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Lumi


Leavemealone
  • No Not Cast Adult

    Lumi is a Unicorn with silvery-grey fur. His fur blends noticeably with the amount of light present; pitch black accents in darkness, and gleaming silver streaks in the sun. His fur seems to react to even the slightest amount of light, and direct sunlight makes him almost blinding. His mane is long and is dark grey. It gets brighter in bright light. It is usually messy and it looks like he just got out of bed, sometimes even in the middle of the day. He is not fat, nor is he super muscular, but he has a respectable build. His horn is the same color as his coat. His eyes are a bright, brilliant blue. His tail is about proportional length to his mane and the same color too, and is often as messy as his mane is. 

    Male Unicorn His cutie mark is a black knight chess piece crossed over a white knight chess piece.

    Lumi loves sharing time with other ponies and enjoys good conversations. He is generally pretty upbeat and happy, but he falls at the extreme end of the “smart” spectrum. This causes him to fall into a group of friends who don’t find him annoying, but instead funny.

    He’s super good at chess, and he will happily play anypony, anytime, anywhere. However, the other ponies have gotten upset with him, due to his amazing skill at the game - they tend to believe he’s simply showing off, when the truth is more than he is just talented at it. He’d really rather have their company than simply another opponent to play. He will accept any challenge with good spirit, but he does not know how to react to a loss, he is worried that he may loose a friendship.

    He loves to read, and will spend hours bordering on days reading at the library just for fun, to master a new spell, or research for something else. He absolutely adores books of all sorts - romance, comedy, science fiction, fantasy, or any genre you can think of. One of his dreams is to start a book delivery system to deliver books to places that can’t afford them. He supports the usage of revolutionalry books more than traditional books in schools - specifically books that address issues that are otherwise unaddressed. He is also a budding author and has written multiple books on the folklore beliefs of the residents of Luna Bay, as well as multiple fantasy novels and a few fables and stories. 

    He hopes he has many accomplishments that he is known for and he studies hard on his magic in the hope that he can be a successful mage. Magic is a very big part of him. He has almost a reliance on the comfort that his magic gives him, more that his relatives. He doesn’t have an obsession or invasive need for magic usage and power, but he feels that magic allows him to be unique and to express himself like he does when he writes. He uses his magic to duplicate his books and articles and then dristributes them through his small bookstore he co-owns with his wife, Victoria.

    Likes: Dumb ponies, being bothered while reading, dandelion sandwiches

    He was born in a small and modest house in Phillydelphia, given the name Lumi for the unique qualities of his fur, even though it was an uncommon name. At a young age he began to show prodigious skill in the schooling subjects, especially language arts. He began to be taught by tutors and he left public school. His father had already begun to worry about him never having any friends. He liked having friends but understood that schooling was more important. He also sensed the growing divide between his mother and his father.

    During his schooling, his parents disagreed about how to raise him. His mother was pushing for more tutors and a better education, but his father worried that this would cause him to be turned away from what his father wanted him to be: a “normal colt”. His mother stood her ground, yet so did his father - though both meant well, it eventually ended with the two separation, as they felt the constant strife would be too much for poor Lumi to handle. The young stallion spent time seeing them both, though more of his time was with his mother than his father, and it seemed as though this new way of life would be what Lumi would know, until his father passed away after a harsh battle with pneumonia. Lumi came with his mother, and, still in grief, he lived with her as she bought a house in the center of the city, where better education would be more easily accessible. He finished primary school with tutors and got his Cutie Mark after he beat one of his most skilled tutors in a game of chess, something he had never done before. After he graduated primary school, he began to have more skilled tutors teach him in secondary school. He learned more skills and how to play several instruments. Eventually he graduated secondary school and they began to talk about college. His mother revealed that she had been filing applications for scholarships with the most prestigious college in Canterlot. 

    He took each assessment slowly and eventually submitted them. Then came several weeks of anxious waiting before they got the letter that declared he had been accepted. He immediately began to prepare and packed up his things. His mother worried for him but he assured him that he would be alright. There was a tears goodbye and he promised to write often. With that, he left for college in Canterlot. 

