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Here No Longer

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  1. Here No Longer
    I never figured I would write a Part 2 to my original blog post, but I got inspirations from a status written by @Kyoshi mentioning the need to leave home because life f***ing stinks, and it angers me to know it's my dad's fault.. Wrote a post of my own in reply (I meant not to impose, it did kind of sound that way, my apologies), and this will be the long version of it. At my house, it's gotten so bad that soon enough I'll have no choice but to move away from my dad. I think I could explain it like this: My dad is making things WORSE for me than they would be otherwise (aside from if I were homeless, but even then in a town of a couple thousand like S_____ where I live, being homeless doesn't necessarily happen because of the people).
    He's a big part of the reason I have less than $200 to my name right now, and even then most of that was from helping out my grandma with sorting through my great uncle's belongings (which yes, he was there also), or other things to that effect. I've only been able to hang on to it for so long because at least he's not that horrific at keeping himself afloat that he's going to take (technically not stealing, because he's the representative payee on the bank account) the rest of my money. I've been led to believe that in the first year since I graduated, he spent $10,000 of my own money, and it sickens me. Sure, it's understandable to have spent part of it to help me out, but... ALL OF IT? Where does it GO? Oh, yes. It goes towards his pigs, which is what I believe he spent my money on (most of which was from my mother's inheritance, which was INTENDED to buy clothes and groceries)... Now there's no internet, no air conditioning (which in Texas, is a NECESSITY in the summer months), little food to eat, nothing to drink except the tap water (that nobody else will drink because it makes them SICK), and an infestation of pests including mice, wasps, and spiders... 
    He's had his pigs for 10 years now, and by my calculations, the pigs have somehow put him and everyone around him (including me) behind a grand total of $45,000, and that's just the PIGS... I never once saw any reason to really have faith in it, honestly. I knew better even as a kid than my dad did in his adulthood. He should have known that he was going to just put himself in serious debt, because he builds this elaborate pen for them, feeds them (which is a pretty huge operating cost) and they only get him about $300 a piece when he sells them.  You can probably see the problem with that, considering he only sold a couple a month on a really good year... Which compares not to the amount of money he F***ING WASTED. Oh and he doesn't waste money, either. He also is FANTASTIC at wasting time, his and mine alike.
    He doesn't stop bothering me. He'll always be saying he needs to do something, but actually be doing nothing but harassing me and making stupid juvenile humor at my expense. This wastes my time because I can't work on what I need to be, and I'd probably have gotten my project stuff done at least a month sooner, if not longer. He always likes to start stupid discussions about Trump and how everyone lies about him. He's got a point, but it applies to BOTH sides. The side who hates him can't stop bashing him, and the side who will never be made to dislike him can't stop doing the opposite. And both constantly LIE for the sake of their respective agendas. This leads me to another problem I have with him: we're extremely incompatible.   
    He and I are dissimilar people to such a degree that it makes him hard to live with. I like gaming and cartoons, while he has dumb reasons for hating both. He's a farmer (a bad one as I previously stated), while I don't really care much for farm work. His political views are far right, but mine are definitely a ways to the left (problem with somebody like my dad that can't listen to the other side of anything). He stays up until the wee hours of the morning watching TV and sleeps in front of it, but I usually prefer to sleep around 10. He likes the taste everything he grows in his garden, while there are a good few things I would prefer off the menu.... You get the picture. We are in (almost) no way compatible. 
    All of this has been feeding my emotional and financial woes for a while now, and I'm getting sick of it. I really can't stay here. If I do, I'm more than likely going to kill myself. This is no threat, just an eventuality. My situation will get so bad, so hopeless, that I'll steal 40 or so Acetaminophen pills from the cabinet (that he takes for what are likely rheumatoid arthritis pains) and take them all. It would hurt other people's feelings, yes, but it would end the pain. It would end the suffering. It would end the feeling of being a burden to everyone else... It would end everything, and that would be much more preferable than dealing with this torment. 
  2. Here No Longer

    A Cry for Help

    By Here No Longer,

    I feel like I sound like a broken record complaining about how my life sucks, but here it is. It's no secret, I am miserable the way I live right now. I am miserable period. I've progressively been feeling the noose of despair tighten around my neck as I try to cut it off with the dullest razor blade imaginable (representing the little hope I have left). But I'll try to discuss more of the root of why that is (or at least the parts that involve me), hopefully in more detail than I have over and over again in thread posts. I'm really sorry if it makes me seem like I just want attention, though the truth is that I don't. I just have this constant feeling that I need to share my problems with somebody else before my deep-seeded pain takes over. Here are the major things:
     
