Smoky Gears

Hiya!

Okay, so let's see what you've got here...

First off, might I mention that Gears' description only contains a description of his mane, his hoodie and his pouches; this ain't enough, yo.  A description should be about the character first, their clothes and stuff after.  Try the basic set-up of coat color, mane and tail color, eye color, general height and weight (tall and thin, short and plump, what-have-you), any distinguishing marks (scars, tattoos, birthmarks, etc.) and any magical effects (glowing eyes, laser wings, fire shooting from your rump).  

I would suggest a second paragraph about how his general attitude's first-impression would appear to others (he looks sneaky, she looks like a real sweetheart, he looks like he's hiding a secret), but that's optional.

The whole part about studying Dark Magic isn't in line with the kind of canon that EqE holds true to; Dark Magic is exceptionally difficult to track down, and those parts that are found are usually kept secure and hidden within the Canterlot Royal Archives - not to mention how ponies all over Equestria keep their eyes open for instances of such... I believe you could change this to a possible INTEREST in Dark Magic, but no actual working knowledge of such - sorry.

These are the main issues I see at the moment; when you get these taken care of, I'll take a second look - keep me posted!

I have edited his description,  and expanded upon it as you have suggested.  I believe this should fix the first issue.  As for the personality,  I have done my best to correct the issues you have with that.  Furthermore, the third issue,  that about Dark Magic I've made it to where he has an interest but hasn't started studying it.  At all. Even though he wishes to. 

Okay, your changes have been noted (and much appreciated).

Hmmmmm... as far as I can see from this end, it seems like Smoky has a good start going on... if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to see if I can't bring in another staffer to take a look at it; always better to have a second pair of eyes, eh?

Okie-dokie-lokie - let's give a shout-out to my fellow staffers and see what (if anything) needs a-fixin'!

Hi Novaburst!

I took a look at Smoky Gears as well, and caught a few smaller things for you to adjust before he moves into second approval.

• You say Smoky is “about as tall as unicorns can be”. How tall can a unicorn be? Does this mean he’s the same height as a character like Sassy Saddles, or taller? Would be better to just say he’s taller than most other unicorns here.

• You mention Smoky’s eyes glowing while he does magic. From what we’ve seen, a unicorn’s eyes only glow when they use dark magic, so since he doesn’t use dark magic (though he may be learning to), only his horn should glow while he is using magic.

• In the personality section, it says Smoky “is a pony who loves science, even for a unicorn”. We don’t know that unicorns are any more interested in science than other breeds of pony, so the “even for a unicorn” part should be omitted.

• You say he dislikes “uptight unicorns”. Does he dislike other ponies that are uptight?

• Did Smoky invent his armor fabric, was he given it, did he buy it, or did it come to him through some other means? Though he is an inventor, it seems odd that he would create a fabric if he usually works in mechanical devices and magic, so the inclusion of the armor needs some explanation.

• This isn’t something you have to change, but “Smokey” is how that word is usually spelled. You can certainly spell it as Smoky for his name, but I wanted to make sure you were aware of the correct spelling.

If you take care of this stuff, Smoky Gears should be all set

I believe I have made sufficient edits to solve the problems you have had with the application.  However,  if I am wrong please let me know right away. 

Looking good so far; just one little bit to point out, and we'll see if he passes Second Approval!

In Personality: '... as some people call it.'  Don't you mean, "some PONIES"?????   *chuckle*

Otherwise, he looks about set - make that last change, and we'll pop him into the Second Approval queue; from there, keep your hooves crossed.

Edited that. 

All right, time to run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes.

Second Approval, it is!

Now, we play the waiting game...

I believe I have made sufficient edits to solve the problems you have had with the application.  However,  if I am wrong please let me know right away. 

Alright, so I took another look at the application, and I do still see a few things to be adjusted in it. First off, the propellor saddle isn't going to be acceptable for EqE, because we don't allow devices that allow flightless individuals to fly as they have not been seen on the show itself (outside of Tank's propellor and a few stunts pulled by Pinkie Pie, who runs on cartoon logic and therefore doesn't count).