    He arrived full of energy and pride, but almost immediately found that he was nopony special here. Each student was the cream of the corn, the best of the best, and he was challenged for real for once in his life. He lost his gusto and studied hard, realizing that he only had so much time to study and to work here. He began to withdraw and study more, and he gradually devoted more time to studying. He surged ahead and was once again at the top of the classes, but he was at a loss as well. He had no real friends, just acquaintances, and he was pretty lonely.

    Then he met Victoria, a Pegasus mare with a fast mind and faster wings. The two hit it off, studying together and enjoying each other’s company. Eventually they began to date and they were very happy, but then college ended. Not wanting to be separated, they decided to start a store together. They rented a building, pooled their funds, and began to work on their bookstore. Borrowing money from the bank, they hired teams to renovate, install new features, and they handmade the bookshelves.

    While they were sitting and reading in their flat above the bookstore, Victoria proposed to Lumi, and he accepted. They were married in the local pleasure garden. They opened their bookstore. Victoria’s college aviation goggles and a few other pieces of memorabilia were put in a display case, and they lived cliché-ly happily ever after. 

    Lumi and Victoria’s bookstore is in Canterlot if you want to visit!


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Hiya, Insight!

Okay, so you've got a character together, and you're looking to get approved for the EqE.  Great!  All we need to do is take a looky-loo here, and see that everything's up to par.  So, without further ado, let's get down to brass tacks.

Hmmmmmmmm...

 

His fur gleams in sun and seems darker in shadow or darkness. In any light some silver streaks appear in his fur and the brighter the light, the more his fur gleams, so if he is in direct sunlight, his fur shines with very bright light.

If I may, I'd like to suggest an edit, here?  The above seems like a run-on sentence, when it could actually be a bit neater by compressing the idea.  Try this:

His fur blends noticeably with the amount of light present; pitch black accents in darkness, and gleaming silver streaks in the sun.  His fur seems to react to even the slightest amount of light, and direct sunlight makes him almost blinding.

Instead of repeating the same words, try to make a sentence that gets the same concept across with as few uses of the same word as you can.  A Thesaurus does wonders when writing, and can help you embellish any written work to be far more pleasing to the eye.

 

However, since he never looses at chess, other ponies are sometimes annoyed by him, as they think he is trying to show off his skill and intelligence when all he really wants is to enjoy other ponies’s company.

Instead of simply saying they're 'annoyed by him', it might be more accurate to talk about their displeasure at being beaten at chess; saying they were annoyed sounds like he was actively being annoying, but it seems like you're saying they simply get irked at his winning streak.  Maybe that would be a better way to put it?  Try this:

However, other ponies have gotten upset with him in the past, due to his amazing skill at the game - they tend to believe he's simply showing off, when the truth is more that he is just that talented at it.  He'd really rather have their company than simply another opponent to play.

 

  • Dumb ponies, ponies bothering him while he is reading, dandelion sandwiches

The second dislike could be summed up easier as 'being bothered while reading', as it probably wouldn't matter what race bothered him - he'd still be bothered.

 

He was born in a small and modest house in Phillydelphia, given the name Lumi for sentimental purpose, even though it was an uncommon name.

... and what sentimental purpose is that?  Remember, you're trying to display your OC - explaining the reason behind a name can give something for other players to ask about, helping them to find points to interact with your OC through.  Asking about such a unique name should have some form of nebulous reason; take a moment to try to come up with a 'sentimental' reason that his parents would have connections with the name 'Lumi'.

Ancestor's name?  Favored grandparent?  Special circumstance?  Named by magical means?  The possibilities are endless!

 

During his schooling, his parents disagreed about how to raise him. His mother was pushing for more tutors and a better education, but his father worried that this would cause him to be turned away from what his father wanted him to be: a “normal colt”. His mother would not relent and so this argument gave way to divorce. There was a furious court battle over which parent would get the foal, but eventually, the judge split the time 60-40. As they were readying to move out, his father caught a horrible disease. He died a week later.

... wow... that's, um... a bit... grim.

