Dark Origins(need some help here)

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

So here's what i have:

In the Filly Mountains lies a small village of ponies who research ways to improve society, but among them is one unicorn filly mare who is completely different from them. Her name? Dark Mist, a filly who learned magic through a friend of hers. But when she shows her parents her new magic, they're disappointed as magic is frowned upon in the village and makes her the outsider. Feeling upset, Dark Mist runs away from her home in the middle of the night, not quite understanding their hate of magic use. But Dark Mist doesn't look back and keeps running, her hope was to find somepony who would understand her feelings, and perhaps teach her magic.

At night, its dangerous as her parents always warned her not to venture outside the village walls; but Dark Mist never was one to listen. Her own feelings get in the way and lead to Dark Mist getting in trouble in the village, but out here; she could do what she wanted. Now further inside the forest, the paths seem to end at a fork, one way leads to Ponyville, the other to Baltimare. Putting a hoof to her head, Dark Mist thinks about which route to take, Ponyville sounds more promising, so she heads in that direction to the town.

"Its too dark, i can't see a thing..." says Dark Mist, scared and alone; with only the sounds of the crickets and other wildlife around her. Looking down, she sees what looks to be a piece of clothing, but can't quite see it. Using a light spell, a bit weak, but it helps her see it. This fabric looked to be one from a less advanced society, but could this be what she is looking for? Cold and shivering, Dark Mist looks for some shelter; finding a cave with nothing inside.

"At least i'll be safe in here, just hope nothing come in." This thought keeps her awake, fearful of what might try and attack her if Dark Mist were to fall asleep.

 

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This is the starting point of the story and i wish to know if anyone else has any better ideas that could help improve it.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Candy Star

[Dulset Tarn 441]

So she learns magic that's frowned upon in her village... from a friend from that village?

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

So she learns magic that's frowned upon in her village... from a friend from that village?

Yes, but not inside the village. Both know what happens if you're caught using it. Her friend doesn't share the same views, but understands why they don't allow it; Dark Mist does not.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Candy Star

[Dulset Tarn 441]

So the friend knew this but didn't tell her?

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

She didn't want to upset Dark Mist, why would she? The rules state that anypony caught using any kind of magic sis punished severely; meaning the punishment isn't going to be simple scolding, but far worse.

Plus it was harder for the parents to say it to her because she was so young, you wouldn't teach your kids about violence. But abuse is the worst thing anyone can go through, if you had to explain to a young child in detail about something that could possibly make them not want to be around the others. All she is told is to avoid using magic and she'd be fine; nothing more.

 

Think about it this way, in any other country where religion is respected, you find cities that will kill you for even disrespecting their religion. So think of magic in that village as a disrespect to to science.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Candy Star

[Midnight Seeker 302]

Well. . . the friend who taught her magic needs a bit more elaboration. More detail and background on them. You could also put a bit of mystery behind this friend. Does that friend have an agenda? Is she really a pony or something pretending to be a pony? Is she even real?

Likewise, why does this village dislike magic? Magic is a key part of Equestria. Not to say that this group couldn't exist, but again, it needs more details and background. Are they like Amish, or progressives with strange alternate beliefs? Why would they not want a unicorn to practice magic?

Likewise, what is this magic your character is learning? Why are others afraid of it? Does this magic have a reputation (did a famous villain from history use it)?

I'd say your weakness here is a lack of background. You could flesh this up a bit. Bare in mind that you character exists in a world, the world doesn't exist for your character.

Hope this helps!

Get planing, start writing and good luck!

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

Well. . . the friend who taught her magic needs a bit more elaboration. More detail and background on them. You could also put a bit of mystery behind this friend. Does that friend have an agenda? Is she really a pony or something pretending to be a pony? Is she even real?

 

Likewise, why does this village dislike magic? Magic is a key part of Equestria. Not to say that this group couldn't exist, but again, it needs more details and background. Are they like Amish, or progressives with strange alternate beliefs? Why would they not want a unicorn to practice magic?

 

Likewise, what is this magic your character is learning? Why are others afraid of it? Does this magic have a reputation (did a famous villain from history use it)?

 

I'd say your weakness here is a lack of background. You could flesh this up a bit. Bare in mind that you character exists in a world, the world doesn't exist for your character.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Get planing, start writing and good luck!

I 'll try to be more elaborate.

[Midnight Seeker 302]

You've got a good seed here. Nurture it, and I'm sure you'll grow a good story.

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

I'm trying my best to make it work, just can't quite grasp it. The only aspect i know is 3rd and a bit of 1st.

[Midnight Seeker 302]

These things can take time. Just learn to pace yourself. Take the time to plan her journey, then work on her world and the supporting cast. Take your time. There's no rush.

[Tom Snyder 4,113]

These things can take time. Just learn to pace yourself. Take the time to plan her journey, then work on her world and the supporting cast. Take your time. There's no rush.

Yeah, your right.   I'm just a bit slow when thinking things through, so i'll try and slow down then.

This is Dark Mist's origin story on how she becomes the corrupted version of herself, the dark magic she unknowingly possesses is dangerous for good reason. It is also forbidden to use in this village due to them being used to their way of life. The inventions and other projects are sacred to them and they will not ever accept magic into their lives. So yes, you could think of them like amish. 

Edited January 24, 2015 by Candy Star