Critique my OC's backstory

[Star Saber 114]

I have no idea if the correct place to put this kind of thing if it isn't sue me. (Please don't sue me I have almost literally no money...)

 

Anyways the planet aligned and I actually just hammered out a... rather lengthy backstory for my OC Star Saber and I have the desire to subject others to it- I mean uh, 'share' it with others. Of course I don't expect it to be perfect but hey if you're interested take a read!

 

Fair warning though this OC has performed the horrible deadly sin of being related to canon character; oh no this is the worst.

 

Also a heavy amount of fanon aaaand time travel; soooo Enjoy! or not?

 

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My past, is your future. I was born happily as heir to the Crystal Empire. My mother Cadance was an amazing and benevolent ruler; and an even better mother and I have never met a braver pony than my father, Shining Armor. My youth was as you would expect from a young prince.. I learnt to fight from my father; who hoped that I would never need to pick up a blade. I learnt magic from my aunt, Princess Twilight Sparkle who loved nothing more than to see my talents grow with my studies and my mother taught me the intricacies of politics.

 

However the peace I thought would be everlasting shattered when I had just turned fifteen. An enemy descended from beyond the sky; plummeting towards us in a comet black as the void itself. We were completely unprepared for the foes which emerged from that horrible rock. The Vile, they called themselves, creatures of pure darkness and evil, that fed upon fears and magic. The Elements of Harmony were called into action; but there power was matched by the six monsters who stood at the top of the Vile’s chain of command: Allegro; whose malice knew no bounds, Nocturne; somber but in command of a deadly frost, Rondo; with flames only matched by his greed, Requiem, wielding illusions that could deceive anyone, Dirge; arguably the strongest of them, yet his powers over time left him isolated from his kin and finally… Trance, the most despicable and treacherous of them all.

 

Equestria was thrust into a war it was not ready for; and even I in my youth raised my sword to defend it. It was in battle that I earned my cutie mark and learnt of my true talents, combat. Even as we lost city after city to the monsters, I continued to fight. That was until one horrible night. Trance had heard about me; and must’ve thought I was enough of a threat to be dealt with. I was stupid, young and thought I was invincible and it was Trance that showed me how vulnerable I truly was. I was in no way ready for a foe of his strength. I would’ve met my end that night, if not for my father. He sacrificed himself to save my life, however that night I lost my will to fight, I had lost hope. That is, until Twilight came up with a plan. One chance, one opportunity to set things right. Something that would require the power of all four Alicorns to perform.

 

Adapting Starswirl the Bearded Time Travel spell; with enough power Twilight theorized that they could send one pony back to warn Equestria of the impending invasion so that we would at least have a chance. Unfortunately none of the princesses could be the one sent back in time; as they would be necessary in order to cast the spell. The one pony they chose to send back, unanimously was me. However Trance must’ve gotten wind of our plan as he arrived the day we planned to send me back. And so I faced off against the creature responsible for my father’s death. I knew I couldn’t win, but I didn’t need to, all I needed to do was buy time and I was successful; in a way… Trance had managed to enter the magic circle the moment the spell was cast; sending both of us tumbling back through time. I don’t know where, or rather when Trance was taken but at least the spell was successful for me, perhaps too successful. As I look across the landscape of an Equestria twenty years past, now my present.

I am Star Saber, son of Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor; and I’m Equestria’s last hope.

[SFyr 1,982]

@@Star Saber, I'm going off the title, and assuming you want some honest feedback and constructive criticism about all this?   To start with...

I think almost any basic idea can be written to work well, and capture the interest of the reader. I do have some major concerns with this as is, but I'm not condemning it by any means--please bear with me.  I'm just trying to share the points that stick out to me.

 

First and most importantly, from what I just read, your OC has basically been established as the most important pony to exist in this time period. Of course the technicality is debatable, but that's truly how it comes off. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I thought I'd mention that that was my impression, and I'll try to share some things related to the why:

- As you admitted upfront, they're related to canon characters. On top of that, royalty. To me, that's hard to come back from (but can be done), and takes some careful handling from there on. It could work, but it takes a modest touch and some well-handled characterization.   They're going to be important and respected by default of birth, and reinforcing that through talents/abilities/etc can make it almost in-your-face, if you're not careful.

