Ancient Rivals

[ToridAkbolto 170]

I've started on a much longer fanfic than I usually write. This one will be updated as frequently as I can make it. However I'm not sure whether it's entertaining enough. Would anypony be so kind as to review it? 

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/70139/ancient-rivals

 

Any criticisms I can work with would be appreciated. Sorry about having no cover art, I'm not much of an artist. 

[Silverwisp the Bard 2,353]

Its a very cool concept, you got here.Two things though:

-"Malady" sounds a bit too close to "My Lady" to be threatening, maybe change that

-There are some minor issues with your writing style and minor breaks with established in-universe rules. These can be solved by just rereading your work and constantly asking  yourselve: "Can I improve this sentence, do these words fit the situation" ect.

I made some footnotes for the first chapter to illustrate.

 

 

 

 

“A raised moon, a new night, and more nightmares to treat” Princess Luna thought to herself, standing at the edge of her bedroom window and gazing over the land. Her ghostly blue mane

Luna knows what her mane looks like, no need to describe billowed out behind her, lifted by the cool night breeze she had become so accustomed with The manes of the royal sisters are not affected by wind. She took off into the night air from where?, enjoying the feeling of stretching her wings, and hovered in the air for a moment with her eyes shut. Canterlot would be first tonight.

Luna rode the wind, appreciating the clear night sky she had requested from the weather team why, she could easily clear it herself. She turned her gaze to the city immediately beneath her. By now, most of the ponies would be well into their dreams. Sure enough, the thin slivers of  wisp-like material of dreams, invisible to the untrained eye all eyes but her own, drifted up from the ground below. She began scouting around for the angry red wisps of faint light that would signify nightmares. Luckily, all of the dreams around Canterlot were of calm gold, so she moved on to Ponyville.

Nothing much seemed to be going on here, either. Was she done already? What about the rest of Equestria? It would be better to double-check. Many ponies here had done a great service to the Canterlot Royal Family, the least she could do was ensure their good sleep. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a very faint red wisp of dream seeping out of the Ponyville Library, previously concealed by the branches. If matter conceals dream, it would be near ipposible to find any in city enviroments Luna twirled around, swirling the wisp of nightmare with her wings and feeling its essence. This one was a pretty bad one, full of worry and loss.

Luna dove downward into the dream, projecting her spirit, thoughts, and magic into the wisp. She manifested herself as the moon in this dreamworld nice idea, but needs clarification, is it nighttime in the dream?, deciding to stay in that form for a moment to observe her surroundings. She was in Ponyville, that much was for sure. It was definitely Twilight Sparkle’s dream, evidenced by the enormous school and triple-size library. Aside from that, everything else appeared roughly as it did in reality. Looking around, Luna could spot the town hall, Sweet Apple Acres, and the Ponyville Library. The Library was most likely the cause of the problem, as it was one of the only two places where a nightmare so large would contain itself.

Riding down in a beam of moonlight, she reached the ground just in time to see a rampaging fire monster tear its way out of the library and trudge towards the town hall. “Stop him!”Twilight screamed, galloping towards Luna. “But please, be careful not to damage what he’s carrying.”

Luna studied the monster carefully. Although the heat from the flames was distorting the air, she could barely make out a dragon-like shape. It clutched a cardboard box in its arms. Fortunately, it seemed like whatever type of cardboard this dream box was, it was fireproof. Dream logic would stand that although water would be the easiest way to take down the fire monster, water would also damage the box. There had to be another way to take down this dragon… Wait. Dragon?

“Spike?” Luna called. The fire monster stopped and turned. So it seemed that somehow, the baby dragon had transformed into a golem golem iplies humanoid form, maybe spirit?of flame. “What happened to Spike, Twilight?” Luna asked.

