If you could give respectful feedback?

[Tom Snyder 4,112]

Hello everyone! I've moved my story to Fimfiction.net, but then people kept insulting my work and i'm having a chat with another writer; hopefully he can help. If he cannot, i quit that site for good. People don't understand i have a handicap which prevents me from going all out; i can't learn things as quickly as you. Please take this into consideration and be respectful.

 

Summary:

 

Born in a fishing village called Trottingham, Dark Mist is isolated and harassed to feel like a freak, she begins to feel misery as well as hatred for other ponies. Mistrust of Dark Mist spreads to older Colts and mares, causing distrust and isolation of entire mist family. Crimson comes along eventually befriending her, Dark mist no longer feels as much hate for other ponies because of Crimson. Dark Mist's own parents begin to distance themselves from their own daughter for the strife that is upon the family, this leads to Dark mist's parents finally allowing Rosa to take her to the testing facility. 

 

Inside testing facility, Dark mist is admitted having a collar slapped around her neck. She soon hears of what happens to corrupted ponies through past methods. Dark Mist's mother, Evening Mist, visits occasionally making Dark mist still feel loved. During training, Dark Mist is pushed too hard and loses control of her magic, the collar is destroyed; allowing the sadistic personality, Tainted Mist, take over. Dark Mist attacks Rosa as well as other staff members, Dark Mist then turns on her mother, who was there to observe the training. Dark Mist manages to fight her sadistic side, saving her mother. Dark Mist escapes the facility.

 

After escaping the facility, Dark mist returns to Trottingham and confronts Crimson Sketch, saying he should leave equestria with her. Crimson refuses hearing of what she did at the facility, rejected by her only friend; she loses herself to her sadistic side and becomes magically unstable; allowing magic to radiate from her causing major chaos around her. Dark Mist then becomes a force of powerful evil.

 

Here's the link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11287475/1/Dark-Origin

 

There is minor conflict in violence, but nothing full blown; its mostly small assaults and Tainted only sends them to Celestia knows where; she doesn't KILL them. All they do is walk that plain until either death takes them or they go crazy from fear.

 

Editor(s) wanted:

 

I am looking for editors and proofreaders to help make my story better; i'm not perfect at grammar or do i know what would work for the story. So anyone who wishes to help:

 

please email me here: raincrasher7@gmail.com

Edited June 5, 2015 by Candy Star

[CrystalNight 181]

Your story is perfectly fine. It could use more details to her background and interactions. More detail on her thoughts and communication with her dark side as well. The way you can make the details better is by describing details like how everything or anypony looks like from their appearance to their expression. The bullies should be more detailed as well since no names where given or what was being said so that is causing people to not have any sympothy for her. Theres nothing to worry about this stuff is easilly fixable and if you love writting keep working on it. You will continue to get better. As for the dissability it's fine i can relate to you on that only my dissability is that i'm blind so learning things visual is hard most of the time. If you want i'm willing to help you with your story.