Need feedback on Dark Origins(new version!)

[Tom Snyder 4,112]

 

 

Deep below Trottingham's surface lies a facility dedicated to understanding forbidden magic, the ponies here test these spells on their pony subjects; gained through lies and deceit. Twenty five colts and fillies, taken from their families and forced to be subjected to the experiments performed on them. From what the parents were told, these fillies and colts would be able to help them understand magic's secrets and would be returned unharmed; but this was a lie. Rosa Thorns, the leader of the facility has been doing this for months, even years without being caught. She knew that if either princess found out, they would be given capital punishment; death. But Rosa always knew how to keep a low profile, only getting subjects every two to five years, this way, no suspicion would befall them. For all Equestria knew, they didn't even exist and could do what they pleased as long as it didn't get out of their control.

 

The colts went first, but none make it past the first stage and are disposed off later at night under the cover of night. In the morning they were found, but no longer alive; the guards that found them were patrolling the area and uncovered the mass grave. But Princesses Luna and Celestia were distraught at the discovery, now determined to find the ones responsible and see that justice was done. But any leads ran cold, the ponies who did this were clever and able to cover their tracks; even the most experienced unicorns could not find them. All that could be done is hold a memorial service for the victims of such a cruel fate.

 

 

Rosa has come to check on the subjects unaware of what she is about to hear from one of her staff, 

"Miss Rosa, we have some good and bad news, which would you like to hear?" asks one of the pony staff, holding a clipboard in his magic, awaiting an answer.

 

""The good first, please." answers Rosa, eager to get the results. If what happened last time repeats itself, then they would give up the project, but she was sure they have plenty of subjects left; so maybe it wasn't that bad.

 

"We have a filly who seems to be resistant to the side effects, but don't know for how long. And the bad news is; we lost the remaining nine subjects." expecting an earful from Rosa, the scientist pony shuts his eyes tightly and awaits the bombardment of insults as usual; but receives none. Rosa's serious expression turns to a smile, she is pleased to have some success after so many failures.

 

"Who is this lucky filly?" asks Rosa, interested in this most fortunate of events.

 

"Her name is Dark Mist, Miss Rosa." answers the earth pony stallion, breathing a sigh of relief as he isn't yelled at for his incompetence. Rosa always intimidated the staff, so nopony there ever tries to challenge her decisions; which was fine with her. Heading off towards Dark Mist's isolation chamber, Rosa dismisses the stallion and continues on her way. This filly would be the first to make it, but has to be put through a series of tests before she would be ready. The clients interested in such ponies who could use this forbidden magic were always rich saps, even the most of good natures fell to such desires. What better protection than that of a pony who could use such magic, even paying large sums to get it. It was easy, once you promise a pony something, they believe it; even willing to pay up front for the investment. It's just business, Rosa cares not for what purpose they would have for them. As long as they paid the bits, no questions were asked of them.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I know this sounds too dark, but i needed a better way of showing what Dark Mist had gone through. Losing a friend, and being treated like nothing but a pet project and finally being sold to those who would use them for whatever they wished, but this is an alternate timeline, one of many in which bad things happen. And yes, i know about the lack of first person views. But i have no real understanding of it, even if i read about it; i will have no idea of what to do.

 

I'm slow, but i will learn it eventually and i'm not here to cater to everyone's needs; these stories are all i can do besides Romance/SoL. I want to give that sense of worthlessness to Dark Mist, make it feel like she is just what she is; a means to an end.

Edited March 6, 2015 by Candy Star

[Tom Snyder 4,112]

I also must mention that Dark Mist, when she falls into madness, becomes sadistic and enjoys the pleasure of pain, suffering and humiliation she can get. But it also makes her all the more dangerous to cross paths with; Rosa experiences this close hoof, running for her life. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth is something taught in the Old Testament. I wanted to use that for an example:

 

What Dark Mist is doing, is giving Rosa a taste of her own medicine by taking revenge against her, doing everything she can to make Rosa feel helpless and afraid as she once was. Even going as far as playing cat and mouse with her, making her think she was getting away, only to appear in front of her again and again. What Rosa didn't realize before was that even if you try to tame something wild, you can't completely control it; it will eventually turn on you in unpredictable ways.

Edited March 9, 2015 by Candy Star