Coco (Original Song - Demo)

[Golden Star 149]

So I've been recording and posting song covers on my YouTube channel for a little while now, and now I've written and uploaded my first original Pony song, and it's a tribute to the lovely Coco Pommel. I acknowledge that my singing voice and guitar playing could still use some work, but I'm still quite pleased with how it turned out and hope you all like it too. 

 

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,809]

Would you like some feedback on this?

[Golden Star 149]

30 minutes ago, C. Thunder Dash said:

Would you like some feedback on this?

Yes please, I am very open to feedback, including constructive criticism. 

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,809]

Okay, hold on tight, because here it comes. 

First off, the pacing of this song is a little off. It feels too fast. I would slow it down from 120 to about 108 and use a semi-fingerstyle guitar style. Coco Pommel works in fashion, which requires precision and beauty. With fingerstyle, you can represent the beauty and the technical demands of being a fashionista assistant like Coco. In terms of the progression, I would add a IV (and even a ii) before you hit the V chord. This way, you'll have I-vi-IV-I or I-vi-ii-V. You can even double up and put both chords in the progression to make I-vi-IV-ii-V. If you're gonna use the IV and ii together, you have to play them to a quarter beat. For the line the leads to the chorus, take your time. It's too rushed. Hold out "Ms Pommel" on half beats on the V chord, then play a bar with the V7 chord as you sing the pickup on "Cos' the city..." If you want a little more energy on the chorus, you could do a softer choke strum. For the "do, do-do..." part, I see you did do a I-vi-ii-V progression, which is good, but if you're gonna go back to the original I-IV-V, try adding a V7 as the last chord in the progression because you will have a smooth transition to the next verse. 

Second...your voice. You really need to work on control. Your singing was way too loud and boisterous for this style that it made the song come across as very cheesy. The best type of voice that would fit this song is a medium R&B type of voice, one that is calm and collected, with a touch of airiness to give it that gentle romantic feel. Breath control is the big key factor to getting this type of voice, because if you don't regulate how much air you release as you sing, you'll run out of air...and with a voice like yours, you really need to focus on control. With control, you'll also be able to sing on key and stay on key much easier. If you want a tutorial on how to achieve this, feel free to hit me up on Discord and we could go over some basic vocal techniques. (I could even let you in on some secret techniques.)

Finally...your lyrics. This is gonna be huge. Sadly, your lyrics are very cheesy. They are too cliche and use too many colloquial phrases. This is why love songs are the absolute hardest to write, because there are many ways to say "I love you", but a lot of songwriters have already used the majority of ways to say it in the way that doesn't come across as cheesy. The best way to write a love song for a specific character is to associate what they do with the love song. Coco Pommel works in the fashion department, so think about phrases you can use that relate. Similes and metaphors come in huge handy. Nonetheless, be careful, for similes and metaphors can roll off as cheesy. I saw a couple of lines relating to what she does, specifically:

There is nothing you could ever design

That would fail to make a pony look and feel divine

Yes these lines relate to Coco's career, but look deeper. Look beyond the concrete. Think about how Coco Pommel affects you and relate that to her career. Maybe her voice is as gentle as velvet or something like that. 

 

Overall, this song sadly needs a ton of work. The best place to start would be a revamp of the lyrics. Then, work on your voice, specifically, learning how to control your voice to get the proper feeling for the song. Finally, work on getting the right feeling for the song, putting everything together to create a love song for Coco Pommel. 

Please don't be discouraged by my deep critique, for no one's perfect, but we can strive to be the best we can be.