A scene from my fanfiction (Need advice)

[TheUnknownPhantom5 68]

Hey guys, so I'm going to share with you a 

scene from the fanfiction I've been promoting. This scene takes place during the crusader feud I takled about where I asked you to pick a side. It's also ment to show how the fight affects Apple Bloom. Anyways here's the scene, please give me feedback on how it is, and if there's anything wrong with it then please tell me what it is.

Apple Bloom sat at a booth in Sugarcube Corner with Diamond Tiara, Silverspoon, Toola Roola, and Coconut Cream. Things had been rough the past few weeks with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo constantly fighting ever since Scootaloo didn’t show up to Sweetie Belle’s anniversary hangout to instead hangout with her cousin Bradford whom she hadn’t seen for six years. Apple Bloom had tried everything to get them to see reason, but all her efforts failed. To make matters even worse for her, both Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo want Apple Bloom to take their side, and not the others. It’s been really stressful for her.

“Apple Bloom, are you okay”? Diamond Tiara asked. Apple Bloom looked up at the filly who used to always pick on her, now a close and dear friend Diamond Tiara had been the main one to help Apple Bloom through this.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just thinking that, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and I have been for so long, and I know I shouldn’t be thinking about them now, but I just can’t accept that it all might be over, especially after everything we’ve been through.” Apple Bloom admitted. Silverspoon gave Apple Bloom a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry, they’ll come around, and all of you will be friends again”. She stated.

“Are you sure”? Apple Bloom asked.

“Definitely, and plus you always have us, and your family”. Toola Roola stated. Apple Bloom smiled.

“Thanks, you guys I don’t know what I’d do without”. Apple Bloom suddenly stopped before she could finish. She started to shake, and quiver, her lips started trembling.

“Apple Bloom, what’s wrong”? Coconut Cream asked. Apple Bloom could only point a quivering hoof in the direction behind them. The others looked, and instantly saw what made Apple Bloom so scared. There standing at one end of Sugarcube Corner was Scootaloo, and at the other was Sweetie Belle. From the looks of things neither of them had seen each other yet, but everyone knew that when they did it would be a disaster. Apple Bloom herself was in the middle of a massive panic attack. She was hyperventilating, having trouble breathing, and even felt like she was going to throw up. Diamond Tiara, Silverspoon, and Coconut Cream immediately began to comfort Apple Bloom.

“They’re gonna fight, they’re gonna fight, they’re gonna fight”! Apple Bloom kept saying as she Toola Roola went to get Mrs. Cake. Diamond Tiara meanwhile began to try and reassure Apple Bloom that everything would be alright.

“Shh, you’re safe, you’re with ponies who care about you”. She said, just as Mrs. Cake came up to them.

“It’s okay, I’ll take you to the back room”. Mrs. Cake said. She then took Apple Bloom to the back room where Pinkie Pie was with a worried expression on her face. As soon as Mrs. Cake left Pinkie Pie went up to Apple Bloom, and pulled her into a tight, yet gentle hug, and not a moment too soon, because as soon as Pinkie hugged Apple Bloom the shouting began.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE”! Both Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo shouted at each other. Pinkie Pie used her hooves to cover Apple Bloom’s ears while the young filly buried her face into Pinkie Pie’s chest.

“This is a public place so I’m allowed to be here”. Said Scootaloo.

“So am I, but I’m here for a reason”. Sweetie Belle retorted.

“Oh yeah, and what’s that”. Scootaloo asked angrily.

The party, in manehatten is this weekend, and Apple Bloom, and I are going together. Sweetie Belle answered smugly.

“Ha”! Laughed Scootaloo. “I think you have it wrong, because she’s going with me”!

“Is not”! Yelled Sweetie Belle.

“Is too”! Yelled Scootaloo.

The two of them glared at each other, it looked as though things were going to get physical until they saw Diamond Tiara,and the others. Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo both went up, and began talking at once.

“SHUT UP”! Diamond Tiara shouted. That got them to stop.

“Have you seen Apple Bloom”. They both said before again glaring at each other.

“No”. All four of them said.

Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo both looked down, and began to walk out, no longer wanting to deal with each other, but then Scootaloo spotted something.

“Hey, that’s Apple Bloom’s sketchbook”! She snapped.

Diamond Tiara, Silverspoon, Coconut Cream, and Toola Roola all gasped. In their rush to get Apple Bloom away from the violence, they forgot to hide her sketchbook, and now both Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were glaring at the four other filles.

“Where is she?”. Scootaloo asked menacingly”.

“We don’t know”? Toola Roola tried to lie, but Scootaloo was having none of it.

“THAT’S HER SKETCHBOOK, NOW WHERE THE HELL IS SHE”! She shouted. It was then both Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo looked at the door to the back room. Immediately they rushed towards it and burst inside, and sure enough, there was Apple Bloom who had been completely startled by their entrance.

“Apple Bloom”. Sweetie Belle began to say only for Scootaloo to interrupt.

“There you are, come on I’ve got a whole day planned for us”.

“Excuse me she’s going with me”. Sweetie Belle said.

“No she’s not”. Scootaloo said as she grabbed one of Apple Bloom’s hooves.

“Yes she is”. Sweetie Belle said, grabbing the other hoof. Soon both of them began to tug and pull on Apple Bloom who began to scream out in agony.

“Stop, please you’re hurting me”! She yelled out, but neither Sweetie Belle or Scootaloo listened. Just then Pinkie Pie, who had left to get Apple Bloom a cupcake returned to see the chaos going on, just as Diamond Tiara, Silverspoon, Toola Roola, and Coconut Cream came in as well.

:Hey let her go”! Pinkie Pie yelled. However Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo still didn’t let go and they were shouting profanities at each other. Finally Apple Bloom had enough.

“STOP”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She screamed. That made Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo both stop and drop Apple Bloom who then began to speak to both of them.

“I’m not going with either of you, You’re both being cruel, and mean to each other. It was just a mistake, get over it”! She said sternly. For a while Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo both stared at Apple Bloom. Then Scootaloo’s face turned from shock to anger, and without warning she slapped Apple Bloom hard in the face sending the earth pony filly into the floor. Instantly Diamond Tiara. Silverspoon, Toola Roola, and Coconut Cream moved in front of Apple Bloom to protect her. Diamond,and Scoots glaring at each other, before Diamond Tiara coldy said.

“Get away from her”.

Scootaloo, deciding she was done, stormed out of the cafe. Sweetie Belle hung back for a few minutes. Her eyes locked with Apple Bloom’s. Then she said,

“If you’re gonna cry about your problems, then go cry to your parents. Oh wait, that’s right you can’t because your parents are dead”! She sneered. Everyone gasped as Sweetie Belle walked away laughing smugly, and all Apple Bloom could do, was cry as the others began to comfort her.

So there's the scene. Please tell me what you think, and if there's anything wrong with it.

[Brony Number 42 10,069]

Punctuation goes inside of a quote, like "hello!" Not "hello"!

There are also some other comma fixes that needed, but I don't have the time right now to help more. Sorry. Maybe next week I will have more time. But keep writing.

[TheUnknownPhantom5 68]

29 minutes ago, Thankful Brony 42 said:

Punctuation goes inside of a quote, like "hello!" Not "hello"!

There are also some other comma fixes that needed, but I don't have the time right now to help more. Sorry. Maybe next week I will have more time. But keep writing.

Thanks. But What about Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo's behavior in this?

[Brony Number 42 10,069]

It seems way out of character for any of them to be that mad or mean.

[Evil Pink One 13,506]

make a plot twist that they smelled a flower that makes them mad. like the "poison joke" except its named "poisoned hope."