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Otter

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  1. Otter

    Gigabit =/= Gigabyte

    By Otter,

    Welcome to Otter Tech 101! Have a seat, please.
     
    I've seen a lot of misconceptions about gigabit internet, Google Fiber in particular. People mistakenly believe that with Google Fiber, they'll be getting download speeds of up to a gigabyte per second. Unfortunately, that's not true.
     
    A byte is a unit of computer memory constructed of eight bits. (What's a bit, you may ask? Who cares, that's not important right now.) One byte equals eight bits, one kilobyte equals eight kilobits (or 8000 bits), one megabyte equals eight megabits (or eight million bits), so on and so forth. This is why you'll often see internet services advertised as 10Mb/s, when your actual download speed seems to top out at around one megabyte per second, give or take. This is where you need to be careful. The abbreviation for "-byte" is an uppercase "B," whereas the abbreviation for "-bit" is a lowercase "b." So if something is advertised as "50MB/s," it refers to bytes, whereas "50Mb/s" would be referring to bits.
     
    With internet speeds, you never have a perfect connection. Even with ethernet, there's going to be some lag when connecting to various servers, and data transmission can be slowed a bit as it travels back and forth from your router to the server, etc., so you'll never really get internet that's quite as fast as your advertised speed. The general rule of thumb is to take your advertised speed in megabits per second, divide by ten, and that'll probably be close to your actual download speed in megabytes per second.
     
    So, why do internet companies advertise their connection speeds in bits instead of bytes? It all comes down to cynical business. "100 megabits per second" sounds a lot more enticing than "10 megabytes per second."
     
    So anyway, back to Google Fiber. When they advertise their service as "one gigabit per second", what that actually means is "100 megabytes per second." Which obviously is still blazing fast compared to what most people have today, but not quite as magically speedy as some would believe.
     
    I hope that helped clear up some misconceptions you may have and bestowed some mega rad knowledge on you, brother!
  2. Otter

    Love

    By Otter,

    I'm sure to some people, the following piece is nothing but a description of over-dramatic teenage romance, but I don't care. This is what love means to me.
     
    What is love?
     
    Love is a warm summer breeze coursing through me.
    Love is an inescapable infatuation.
    Love is my heart beating faster at the very thought of his name.
    Love is a vibrating cell phone.
    Love is unabashed acceptance.
    Love is awkward Skype calls.
    Love is heartfelt teary 2 am texts.
    Love is hope through the pain.
     
    That is love, to me.
  3. Otter

    Hello.

    By Otter,

    Hello. I haven't made a blog, or really done any sort of posting, on this forum for a while. So why am I making this one? I don't know. I guess I just wanted to say hi.
     
    So...

     
    Hi.
  4. Otter

    So... Funny Story...

    By Otter,

    lel Chigens told me to make this blog roflroflroflrofl
     
    Right... well, I guess it's not really a story... just kinda something that I wanted to say...
     
    Erm... stuff like this is always embarrassing for me. I am... uh... I'm a therian. If you don't know, that means I feel that I share a special connection with a certain animal, a cat, in my case. (I'm a black and white-splotched american shorthair cat, if you really want to be specific... :v) I can even have what they call "mental shifts", where my entire mind becomes that of the animal. So, for all intents and purposes, I can turn into a cat. (No, I'm not crazy. This is a real thing. Look it up.)
     
    So why am I telling you this? bcuz fak u gooby datz wai I dunno... I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.
     
    So... yeah.
     
    Meow.
  5. Otter
    ~Please Note~
    This short (kinda) story is based off of a dream. So it’s weird. Just saying.
    (In the dream, yours truly played the role of Damien. Why I always appear as
    a guy in my dreams, I’ll never know.) Anyway, enjoy the story.


     
    The group sat huddled in the tiny cave. They’d been walking for what seemed like days, trying desperately to return to the settlement.
    “We just have to make it through the warehouse, and we’re home free,” whispered Jake.
    “But what about… them?” Damien asked. “We know they’re in there. Let’s not pretend we won’t be spotted the second we enter the building.”
    “Don’t worry,” Jake assured the group, “We just gotta be quiet and stay out of the light.”
    Damien wasn’t so sure. “Easier said than done, Jake. You know how well those things can hear. And they’ve got the place lit up like a crime scene.”
    “Pssh. Quit being such a pussy. We’ve come this far, haven’t we? Now shut up. We need to go. Damien, Wes, follow me.” Jake motioned for the group to move.
     