Second, you say that Gears didn't invent the armor, but he discovered it? I don't know what you mean by that, I'm not sure how one would discover a cloth. I also don't know how he would make the cloth something only he could use. That part of your application will definitely need some clarification.

And lastly, you should keep in mind that in the "other" section you will need to include descriptions of any spells Smoky knows aside from telekinesis (and that he is only allowed up to three of them)

Would you allow it to be based off of seeing the Tortoise fly around Cloudsdale,  or would you prefer he lose the harness,  and the armor entirely?  And why so few spells?   Also,  I can't edit. 

Edits have been completed. 

Would you allow it to be based off of seeing the Tortoise fly around Cloudsdale,  or would you prefer he lose the harness,  and the armor entirely?  And why so few spells?

The propellor won't be allowed, but the armor could potentially work if you can give an explanation for it that really works. As for the spells, they're limited to ensure that characters don't load up on magic and make themselves extremely powerful, as well as being based on the fact that most unicorns on the show don't appear to know very many spells.

As for what you have here, I do have a few things to point out regarding the magic.

• You talk about "magical light" and "absorbing magic from the environment", but these aren't really seen on the show, so what exactly they're supposed to be and whether they would theoretically exist in Equestria is pretty unclear. It would be better not to include these elements.
• Weaponry is pretty rarely seen in Equestria, so an energy sword doesn't really fit into the world. An offensive beam would be better.
• Having a shield that can bounce back spells is okay, but increasing their power threefold is a bit much. That should be dialed back some.

I've edited his magic to be acceptable,  I do believe. 

I've edited his magic to be acceptable,  I do believe. 

His spells do look better, but I think that the weight reduction spell is both overly advanced and not particularly sensible, since telekinesis has been shown to be able to lift very heavy things when used by unicorns who have put a lot of effort into improving the spell such as Twilight.

I am also curious as to why Smoky's spells seem to be combat-oriented, when he is primarily an inventor

Outside of the spells, I also notice a couple of things to be cleaned up. There is still a description of the body armor in Smoky's appearance despite you having nixed that, and you still mention "magical light" regarding the device in the backstory despite changing it to run on magic-infused crystals.

Also, having a technology section isn't really necessary if you do not describe any tech. Perhaps you could put the device from the backstory there?

I've added a piece of tech,  to fix that problem.  I believe I've corrected every issue.  And it's because of later plans I have for him that I'm not going to spoil. 

I've added a piece of tech,  to fix that problem.  I believe I've corrected every issue.  And it's because of later plans I have for him that I'm not going to spoil. 

I think these should be the last few things for him

• You don’t need to say that his clothes have “no special properties”, as they wouldn’t be expected to.

• Where you refer to “magical light” you should just say “magic”, as we haven’t heard or seen “magical light” referred to on the show.

• You say Smoky gets his cutie mark one day at school, and then say he gets it at night some time later. This should be fixed so that it does not say he gets his cutie mark at the science fair.

• Does Smoky use the laser to demolish buildings before he decides it’s too dangerous and destroys it? This part should be a bit clearer.

• I like the new spells you’ve added, those are good and fitting for your character. I’ve given the shield a lot of thought though, and I think that having a spell that can deflect other spells and send them back even stronger directly at the caster is too powerful for Smoky. I am fine with him having a shield that can deflect attacks (perhaps something he learned to protect against devices that go haywire), but it shouldn’t really go above that.

• Just to check on what you want the horn cover to be able to do, is the device meant to act as a sort of magical battery?

The edits you've wished me to complete are done. 

The edits you've wished me to complete are done. 

Smoky's looking great now, we're so close to having him just right to send on his way. I do still notice two things, however. One, I don't really see how an area of minimal light would affect the power of the "saddle blaster", and two, implying that Smoky knows or knew a "memory spell" that can remove memories is too powerful a spell for him in this section. I'd say he should just destroy the blueprints and leave it at that, using a memory spell seems a little drastic either way.

Edited that part. 

Okay, since all looks to be in order, then let's try Second Approval again.

Best of luck!

Smoky looks good to me, thanks for taking care of all of those edits so quickly. Your character is now approved