writing The Decent

[Lightning Bolt 65]

i havent really written anything before except for some short stories so i dont know much about writing. i was wondering if you guys could look over it and give me some advice or any tips. anyways here is some of what i have written so far.

 

As I awoke I felt as if something wasn't quite right. An odd itching sensation on the back of my neck was starting to bother me. When I moved my arm to scratch it, I realized that I didn't. I couldn't move, nor could I turn my head to see my surroundings. All I could see was a vast darkness and in the middle of that darkness was a bright light. I looked closer at it and it was a pair of lights that seemed to be getting closer. As they did I noticed that the darkness I was in was a subway tunnel. Which meant that those lights weren't lights, but a subway train. I tried to move, but the only thing I could do was stare at my demise as it ruthlessly screeched ever closer to trample me. That itching at the back of my neck, soon became the warm breath of someone or something. I couldn't tell because I still couldn't fucking move. The scariest part of this whole situation was that I couldn't see what was behind me because if I saw it I would at least know who or what it was. Instead I was given nothing. I only had my thoughts. It began to talk to me, I concluded it wasn't human because before it began to talk it made a horrifying shrieking noise that was anything but human. It said in a demonic yet playful voice, " Hello there James. Nice to see you again. What am I saying, you've never met me. Oh, but I have been watching you ever so closely. " It started to laugh. The train was getting closer, by now I only wished for it to end this nightmare. It began to talk again, " Oh, I see you've noticed the train. Don't worry about it, let me just .... well .... slow things down a bit. " It began laughing again, but then there was a blood red glow coming from behind me. Then a bright flash of light. I saw that the train had stopped. More laughing came from behind, I couldn't tell if was male or female because it's voice was more like voices. Several different tones and accents switching on and off. It put its hand on my shoulder, I couldn't see it, but I could sure as hell feel it. It was rough, slimy, freezing cold, and worst of it all was that it wasn't just a hand. It felt as if some parts of it had gaps in-between. It also had eight separate fingers, well not fingers. Some of them were sharp claws, others felt like they were slithering, and I think one or two of them had suction cups. The damn thing began talking again, " Silly of me I forgot to introduce myself. I am a man of many faces and voices, some call me the tormenter, others call me the eater of souls, but you can call me .... let me think .... ahhh yes, call me Scott! " He began laughing and said happily, " Oooh, isn't this just so much fun! Were practically pals now. James is it okay if I call you Jimmy? " Of course I couldn't respond. I could only think, think of what that horrible thing, Scott would do to me. Its hand lifted off my shoulder and he gave me a gentle slap to the cheek. Afterwards he said, " Its official then! I'll call you Jimmy pal. Sadly I must go. Don't worry though, I'll be seeing you again soon. Now then, I got a train to catch. " Scott was gone, all was quiet. Then a booming laugh echoed further in the tunnels. I thought of what he said, " I got a train to catch. " All of a sudden the subway train in the distance screeched back to life. This time going faster than it seemed to be going before. I could only watch. When the train hit me I woke up screaming on my bed.

[jeanne 5]

Overall a good start.

 

Your writing style has many small pronouns which can be reduced. For example:

 

"The scariest part of this whole situation was that I couldn't see what was behind me" original

"The scariest part of this whole situation was being unable to see behind me" suggested

 

"It was rough, slimy, freezing cold, and worst of it all was that it wasn't just a hand" original

"The feeling was rough, slimy, freezing cold, nothing like a human hand" suggested