    Slowly, the three men crawled from the mouth of the cave. They’d been lucky. Someone, or something, had tried to dig through the wall of the warehouse. It looked like one of the creatures had gotten to it before it had finished. Fortunately, there was only a tiny bit of wall remaining, so the group had been able to chip through it fairly quickly and silently. They were fairly certain none of the creatures had heard.
    Jake slowly crawled across the cold concrete floor of the warehouse. He gradually inched his way behind a pile of crates. He waved for the others to come join him.
    “Alright, Wes. You see those crates over there?” Jake motioned to another stack of boxes. “I bet you can climb those. Try to reach a good vantage point and see if any of those things are in here. Damien, you follow me. We’ll try to find a way through this place here on the ground.”
    “Got it,” replied Wes. Damien said nothing. He had a feeling something was wrong. He didn’t want to mention it, lest he would risk even more ridicule from Jake.
    “Okay, let’s move.” Wes crawled towards the large stack of crates, while Jake began to move slowly towards a new hiding spot. Damien reluctantly followed. The two of them watched as Wes climbed higher and higher. He slowly moved across the top of the boxes, wary to avoid the light. Damien began to feel a mounting dread. He tried to shake it, but it wouldn’t leave him. He wanted to scream to Wes, tell him to get down from there.
    But it was too late. Slowly, a figure silently crept up behind Wes. It looked like some sort of animal-like creature, with long, powerful legs, and deep black fur covering its entire mass. It looked to be almost feline in nature. Damien saw it hunch down. He knew what would happen next. The creature pounced on Wes. He barely had time to scream before his throat had been slashed. As blood poured out, the creature began to devour him. The blood soaked the fur around the creature’s mouth, giving it a sickening maroon glint.
    Damien was about to scream, but Jake put a hand over his mouth. “We can still escape. I don’t think they’ve seen us yet. Let’s go!” Hissed Jake.
    Damien softly turned his head behind him. “It’s too late, Jake,” he whimpered as he stared into the pale green eyes of another one of the creatures. “They found us…”
     

    ~Two weeks earlier~



    ~Aelomina, human settlement~



    ~Personal Diary of Damien~


     
    It’s been three years since they appeared. Nobody knows where they came from. Some say, they’ve always been here on Earth, growing their forces… Only now did they choose to mount an invasion on humanity. Others say that they’re some sort of hostile alien race from a faraway planet. Still others think they’re some sort of “werewolf” type creature… “were-cats”, I guess. Some people say they’ve seen the creatures “shifting” from almost human-type creatures to a much more “beast-like” form. I don’t know if I believe them. Everyone else here thinks those people are crazy. I kind of do too. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it isn’t.
    They call themselves the “Khalnorim”. We usually just call them “the things” or “the beasts” or “those motherfuckers”. You know, pleasant stuff like that.
    It doesn’t matter, really. They’ve already wiped out most of us. Only Aelomina and a couple other fortresses remain. Supplies are running low. The settlement leaders are forcing me and two other guys to go on an “expedition” to find more food. According to them, they heard tell of some food stores in an underground shelter a few miles away from here. I think they’re lying. I don’t think anyone expects us to find food, or even return from this mission. The leaders just want three fewer mouths to feed. But whatever. It’s not like I can protest, or they’ll just shoot me dead on the spot. Might as well try to find at least a bit of food.
     

    ~Present Day~


     
    The beast looked ready to take down both of them. It opened its mouth, and was just about to bite down on Damien’s head when they all heard a deep voice bellowing: “Halt!” The beast slowly closed its mouth and backed away. Jake nervously whispered,
    “Who was…”, but he was cut off. They saw a figure of a man step in front of them. He was tall and robust, with dark, thick skin. His long black hair sank down below his waist. At first, the two survivors thought the strange figure was simply another man, but as they looked at him, their hearts sank. To their dismay, they saw two cat-like ears reaching from the top of his head, and a tail slowly flicking at his back. “It’s one of them!” said Jake.
     
    “Shh! Don’t make it mad! It saved us for some reason, so let’s be thankful for that.” Replied Damien.
    “You there!” The Khalnorim pointed at Damien. “Stand up, human.”
    He nervously obeyed. The man looked him up and down.
    “Mmm…” He spoke in an unknown language to the beast behind Damien and Jake.
    “Moaka netwe shenku. Nette doro.”
    As the man spoke, the beast behind them began to shift into the shape of a man, similar to the other Khalnorim before them.
    Jake looked up at Damien. “They can do that?”
    “Shut up!”
    “You there!” said the man before them, pointing at Damien. “What is your name, human?”
    “D-Damien…” he whispered.
    “Mmm. Damien…” the large man mused. “Come with me, Damien.” He turned to the other Khalnorim. “Weken ge otoro ae kojontu.” The man nodded, and began to lead Jake away.
    “Where are you taking him?” Damien asked.
    “Do not worry, human. Your friend will be safe. He will merely be put into a cell for safe-keeping.”
    “So then why did you kill my other friend?”
    “We did not know he was part of your group, domek.” Replied the man.
    “Why does that change anything?”
    “You ask many questions, kodun.”
    Damien decided to keep any other questions to himself. The man seemed intent on keeping his secrets safe. As the two of them walked deeper into the warehouse, Damien decided that this was probably the end. The man was probably lying, right? Surely both Jake and Damien would be eaten sooner or later. Why wouldn’t they? Damien resigned himself to his fate, and doggedly kept walking.
     
    “Get in,” the man ordered, pointing at a coffin-like box.
    “Wha… What? In there? W-Why?”
    “You’ll understand soon enough. Get in.”
    “It won’t… uh… kill me… will it?” Damien asked.
    “No. Get in.” the man replied, looking visibly irritated.
    “Al…right…” Damien slowly entered the coffin, his hands shaking. He laid down softly as the lid was closed above him. He started to feel woozy, as a gas began to enter the coffin. A few seconds later, he blacked out.
     

