by Vlambeer, a independent Dutch studio who are known for their work on a few other games like "Super Crate Box" and "Ridiculous Fishing", as well as some others, none of which I've played.
     
    The game is currently available on Steam Early access and it's pretty cheap. It's highly addictive and challenging, and I've only beaten the game once in about 30 hours of playing it. The game is a "Roguelite" which means if you die you're sent back to the very start, though the game is actually pretty short. You can beat a whole run in about 15 minutes from what I've seen. But the high difficulty, large amount of weapons and "Mutations" (Imagine them like perks from Fallout if you've ever played that.), random levels, and multiple playable characters with unique abilities make it extremely replayable.
     
    The game also features local Co-op. Though I haven't tried it, since I don't really have anyone to play it with. It's updated almost every week with new content and bugfixes. The game has some really nice pixel art, a wonderful soundtrack, and a pretty large amount of content. If you've been looking for something fast-paced, extremely challenging and high action to play, this game will probably do it for you.
     
    Also, dual-wielding a Double-Flame Shotgun with a Lightning Shotgun is awesome. Very few games have ever made me feel that cool.
     


     
    I really can't recommend this game enough. It's a lot of fun, and one of the best games I've played in a long time. If anything I've said above sounds interesting to you, I'd say to give the game a look. If even one person does so I'll consider this blog post a success.
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