- They are personally tutored in combat by the captain of the guard, magic by the princess of magic, and politics by the princess of love... So from what I'm hearing, he's well rounded in the sense he's good at whatever he does?   (Or at least, the things that matter?) Personally, I'm fond of characters that, If they excel in one area, it's often at the penalty of other areas (ideally, ones that aren't irrelevant or downplayed heavily). 

- Despite being young and completely unknown to war and actual combat... he completely excels, even to the point of earning the ire of the primary big bad? There's a cautionary bit I heard... I can't remember exactly what it was from, but it had to do with the antagonist obsessing over the protagonist unreasonably, or making things between them more personal than might be natural. While it doesn't strike me as obsession, I still found myself asking why wouldn't they be more concerned with Celestia, Luna, Twilight, the captain of the guard, Princess Cadence, or the other armies/commanders about.   I feel they'd be the larger threat?

- Also, if the hero really is a powerful individual, why wouldn't he be asked to stay and help keep things at bay here? It sounded like he did well by distracting the big bad who was causing issues at the very moment he needed to be stalled--why not send, say, Spike, who would be more recognizable to past ponies, rather than a pony who wasn't born yet, and therefore was completely unknown?  I'm not saying he isn't a good choice for going back, but I didn't really get the full reasoning that lead up to him being chosen, because as-is it comes off just a tad as "because he's the main character."

 

Anyways. I don't have an issue with a prince protagonist, nor being related to canon characters while set in the future. I don't even really hold anything against them being chosen to travel back among all others, or carry on this mission of saving all of Equestria personally. However, from what I've read I think some work and polish would be well spent to make them more relatable.  And ideally, maybe dial back their importance and skill to something closer to a normal (or just gifted) pony. I've seen quite a few MLP stories floating about centered on a powerful main character who is important, and skilled, and beloved, and... after awhile you start looking for quirks, believable faults, and refreshing ways to bring life to characters instead of all that. Hopes, dreams, vices, failures, successes, wants, weaknesses, regrets... those things are interesting, and make for characters with a good dose of 'life'. 

 

I don't mean for this to be discouraging, honest.   Writing, planning, and all that are really great things, and I love to see more people attempting it. I do think some revision would be a plus perhaps, but I think it's more just about finding different ways to work with ideas and presentation. And hey, if you disagree with any of the points I brought up, that's fair. I'm biased by my own experiences/preferences, so what bothers me may not bother someone else.

 

I wish you the best! 

[Star Saber 114]

@@SFyr, Thank you for the input, I can definitely see some kinda cliche aspects of the backstory. Also while it covers what happens to Saber it doesn't really tell much about WHO Saber is personality wise; so it's definitely lacking in that regard. I could see changing his first encounter with Trance to something more of an unlucky chance counter rather than Trance seeking him out personally. Although it's completely in Trance's personalty to become overly fixated with antagonizing certain individuals, and I definitely wanted there to be some history between the two; the "I killed your daddy" angle works well for that though.

 

With him learning those various things from notable characters, I made those decisions since they made sense to me. As heir, Cadance would want him to have an idea of what ruling would be like. With Equestria's history of having big-bads show up, Shining would at least want his son to be able to defend himself and I don't think you could stop Twilight from teaching her nephew magic.

 

As for sending Saber back in time vs. someone like Spike; Spike doesn't seem like much of a warrior, so he wouldn't have engaged the Vile to the same manner so Saber has the benefit of tactical knowledge that could be used. Also the plan was a sort of last ditch effort "We've lost so let's cheat and change the past" kind of plan so... send your best?

 

In Saber's defense, I originally created him for an RP that wanted specifically a son of Shining Armor and Cadance to fulfill a large role in the story and well... I liked him so I kept him after the RP tanked.

 

Again this doesn't describe the kind of pony Star Saber so you don't really get a good sense of his qualities; I mean he's impulsive and unnecessarily shoulders emotional burdens on himself for two negative qualities.

 

Again, thank you for your input it does give me some things to think on.

[SFyr 1,982]

@@Star Saber, yeah, I think a lot of my issues stemmed less from who he was, and just how important he became. 