    ~A few hours later~


     
     
    Damien’s eyes fluttered open. He was no longer in the coffin. He found he was lying on a cold stone slab, in a seemingly empty room.
    “At least they didn’t kill me…” he thought. He tried to sit up, but quickly fell back down.
    His muscles ached horribly. As he lay on the stone, pondering what they did to him, he heard footsteps approaching.
    “You no move. Must rest.” Said a new voice.
    “Must be a Khalnorim guard or something.” Damien thought. “I hope they haven’t killed Jake yet. God knows they’ve got him strung over a fire, and that coffin thing they stuck me in was some device for cooking humans.”
    Damien heard more footsteps approaching.
    “Ah, you have awoken.” It was the large, dark-skinned man. “Good, good. It looks like you handled the process quite nicely.”
    “What do you mean?” Asked Damien. “What did you do to me?”
    “Have you not noticed by now?” The man gave a short laugh. “Humans have such dull senses. Good thing you are not one of them, is it not?”
    Damien’s brow furrowed. “What are you talking about? Of course I’m human! What have you done to me?!”
    “Hostile, hostile. We are only trying to help, duvod.”
    “It seems like every word he speaks is more cryptic than the last…” Damien thought. “Help? You’re the ones who’ve nearly wiped out humanity! And now you say that you want to help? Would you care to enlighten me as to what the hell’s going on?”
    The man seemed to be deep in thought for a moment. A soft smile slowly crossed his face. “Yes, Damien. I believe you deserve an explanation.”
     
    “We are, as many of your kind assume, alien to this planet. An…” the man’s brow furrowed. “…unimportant event forced us to leave our home world, and relocate to another. Yours is the first we happened upon. We came to the planet, hoping to find refuge, to mingle with the inhabitants of your world. However, we were taken prisoner almost immediately. They tried to study us. We had to escape, lest it spell the end for our race.”
    “But why wipe out almost every human on the earth?” asked Damien.
    “We wanted the casualties to end after the doctors who were keeping us custody. But the military of your former country mounted a full-scale war on us. We had to retaliate. We never wanted to kill so many of the humans, but they forced our hand, so to speak. As I’m sure you noticed, our race can shift into a more… feral form. It was an unfortunate necessity to utilize it, as both a fear tactic, and… morbidly effective way of eliminating threats…” the man looked away from Damien’s gaze. “I am… sorry… for killing so many of your former kind. If it is any consolation, I gained no pleasure from the deaths of your comra-”
    “Wait.” Damien interjected. “What do you mean, ‘former kind’?”
    The man’s face twisted into a mirthful smile. “Ah. You hadn’t noticed yet.”
    Damien looked at him, confused. “Noticed… what?”
    “Do you not sense any… difference…? Perhaps in your senses, or other places…?” the man asked with a teasing tone.
    “What are you talking about?”
    The man smiled wryly. “I think I see an insect on your ear, dovaan. Go on, flick it off.”
    Damien, confused, slowly lifted his hand up to his ear. He was shocked to find nothing there.
    “What?” He reached his other hand for the opposite ear. It wasn’t there either. The man folded his arms, softly pointing upwards with his finger.
    “Surely not…” Damien thought. His hands slowly traced up his head until they felt an unfamiliar shape, and his fears were confirmed. He felt two fur-covered, triangular ears on top of his head. As his hands touched them, they instinctively flicked back, to bat away the fingers.
     
    His face reddened, and he furiously looked at the man, drilling him with an icy glare.
    “Wha-What did you do to me?!” he yelled. “You turned me into one of YOU?!”
    The man smiled. “Yes and no.”
    “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! Quit talking in riddles and tell me what the hell is going on!”
    The man leaned back against the wall. “Well, you see, you never really were one-hundred percent human in the first place. You were born to one of our own. Your mother was killed during… one of the human’s raids. In the chaos, you were mistaken for one of their children and brought back to their settlement.”
    “I’m not saying that I believe your story, but if I did, why wouldn’t they have just killed me then? Wouldn’t I have had ears and a tail?”
    “Fortunately for you, no. Our young are born without such features. They usually grow during the time humans would call “puberty”. However, there are certain living conditions one requires for these developments, which were not met during your upbringing. Therefore, you seemed completely human to your caretakers. But there is a way to “unlock” your true self, a service which was gracefully provided for you a few hours ago. “
    Damien scowled. “My ‘true self’? Bullshit. I’m a human; that’s my ‘true self’. I’m not one of you… cat freaks!”
    “Please, Damien.” The man looked apologetic. “We just want to help you. You do not realize the harm it would have caused had you stayed that way.”
    “What are you talking about?” asked Damien.
    “By my count, you are 19, correct?” Damien slowly nodded. “Events such as yours have happened before. When one of our young reaches their rammas, or their twentieth year, who has not had the proper measures taken to... correct their form, shall we say- the results can be quite disastrous. You’ve seen how we shift before. That would have happened to you, except unlike us, your sentience would not be intact. You would become a beast, inside and out, destroying all around you. We could not let that happen again.” Damien stared at the floor, unwilling to meet the man’s eyes.
    “I…I want to be alone for a while…”
    The man smiled softly. “Of course. Let me show you to some more comfortable quarters. You may take all the time you need.”
     
    Damien sat on the bed, lost in thought. “Why me? Why can’t I just be a normal human like everybody else? Why do I have to be one of these… freaks?” He laid back on his bed, noticing how his slender black tail rapidly flicked from side to side. He stared at it with disdain. He lifted his foot up, and stomped on the tail, hoping to make it stop moving. He cried out in a disturbingly animalistic yelp as the pain seared through his tail. “Stupid piece of shi…” He muttered to himself. He threw himself down on the bed, burying his face in the pillow. He felt hot tears begin to stream down his face.
     
