Brave Fleet

Hello Brave Dash,

While I do think you have an interesting character here, I am afraid that her physical design is just not supported by the show’s canon. Ponies with wings even slightly larger than average are rare (and seen almost exclusively in alicorns), so a pony with such enormous wings as these seems impossible within the context of the show. If you wish to use this character in this section, she will have to be without her exceptionally enormous wingspan, though I will also understand if you are not interested in using this character in this section without them.

If you do still wish to use this character, her application will have to be expanded upon quite a bit. The personality section for OCs in this section must be at least two paragraphs in length, while the backstory must be at least three. I think it would benefit you to take a closer look at the rules for OCs in Equestrian Empire if you are to continue working on this character.

I'd also like to add this:

Your OC is also not a genderbent or carbon copy version of an existing canon character, nor its personality mirror image under different coat and mane color.

Basically, we already have a tomboy-ish fast flying pony with the name Dash. This should be your OC, not a copy of a character that already exists.

I'd also like to add this:Basically, we already have a tomboy-ish fast flying pony with the name Dash. This should be your OC, not a copy of a character that already exists.

Firstly, She doesn't have the same personality as rd at all, secondly, she doesn't look like rd and is in no way a copy, her personality is based off mine, as well as her special talent being based off of the fact I'm a fast runner.

Nothing against rainbow dash, but I would have made her a copy of I actually liked rainbow dash, just sayin'

Then it appears we are at an impasse. As this character stands currently, she is ineligible to be approved for this section.

@@Eloquence

I updated her personality and expanded her backstory

Also, If it really means not getting accepted, I could roleplay with her wings in the smaller form, and never use any of the other kinds of her wingspan, I just cannot stand the canon wings >.< I think I may have studied too much on flight and aerodynamics (basically, unusually small wings on an animal is my pet peeve)

If your okay with her wings being in the humming bird size (seen in refrence picture) and look like that without the talon, that's cool, because hummingbirds are cool. If her appearance with shoulder talons (another thing for her aerodynamic body shape) is too intimidatimg, I guess I could remove those, but it would be hard for me, then again it's just a roleplay and I'm not really changing her at all. If you want me to remove tail feathers, it would be really hard, because she wouldn't be unique to me anymore, and I just wouldn't like it But I would understand if you don't like her with the smallest folding of her wings, and keeping the tail feathers, because its not canon.

The trouble with the wings and tail for her is that we've seen such consistency throughout the pegasus race on the show that any deviation from it seems out of place. If you wouldn't mind a suggestion though, I have an idea that might suit your character very well.

While pegasi have relatively little deviation in their designs, the griffons have been shown to be an extremely diverse species. Just from what we've seen on the show I would say that a griffon could be a mixture of any bird with any cat. If you want unique wings, you could have no better choice of species. I realize that this would mean a major overhaul for Brave, or maybe a new OC all together, but listening to what you want in a design for your OC it seems like a perfect fit to me.

@@Eloquence

Well... hmm... If she became a griffon... It could actually work out, because I originally based her off the peregrine falcon, so I could work with that. I'll have to draw another picture

You wouldn't have to draw a new picture. Only pony OCs require pictures. You can do the approval first and add a picture later, if you feel so inclined.

@ I actually have been thinking about the canon rule, and I have decided I will change her to look canon. Only because I can pretend she looks like her original self while she looks like a normal pegasus.

Brave is definitely looking better. Now that her most notable issues are dealt with, I can give her a full and proper review. I noticed quite a few small issues to be dealt with, so I will provide you with a bullet list of them (in order of appearance).

• When describing your character’s flight, exact speeds should not be used. We have no idea how fast the average pegasus can fly, so we have no reference point to say what’s “normal” for them.

• Considering we have never heard horoscopes being discussed on the show, and many of us don’t know what a “Gemini personality” is anyways, it would be best to leave that part out.

• Brave not being able to read a “traditional clock” would be very unusual, as most if not all clocks in Equestria are traditional clocks, given that Equestria is a bit behind us technologically speaking.