    Anxiety

    Honestly, Anxiety is probably the worst problem and it bleeds into every other problem I'll list here. It is never ending. My anxiety problems have been around forever. I remember having anxiety attacks as a kid almost every time the phone rang. It was debilitating then, and it still is now. I still get a slight tightening in my chest, and a loss of breath. It may sound like it's improving, but it's really been getting worse over the past couple of years. I've mentioned this before, but I have mini anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis. Over something as silly and minor as a lack of light and an open window. I know it's ridiculous, and my ex-boyfriend would tell you the same when I said it was him. Truth was, it was me. Me suddenly starting to feel irrationally insecure in a house 5 minutes from the nearest town. Me on the verge of having a heart attack over an absurdly remote possibility. As I already mentioned, I've had this problem for a long time. I can't go a week without at least one episode that fits the clinical definition of an anxiety attack... This whole thing contributes I'm really worried that one day It'll get so bad I'll shove pills down my throat because I finally gave up, completely. The voices telling me there's no reason to live anymore will beat out my concern for how everyone else will feel when they learn that I overdosed on my Dad's pain pills. 
     
    Social Isolation

    Most of the time I really like being by myself. Nobody judging me, nobody annoying me, and nobody otherwise bothering me. But here's the thing... It has gone way too far. I don't talk to people, at all. I'm the one sitting in the corner not saying a word. I know that's okay, but the truth is that it only is to an extent. When you don't say something you need to say, or more specifically you don't talk to someone in real life when you need help, that can be a problem. I've become lonely in my little bubble, and it's tearing me apart. Nobody around me seems really worth bringing in. It's not only because of that idea that keeps in my head, but it's because I'm incapable of bringing people in. It's one of the reasons I've long suspected that I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, the mildest form of Autism. I'd love it if it really were as simple as "be more social", but the truth is that it isn't. If it were, than I'd have fixed this problem already. I've tried talking to people more, but the thing is that what comes out of my mouth isn't precisely what should, and that I find anxiety rearing its ugly head and rendering me unable to speak to anyone. The loneliness is also an issue, as well. Having a boyfriend would likely help these issues, but how can I expect to have one, when I can't talk to him? I know that it was a part of the problem with my relationship with my ex, and it's an issue that cripples every relationship that I've ever had...
     
    Laziness
     

     
    It's true, I'm chronically lazy. I know that if I said I graduated high school with a 94.3 average it would make it sound like that isn't the case, but the only reason it wasn't at least a 96 was because I got zeroes, because I was too lazy to think to turn in my work and too lazy to properly organize my backpack. This laziness has spread into other endeavors. This is a great part of why my life's been stuck in a rut since I graduated High School in 2016. I haven't acquired a job yet, I've taken years to develop a single, flawed game that is still in fairly early development, and I've done nothing to show for myself. Every time I attempt to do something, I get burnt out and my passion for it completely goes away, leaving me a husk with no real aspiration. All I do these days any more is watch TV and create pointless Paladins tier lists that I will never post, along with the game I've been working on (for maybe an hour a day). Heck, this idea was taken from a blog post that @Woohoo made in February... 
     

     
    The whole list of my issues is really long, and includes but is not limited to:
    s*** memory when it comes to most things emotional outbursts a painfully obvious lack of self-esteem a reliance on the Internet zero people skills, or others really  no dexterity whatsoever hearing things that aren't real suicidal thoughts, and occasionally actions  
    So, yeah sorry for copying somebody else's blog post topic for the second time, sorry for being overbearing, and sorry for wasting everyone else's time and effort trying to keep me afloat. I feel like I need to apologize for far more than that, and honestly I don't know what to apologize for and it makes me feel even worse about myself. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub indeed.
     
  3. Here No Longer

    Thoughts on 2017

    By Here No Longer,

    Sorry, @Adam Burt for completely stealing this idea from you.
     
    I'll start with the few positives.
     
