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Varrack

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  1. Varrack
    Many people these days choose to label themselves as "anti-war", as seems to be the isolationist trend of the 21st century. They point out that war takes lives, is expensive, and is all around undesirable.
     
    The thing is...everyone knows this. Pointing out the obvious about war doesn't add legitimacy to one's cause. No one denies that a peaceful world would be a preferable one. This is a very simple-minded approach that doesn't take into consideration the delicate complexity of foreign relations and conflicts. Declaring oneself as "anti-war" in response to intellectual debate on foreign policy like one has some sort of higher moral ground is incredibly asinine.
     
    The question at hand should be about whether getting involved in a foreign conflict or invading another country is justifiable, whether embargoes should be places on trade with hostile countries, etc. But some like to oversimplify the discussion on foreign policy by sorting people into the "pro-war" and "anti-war". This kind of assertion is something I've seen a lot on the Internet, and is something I'd consider a form of anti-intellectualism.
     
    Further, using buzzwords such as "anti-war" doesn't accurately describe one's stance on wars when one takes all of history into context. Are you supportive of the military invasion that overwhelmed Nazi Germany and halted the Holocaust? If so, then you're not anti-war...you recognize that standing by while genocide commences isn't preferable to going to war to stop it.
     
    To add, there are other reasons why an interventionist foreign policy isn't quite as irrational as it may seem. Ending conflict, securing human rights, and destabilizing regions of interest are arguably good rationale for getting involved abroad. I go into further detail in a formal debate I had about the topic.
  2. Varrack
    Ok, so I'm not the most confident guy ever. In fact, I'm about as closeted as a brony as you can get. Well, okay, I did go to the movie with a few other people, so I'm probably not that bad. But still I have a lot more nerves than I probably should have. You could say I had trouble getting myself to even consciously admit that my pony obsession means my dignity will be at stake if I don't go! Thankfully a gave in to these urges and got myself in the car and my butt over to that theater so I wouldn't put dishonor on my family...although my family isn't that supportive so that's probably a terrible expression to use XD

    So I get to the theater mall, right. It's 45 minutes till the showing and I'm just standing near the venue as awkward as I can be. I know everyone's probably staring at me even though I have no pony merch or anything so there's really no reason for them to be. But in my head they totally are. Well, I kind of do this weird walking around thing where I'm looking at the showing times on the screen above the ticket counter while also pretending to be interested in the stores nearby. I do this for about 20 minutes until I realize the other people who were supposed to come are probably late. So I have to go up to the ticket guy by myself. Well great.

    I'm walking into the theater when suddenly I hear the ticket guy call my name. No way, I'm thinking. He can't possibly know me. I walk up to him, and sure enough...it's a guy I know from high school. At this point I know I'm a dead man. There is no way this could have gone worse...time to pray and hope God makes my last moments quick so I don't have to remember them when I'm in the afterlife. No lie, I've done bad things in life, but this a whole new level of torture that I thought should be reserved for the worst of the worst...not me. 

    Somehow I managed to tell him, Vlad, this guy I know from freaking high school...that I want to see the MLP Movie. I think I was on autopilot at this point, because I don't remember having to tell myself to tell him what I wanted to see, it just kind of came out. To my surprise, he didn't even blink. Just handed me my change and total my to go to the auditorium on my right. I'm kind of in shock for the next 5 minutes...did that seriously just happen. I guess...I can live to see another day. Now I've just got to make it into the auditorium.

    Well, I walk into the auditorium and there's one adult lady there. She looks up and I'm like oh shit and run back out. I gotta get myself composed first! Can't just walk into the room like some ghetto clown...or at least that's what I thought myself as. Just breathe deep, I'm thinking outside, when I notice that the rest of my group has shown up. YES! Finally I can be awkward with some other people. 

    Inside the room we sit down and one of the guys has got like five plushes with him, a pony shirt, and an mlp-themed handbag. And here I am with nothing. You can imagine how I'm trying to mentally transition from being self-conscious about going to the movie as a male fan to being totally outdone by the hardcore fans around me in terms of merch count. Like, can I possibly feel normal in this setting in any way? XD

    Yeah, so the movie was incredible obviously. At least, I thought they did a pretty good job. After we leave the auditorium and are standing at the front of the theater, the guy who was sitting next to me goes up to the lady at the counter and asks about what they do with the movie posters after the films are done showing in theaters. He's wanting to know how he can get the poster for himself. Eventually he's discussing the fandom and what they do at pony conventions and all these things and the lady at the counter is just nodding "uh huh" to everything he says, and she probably has no idea what any of this is about. Yeah, it was pretty awkward...but I lived and made it out of that alive too.