• The word “redneck” would not exist in Equestria. That term originated as a way to refer to people whose necks became sunburned from working outdoors (and were therefore red), and a sunburn would not exactly be able to show through the fur of a pony

• In the dislikes section you mention “Rainbow Dash and the many recolors”. First, having your character dislike Rainbow suggests familiarity with her, and your OC cannot have met any cast characters prior to roleplaying interactions with them in this section. Second, referring to “recolors” is “breaking the fourth wall”, so to speak, and that should not be done in your application.

• Your pony not being able to walk on clouds isn’t explained and doesn’t make very much sense. A physical disability would be one thing but a pony born without an innate magical ability seems very improbable.

• Brave watching a bird fall to its death seems oddly detached from the idea of trying to fly like a bird, like the idea seems unrelated to the event that led to it (except that there happened to be other birds around at the time). This makes your cutie mark story seem disjointed, and like the detail of the bird dying is irrelevant.

• Mentioning “evil tax ponies” seems a bit at odds with the generous and caring nature of Equestrian society. I would imagine that something like taxes exist, but I don’t think Brave would have the same fear of being driven from her home by tax collectors that someone living in the real world might.

In addition to these points, you should also consider the point brought up by Matron. While your character does have distinctions that make her unique, her special talent, cutie mark, name, and some aspects of her personality do bring to mind a certain Rainbow-maned pegasus. That’s not to say your character can’t be a fast flyer, or can’t have lightning bolts on her flank, or can’t have the word “Dash” in her name, but having all of these at once does take away from your pony’s identity as a unique character, and if you were willing to alter one or two of these things, it would allow her to stand out and avoid comparisons that I don’t think you want for her.

@@Eloquence

I fixed most of them, let me know if any other things need to be changed, I did add a reason for her cloud disability, her name, some things in her personality, and some stuff in her backstory I didn't like, but her speed is the same because it's pretty well-fit to me, somehow considering the rainbow pony can do a sonic boom with rainbows, and a normal pegasus flying at 13 mph, it's a decent speed for a pegasus making sharp turns x)

I changed stuff in the likes and dislikes section, and that's about it.

Once again, Brave looks much improved. There are still a few things to fix though, including a couple of things I mentioned in my last review of her. Once again, I’ll bullet the things I noticed

• I see that the exact speeds in MPH are still present, and although they may seem right to you, I still must ask that they be removed. I also don’t know where you got an exact average speed for pegasus flight from, if you could source that I would have much better grounds to consider the use of exact speeds.

• The bit about “traditional clocks” is also still present. I do think it’s fine that your pony has trouble telling time, but what we call a “traditional clock” here would just be a clock in Equestria, since they don’t have digital clocks (or if they do they’re very rare).

• Having a suit that reduces G-force (or at least having it worded that way) seems a bit advanced for Equestria, since ponies may very well not even know what G-force is. The suit should be described differently, though I do like that you’ve added a suit for her

• Where you removed the sentence about her being a bit of a redneck, the sentence that follows no longer makes sense, since it talks about her “talking like one” without any indication of what “one” refers to.

• While I can accept this explanation for her inability to walk on clouds, it could still use some polish. The part that says that “she was born with this disability” should be removed, since it later goes on to say that the accident that disabled her happened after she was born, and the explanation should be fleshed out a bit to answer some of the questions it raises, such as what the unicorn was attempting to accomplish in the first place.

We’re definitely getting close with Brave, and I’m happy to see how she’s turning out

@@Eloquence

Would it be okay to translate the mph to wing power? That seems to be the thing they use to measure flight velocity in equestria.

@@Eloquence

 

Would it be okay to translate the mph to wing power? That seems to be the thing they use to measure flight velocity in equestria.

After some discussion with the rest of the RP staff, I'm going to have to say no, and that no exact measurements should be used. Talking to them also brought a couple of other points to my attention, things that should be altered a bit in your application. Firstly, the exact terms for ADHD and Discalculia should be kept in the other section, as we do not know what kind of knowledge ponies have of mental health. Second, the personality section seems contradictory at times, most notably in that one paragraph talks about how Brave will always try to make other ponies feel better, while the next says that she will sometimes intentionally try to make them angry.