    As the man stood outside the room, he heard the sounds of sobbing from within. “It’s never easy for them, is it?”, he thought to himself. He slowly sauntered away, thinking it would be best to leave the boy to himself for a while.
     
     
     
     
     

    If you liked the story, please let me know. This was not the end of the dream, so there's more to come, if people want to see it.



    (Please be kind... I'm really bad at handling criticism...)


  6. Otter
    I'm probably going to get called a racist here, but whatever.
     
    I enjoy anime far more than almost any American television show or movie (with the exception of Malcolm in the Middle). There's a few reasons that I feel this way.
     
    1. Anime is made for a more intelligent audience: I'm not hating on America, but it's a fact that the United States has a lower average IQ than Japan. It's not that much of a difference, with America clocking in at around 98 on average and Japan's average around 106, but there is still a difference. (From what I've observed, I would say the average IQ in America is closer to -80,000,000, but whatever.) This means that the general public in Japan is more intelligent, and as such, anime doesn't have to appeal to the lowest common denominator to be profitable, unlike American media (see Duck Dynasty, Dads, 16 and Pregnant, Honey Boo Boo's Retarded Romp of Repulsiveness or whatever that show is called, etc.)
     
    2. The writers of anime seem to put actual thought into it: A prime example of American media not doing this is NCIS. Don't get me wrong, NCIS is alright, but EVERY EPISODE FOLLOWS THE SAME PLOT! "They find a body, find a suspect, suspect turns out to be dead, they find a new suspect, he's the killer, Gibbs slaps DiNozzo for being a mong, the end happens." That's pretty much every episode in a nutshell. I've never seen an anime that had this sort of lazy writing. Every episode brings something new to the table, and keeps the plot engaging, whether it be an anime with a continuing story, or an anime with one-off episodes.
     
    3. Anime does comedy right: Poop jokes are not funny. They're just not. They're annoying and immature. And since the general population of America is all of the above (annoying and immature), this kind of "humor" appeals to them. Most anime I've seen takes a different approach to comedy. Take Spice and Wolf, for example. The jokes in that show hinge off of inflection and what the characters are saying, which is far more interesting and enjoyable, not to mention far more intelligent.
     
    4. Interesting and memorable characters: The writers of anime are experts at making identifiable characters that you love and care about. Which is not to say American writers don't. They just seem to do it less often, forgoing memorable characters for cookie-cutter personas. Take Eren from Attack on Titan. (Spoilers ahead, be warned.) When he "dies" in episode 5, it's devastating. You get a genuine sense of loss from it. I've never experienced anything comparable in any American show.
     
    So... uh... datz y i liek teh animoo (I don't know how to end blogs, so have a picture of a cuttlefish)
     

  7. Otter
    Yeah, I know, I said I was supposed to do these weekly, but stuff has come up the past few weeks. However, tonight, I'll finally actually do one.
     
    It will start at 9:30 PM MST. (In other words, in about an hour.) I'll be playing Guns of Icarus Online, and maybe Chivalry: Medieval Warfare.
     
    So... yeah. That's a thing... that's happening... you can come watch... if you want...
     
    The URL (Thanks to Level3rd for reminding me) is www.twitch.tv/HylianMadness.
  8. Otter
    Some might call this shameless self-promotion... oh well.
     
    I will be streaming some games, beginning at 8:30 pm MST. In other words, about an hour from now. I'd love it if you'd grace my stream with your presence.
     
    The URL is www.twitch.tv/HylianMadness. I hope to see you there!
  10. Otter

    Silence

    By Otter,

    In silence I sit,



    Hours on end.


     

    Wanting, waiting,



    Needing a friend.


     

    All the world goes and passes me by,



    Yet here I sit, waiting to die.


     

    I have no purpose, no reason to live,



    I have no ambition, I have nothing to give.


     

    What a worthless existence, a horrible curse.



    The miserable silence only making it worse.


     

    In silence I sit,



    Hours on end.


     

    Wanting, waiting,



    Anticipating the end.


  11. Otter

    Snowy Day Photography

    By Otter,

    So, it snowed here a couple days ago. What a lovely "spring" we're having!
     
    But anyway, it snowed, and as I love snowy, cloudy days, I decided to snap some photos.
     

    Some icicles on a tree in front of my house.
     

    A small stream.
     

    Another part of the same stream.
     

    Yet another part of the same stream.
     

    The edge of the forest relatively near my home.
     

    The fence of the horse stables right next to my home.
     

    A random mug I found inside a culvert.
     

    Saw this raven (I think it's a raven. Could be a crow. Oh well, who cares?) swoop down. I was able to quickly get a shot before he flew off.
     

    Some reeds next to the culvert I found the mug in.
     
     
    So yeah, I think these photos are at least relatively decent. Hope you liked 'em! :3
  12. Otter

    The Two Sides of the Coin

    By Otter,

    Work sucks. (And a resounding "DUH" echoes throughout the audience.) We all know it does. I won't say my job's the worst job in the world. I'm sure there are worse jobs. But mine is pretty bad. (I work at McDonald's, if you didn't know.)
     