    You think that was all I went through - Nope! I run into another person I know from high school further in the mall. She asks why I'm there and my friend replies we just saw the MLP movie. She goes "ohhhhhh" and then changes the topic. Yup, I don't even know what's happening at this point. It's all been too surreal for me and nothing can scar me anymore. Nevermind that we walked around the mall for a half hour getting TONS of stares from everybody and pretending like we're not. Afterwards we peeked into Toys R Us to look for pony stuff...and then I drove them home and hung out at their apartment for a bit. But ultimately, it was pretty exhausting to go through all that as an anxious guy...and I didn't die. That's the good part at least. It's safe to say mission accomplished, although my nerves made want to explode at times. I hope I wasn't the only one like this, haha.
  3. Varrack
    I believe there are certain levels as to how we are capable of carrying ourselves through life. Some of us are more hesitant, shy, and reserved, while others are open, outgoing, energetic, and zestful. I think that as we go through life, we become really accustomed to never analyzing ourselves and how we feel day-to-day. If you feel down every day, then it's important to take a step back and look at what you're feeling exactly, and how it compares to everyone else. It is not normal to feel down and depressed every day, and if you do, then you should do assess yourself and look at the options available to you. 

    I think that depression can be judged on a spectrum. Some of us are happy, some are doing sup-bar, and others struggle through every day. Here are the levels of deep-held disapproval or contentment with one's self that I think everyone can be judged to lie on, with 10 being the happiest and 0 being literally crippled because you're so emotionally empty.

    Level 0 - Hospitalized, unable to move/think
    Level 1- Hardly conscious, always laying down
    Level 2- Sad, low energy, crouched down
    Level 3- Down, unambitious, unexcited
    Level 4- Apathetic but capable of moving with ease
    Level 5- Able and open, but do so with reservations 
    Level 6- Some zest for life, but not overly zestful
    Level 7- Ambitious, but not overly enthusiastic
    Level 8- Excited, looking forward to the future
    Level 9- Thrilled to move forward, looking to the sky
    Level 10- Overjoyed and absolutely in love with living

    Most people, I would wager, are at about a 6. They're ok with life and have room to pursue their goals, but aren't overly energetic or excited by simply living. They would usually answer "pretty good" if you asked them how they are doing, and don't generally have a lot of problems with themselves.

    Those who lie at level 5 and below are susceptible to daily depressive thoughts. They're a bit vulnerable and sensitive when it comes to their weaknesses being revealed, and try to live each day hiding their insecurities.

    If you are at a 3 or below...you are probably majorly depressed. I would highly recommend getting some help. If merely your negative thoughts/emotions are seriously impacting your day, then it should be obvious that it's worth the effort to feel better day-by-day.

    For those of you hovering at an 8 or above...I applaud you. I would gladly switch lives with you lol. Just know how many people would do anything to feel the way you do. Don't take it for granted...please.

    I know I didn't go into much detail with any of the levels but if you want me to expand on them I'll do that. But it's a simple, understandable way of viewing how you are and where you could be.

     
  4. Varrack
    I had a dream last night that's been on my mind a lot. It didn't make any sense at first but now that I've thought about it a bit, I understand the real meaning behind it.

    I was standing near a river, and for whatever reason, all the water turned to...cash. Yes, coins...lots of lots of them. As many as you could imagine. The river went from plain H2O to money. 
    I remember looking at all this money that had replaced what once was the river and feeling really overwhelmed. Like...everything I could possibly want, I could just buy with all that cash just sitting there. It was for me to grab, and I was completely free to do so.

    Witnessing this just confused me. Life is supposed to be about striving to be your best and getting as far up the ladder as possible, right? If so, why was all this money just sitting here for me to take?

    I remember going around to other people and asking them what they thought of the river-turned-cash. "Just think of what you could do with it all" I asked them. "What are your plans now?".
    The reply I got from them was a little...surprising. They seemed completely unfazed by all the money just sitting there. They seemed oblivious to it, and would shrug it off when I asked them about it. It's as if I was the only one who cared, the only one who noticed that an enormous fortune was just sitting there for anyone to take. 

