EtchASketch

I don't want to post this in any topics, maybe less people will see this that way. I don't want to upset anyone with this rant. So uh, maybe don't read and just ignore this. Yeah.

I'm sorry in advance for all of the negativity. It's not something I want to spread, but I'm getting too used to bottling things up again and I'd like to write out how I feel

I've been keeping some things in, and it's been slowly taking over my mind. "Mother" has been continuously yelling at me for the past few days. She will absolutely always find something to get upset at me about. A few days ago, she lost it because I was still experiencing these symptoms. (Persistent fatigue, weakness, low appetite.) "Get it together, school is starting soon." What...what does that mean? "You were fine before and now you're feeling like this right before school!" You described what occurred not too long ago. "School is starting whether you like it or not, and you're not skipping it." Correct. I never claimed I would skip. I love school, actually. Sure, I had my anxiety, and still do, but that happens every school year. That's nothing new. I'm not trying to skip anything. (Trust, I would much rather be there than here. I am running to that bus stop. She's been yelling at me this entire break.) I didn't..cause whatever is going on...I can't just flip a switch and then everything is better. I'm not coming to her for answers about it. She broke down at the hospital telling the doctors that I needed to tell people when I wasn't okay so that they could help or at least knew about it so it wasn't a surprise. I felt really bad, so I did that and told her some days later my symptoms weren't getting better. "Mother" screamed at me talking about how overwhelmed she was and basically that I should "stop" whatever this is. "What're you going to do for school?!" Go...I'm genuinely sorry you're overwhelmed, but I didn't know any of this would happen. Yes, it's my fault for being ill. I'm not sure how. It just is. My sister was at work that day, so she had no knowledge of that shouting incident.

"Mother" proceeded to scream at me for the next few days. Today was the worst. It happened...four or five times today. For not getting better again. For not being able to help out much because of that even though she told me to just rest. For..having no appetite. ("Girl, you need to eat! You gotta eat at school!" That wasn't out of care, she just sounded so mad.) For starting to help out a little more with chores again. Finally, after dinner, more shouting. Shouting at me for drying the dishes. The time I tried to aid in the chores some more and all she did was get angry with me. I just cried afterwards. My sister has been telling me to not take it personally. I wish I could be like her, only letting it all affect her on the surface. But it gets to me so easily. “Hurting someone’s feelings is as easy as throwing a rock into the ocean, but you don’t know how deep the rock goes.”

Fourteen years of just suffering from this lady. Time like this takes a heavy toll. I cannot even consider her my mother anymore. She's a complete stranger to me. I've cried almost every other day. She treats everyone with such disrespect and is so inconsiderate, it's unbelievable. I've never known anyone else to be this way...so hateful. I truly did try to talk to her about how she makes me feel when she does this. She says she'll try to be better. I never saw any actual aspiration in her bettering herself. I gave her so many chances, I've lost count. If it really was a mistake, how come you keep doing it? You show no remorse for anything. No apologies and no sincerity in the ones she does give...she's just unreasonable. I'm serious, I talked to her one time and all she did was roll her eyes and downplay how I felt. No matter how much I speak, there's no guarantee it's going to be heard. I think this is the person she wants to be. She never wanted us and it shows because she treated us like burdens. Every claim she made of loving us...I see now it was untrue. All of it. I'm so tired.

I'm not angry when I write all of this, simply deeply hurt and exhausted. Anger is something I lost years ago. Waow, I feel a bit lighter now writing it out rather than keeping it all in. I still need to heal, so I'm so sorry if I can't exactly be the same, happy Stellar as before! I'll try to be as positive as possibly possible from now on, I swear!