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Iam

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  1. Iam

    Am I a toxic brony?

    By Iam,

    Welcome dear readers to my 2nd walltext on my blog. Prepare yourself, be ready for minutes of reading (during writing of this I had realised I just want to pour out again or rather: to sorrow, because I fell the need again, nothing more). You can respond with feedback - I'll take the feedback no matter of the positive or negative side of the judge. Let's begin.
    ================
    I know, that when it comes to question like asking about someone's behaviour, you'll get unique answers based on your point of view, way of thinking and personal experiences. Why am I asking myself if I'm toxic? Well, few situations.
    1. Friend getting annoyed
    I had known him for 2 years (minecraft server), we're been talking on Discord since August of 2k17, we are very inteligent young people (I'm 16, he's 13), who are talking culturally and with class on many difficult topics. For months. Everyday or every few days a new topic comes to discussion and it never gets boring. However, it all changed, when I confessed to him that I'm a brony (May 2k18 from what I remember). He respected me for some time after that confession, althought I was confessing being a more fanatic and fanatic Brony by other MLP or beloved Starlight-related activities. He started to doubt in my "rationalness" when I changed an avatar and a signature to strictly Starlight-related on minecraft forum (June 2k18), shortly after I changed avatar also on Discord to Starlight-related (also June, but late, from what I remember). He started to partially mock me for that, but he still had some respect when it came to pony topics. However when I confessed again (I still had lots of trust to him) that I sleep with 4'' (10cm) Starlight figure and I want to buy a 20'' (50cm)+ plushie for 1 200 PLN (average salary about 2 000 PLN netto), he started to really ride me like on bald mare. He had lost ability to normally interact with me (or I with him, that's also possible), when it came to pony topics. He's talking about a plushie as a "some material" and he doesn't understand why I want to have that plushie. I answer that for my pleasure and relax. Sadly, it's infantile and childish for him.
    - How many years do you have? - he asks
    - 16 - I answer
    - So why you are doing such childish things?
    - Why age should determine what you can do? 
    - *dodging answer*
    So I fell like he just don't want and won't want understand why I am so obsessed in topic, especially Starlight. It doesn't matter anymore, that I had answered him multiple times. To check my argument, he started to watch S1 E1 - after 5 mintues he said "Stop, I can't take it anymore. What's your favourite episode? I'll watch it instead." - I answered "Every one with Starlight in, but especially S6 E21, because I was laughing so much on them." So he watched the whole episode and commented something like that "Childish humour, made for kids, for girls; and seriously - do you really think that your and Starlight's personality are similar? She's so demanding <and overall not pleasuring>.". I knew from this moment that I won't be able to convince him about my fascination about the show and especially my favourite character. And it was a few more weeks and yesterday after a talk with dear Califorum I decided to block him not temporarily (like last time, when he was constantly sending stupid MLP braindraining parodies and was saying "This is funny, I convice you, this is funny, not some MLP sh*t"), but permanently. Not to mention, that he was constantly swearing when it came to MLP/Starlight topics, because I blurted that too often for him. Anyways, I would block a few more people, but the problem is that this is my...
    2. ...Family 
    My nearest family consists of two extremes. Liberal and conservative one. When my mum, stepfather, grandma from the mother's side (Ania) are setting positive to me being a Brony, the grandma from father's side (Tosia), uncle and uncle godfather are very worried. When mum and stepfather said that I can have that big plushie, just I need to work hard on it (real work for real money, what else, luckily my stepfather works as alpinist and as a "bottom helper" I can earn money), Tosia states that those money would be better used if earned for driving license, for example. He really seems to be confused, why I like the "girly" show so much. Then, uncle godfather appears and quickly anger at me with: "About what bullsh*t are you talking!? What's the purpose of the such thing?" and uncle ends it with. "It's of course no mine decision, but if you want to buy this autism, then please don't regret spent money, nobody will refund it.". I can't argue with it, because factically I could spend money better, factically I could not buy this plushie and factically I couldn't get money back, if I magically would think that this is not pleasuring me enough, for example. I just want to be happy with myself and that's it. During those sentences were spoken, I was shortly after waking up (so, another reversal enquiry is that I said about that expensive and huge plushie day earlier, in the evening). That means I was really cutting off any