    I kept puzzling over this, until I realized what it all meant. The seemingly infinite amount of cash that had appeared out of nowhere symbolizes potential. It represents the infinite space that exists in our reality, all that can be filled. This infinite space is where creativity, ambition, and euphoria come from. The abyss of all that is, all that we could be...that's what I was seeing. We often complain about being bored or unsure of what to do with our lives, but there actually is something that we all want. The reason so many don't seem to get it is because they can't see what they truly desire...they just have no idea what they want. And as such, they are lost, forever wandering, trying to find themselves.

    That image of the infinite flow of cash points to how obsolete money really is. Money does not buy you happiness, it just makes things a bit more bearable and can offer you short-term gratification. We search to be more wealthy because we think wealth is what can get us closest to who we want to be. We search for happiness through it, not realizing that happiness itself is, and always was completely available to anyone who wants it. It's free, and it exists. To live each day as if you're trying to meet some standard is a way of lying to yourself about your real inner potential. Ability comes from the heart, it's not something you have to continually work towards. Just accept you as you are and those weaknesses will reveal themselves to you and you can properly assess them, treat them, and bring your strengths out into full view. Stop trying to be like someone else, just accept yourself as you are, and your real self will come forth, forgiven and everything. No fees included.
  5. Varrack

    How to make friends

    By Varrack,

    You know...no one ever told me how to make friends. I just kind of figured it out my way through trial-and-error. I was given some tips, but none of them seemed to be that helpful. So I thought today I'd make a simple guide, from what I've learned, on how to do it.

    I know this blog is probably going to get sandwiched between some game review and mlp episode analysis, so this is kind of weird to write. But I do think some people on here care enough to read this so...heck, why not. It may be personal but it's worth showing others, right?

    Alright, so here's the bottom line with friendship. It has to be genuine, and you have to want it for the right reasons. You should NOT want to be friends because you're lonely - otherwise, it becomes all about you. If you are a guy with a fishing rod, trying to catch a fish in the pond so you can be friends with it...then you're doing it wrong! Friendship is NOT about your needs, it's about what you can give! And what you can give will absolutely be offered right back to you if you do it right. It becomes a give-and-receive kind of thing, and that's what fosters a healthy relationship...one of mutually shared interest, one where no one is leaning on the other, but rather, are holding each other up.

    Being authentic is absolutely essential to fostering a friendship. Some people have told me that to get people to like me I should think of something to compliment them on. No! Don't do this. This is bad step to make in trying to make a bond with someone because it is indubitably insincere. You should not have to think of something to compliment them on. You are not an actor. You should not memorize any kind of script to get the other person to like you, because if you are, it's not coming from the heart. First and foremost, if you want to be friends with this person in the first place...you should want it to because something about them genuinely is desirable to you. They have a quality or talent that you sincerely admire, and you should be free in your mind to compliment them on that. After all, that quality or talent they have is something you desire for yourself, so why should that praise come from anywhere but your actual thoughts?

    It essential that this attribute that this person has should also be held by themselves in good esteem. If you think someone is beautiful but that person themself doesn't regard themself as such, telling them they are beautiful isn't going to elicit any positive reaction from them. They're going to see it as you trying to put on some kind of play...thinking about how you feel about them and not listening to their own feelings. If there is a positive trait about them you really like, be sure they take pride in it too! If they get embarrassed or bashful when you bring it up, then that means they don't hold that quality in the same regard that you do. They have to love themselves through that quality they have...and have you notice it too, in order for a healthy friendship to form between the two of you.

    Now, this doesn't have to be big things. Let's say you know someone who loves to be crazy and spontaneous. If you really like how they are, let them know. They will greatly appreciate your honesty and interest in them. They will likely pick out things about you that they like too. 

    If, for example, Joe takes great pride in his writing abilities, and you notice what he's written and actually, genuinely like it...go tell him why you liked it and how terrific you think it is. He's going to be all over you for that. The more you appreciate his work, the more fun it will be for you and him to talk about it. He'll probably discuss his writing with you and, if you're sincere, you won't get bored with him going on about it. It's likely a quality you desire too, right?

    The key point here is that appreciating people for who they are already is what makes them feel loved and in return, appreciative toward you. You don't have to put on a show! You don't have to act and throw out compliments because you feel complied to. Neither do you have to fish for validation, because your friend will surely appreciate you too the way you are and the way you've treated them.