I also looked over some of your edits, and one of them seems odd to me. I'm glad that you put in the spell that went wrong to give Brave her disability, but the one you chose doesn't make very much sense in context. I can't imagine parents allowing that kind of magic to be tried out on their foal, nor do I know why it would be attempted in the first place. You may want to consider whether Brave's inability to walk on clouds is a trait worth having, as I imagine it will be rather difficult to explain.

@@Eloquence

Hopefully I fixed everything

It does look like most of what I made note of has been fixed, but I do see just a couple of places where they aren't. There is still a use of exact miles per hour in the appearance section that appears to have gone unnoticed, as well as a mention and measure of G-force. The wing beats per minute detailed in the "other" section do also count as exact measurements, and are also disallowed. The mention of discalculia in the personality section is also still present, and also needs to be removed. These should all be very easy to take care of though

@@Eloquence alright, though that was actually hard to find, I think I got it all. Finding all the minor details is difficult, like a needle in a hay stack

@@Brave Fleet, Great! I'll give her another look as soon as you're ready and have marked her as not being a Work in Progress  

@@Eloquence alright, feel free to read her over

Hiya!  I've been working with Eloquence, and I've made a few notes on things here.  An airshow pony sounds like a lot of fun, and Brave here seems like a heckuva showpony!  A few things, though, before she starts winging her way across the RP boards:

1: The enchanted suit is a NO, though you can have a specially tailored non-magical suit for just such a thing.  Oh, and the color trail is fine and dandy!

2: Mood swings are okay, but hitting is not.  The attitude that goes with the swings is okay, though.

3: I'm curious as to why she couldn't fly when she was a filly; even if it's just a simple answer, it needs to be listed in there somewhere.

4: The Wonderbolt reference is okay, but no specific characters; just keep in mind it will have to be a generic Wonderbolt - meeting Spitfire would be an RP goal (and a cool one, too).  No need to actually change anything about it here - just making certain it's understood!

5: You state she has a normal pony build, then say she's aerodynamically built - one or the other, my friend... not both.  A little clarification is all you'd need here.

Hopefully, this will help to get Brave here finished up & posting in RP soon!

 

Hiya!  I've been working with Eloquence, and I've made a few notes on things here.  An airshow pony sounds like a lot of fun, and Brave here seems like a heckuva showpony!  A few things, though, before she starts winging her way across the RP boards:

 

1: The enchanted suit is a NO, though you can have a specially tailored non-magical suit for just such a thing.  Oh, and the color trail is fine and dandy!

 

2: Mood swings are okay, but hitting is not.  The attitude that goes with the swings is okay, though.

 

3: I'm curious as to why she couldn't fly when she was a filly; even if it's just a simple answer, it needs to be listed in there somewhere.

 

4: The Wonderbolt reference is okay, but no specific characters; just keep in mind it will have to be a generic Wonderbolt - meeting Spitfire would be an RP goal (and a cool one, too).  No need to actually change anything about it here - just making certain it's understood!

 

5: You state she has a normal pony build, then say she's aerodynamically built - one or the other, my friend... not both.  A little clarification is all you'd need here.

 

Hopefully, this will help to get Brave here finished up & posting in RP soon!

 

hope she is good to go now!

From what I'm seeing here, you caught EVERYTHING we pointed out, and that makes Luna happy.

I am pleased to tell you that I am going to confidently move Brave Fleet to the list awaiting Second Approval.

Brave looks good to me too! There's just one thing I noticed, the bit where it says "though they grew to be the average size a few days before she got her cutie mark". This is just kind of oddly worded, making it sound like her wings just sprouted up overnight. Fix this up and you'll be all set, though I would also point out that stating her job in the "other" section is redundant and unnecessary, since we already know that information from the backstory.

@@Eloquence whew, fixed it!

@@Eloquence whew, fixed it!

Thank you. I will place Brave back in second approval now that those small issues are resolved