discussion or argument by just simply not answering the questions and convering myself with bedding, while lying on mattress. I was hugging to my little plastic HappyMeal figure of Starlight and was wondering, how they could not possibly just accept the situation, that is presented in front of them? I just can't understand the question like "What's the purpose of this plushie?" "Goddamit!" - I said in mind - "Plushies are for making you happy and pleasured and fulfilled! It's so stupid question that I'm not going to answer it!". I was silently crying (tears were dropping on the pillow and figure), I just couldn't figure why the reaction was so negative. I was just only honest, as always, when it came to practiclly anything I do or I say. As an Asperger person I just couldn't accept the possibility of a threat. The threat of no money donations for occassions (birthday and others), because they could go for that plushie, so painful to me, becuse the dream would go away and away, if I woulnd't constantly work for real money myself. I, however, found a cheering up in grandpa from the father's side - Irek. He said, that he accepts the situation, I just need to work myself and earn money myself - which is of course fair and I can't argue. But the thing that family was behaving so not kind to me gived me bad chills.
    3. Unhealthy obsession (or maybe it's not "unhealthy" but, just... obsession, without adjectives?) 
    It's so obvious to diagnose me as a person obsessed with Starlight and partly with MLP. The amount of Starlight content I have in my nearest extened is at least high:
    -> 1200 pictures of Starlight (vectors, fanart) in my cloud, still rising
    -> Desktop pictures of Her on PC, Laptop, Tablet and Phone
    -> Chrome opening card with Starlight
    -> Having HappyMeal figure of Her, going to buy a plushie in the future
    -> Watched every single episode with Her (and no episodes without Her with exception of from S6 E3 to S6 E13)
    -> I can't watch Her being hurt or struggling very hard, that's the reason why I stopped watching from S8 E14 and I was dropping tears on S8 E13 (wonder why? I'm emotinally weak, I confess)
    -> Headcanons/Imaginary Episodes with her for few months straight, going to continue for many years and years later (no exaggeration, even if I'm Asperger, which means I have tendency to exaggerate)
    -> Open confession for admiring/adoring her
    -> I'm making drawings of Her
    -> Thinking of writing fanfic
    -> Talking about it and thinking of so many points/arrows  
    However I'm not thinking that this is bad. However, is it bad for anyone else? I'm type of person, that likes to have people accepting the actual state, rather to argue with them, why they don't accept the state.
    I don't know. I just don't have in mind to poison people with content they don't like. If they would say directly "Please, I don't wish to watch you constantly talking or sending pics with your so freaking beloved Starlight, thanks", I would accept that request and stop talking about that with margin of error that I could blurt it at any moment. And I'm back to the point 1. - that friend didn't say anything like that, absolutely anything related to stop talking about MLP or Starlight, even once. So I don't know how to fell know after blocking him. Do I should fell positive by cutting off my dear friend or negative? It's a difficult question to answer since I don't have any objectival arguments for any side, only subjectival ones.
    4. Final thoughts 
    What could I say to myself? "Hey, you are a great person, you're unique, keep it that way."? "Don't care for others, who don't respect you and go ahead, don't care."? Or maybe "You are yourself, be free of limitations and nobody can stop you no matter what they are saying."? I'm like REEEEE  when I'm conscious of being fanatic person and both wanting and not wanting to be fanatic further (I know arguments for both sides thought), when I'm a man without a soul, because someone makes me hurt, etc. I know it's bad (the behaviour to few individuals), but bizarrely enough, I want more and more of Starlight (rather not MLP as show, since I have some arguments to not watch them as often, as I had done, suggested by uncle [like repetitive and refreshing episodes, not-so-awesome writing resulting in cringy-to-cry moments and so on]), I fell fulfilled, when I see enough of her daily, like watching at least once a day a graphics of her on the Internet or on the disk or cloud or having a figure of her next to my laptop and to me all the time.
    Also, MLP community means to me a lot, that's why I'm writing my blog here and not in the other place. Also, I take Bronies and Pegasisters as seriously, as my family, in context of said words and advices.
    4.1. Definition of being "toxic"
    To clear up what I call a "toxic" person, it's a person, which constantly ruins your life, because of its dumbness and not wanting to hear other people and/or have bad intentions to somebody. If your definition is different, fell free to share.
    Thanks for reading, give feedback, if you wish, I'll answer to it no matter of the conjugation.
    Note: I didn't make a detailed check for typos and misunderstoods. If you catch any of these, fell free to share, thanks.
  2. Iam