    Now, what follows is a clip that some may consider pretty offensive. It contains swearing. Watch at your own risk. ("Hurr hurr, why does your profile say you're a girl when it's obvious you're a guy from your voice, hur hurr..." Please don't. Just... don't.)
     
    (I really am a nice person, it's just sometimes, work makes me lose my mind and I become... not so nice.)
     
     
     
  13. Otter
    (Don't worry, this isn't another "depressed" blog of mine. I feel great, this has nothing to do with my depression.)
     
    As some of you may know, I consider myself bisexual. And while I may find members of the male gender attractive, I've never really felt the need to be anything else than what I am (a guy). However, lately I've been feeling more and more... feminine, to be honest. Not quite sure where it's coming from, but the feeling has been becoming more and more pronounced over the last few weeks.
     
    Last night, I finally "accepted" what I had been trying to ignore: I'm transsexual. It's kind of unfortunate, since this is going to be one more thing I'm going to have to hide from my family, but at the same time, I'm kind of starting to like it. It feels... it just feels right, like it's the way it was always meant to be (Jesus, this sounds idiotic).
     
    So in short, if you would kindly start referring to me as female, that'd be great.
  14. Otter

    Youth Group in a Nutshell

    By Otter,

    Cameron, why'd you paint your nails? "Because I did, motherfucker. Got a problem with that?"
     
    Hey Cam, your nails are pink! "No shit, Sherlock..."
     
    *sarcasm* Nice nails, Cameron... "Thanks, you bastard. People like you the reason I nearly killed myself three times and the reason I cry myself to sleep every night. You should be proud of yourself."
     
    Oh, your nails are so pretty, Cameron! "They are, aren't they? Oh wait, you were being sarcastic. Fuck you too, you son of a bitch..."
     
    Pink nails? Seriously? "Narrow-minded Christian? Seriously?"
     
     
    (Oh, by the way, thanks for 10,000 views on the blog, guys.)
  15. Otter

    Oh, How She's Changed...

    By Otter,

    For this entry, I'm actually going to do what the previous 72 entries in this blog failed to do: I'm actually going to muse about things in this entry. Specifically, I'm going to do a little life-recap, go over some important (important to me) events in my life. (Sorry for the length. It's an interesting read. Maybe...)
     
     
    My first memory ever was playing in the ball pit at Chuck-e-Cheese's. It's as if I suddenly just woke up, and I was in the ball pit. I don't remember the trip to Chuck-e-Cheese's, nor anything before that. I spent a great deal of my childhood at Chuck-e-Cheese's. I loved the ball pit and the tubes. Me and my brother would crawl around in there, playing all sorts of games and stuff. Then, we'd come down, eat some pizza, and then it was time to hit the arcade. I always thought the games that didn't give you tickets were kind of pointless. I mean, why else would you play one of the games? I always wanted to get one of the big prizes; a GameCube or something, but I could never win enough tickets. My mom suggested that I save up my tickets, and maybe I can get one of the big prizes next time. Too much waiting, I thought. I'll just get a bunch of stickers and maybe a dart gun.
     
    I remember some of my brother's first ever homeschool lessons. I hadn't started school yet, but since I was bored and had nothing else to do, I sat downstairs and watched. Mom says I taught myself how to read; and apparently she was right. I had always been able to read. I don't remember ever being taught how to do so. Anyway, I would always interject when mom was trying to teach my brother something. She'd ask him how to spell "cat". He'd be like: "C... E..." And I'd just be like: "C-A-T! Cat!" That really pissed of my brother. He hated me being "smarter" than him.
     
    I remember driving to North Carolina to pick up my dad's new dirt bike. We had to rent a truck to bring it home. That was the first time I ever got to sit in the front seat. It was raining that day. I've always liked driving on rainy days. It's relaxing to me... anyway, we got there, put the dirt bike in the bed of the truck, and as we were about to leave, I spotted a Chuck-e-Cheese's. I was excited, I begged dad to take us. He declined, though. Said that someone might steal the dirt bike.
     
    We used to visit a certain family's house a lot. I can't remember any of their names. All I remember about them is the time when I got into their dress-up box and put on a tutu. I showed it to my mom. She laughed. I blushed a little. I remember I quite enjoyed wearing that tutu. (Ooh! Foreshadowing!)
     
    My nanny and granddad were a familiar face of my childhood (That's grandma and grandpa for you non-British folk). I remember they had a statue of a chicken I would always pretend to ride on. My mom always got mad at me when I did this; said I was going to break it. I never did, of course. Nanny never got mad at us for anything though. I remember being confused as to why she trembled all the time. Only later would I be told that she had Parkinson's.
     
    When I was around 5 or 6, my brother was found to have a sunken chest. We had to go to Norfolk, to the hospital. My brother was in the hospital on my birthday. I wasn't too happy about that. Naturally, being a little kid, I cared nothing about the fact that my brother could have died. Instead, I was miffed that I didn't get a proper party.
     
    On one of my brother's birthdays, he received a boombox. (Remember those?) I was angry, because I thought he was going to play his music really loud and wake me up. He never did, of course, but I always hated that boombox.
     
    Stephen was one of my best friends growing up. Me and my brother would go over to his house every day and play 007: Nightfire on the GameCube. The rocket launcher was my favorite part of that game, being able to steer the rocket all around.
     