The EqE is a section that endeavors to keep roleplay as close to show canon as possible - and the kind of backstory you have here is a bit much for TV-Y.  Now, don't worry - there's other ways to finagle a thing, and there could always be more acceptable reasons for things happening to Lumi as they have.

Remember that acceptance and tolerance are Celestia's buzzwords with the ponies of Equestria, and I'm not certain if Lumi's father would be so driven to push for 'normal' in such a society as the one the ponies have.  However, disagreements as to how to raise a foal can happen - and that isn't an issue. 

However... 'divorce' is.  We've never seen an instance of it in the show, therefore we can't simply say it happens like it does here on Earth.  Furthermore, there's also no court that I've seen, so it would stand to reason that Divorce Court isn't a thing, either - and again, messy legal battles leave the realm of TV-Y, so we can't really have it that way... though, in the instances above, I'm more than willing to help you try to come up with alternatives you would be willing to accept.

 

They were married in the local pleasure garden.

... ah, eh... heh, heh... why don't we just say, 'They were married in the city park, surrounded by flowers.'  'Pleasure garden' sounds too much like a-... ummm... y-yeah, just take my word for it.

 

There are a few instances of word repetition here and there, but all in all, Lumi seems like a nifty character.  As soon as you impliment some of the changes I mentioned, we can talk about what else we can do to get Lumi into the EqE.

 

 

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On 6/6/2018 at 10:11 AM, Randimaxis said:

Hiya, Insight!

Okay, so you've got a character together, and you're looking to get approved for the EqE.  Great!  All we need to do is take a looky-loo here, and see that everything's up to par.  So, without further ado, let's get down to brass tacks.

Hmmmmmmmm...

 

His fur gleams in sun and seems darker in shadow or darkness. In any light some silver streaks appear in his fur and the brighter the light, the more his fur gleams, so if he is in direct sunlight, his fur shines with very bright light.

If I may, I'd like to suggest an edit, here?  The above seems like a run-on sentence, when it could actually be a bit neater by compressing the idea.  Try this:

His fur blends noticeably with the amount of light present; pitch black accents in darkness, and gleaming silver streaks in the sun.  His fur seems to react to even the slightest amount of light, and direct sunlight makes him almost blinding.

Instead of repeating the same words, try to make a sentence that gets the same concept across with as few uses of the same word as you can.  A Thesaurus does wonders when writing, and can help you embellish any written work to be far more pleasing to the eye.

 

However, since he never looses at chess, other ponies are sometimes annoyed by him, as they think he is trying to show off his skill and intelligence when all he really wants is to enjoy other ponies’s company.

Instead of simply saying they're 'annoyed by him', it might be more accurate to talk about their displeasure at being beaten at chess; saying they were annoyed sounds like he was actively being annoying, but it seems like you're saying they simply get irked at his winning streak.  Maybe that would be a better way to put it?  Try this:

However, other ponies have gotten upset with him in the past, due to his amazing skill at the game - they tend to believe he's simply showing off, when the truth is more that he is just that talented at it.  He'd really rather have their company than simply another opponent to play.

 

  • Dumb ponies, ponies bothering him while he is reading, dandelion sandwiches

The second dislike could be summed up easier as 'being bothered while reading', as it probably wouldn't matter what race bothered him - he'd still be bothered.

 

He was born in a small and modest house in Phillydelphia, given the name Lumi for sentimental purpose, even though it was an uncommon name.

... and what sentimental purpose is that?  Remember, you're trying to display your OC - explaining the reason behind a name can give something for other players to ask about, helping them to find points to interact with your OC through.  Asking about such a unique name should have some form of nebulous reason; take a moment to try to come up with a 'sentimental' reason that his parents would have connections with the name 'Lumi'.

Ancestor's name?  Favored grandparent?  Special circumstance?  Named by magical means?  The possibilities are endless!

 

During his schooling, his parents disagreed about how to raise him. His mother was pushing for more tutors and a better education, but his father worried that this would cause him to be turned away from what his father wanted him to be: a “normal colt”. His mother would not relent and so this argument gave way to divorce. There was a furious court battle over which parent would get the foal, but eventually, the judge split the time 60-40. As they were readying to move out, his father caught a horrible disease. He died a week later.