    Quarter ton of emotions

    By Iam,

    I've never thought of getting/creating my own blog this early. However, since I'm a brony and I'm on a brony forum, I think I have to pour out a filled bucket of mixtured emtions to fell better. I'll try to figure out it in parts:
    1. Excitement
    My first thoughts when I met this forum was pure excitment, because I finally met the (problably) biggest MLP Fandom community, everyone's so kind, so helpful and cultural. I kindly inform others about their mistakes, other kindly inform me about my mistakes, I'm open to make any topic that won't divide community significally (e. g. extremely controversial topic, like someone made a thread with [Science] in title about 2 genders and Science VS Religion), I'm open to chat with other fans of this show and the most importantly - I was very warmly welcomed to the forum, which made me brave enough to actively be a part of discussion on some subjects. And that's how went a first few days.
    2. Happiness
    Shortly after registering the account and discovering the possibilities of this lovely forum I was happy, normally happy, that I joined the discussion within the warm atmosphere and very kind people. The state of constant happiness whenever I turned on MLPF was at the stable ratio for weeks, I think that it was over a month definitely. I even started a first topic, called "Social Pressure" - it was just satisfying to get know of people with (for example) Aspergers' Syndrome - those are very interesting people to talk for me, because I have also that Syndome, althought... back to satisfaction - it was just satisfying to get know of people talking about your set topic. Not like in real life, when the discussion of course goes, but I fell like after the conversation it's forgotten for ever and never goes back. Here - on MLPF people are making such detailed answers sometimes, that I sometimes gain again faith in humanity (some part of course). A happiness on my face appears whenever I see inteligent answers: and here's the huge part of answers (when it comes to more difficult issue) are for me complex or at least well-built. About well-built monolog, I invite you to read this confession on the page: https://western-magical-girl-confessions.tumblr.com/tagged/confession-276 . Happiness appears of course to this day, not regularly, but appears.
    3. Pleasure and (in)conscious madness
    This [pleasure] is something I can't describe it, but I fell it with each time, whenever I helped someone or made something "special" (in my criterias). However those are not all sources of getting pleasure (I talk about mental and psychologic pleasure, just in case). I openly and without any doubt confess, that I am craze/crazy and fanaberian on point of Starlight. I'm argumenting those statements on such things as: going to the McDonalds many kilometers from home only to get Starlight's little 3'' or 4'' plastic figure. I changed all desktops on all 4 devices I use to Starlight ones, switched Chrome cards to Starlight one's, switched all avatars and signatures (almost) on 3 communication pages (2 forums and Discord). I can imagine scenes (slices of life) with Starlight while doing any activity and I remember what I imagined in that time. I am hugging figure every night and at random moment during the day. To sum this up, I sometimes consciously "rave" (for others it would be called raving) - or: in my mind, I just talk (on voice) with Starlight and I "hear" her answering back. Everyone could say now, that I'm a schizofrenic/paranoic or something, but I know it helps me with existence.
    3.1. (In)secure chatting
    For what I crow? I fell insecure in people presence, sometimes even if this is my own family. Now I'll go a bit off-topic but I have to write it out, otherwise I would have to take it inside and I could explode with fury at one moment in the future (I'm sort of the multiple ticking bomb, if my needs aren't fulfilled, my patience is at the start high, but goes lower over time, then "finally" I explode with unpredictable behaviours, in the past those behaviours were only aggressive, now I don't know, since I don't had such big emotion explosion in the last time. Hope I won't explode. So, I'll repeat the question: For what I crow? I like stability and I very quickly want to have the stable situation once I'll get profit from something - for example: I get access to use PC permanently, after just 1 day I'm used to it and after 