retrosteamknight

Changed name to "Garnet Desires."

Removed third personality paragraph.

Added a sentence to dislikes and two more words to likes.

Added a sentence to More.

Improved description of the house and changed layout.

I doubt I have anything against it anymore. I'll send it to second approval so that someone else proofreads it once more and if it's fine with them as well, it'll get moved into approved section.

Thank you! Words cannot express how happy I am right now...

I've revised what you wanted me to revise.

-Added more detail to the Backstory 3rd Paragraph to further describe how Garnet got his cutie mark.

-Added more detail to the Cutie Mark section to describe the meaning behind the different parts.

-Switched Garnet's artistic talent from all-around to 2d Imagery(Painting, Drawing/Sketching).

-Refurbished Garnet's 2nd Floor Workplace to reflect the change.

-Removed instances of Musical, Poetic talent to reflect the change.

Thank you for the complements on the other parts of the character.

What else do you want me to revise?

I'm usually against teleportation, because it's considered a higher level magic, but since he has a basis to be proficient in magic, I'm okay with this.

Especially because he doesn't have a thousand different magnificent traits to him, but actually is a regular pony who just happens to be a bit better in magic and has a normal hobby/work

 

Also, although the death of a parent is the most cliche thing ever, you actually managed to give it a meaning and interlace it into the story in a way that it creates an opportunity for character development, rather than implementing it just "for the sake of it".

 

Good job there.

 

 

HOWEVER.

 

The Cutie Mark story.

 

I absolutely don't understand the circumstances under which it was earned and, what follows, the meaning behind it.

Obviously, the garnet on CM is a reference to his name, but what does it mean and how exactly is it connected to his talent? What exactly happened that caused the parchment AND the garnet to appear at once?

You say that he's an artist. Perhaps you should specify what kind of artist he is? It rarely happens that a single artist is a musician, poet, painter, singer etc etc all-in-one

 

Cutie mark stories might be tricky to nail down, but that's one of the major things which define any character, be it cast or OC.

 

Apart from the story, I believe everything else is fine and/or acceptable.

If you could work on the story for a bit, I believe it wouldn't be long before the OC lands in "approved" section.

Alright... Looks like I have some thinking to do, because you just blew a large hole in most of his character...

I'll refine it, but don't expect a mareacle...

These edits are finished... Is there anything else that needs to be edited or introduced in his profile?

Your patience is very much appreciated. Troblems is unfortunately busy, being the head of the RP staff, so I will attempt to take over for her temporarily, if you won't mind.

 

I think the 'likes' section needs to have a bit of an expansion, personally. What it has right now is just 'he likes gems and peace'. I'm sure Garnet has more likes than that!

 

The second paragraph of your personality only seems to have half personality. If it would make it easier on you, I would suggest attempting a third one so that you'll meet the personality minimum.

 

Other than that, it's turning out marvelously and I would be happy to give it an initial approval once these changes have been implemented!

Alright. Thank you for your response. I shall perform my edits as you see fit.

I don't know if you can tell when I edit the page... maybe you're just busy and will get to evaluation in due time.

Whatever the case, I'm patient, but I'm not that patient. Please let me know what's going on so I can feel a tad less stressed out about Garnet's chances of getting approved...

Thank you.

There are still two references to his age in his backstory. Also, you removed the spells bit. Unicorns are required to have at least one spell, upwards of three. I actually rather liked the stun one that you removed.

 

Looking much better, you're quite close to approval.

Ach! Sorry! I'm surprised that I didn't see that...   I'll remove the age numbers. Thank you for your opinion of the Stun spell, by the way. I was quite skeptical that it would ever make it in...

Hi there,

 

You've got a solid character, but there are some kinks that need to be worked out.

 

We don't know how long ponies live, so exact ages aren't allowed.

The second paragraph in his personality section isn't about his personality, but what he's good at. Each character needs at least 2 paragraphs about their personality.

We don't know the size of any cities, but if they are anything like their real world counterparts, you've made Phillydelphia seem extremely small. You should consider either change the location of his backstory, or make it seem less like the entire city is involved in his decision to leave.

You detail his house, but where is it? Ponyville or Canterlot? This is never made clear.

Finally, quoting directly from the rules for the section:

Things which have only been seen once or twice in the show are considered rare, and thus should not be included in an application or a character’s backstory. These include, but are not limited to: Spells such as the ‘Wing Spell’, which we have only seen once and which appeared difficult for a Unicorn as skilled as Twilight Sparkle to cast.

 

As of now, only characters with the ability to fly are able to do RP's in Cloudsdale.

Alright. I'll fix it up. Thank you for pointing it out.

Backstory is currently being proofread for grammatical errors. Otherwise, character is finished.

Grammar Check Completed. Thank you, Mrs Butler, my 9th Grade English Teacher!

Backstory is currently being proofread for grammatical errors. Otherwise, character is finished.