... wow... that's, um... a bit... grim.

The EqE is a section that endeavors to keep roleplay as close to show canon as possible - and the kind of backstory you have here is a bit much for TV-Y.  Now, don't worry - there's other ways to finagle a thing, and there could always be more acceptable reasons for things happening to Lumi as they have.

Remember that acceptance and tolerance are Celestia's buzzwords with the ponies of Equestria, and I'm not certain if Lumi's father would be so driven to push for 'normal' in such a society as the one the ponies have.  However, disagreements as to how to raise a foal can happen - and that isn't an issue. 

However... 'divorce' is.  We've never seen an instance of it in the show, therefore we can't simply say it happens like it does here on Earth.  Furthermore, there's also no court that I've seen, so it would stand to reason that Divorce Court isn't a thing, either - and again, messy legal battles leave the realm of TV-Y, so we can't really have it that way... though, in the instances above, I'm more than willing to help you try to come up with alternatives you would be willing to accept.

 

They were married in the local pleasure garden.

... ah, eh... heh, heh... why don't we just say, 'They were married in the city park, surrounded by flowers.'  'Pleasure garden' sounds too much like a-... ummm... y-yeah, just take my word for it.

 

There are a few instances of word repetition here and there, but all in all, Lumi seems like a nifty character.  As soon as you impliment some of the changes I mentioned, we can talk about what else we can do to get Lumi into the EqE.

 

 

Thank you for taking time to review my character!

I’ve implemented your changes as wished (you possess great skill in writing).

I apologize for the “pleasure garden” issue. If you have ever read Siddhartha by Herman Hess, you would know what it is. In ancient India, a pleasure garden was just that - a garden, literally, for the pleasure of the plants within. Being a Buddhist, it was a simple way to pay some tribute. However, I do understand the quite erotic echoes of the words, and have happily removed it. 

Divorce happened to me when I was about 8, and this is another way of paying tribute. Again, removed with ease.

However, the dead dad is hard to eliminate, since it kinda forces me to rewrite the entire rest, or almost. Leavin’ that unless you really are against that. I mean, we have Applejack’s dead parents, right? Also, used “perished” to soften the word use. I write dark stories as a hobby, and sometimes they leak into this world of pastel ponies. 

I await your response with great anticipation!

UPDATE: I’m having some editing issues right now. Trust that I am trying my damndest and I will attempt to hash this out in the next few days.

Edited by Insight
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Hmmmmmm...

Well, there are still instances of death having occurred in the MLP universe, but simply saying he caught a disease and died sounds... a bit terse and cold.

 

Instead of:

His mother would not relent and so this argument gave way to divorce. There was a furious court battle over which parent would get the foal, but eventually, the judge split the time 60-40. As they were readying to move out, his father caught a horrible disease. He died a week later.

 

Try this: 

His Mother stood her ground, yet so did his Father - though both meant well, it eventually ended with the two separating, as they felt the constant strife would be too much for poor Lumi to handle. The young stallion spent time seeing them both, though more of this time was with his Mother than his Father, and it seemed as though this new way of life would be what Lumi would know...

Until his Father passed away after a harsh battle with pneumonia.

 

This gives the same 'sudden hammer' effect of the father's passing, but presents it in a way that sounds more reverent than dismissive.  Little tricks like this can help a narrative sound more as though it's FELT rather than simply EXPERIENCED.

 

Let me know if this helps, and send me a line when you've ironed out your editing.  }:D

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On 6/13/2018 at 11:23 PM, Randimaxis said:

Hmmmmmm...

Well, there are still instances of death having occurred in the MLP universe, but simply saying he caught a disease and died sounds... a bit terse and cold.

 

Instead of:

His mother would not relent and so this argument gave way to divorce. There was a furious court battle over which parent would get the foal, but eventually, the judge split the time 60-40. As they were readying to move out, his father caught a horrible disease. He died a week later.