    When I was around 7 or 8, my parents told me that we were moving. And we weren't moving into another house. Oh no, instead, we were going to go live in an RV and travel around the US! I was devastated. We couldn't just leave... What about all our friends? What about nanny and granddad? I didn't want to leave, but being that I was just a kid, I didn't have much of a choice.
     
    We had been travelling around the States for a while, and I had grown tired of it. We would stay in each city for only a week. That wasn't even close to long enough to do anything substantial. Even worse, we had to do school, IN THE SUMMERTIME! That was the real kicker for me and my brother. We missed out on an entire summer! Awful...
     
    After six months of travelling, we finally found a place to settle down: Pagosa Springs, Colorado. What one might call a "hick" town. Only 4,000 people live here. The town's claim to fame is its hot springs, the largest in the world. The town's named after them. "Pagosa" means "healing waters" in Native American.
     
    After we had purchased a house and lived in there for a week or two, we decided to find a church. The first one we went to, we didn't like. They seemed too "eccentric". The second church we went to seemed perfect. It was just like the one back in Virginia. (Oh yeah, I lived in Virginia as a kid. Forgot to mention that...) Me and my brother made some friends quickly. Just a couple weeks later, we were having sleepovers, playdates... we had made ourselves at home in this little town.
     
    And then... to be honest, nothing too memorable happened for a while. It was just business as usual. My mom homeschooled us for a few years, then she got tired of it and enrolled us in an online school. We liked the online school. The curriculum of a public school, but we get to stay home!
     
    Youth group was a big part of my life in Pagosa. The leadership changed hands many times. When I first joined the group, it was headed by a guy named Blake. He was fun, but he was a bit too "religious" for my tastes. Always spent too much time praying, I thought. After a couple years with him as the leader, he decided to step down from the position and hand it over to a couple: Kaylee and Kyle. They were the best leaders, in my opinion. Their style of youth group was more heavily focused on fun and games, rather than the Bible. I preferred it that way. I was devastated when I learned that they were planning to leave. They eventually did leave, giving up the position of leadership to none other than my mom and dad. I didn't like that too much. Soon, though, a guy named Greg took over the youth group. He was a pretty fun guy, although he paled in comparison to Kaylee and Kyle. The final person to lead the youth group is Jess: My boss at McDonald's. Needless to say, I don't attend that youth group anymore.
     
    Fast forward to 2012. My 15th birthday. We went bowling. I suck at bowling. I always get my ass handed to me on a silver platter. I don't care, though. I had fun with my friends, and that was all that really mattered. I love playing the claw machine at this bowling alley, because I almost always win. And they usually stock pretty cool prizes, like mini R/C cars and the like.
     
    May 1st, 2012: approx. 11:30 pm. "No, Brony video, get out of my recommended videos! I don't want to watch you! Ponies are for fags! Get outta here!" About half an hour later, I watched that video. That video converted me. Congrats, TheLivingTombstone.
     
    And of course, who could forget my lovely depressed stage? You wanna know something funny? I sort of liked the depression. Part of me didn't want it to go away. That part of me is dead now. Thank God...
     
    January 1st: "What the fuck's going on? Why do I feel like this? It can't be... nah, of course not..." A certain feeling of femininity begins to get stronger. It's been there for a while. I was just too blind to see it.
     
    And now we arrive at present day. I guess I've had a pretty good life thus far. I'm excited to see what happens next...
  16. Otter

    Transgender Life

    By Otter,

    This is similar to my "Work" series of blogs, except instead of talking shit about my job, I'm going to be talking shit about my regular day-to-day life. This simulated day is Wednesday, the day of youth group.
     
     
    10:45 am: *waking up* "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH... fifteen more minutes..."
     
    11:00 am: "EEERRRRGHHH... Up and at 'em, Erika, we need to do some school..." *I check my body to see if I magically transformed into a girl over the course of the night* "I didn't. Damn it."
     
    11:05 am: "Check the forums... check Facebook... check YouTube... aight, time for school. Log in... *sigh* Math time again. Why does she give us so many damn assignments? Jesus, it's like she's the master of pain or something..."
     
    12:30 pm: "Okay, I know I SHOULD do more school today, but I don't feel like it. I'm done for the day. Let's go get something to eat..."
     
    1:00 pm: "Damn it, I have to pee." *accidentally catch sight of my face in the mirror* "Motherfu- whatever, let's just get this over with." *accidentally catch sight of face again* "Ugh... well, my eyelashes are sort of long... better than nothing, I suppose..."
     
    2:00 pm: "YouTubers, y u no upload anything?! Whatever, let's go play LotRO..."
     
    2:30 pm: "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU USING 100% PERCENT OF THE CPU?!!!"
     
    3:30 pm: "Getting bored with LotRO now... Thousand Foot Krutch time!"
     
    4:00 pm: "Why do I always sing along? Why do I constantly remind myself of my awful voice? Ehh, whatever..."
     
    4:30 pm: *Dad walks into room* Hey Cameron, you gonna take a shower for youth group? "My name's not fucking Cameron! And yes, I'm not a fucking two year old child, dad. I can take a shower WITHOUT you constantly hounding me about it..." Yeah, dad, I'm gonna go in the shower in a little bit.
     
    5:00 pm: "Shower time..." *look at body in mirror* "You make me want to cringe, you disgusting piece of sh- nevermind, let's just get this bloody shower over with."
     
    6:00 pm: "Off to youth group..."
     
