Rewriting an old fic, need some feedback

[Tom Snyder 4,112]

So i've decided to restore an old story about my first OC, Rain Crasher. and show it to you guys after i got it done. so here's the idea:

 

 

The story starts out with Rain crasher talking about his family, his mother, Evening mist and his father, Sun Beam. He explains his time spent with his family as a colt and how he is treated after his mother becomes rather violent towards him, this makes him run away and start his life over by living on his own as a drifter. Along the way Rain Crasher learns that his talent is that he is a jack of all trades, earning his cutie mark in the process.

 

Here's his pic:

 

During his travels, Rain Crasher learns of a peaceful and friendly town; Ponyville. Its in the letter that he finds out where his friend, Solar Runner is, he is living in that very town. This makes Rain Crasher happy and takes the next train to Ponyville, but when he arrives, he finds mares all over the place and his fear of them kicks in, Rain Crasher has a phobia known as Gynophobia; a fear of mares. This as caused by his own mother before he ran away from his home, so  he will avoid them if he can and not even look at them, keeping his eyes to the ground. He soon bumps into Rainbow Dash, but as he is about to apologize, he freezes in fear, but finally moves and flies away. This leaves Rainbow Dash confused as she pursues him to find out why he didn't apologize.

 

Now comes what i call Rain Crasher's moment of pure adrenaline as she flies around trying to lose RD, but fails to do so. RD tackles him to the farm below, landing in the hay bales outside of Sweet Apple Acres. Rain Crasher's phobia is severe, so he hates even being touched by them, when RD finally gets a hold of him, Rain Crasher begs her to let go, when she doesn't: Rain Crasher uses his wings to create a dust cloud, making her let go immediately. But as he flies away, Rainbow Dash grabs his tail by her mouth and holds him in place. Feeling this, Rain Crasher bucks her off and takes off again, hiding in the clouds.

 

Rainbow Dash finally catches up and tries to locate him, demanding that he comes out. But he doesn't want to as he fears her and wishes she'd go away, but this doesn't happen and Rain Crasher sneezes, blowing his cover. Poking her head through the cloud, she finds him with her face right next to his. This frightens him and he flies off once again with RD in pursuit, they fly through the town and high speed, getting everypony's attention at the spectacle, which they think is a race. But Solar Runner sees Rain Crasher's distress and stops RD in her tracks, letting rain Crasher hide behind him.

 

When RD leaves in a huff, Solar Runner tends to Rain Crasher and takes him to where Solar Runner lives. There Solar Runner says that he is a therapist and can help Rain Crasher with his phobia, but in a fear ladder system. Rain Crasher agrees to it and goes through 6 months of treatment, along the way he gets more comfortable as his treatment progresses, being able to stand being in the presence of a mare; but still has the issue of the distance he keeps between them. 

 

 

This is what i aim for, a slice of life fic, think i need to change anything? i'll start showing his personality as he gets comfortable with being around mares, so i wouldn't worry about that problem.   

Edited January 21, 2015 by Candy Star