    I want to stress a couple things to make sure this is nailed to the wall. A friendship should not be a commitment where you and the other person lose some so that you can win some. It should be 100% natural. Friendship is the phenomenon that happens when you see someone else as yourself. Not as someone else with different motives and interests, but as someone who is mentally on your level. If you see their good side and they see yours, how can they see you in any way besides your genuine self? They will see you the way you want to see yourself, and that will allow you to give your appreciation and gratitude toward them, fostering a healthy bond.

    This can work with other relationships too. With your romantic partner, it certainly is essential to see them the way they want to see themselves. They will gladly return that respect and acknowledgement for them. If you have siblings or parents that you know you could have a better relationship with, see their good traits - the ones that make you miss them when they're not around. Acknowledge those qualities, and make them known to them, and they will greatly appreciate you.

    So, how do you make friends? The answer to that is really simple...see their good. DON'T put on an act, and don't behave like someone else! See them as they'd like to be, acknowledge and point out the great things about them, and they will find interest in you, I assure you. 
  6. Varrack
    Have you ever thought about why you like a certain pony so much? What about them makes you want to buy plushies of them, stare at pictures of them, and write fanfics about them? What connects us to particular characters? I've thought about this for a while, and I think I know why this is. I'm only going to focus on the Mane Six in this post, but I think this is applicable to any other ponies...and heck, other interests. But for today, I'm going to concentrate on the Mane 6 alone.

    My theory about this is thus: That which you love and really enjoy is what you really desire. That which you desire is what you are deficient in. Take water for example - when we're thirsty, we really crave water. We desire it. Why? Because with it, you become more of yourself...more healthy and satisfied. Or take blood sugar levels....when it drops really low...we really crave food. Because we desperately need it. The only reason why we want it so bad is because it's a missing piece to our health, and in turn, our happiness. When you need Vitamin C from the Sun, you start wishing you could have some sunlight. When you're cold, you desire more warmth. The examples go on and on.

    My argument is that interests, or that which we desire to do and be a part of...are no different! We like certain ponies or characters because we actually need them!

    Now at this point, you probably think I'm crazy. You're probably thinking "but Varrack, those aren't physical needs. They aren't essential to survive. You can live perfectly fine without those interests." My answer to you is that not all needs are physical. Everyone has emotional needs as well. And interests are indicative of the deep, not-very-obvious, burning emotional desires that we have. When we really like a certain point and feel great just looking at a picture of them...that means there is something you want that you are unaware of. Your interests, I allege, are indicative of symptoms of what you want the very most. How the ideal you should be, and where you're falling short. It is reflective of your deepest desires, simply put. And you may not be aware of them.

    So what I'm going to do now is list each of the Mane 6 and their qualities, and explain why I believe one would find them to be their favorite. Why someone would look up to them so much and see themselves in them the most. I'm not saying this to tell you you're wrong for your own possible theories you may have about why you like them, but to offer my own.

    Twilight Sparkle - Logical, Level-headed

    Twilight is known for being the pony on her quest for friendship. She's trying to figure out what she wants, and some of the episodes focus on her perspective and try to highlight what's going through her mind and the decisions she has to make. She is, I believe, the symbol of sanity. Of clear-cut thinking. She was always well-read and book smart. There was no shame in her about being a bit more nerdier than the rest of the gang, because she values her knowledge, and rarely goes off the rails (Lesson Zero being an obvious exception). The other five ponies see her as a leader, as somepony who knows what she is doing and can being counted on for wisdom. She has few trust issues with anyone because she makes sure never to come off as irrational, snobby, or offensive. She knows better than that. Why I think someone would be the most appreciative of her over the other ponies is because she puts her rationality and in-depth thinking at the forefront of her being. Why someone would like her is because they really desire to be the same, to be so level-headed and thoughtful. The likely reason they feel this desire is because they don't feel that they themselves are as rational and understanding as they could be, and really look up to those who have the quality that they don't have: a sense of being through a more improved rationale. People who admire Twilight wish to be like her in this way.