    POSITIVES
    My experiences with Paladins in general.  It was actually a really good game until Hi-Rez killed it by making change after change that was unnecessary and backwards, through caving into the wants of their upper management. I played this game for months, and actually became one of the Top 100 Barik players (Based on KDA and Win Rate) in the world in that small span of time that I borderline one-tricked him.  The game had quite a few sour moments with me, but for the most part it was actually positive. Introductions to Steven Universe, Star VS the Forces of Evil, and We Bare Bears. All of them are among my favorite cartoons of all time, all for their own reasons. Probably the best of the year. All three series in my opinion are very solid (though from what I've watched SvFE's 3rd season isn't looking too good...). My marathon of Star Trek. I already had an admiration for the franchise before I really got into it around the beginning of last year,  but it was heightened. Quite frankly, most of the franchise is pretty solid with a few hiccups (including the entirety of Deep Space Nine... Luckily I only watched the "best" of that series)... I became a lot less naive about politics, and began to realize how despicable 99% of politicians really are. I realized how bad mainstream politics really is. I even found political voices of reason... on YOUTUBE of all places. Some actually good LoL changes for once (aside from Zoe, Ornn, Kleptomancy keystone)...  
    NEGATIVES
    The rapid deterioration of my computer's condition. It really got beat up this year. It's so bad in fact I'm actually using my dad's computer instead. Before the beginning of this year, it ran so smoothly... Now it's basically potentially salvageable junk.  Politics as usual, but even worse. Removing my ignorance came at a cost, I know. I realized how bad the political system of the United States has gotten over the past 50 years, but 2017 was worse than average. We have an incompetent man child with tiny hands in the White House (to be fair, Hillary would be no better), Net Neutrality is going away (even though only 9% of Americans actually AGREE with that, and I bet I know who they are), and not to mention the absolute absurdity of the Democratic Party's "resistance" (yeah right, it's not a resistance, you're literally voting FOR what he proposes most of the time...). Doesn't help with all of the mass shootings this year, bombings on innocent civilians, the worst military leak in US history... Losing my old account on here because of sheer laziness. The basically zero progress I made towards getting anywhere with my life. I've had to put up with so much s**t last year, it'd be enough for an entire DECADE. Seriously, I got attacked by an ENTIRE subreddit, a forum account (and my IP address also) perma-banned by an fascist Brazilian mod for literally no reason aside from the fact he didn't like what I had to say about things involving Paladins and his method of moderating,  and having moronic teammates who I could swear were 2-year olds in half of my Paladins and League of Legends matches, the insane number of special snowflakes that suddenly presented themselves... That's just about the worst of it, but I could probably sit for days listing all of the stupidity I've had to endure even like that. Tried to commit suicide twice, because my situation got more hopeless by the month it seems like. RIP Big Ben. See you again in 4 years. Though it was a  pretty nice meme for a little bit. Dealing with more of my Dad's inane drama than usual. To be quite frank I wish I didn't live here now. All of the special snowflakes  
    In other words, it was, overall, a bad year for me. In fact, the worst I've ever had.
     
  4. Here No Longer
    Smash Ultimate Tier List (based on watching pro players and streams) 6.0.0
     
     
    Top Tier: Joker, Palutena, Peach/Daisy, Pikachu, Inkling, Pokemon Trainer, Snake
    High Tier: Terry (Potentially even stronger than Joker), Lucina, Fox, Shulk, Wolf, Wario, Zero Suit Samus, Olimar, Mario, ROB, Chrom, Roy
     Upper Mid Tier: Greninja, Pichu, Mr. Game and Watch, Ness, Jigglypuff (Just watch GimR's video on it), Bowser, Banjo and Kazooie, Yoshi, Ike, Ice Climbers
    Mid Tier: Luigi, Wii Fit Trainer, Marth, Mega Man, Ken, Dark Samus, Young Link, Ryu, Link, Lucas, Mii Gunner, Sheik, Toon Link, Donkey Kong (Hallelujah am I right)
    Lower Mid Tier: Captain Falcon, Cloud, Kirby (Wow!), Simon/Richter, King Dedede, Falco, Duck Hunt, Ridley, Robin (A slight but welcome difference), Meta Knight, Villager, King K. Rool (Nice Buffs), Sonic, Mewtwo
    Low Tier: Zelda, Piranha Plant, Isabelle, Diddy Kong, Rosalina, Pit, Corrin, Lucario, Bayonetta, Ganondorf, Dark Pit, Mii Swordfighter, Dr. Mario
    Bottom Tier: Incineroar (The buffs were actually nerfs... One time M2K makes perfect sense), Bowser Jr., Mii Brawler, Little Mac
    F*** Off Tier: Hero (Seriously, I hate everything this character stands for. But he's probably around where Simon and Richter are right now IMHO)
     
    Italics- New characters
    Bold- Buffs/Nerfs
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