 

Try this: 

His Mother stood her ground, yet so did his Father - though both meant well, it eventually ended with the two separating, as they felt the constant strife would be too much for poor Lumi to handle. The young stallion spent time seeing them both, though more of this time was with his Mother than his Father, and it seemed as though this new way of life would be what Lumi would know...

Until his Father passed away after a harsh battle with pneumonia.

 

This gives the same 'sudden hammer' effect of the father's passing, but presents it in a way that sounds more reverent than dismissive.  Little tricks like this can help a narrative sound more as though it's FELT rather than simply EXPERIENCED.

 

Let me know if this helps, and send me a line when you've ironed out your editing.  }:D

I absolutely appreciate your help! Thanks! Also my computer is deciding to be mostly shitfaced right now. Sorry. I’ll get that up soon though!!!!

Edit: My tech is working again. I appreciate your help. Check it out! I also left your edits blue as you made them so that they’re easy to identify, although your writing style is quite memorable!!

Edited by Hustler
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I am digging the changes... and I think we're about done here!

You're welcome to go back and turn my blue type to black, and and remove the italics; otherwise, if you think you're good, then let me know, and I'll pop Lumi over into Second Approval!

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6 hours ago, Randimaxis said:

I am digging the changes... and I think we're about done here!

You're welcome to go back and turn my blue type to black, and and remove the italics; otherwise, if you think you're good, then let me know, and I'll pop Lumi over into Second Approval!

Alright, I’m good!!!!!!

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Hello Hustler

I'm Mentis your humble servant and second approver of character Lumi.

I've noticed one or two things, mostly so far are only sheet errors rather than anything wrong with your writing skills and such but nonetheless, we should try to address them.
(If we can't fix them, then that's a shame but it is something I noticed.) 

  • You'll need to have a look at the link for his cutiemark it seems to be broken
  • Lumi's likes and dislikes seem to be stuck on one line, best we break those up to avoid confusion.

Now for the few typos/grammar things.

There is a line in the second paragraph of his backstory there is a line that is like so "though both meant well, it eventually ended with the two separation" The usage or separation is incorrect and needs to be changed to separating or something to that extent to make sure the version of the word is correct. 

Apart from this one thing I spotted I see nothing else wrong with Lumi, he seems a good character indeed well done.

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3 hours ago, Mentis Soliloquy said:

Hello Hustler

I'm Mentis your humble servant and second approver of character Lumi.

I've noticed one or two things, mostly so far are only sheet errors rather than anything wrong with your writing skills and such but nonetheless, we should try to address them.
(If we can't fix them, then that's a shame but it is something I noticed.) 

  • You'll need to have a look at the link for his cutiemark it seems to be broken
  • Lumi's likes and dislikes seem to be stuck on one line, best we break those up to avoid confusion.

Now for the few typos/grammar things.

There is a line in the second paragraph of his backstory there is a line that is like so "though both meant well, it eventually ended with the two separation" The usage or separation is incorrect and needs to be changed to separating or something to that extent to make sure the version of the word is correct. 

Apart from this one thing I spotted I see nothing else wrong with Lumi, he seems a good character indeed well done.

I’m having some editing issues. The button to edit ain’t showin’ up. I’ll do it as soon as I can. 

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*looks around*

Umm... is there still an interest in Lumi here?

If so, please speak up; this character will have to be deleted from the queue on June 20th if there's no further interest.

Thank you for your time.

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On 7/9/2018 at 8:09 AM, Randimaxis said:

*looks around*

Umm... is there still an interest in Lumi here?

If so, please speak up; this character will have to be deleted from the queue on June 20th if there's no further interest.

Thank you for your time.

There is!!!! I didn’t know I needed to provide a cutie mark image. Editing issues too. 

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On 7/12/2018 at 3:10 PM, Nihrvana said:

There is!!!! I didn’t know I needed to provide a cutie mark image. Editing issues too. 

Did you look at my mention I sent on the 25th of June? 

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On 8/2/2018 at 5:07 AM, Nihrvana said:

I did not know that a Cutie Mark image was a requirement. 

I can, if necessary, provide a link within 5 days. 

Is that a requirement?

We'd prefer that you did have one yes, do you have

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