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Comic Sans

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  1. Comic Sans
    It seems that when it comes to things like this, I am very good at offering my advice on the subject to others, but I am completely unable to heed my own advice. Ironic, really, isn't it?
     
    As of late I've just been feeling, as the title of this entry says, 'emotionally crushed' and for all sorts of reasons really.
     
    Things with my benefits are not going smoothly. I still have not found myself a job and I've been looking for almost a year now. My friends are very busy with their work just lately, so I don't get to see them very often, yet at the same time with my social anxiety, which just comes and goes as it pleases, a lot of the time I never feel like seeing them even when they're free, so that's annoying.
     
    I'm trying to get back into drawing and people don't seem remotely interested in my art. I mean, I don't have a lot of followers on Twitter or anything like that, plus I never add hash tags so that people can even search and find them, so it is really my own fault. I don't know.
     
    Everything I do lately just seems like a wasted effort, to the point where I almost don't even want to bother getting out of bed in the morning because I just think, hey, what's the point?
     
    So if I ever seem to act really random and say weird stuff, that's just me trying to stay positive. Like I wrote my about me page of my profile while I was in a LALALA STAY POSITIVE~ kind of mood, so there ya go. Trying my best here, y'know?
  2. Comic Sans
    So as I sit here at 5am, getting on for almost 6, I'm sitting here thinking about my life and what I have and haven't achieved. Very deep thoughts, but this isn't new to me. It's quite often that I will lay awake at night thinking about things like this and it has just hit me that I suddenly feel my life is slipping away, being wasted and that I have to start doing something about it before it's too late.
     
    I have almost crippling anxiety, which was bad anyway, but towards the end of 2015, it started to get worse, to the point that even seeing my closest friends and hanging out with them was a real struggle. I will be seeing my two closest friends tomorrow and I'm trying incredibly hard not to bail on them last minute, much like I did last year for our little get togethers before Christmas.
     
    It has really dawned on me that I have many dreams and ambitions that I just wish I had worked on sooner, much, much earlier in my life. I'm getting close to 30 and I don't think I can leave these things much later, but with my anxiety and lack of will power and motivation, how is one supposed to achieve that kind of thing? To be able to do these things, the things I really want to do in my life, I need to first learn to get myself motivated to do them in the first place.
     
    I want to get better at drawing, but once I start and nothing looks right, regardless of how hard I try or how long I take to work on something, I'm loosing the will the continue before I've even properly started.
    I want to learn Japanese. I have always wanted to learn Japanese. I have wanted to learn and also visit Japan since I was 11. I struggled trying to learn Spanish last year for the sake of my previous partner, but then, who knows, if I didn't feel so forced to learn Spanish for the sake of someone else, when in reality I had no real drive or passion to learn it, would I have learned it better? Would I learn Japanese better due to having more of an interest in that language than Spanish? Who knows.
     
    Fact of the matter is, I have a lot to change about myself. We're already 7 days into 2016 and I have failed most of my resolutions. I don't think I want to keep this up any longer. It's time to change. It's time to become the person I want to be. No more feeling ashamed or embarrassed about peoples opinions of me. No more being a lazy so-and-so, I need to get out there and live my life the way I want to and not conform to what other people say or do. This will be a long road for me to go down, but I hope that I can reach my goals and achieve my dreams, just like everyone should.
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