    Pinkie Pie - Animated, Lively

    Anyone who likes Pinkie must because they admire her sense of liveliness. She's energetic, off the walls, and most importantly, completely unashamed of being such. Someone who prefers her to the other ponies very likely values her lack of shame of being so bouncy and animated. I can see how someone who is lethargic and afraid to be the life of the party could totally look up to someone like Pinkie. In her own way, she manages to cheer up anypony who is feeling down, remain enthusiastic regardless of whether current circumstances are sour or not, and throw parties at a moment's notice. Basically...she wants to be alive. She has a zest for living and a deep-rooted respect for that quality of hers, which is what continually feeds her to be that way. For someone who wants to be the life of the party, who wants to be unashamed of being themselves (being more like Pinkie, as they feel they are inside), it makes perfect sense to me that she would be their favorite pony.

    Rainbow Dash - Self-Love

    RD is, as well all know, the show-off. She loves to talk about herself, to present herself in her glory moments to others, and to show others that she's worth attention. Her self-confidence is very healthy, and it certainly shows. She has a strong desire to be a part of the Wonderbolts, so that she can further know herself as who she believes she is. A star, a heroine, a pony certainly worth looking up to. She wants to be present in an arena, showing off to thousands of other ponies, doing what she loves. And for the many of us who regard her as the best...we want the same for ourselves too. Not to be noticed in an arena, but to be loved...by yourself. That's what Dash is really after. To have your confidence there and as strong as it can be. To see yourself in a mirror and break out in a grin and what you see back...someone you truly respect. People who are fond of RD want to know for themselves they aren't invisible, that they exist. They secretly believe they are inferior to everyone they meet and they hate it, knowing that's not who they are. Thus, when they see Dash on screen, they think "that's me. That's the confident self I know I really am in inside." If they are anxious, shy, or self-conscious, they immediately recognize that they desire to be something else when they see her having confidence.

    Fluttershy - Caring

    If you find yourself wishing you were a more compassionate person, that you genuinely held others in a higher regard than you currently do...chances are, you may be fond of Fluttershy. She is, without I doubt, the epitome of kindness. She never says anything bad about any other pony. She spends a lot of her life watching over vulnerable critters and those with trouble taking care of themselves. Her gift is something I think a lot of people would crave, as there are a lot of people out there who could be more compassionate (this is not to criticize anyone who may be lacking in that area. I know many good people who struggle with this, more or less. That is not a bad thing). Sure, some people aren't as fond of her because she is shy and sensitive, but no one admires her because of that. It's all about her big strength - the ability to show kindness to others regardless of how they may have behaved in the past. It is very understandable to me that anyone would crave this quality, as it is something I think is widely coveted. Being her natural self is what some really admire, and thus, may happen to prefer her over the rest.

    Applejack - Respected

    AJ is, as we all know, a hard-worker. She has a secure and well-established existence in Sweet Apple Acres, laboring on her farm with her family. And she takes quite a bit pride in it. It's what makes her...her. Different from the rest. AJ stands out because her existence in Equestria is well-known and she likes it to be that way. She isn't floating around trying to find her purpose and herself in life. No, she's got it down. She knows what to do, who she is, and what her purpose is. There's no question about it. End of story. In this way, she may also be stubborn at times...because she's so set in her ways that flexibility can be difficult hard for her. When you're used to routine and like it, where's room for change? Where's any need of it, if you're happy where you are? Her nature comes from one thing - the desire of respect. You want others to notice you, to know very well who you are, to know that you're doing something with your life, and you have a place in this world. You want respect from others...or put even more simply, respect for yourself, so that you can be content. You want people to see you and 
    say "hey...that person's doing something respectable with their life. They're organized and are on exactly the path they want to be. Well done for them." So, If that's what you crave the most...it's likely that AJ is a favorite of yours.

    Rarity - Distinctive, Unique

    Ever wished you could be someone...easily identified? Where people could instantly attach your name to something you love, and define you with that interest? Well, I bet you like Rarity. She has a passion for being a fashion designer. She's huge into her career, and really wants to be known for her passion. If you met her, she'd want to make absolute certain that you know what she puts her life's work into. Anything else is unimportant. If you met her and walked away remembering nothing about her but her name, then she failed terribly. She sells herself as her sales pitch, hoping that you remember her along with what she's into. That's where she gets her sense of self. Some may think "well...she's more than just a fashion designer, right?" No, not to her. It's what she bases her self-worth off of, and she loves it that way. To be well-known and recognized as a prominent pony in that career field is how she achieves her happiness. And if you are similar in such a regard, you want to be known for something, so that you can be at peace with yourself, then I'm sure Rarity is your favorite. Or at least, she's way up there.