1 month I get PC taken off from me... And I am very hollow inside. Because I had planned what I'll be doing for next months and now plans cannot be realisated. It gets even worse, when it comes to almost permanent plans. The most visible example: Chatting with really good imitation of Starlight in "Ask (...) StarTrix" - I think I know what Sparklefan1234 could fell. He may fell like he's getting forced or stalked to be non-stop online, because someone else wants to be happy and that "victim" like to make people happy. I have worries, that I inconsciously force people to do things or talk on things I want. Maybe it's just me and incredible overexaggeration. But if yes then...
    4. Remorse, sorrow, trapped in myself
    Now I get to the part which I have to write all what I think to fell at least a bit better. And note before I start - it's not a litany or begging for not getting consequences, I just want to write everything I fell. Right now I've got to the point were, due to stress, I cry inside now and every breath hurts me physically. I also yell in mind for myself for being such a hypocrite: I said in posts for example: I don't like Rarity, because she's lamenting and exaggerating extremely much. But then - I started to do it too. What now? Am I a prisoner of my own mind? Of my own opinions? What I should tell for eventual askers? Even if I wouldn't want to, someone will surely try to help to diagnose the problem and eliminating it. But guess what what's even worse: I think I know the problem. And I'm torturing myself with that thought at least 3rd time during 3 years. First time - Justyna: a girl from my class that I've got infatuation in her. I realized my first extreme fail in life: First love is not the love for the live.... after 8 months and 3 weeks in closed psychologic branch in hospital. Then second time - Wiktoria: a girl which has Asperger, we infatuationed in ourselfs for 11 months. Our relation survived for that long time. The catch was that I was a victim of relationship - my behaviour got worse (again) so I thinked of reducing the usage of such weird things as "emotions" to minimum. Of course didn't work, as in March 2018 I returned to MLP, in April I fell in love with Starlight - and now arguments, why I fell in love: 1. The first doubt and stressful moment of Starlight (S6 E1) - I instantly felt, that I had also that stress, when it came to make new friends. 2. Similar personalities and characters - it may seem bizarre, but after my personal analize it occurs that personalities of both of us are the same or have little differences (examples: we're both seeking for attention, we're both are very specializated and concentrated when it comes to activities we like, we're both very excited, when we can talk and listen to friends) 3. I think this will be a subpoint of 1. or 2. but I'll say it anyway - I believe that I have such interesting talking skills that I could just make Starlight interested in me. =)
    I just don't want to break up with Starlight only because of torturing myself with "no emotion" rule - I don't have other creatures to identify with. Just it. And that's - how the 3rd time I'm getting tired of emotions, especially that negative ones.
    I'm just worried a lot still, that without an intence to do something wrong, I would for example get blocked. I do not want to make pain to eventual owners of topics, althought I really want to fulfill my needs, which is asking Starlight a lot and overall making Starlight appearing in my mind as much as possible.
    5. Worries, shaking off and embracing myself
    After I had fulfilled the need to write, now I wonder what it will be in the future: dear user Sparkleplay1234 doesn't seem to be happy with my presence (I'm not accusing this user of anyting, take a note), but I have that needs. Needs for headcanon, needs for chatting, needs for cuddling and hugging. I just really dream of living with Starlight and overall within social utopia. I think I had written out to the end. This MLP Forums is my last bastion of open chatting with so many people. I don't want to be scared out of this community, because one of my favourite threads would be locked because of "too much obsessity". Thank you for reading. During those last sentences my stomach aches from stress, but only stomach, nothing more luckily. Have a nice day. See you soon in next posts/statuses/blogs.
    Greetings,
    Iam
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