And while yes, it would make sense to be taught politics, combat, and magic to a degree, to me it doesn't make sense to be amazing at all three.

Twilight is the element of magic, and it clicks with her personality--she takes studying as an approach to life, sweats every detail, and exists in a world of lists, written thoughts, and planning. This lends pretty well to practicing spells, and mentally preparing for the intricate workings thereof. She's not good at physical aspects of things from what I've seen, nor is she experienced in politics, but she's decent enough.

Shining Armor is loyal, brave, and a natural protector/older brother. His magic (as far as I can tell) is only amazing in one aspect, being creating massive shields. He could be great at other things, as well as charismatic, but his personality clicks best with being protective. He doesn't have Twilight's versatility with magic, and (I think it's related) he doesn't have her consumingly studious or academic nature. His most notable spell matches his talent and disposition.

Cadence is pretty much centered on interpersonal communication from what I can tell. She seems to be big on seeking out the happiness in others, and helping them find it themselves. Even her bit on being a babysitter speaks of her love for relationships and communication to me. It'd make sense for her to be good at politics, or at least communicating with her subjects and fostering a good princess-to-commoner relationship. But, I haven't seen her show notable talent at combat, nor want to do harm, as she seemed pretty peaceful overall. No idea about her spell ability, but she doesn't seem the type to focus heavily on it.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say with all that is, it makes sense for him to be taught all that, but it doesn't make sense to me if he's legitimately good at all of it, especially if he's still just fifteen or so years old? Being impulsive and a little questionable about knowing when things aren't his fault and are, kinda strikes me as bad for politics if nothing else, and makes me wonder if he's too impatient for more intricate magic. A person who leaps before they look isn't likely to be the same person who holds their tongue when their pride is hurt, or the type to spend their free time planning and studying something tedious for future use. Impulsiveness speaks instead of wanting action rather than planning, and allowing emotion and their personal feelings/thoughts to take precedent over finding a "best possible course of action."

Faults make people/ponies interesting (and relatable), but they're solidified to a reader by their consequences.   On the flip side, strengths are also a great thing to have, especially when they flow naturally from personality traits -> strengths -> successes or new doors opened to them. Characters generally need strengths, and from what I gather, he is at the very least passionate/active, which means he may be braver than some, and quick to jump to the defense of those around him. And also a bit idealistic, perhaps, which would be great for a lone adventurer of sorts, I think. 

 

And while yes, Spike isn't a warrior, it seems like the job is largely for a messenger... But I'll concede the point that some tactics would be great to have. Someone who's fought an enemy would probably be a notable plus for a defensive measure, but I think simple a warning of what and when things are coming is the most important thing to get across. The princesses are likely going to be the backbone of the defense effort regardless of who goes. However... Tactics seems like something that speaks of experience working as part of a unit, directing or receiving directions, anticipating the enemy, and planning for numerous scenarios. If it was football, a tactician would be the coach or maybe quarterback. I'm not sure what Star Saber's role has been in combat, or how long he's been fighting them for? Has he been the type to go off on his own, or fight alongside his fellow ponies and working under the directions of a leader type?

 

Anyways, knowing a little more about his personality was great. And, I think the change regarding Trance to what you were talking about, or even just mixing the two options, would be a notable plus that'd help it feel more natural.   And yeah, killing his father, while not unique, is a pretty great motivation to hate someone and take up a personal grudge over.   If you need some bad blood between the big bad and him, I think it should work fine. I also think there'd be some interesting reactions between him and his parents--back before he was born.  Especially if one died right in front of him, and neither remember/know him.

Edited June 7, 2015 by SFyr

[Star Saber 114]

@@SFyr, By the time Saber goes back in time he's 19 years old so he'd been fighting for the last 4 years of his life. Also I didn't really intend for him to come off as if having mastered all that he was taught just that he was taught; a mistake on my part. He would've done best learning with Shining Armor and moderately alright when it came to spells under Twilight, his weak area of study definitely would've been politics and public relations with his mother, mostly because he would consider it 'boring'.

 

Thinking more on Trance's bit with killing Shining Armor, it would make more sense if he intended to go after Shining Armor from the beginning and Saber ended up being used by Trance to get Shining Armor in a compromising situation. I imagine that little exchange being something similar to -this-