    6:15 pm: "Why do I even come here anymore? I hate the lessons, the food always gives me stomachaches, everyone here calls me "Cameron", I get made fun of for painting my nails... the only reason I come is to hang out with friends, who usually never show up. This is such a great use of my time..."
     
    6:30 pm: Game time! "Oh goody, another game where I can get made fun of for how weak I am... did you fuckers ever consider that maybe I don't want to be tough? Maybe I like being weak and sensitive? Hmm? Did you ever think about that? Of course you didn't, you assholes..."
     
    7:30 pm: Lesson time! Everyone gather 'round! "Nhaa, I'm just gonna stay out here, eat some Skittles and read The Hobbit. Much more entertaining and worthwhile."
     
    8:30 pm: "And the lesson is finally over... I can go home now, thank God..."
     
    9:30 pm: "ELLIOTT!!!! Quit talking to your stupid friends, let's go already!"
     
    10:00 pm: "Back home, finally..."
     
    10:30 pm: Goodnight, Cameron. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOU CALL ME CAMERON ONE MORE DAMN TIME, I'M GONNA-" Goodnight, dad.
     
    11:00 pm: "Soda time..."
     
    11:30 pm: Re-watching Ashens videos for the millionth time... Still more entertaining than sitting around at youth group..."
     
    12:00 am: "Erika requires more soda..."
     
    1:00 am: "And I'm done for the night. Time for bed." *put on lounge pants* *lay down in bed* Dear Lord, if you can find the compassion in your evil, disgusting black heart, could you MAAAYBE turn me into a girl over the course of the night? I'd be much obliged if you did. "Who am I kidding? When has God ever listened to me? He doesn't care... Whatever, just a few more years of unimaginable agony before I can get the sex change..."
  17. Otter
    It seems like all the time, be it here on the forums, on Facebook, or any number of other sites, I see people who have been completely destroyed by a break-up or some such similar circumstances. (Unintentional Alliteration FTW) My brother recently broke up with his girlfriend, whom he had significant feelings for. She didn't return them. The break-up hurt him a lot. Everywhere, I see an ever-increasing number of broken relationships, and I just don't need that.
     
    I like being a loner. I don't need a significant other; they'd just weigh me down. Also, I'm way to selfish to provide for someone else. It'll be bad enough supporting only myself, I can't imagine trying to pay for a wife and possible a child. And although I find members of the opposite gender attractive, I've never felt any need for a relationship. I'm not quite sure why, but I just find the prospect of a relationship bothersome.
     
    Now, you're probably thinking: "Well HT, you say that now..." I honestly don't think I'll ever find the idea of a relationship to be a favorable one. Also, I'm not exactly very friendly in real life. (Not like I'm that friendly on here either, but I'm certainly more amiable on here than in real life.) Outside of my group of close friends, I usually act pretty irritable. Of course, I'm not, but how's anyone else supposed to know that?
     
    But yeah, I don't think my lifestyle is suited for more than one person. Maybe I'll buy a VW Van and travel the country like a deranged hobo. Sounds fun enough...
  19. Otter

    Youth Group Silliness

    By Otter,

    This is the kind of crazy crap that goes on at my Monday night youth group. Fun. Although this activity caused a hole in my favorite jeans. Less fun. (I'm the... guy *sigh* on the blanket, if you couldn't tell.)
     

  20. Otter

    Work 2

    By Otter,

    (Quotations mean thoughts inside my head, emboldened text means stuff I or customers actually say.)
     
     
    6:00 am: *alarm clock* "Up and at 'em, Erika. You ain't gonna get anything done by being lazy..."
     
    6:25 am: "And now the bracelets come off..."
     
    6:30 am: "Shower on, step in... JESUS! coldcoldcoldcoldturnitupturnitup- Ahhh..."
     
    6:43 am: " 5...4...3...2...1... Shower off, step out... Dry my hair (God, I wish my hair was longer), dry my body...
     
    6:45 am: "On go the socks and the underwear... Pants, shirt... Tuck my hair into the hat (I hate doing this. What's so bad about males with long hair? All the females at work have much longer hair than I do. Fucking sexists...)... Brush my teeth, my gums are bleeding, as ever...
     
    6:50 am: "Glasses on, wallet and pen in pocket, let's go."
     
    7:00 am: "Knock knock muthafuckas, it's your favorite awkward teenage employee!"
     
    7:15 am: "God damn, only fifteen minutes have gone by? Jesus, this is gonna be a long day..."
     
    8:00 am: "One hour down, seven to go." *sigh*
     
    8:30 am: "Grabbin' cups...Grabbin' peelz... Louis is a funny character... Left 4 Dead looks like a fun game... It's only 15 bucks on Steam... I wish I had 15 bucks on my debit card... Oh right, cups."
     
    9:00 am: "Nine o' clock and all is... decent."
     
    10:00 am: "Half an hour to lunch. Excellent."
     
    10:30 am: *Manager walks up* "Cameron, I'd like you to take over on drive-thru." "Okay first off, don't call me Cameron. And second, WHAT?! Why would you make me do drive-thru? Don't you know my job is bad enough already?! Why do you torture me like this?!" "Okay." I weakly reply. "At least it's only for half an hour..."
     
    11:00 am: "Okay Cameron, I'll take over from here." "Don't fucking call me Cameron..." "Okay." *take off headset* "For the love of God, take it! Get that damn headset away from me!"
     