    Our interests are inherent to who we are, because they show us what we really want inside. If you want to know why you like a certain character so much, ask yourself this..."what about their character are they not ashamed of? What do they full-heartedly accept about themselves? What about themselves are they proud of?" And then you will see what happens when shame is put away to the side and true knowledge of the self comes about.

    I hope this helps someone find out where their faults lie and what desires say about you. For now, peace out.


  7. Varrack

    The Lonely Road

    By Varrack,

    The last several months of my life have been absolutely surreal and life-changing. I will never, ever be the same, nor do I wish to be how I once was.

    When God himself visits you in the dark of night, and shows you how long wandered from him, you can never be the same.

    When your social circle collapses, your grades plummet through the floor, your family splinters into pieces, your belief system shatters, and your self-esteem drops like a rock, you can never, EVER, be the same.

    Mankind, you see, is stuck in this loop. This loop of constant self-gratification, distraction, and ignorance of the upper nature of the universe. We live to die, trying to enjoy the most of the life we get here.

    That's how I was. Until I saw that my life was a bunch of smoke and mirrors...and realized that the things I thought I cared about didn't actually matter.

    When you see the devil face-to-face, it snaps you out of that cycle. It gives you meaningful perspective, and shows you the very root of your pain.

    Everyone suffers in silence...let's not deny it. We all have issues, we all have faults. But if you're lucky enough to be so succumbed by your faults that you realize they aren't really you...it is probably the best thing that could ever happen to you.

    If you suffer, it is no one else's fault. No one put you in your unfortunate circumstances. They just happened. If you can accept the fact that you were put in these circumstances by nature and it happened for your very growth...then it is very easy to forgive yourself.

    I have long held anger and resentment in my heart. I have long felt hurt and suppressed. I have long been backed up against a corner, hating myself for being there.

    But it is not YOUR fault, the reader, that I am here. And I am NOT a victim...so much as my mind says I'm not. I absolutely CAN change my attitude toward life and not hold anger toward another human being...because I was always worthy of being forgiven, and was never actually hurt in the first place.

    The hurt just existed in my head. Remove those toxic emotions from myself, and I become new. My reality completely changes, and my real self emerges. It was as if I was never angry in the first place...as if I was always light on my feet with nothing I could possibly be bothered by.

    I don't have to be an antisocial loser, because I never was one outside of my own delusion. The delusions that plague so many people cause them to hesitate and be miserable in their lives. If I have any room for self-forgiveness (and I do), then there is no reason to be unhappy and bitter.

    I have been depressed and anxious for the last several months and refused to move at all, fearful of myself and what was to become of me. But now I know that the root cause of my depression was my own self-doubt and deep hole of shame that chained me down for so long and held me prisoner in my own body.

    Thank you, Lord, for showing me the light. Allow me to find myself again.
  8. Varrack
    Imagine that you are sitting down in a public space. People are coming and going, minding their own business. They're paying little attention to you, kept up in their own thoughts.

    Then, as if on cue, they begin moving faster, as if it's a movie and the fast-forward button was just pushed. Pretty soon they're zipping around you, moving in every which way. They're so caught up in their lives that they don't hesitate to move exactly where they're heading. The only person who isn't moving as fast as they are is...you. You just sit there, in that seat, watching everyone move around you in a flurry of motion. They can't see or hear you...you're just stuck there, watching everyone move about in their own lives.

    You keep watching them until you realize...you've seen this all before. This is a video that has been replaying in your mind every single day. You can't escape it; it is the reality that you have lived in for the past several months. The people you see in this video - they are your friends, your family, your co-workers, your peers, your associates. They are brushing by you all the time, yet they are completely oblivious to your own mental chatter, your own thoughts and emotions that constantly prod your conscience.

    You want to reach out to one of them, ask them how their day is going and what they've been up to lately. But as you try to, something else draws you away. You slowly realize that the reality you live in and the reality they live in are not the same. They are going about their own casual life, sprinkled with pleasures and day-to-day duties, while you are being mugged by feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, and despondency. It is as if some creature has come up from the ground, has snatched you, and is dragging you back down into the earth with it while no one bats an eye. You're sinking low into the earth, but you might as well not be to everyone else.

    "But wait a second," you say to yourself. "Maybe people do care. What if they're willing to help but just aren't aware of my problem?"

    Don't even bother them, says another voice. They don't want to help. No one cares about your stupid problems.

    And so you go on, living the nightmare. You convince yourself you're worth no one's time, and slowly find yourself isolated from everyone you once conversed with. Withdrawn into the world of your own, the only reality that really seems to exist. Eye contact becomes too much of a bother. Small talk is too infuriating for you to carry on for long, so you try to avoid it the best you can.

    All the while, your thoughts keep returning to your current state of misery. Out of the 50,000 thoughts you have every day, 50% are about how different your reality is from everyone's else's...how isolated and alone you've become. Your mind is filled with white noise day in and day out. You zone out all the time, constantly snapping back to "reality" everyone else seems to be living in...and then retreat back your own, the one that has its firm grip around you.

    It's like there's a party happening, but instead of being in the room everyone else is in, you're trapped underneath the glass floor, looking up at everyone else above. Or you're a fish in a river that finds that he can't move anymore, and can do nothing except watch the fish around him swim by effortlessly. It's a deep, dark hole of despair that leaves you stranded from anything you once found comfort in. A void of emptiness, with plenty of room for negative emotions to thrive in.

    Maybe one of these days when you're sitting there gloomily watching this video of people whizzing by...one of the people actually notice you and come sit next to you. You're skeptical of them at first, but as they talk with you, you find yourself beginning to trust them. After a few weeks, when you finally think you've found someone you can actually share your thoughts and trust with, they get up and just leave. Nothing more - they just abandon you. You feel as if a dagger has just been thrust into your heart...and vow never to trust anyone ever again. Resentment has come along and made you its own, and you find yourself welcoming anger and bitterness into your daily life, resenting every speeding passerby but secretly wishing one would know what you're going through and could offer some assistance. 

    Days, weeks, and months just all blur together. They all become the same - time doesn't matter anymore. How can you care if all you can focus on is this white noise that keeps echoing through your brain? Holidays zoom by...future dreams and prospects become mere dreams that you force yourself to not think about. For if you do, you may lose your sanity.

    You can make out some of the people conversations of those who are speeding by around you. Sometimes it's small talk, sometimes it's future plans or ideas. Every once in a while someone will briefly notice you and ask you how you're doing, to which you'll reply "fine", while trying not to seethe in rage as you ask yourself how these people can not notice how much pain you're in. You're hate yourself for hating them for ignoring you, and the cycle of shame and anger keeps repeating itself in your mind so much that you force yourself to think about something else.

    Every positive thought is followed by a negative one. "Maybe tomorrow it'll be nice and sunny" might be followed by...who cares...your life will remain dreadful regardless. Or perhaps the thought "hey, there's an extra credit opportunity today" will come before: why even try when you're already failing this class so badly?

    Perhaps you have a terrible day and hit rock bottom. The worst it gets. When all that fear, insecurity, and despair all comes crashing down on top of you. When you wake up on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, and can see nothing for miles around. Panic grips you as you realize that there's nobody around...and you're completely alone. You're isolated, hopeless, and worst of all, you're numb. Very numb, and torn apart by that hole in your heart that produces all the negative emotion that haunts you and creates your reality. It's an empty, painful existence which is the reality for millions of people in the world.

    Now maybe you can climb out. Maybe you take some medication and those zipping people all around you will slow down. Maybe you can find yourself able to talk again and able to reach out to other people, ending the isolation that once permeated your reality. Perhaps you can cut out that white noise, take those stairs up to the floor where the party is, and swim freely in that river again. If that's the case, good for you. Others, including me, aren't quite there yet. But maybe, just maybe, if enough of us get out, we can hunt down this demon and end it for the millions who suffer from it. There's got to be a way, and I hope one day this will become more easily treatable. But for now, I can take pride in calling myself a soon-to-be survivor of this awful darkness.
  9. Varrack

    1 Year on MLP Forums

    By Varrack,

    I joined this site one year ago today, and I'm glad I did. I don't mean to make this sound cheesy or anything, but I'm just really impressed with how organized this place is and how good the moderation is. Visit another MLP site, and you don't get quite the same experience.
     
    There's a lot of cool experiences I've had here...meeting friends here and talking with them a lot. Posting on episode threads and discussing it with other people instead of just watching it by myself and feeling secluded with my opinions. Read other peoples' stories of things that have gone on in their lives. Participating in the Q&A events. It's definitely been fun, and I don't plan on leaving any time soon.
     
    The one regret I have is not making as many friends as I wanted to...some users on here would be fun to talk to I'm sure. Hopefully I'll get to know more of you in the future.
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