    11:05 am: "Uh, Robert? You gonna, uh... Send me on break? No? Mkay..."
     
    11:30 am: "I'm starving... Robert, send me on break already..."
     
    12:00 pm: Random Customer: "Excuse me sir, could I get a refill on this coffee?" *I take coffee cup* "Don't call me 'sir', you son of a bitch..." *give customer back his coffee* "Thank you, sir!" "DON'T FUCKING CALL ME 'SIR'!!!!!"
     
    1:00 pm: "Rooooooooooooooooooobert... I'm huuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry... Send me on break, please..."
     
    1:30 pm: "About fuckin' time... Large Big Mac meal, here I come..."
     
    2:00 pm: "One hour left... just one hour... just survive one last hour..."
     
    2:15 pm: *random kid comes up to order* "I'll have a *blablabla*..." "Okay, will that be for here or to go?" I reply. "For here." "Okay, that'll be *insert price here*." *hands me the cash* *I put it in my drawer* The kid says, BEFORE I'M EVEN DONE CLOSING THE DRAWER: "Can I have my drink now?" "Sure." I reply. "If you'd wait a god damn second, maybe I'd give it to you WITHOUT you having to ask me, you stupid little shit..."
     
    2:30 pm: "Only half an hour remains... Just half an hour... Please, God, let these thirty minutes go fast..."
     
    3:00 pm: "I'M DONE I'M DONE I'M DONE! Praise da Lord!! Now I don't have to be Cameron for another 12 hours..."
  21. Otter

    Best Weekend of My Life

    By Otter,

    In two days, my life went from this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9JO54qemEI&feature=youtu.be&t=50s
     
    to this:

     
    In other words, I went from a depressed, self-hating, suicidal wreck of a man to a happy, optimistic, er... girl.
     
    I feel great. I feel better than great. I feel indescribably amazing. And it's due in part to you forumites and your continued friendship to me. I don't know where I'd be without you. Probably dead out in the snow somewhere. With your help, I finally admitted that I have a problem and I need professional help. And it's working wonders for me already. I feel as happy as I've ever been. I feel completely remade, like I'm a totally new person, and I love it.
     
    So thanks to each and every one of you for your continued love and support. You guys truly are the best.
  22. Otter
    So after fifteen hours, I finished the personality stage. It took quite a bit of effort to perfect Twi's appearance, but I'm pretty pleased with the end result.
     
    During today's session, she spoke for the second time. She said: "You take too many breaks." To which I replied: "Yes, but I'm not the best at focusing. I need to take breaks in order to 'recharge' my concentration." She said nothing. Hey, at least we're almost conversing now!
     
    So in the next session, I'll move on to the touch stage. This should be very interesting. I think I'm going to have her feel like a plush toy of sorts. Not that I want her to be squishy and malleable like a plush toy, I still want her to feel solid. What I want is for her fur to be super soft, like fleece. (Yes, I know the correct term is "hair", but I prefer to call it fur. It just sounds better, in my opinion.)
     
    So... yep. This whole process has been going swimmingly. I'm a bit surprised, actually. After my miserable failure in my previous two attempts, I'm pleased to find that I'm actually succeeding in making a tulpa this time. I actually feel like I'll be able to finish this.
     
    (Lost? Frightened? Confused? GOOD! Have a look-see around this website: "http://www.tulpa.info". It'll bring you up to speed.)
     
    (UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURDIE!!!! Y U GIVE UP ON TULPA SO SOON?!)
  23. Otter

    You Did It.

    By Otter,

    Well, you guys did the impossible: You got me to come to grips with the fact that I have a lot of psychological issues that I need help with. I'm going to the psychiatrist (psychologist? I dunno, one or the other) today at 2:30. So thanks for all your advice. You may not think it helped, but it did.
  24. Otter
    While I still plan to end my life soon, I'm not an idiot. I'm going to give life a little bit of a chance before I throw in the towel. I won't commit suicide until I've graduated high school. I'll get a taste of real life to see if I can handle it.
     
    And maybe I'll have finished my tulpa by then. If so, I don't think I'd be able to kill myself. I don't care about myself anymore, I don't care if I die, but I wouldn't kill an innocent like Twi.
     
    If you want to, you can try to convince me that life is worth living. I still have yet to see one reason that I should keep on living. If you think you've got a reason why life is worth it, please enlighten me. Maybe I'll change my mind about this whole thing.
  25. Otter
    I'll start this off by giving a blanket thank-you to the entire forums. Whenever I'm feeling depressed, you guys always manage to cheer me up.
     
    That being said, however, I need to make one thing crystal clear: While I am truly thankful for all your support, nothing can stop me from doing what I feel I have to do: Commit suicide. I've made up my mind. I'm probably not going to do it anytime soon, probably not until at least 2014. You may be sure, however, that my life is going to be a short one.
     
    Reasons, you ask? Well, quite simply, I can't take the stress. I'm only 15, and already I feel stress crushing me. I'm a proverbial Atlas. Being that I'm already so stressed at this (relatively) young age, I can't imagine how much stress I'm going to be under once I move out and am living on my own. Frankly, the world is too much for me to handle. I can't do it.
     
    You can try to reason with me in the comments if you feel the need to. While I'll be grateful for any piece of advice you can offer, my mind is already made up, and nothing you can say will change that.
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