“I was testing a new spell that was supposed to make his fire larger, and… I guess I messed up. When Spike tried it out, it worked at first. The fire grew larger, and larger, but then it just wouldn’t stop! It burned down a bookshelf and I told him to hold it in while I tried to stop it. Then I tried every spell I knew and… That happened.” Twilight covered her horn with her hooves and cradled her head.

The fire monster that was once Spike had set fire to many of the surrounding buildings by now. Luna could almost feel the flames scorching her mane again, magical mane, Celestia's wasn't affected, even after being hit by Chrysalis. There wasn’t much any time to lose. “Twilight Sparkle. Thou art afraid of thy own talent. Thy magic be powerful, but thyself full of doubt. We have witnessed thy strength, judgement and skill. Concentrate, and try once more.” Luna has dropped the Royal Canterlot voice. Make her sound a bit formal, but not antiquated.

Twilight closed her eyes, focusing hard. A spark came out of her horn and fizzled. “Try harder!” Luna screamed urged. “Quickly!”
A wave of magic resonated from Twilight’s horn, extinguishing all of the houses and returning Spike to his original form, clawing in the air for a moment before falling to the ground. “Sorry Twilight, I guess I kinda lost control there. I don’t know what came over me. Your books were all destroyed.”

Twilight ran over and hugged Spike. “Forget about the books. I was afraid I’d lost you, and destroyed all of Ponyville. Books can be replaced. Friends cannot.” She opened up the cardboard box that the monstrous Spike had been carrying and fished out its contents. Among the childhood memorabilia, quills, and scrolls, there was an old, leather-bound book full of her old letters to Princess Celestia, pictures of her friends, and a fragment of eggshell from Spike’s hatching. Luna has no way of knowing the details

Luna smiled, wiped the sweat off her brow, and yawned, exiting the dream before she intruded on any of Twilight’s personal memories. The only nightmare in Ponyville had been taken care of. It was time to patrol the other cities. Luna flew off in the direction of Cloudsdale, soaring over plains, rivers, and forest, until something below caught her eye.

There was something odd drifting in the air, a dream wisp, but from a cave? Luna had never seen anything like it. in 1000+ years of ruling Equestria, there has never been a pony dreaming in a cave? Surely a cave would have a dragon in it, yet this dream was clearly from a pony. Did somepony need help? She decided to investigate.

Her hooves landed gently on the gravel and she entered the cave, lighting up the darkness with her horn. It was a surprisingly clean cave, free of spiders, bears, and debris. It even looked like somepony had organized the stalagmites in order of increasing size so, broken of the ground and put in a row? . Luna headed farther inside, following the dream.

There was a faint light coming from around the bend. “Hello?” Luna whispered. “Is anypony there?” why? she must assume there is only the sleeper inside There was no response. She poked her head around the corner. The silhouette of a pony, presumably a mare why?, could be seen sleeping beside a very dim light source. As Luna watched, the golden wisp of a happy dream turned deep, crimson red. She quickly dove into the dream to help.

Luna landed in a cave, similar to the one she left. She saw a pony sleeping there, similar to the one she was going to help, in the same position, by the same dim light source. But she was in a dream. What kind of a nightmare was this? There was no impending doom, no strife. In fact the figure looked perfectly content, just napping.

Luna walked over and poked the figure. “Excuse us, but thou art having a nightmare.” The figure slumped over and its head fell off. It was only a dummy. Luna backpedaled, mind reeling. That was definitely a dream wisp, and this was definitely a dream she had entered. The cave wall closed in behind her as she turned to leave, as if to prove the false reality of the dream world. All that was left was the mysterious light source.

It was a slightly glowing red crystal ball. As Luna peered into it, a face appeared that she had not seen in many, many years description?. “Salutations my dearest Princess Luna,” the face spoke. “I take it you believe yourself to be helping some pony in a cave somewhere with her nightmare? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Whatever happened to ‘Nighttime Eternal’? Or was that just one big letdown, like everything else you tried to do?”

Luna glared at the ball. “Where art thou hiding? We will show thee how much of a letdown our actions can be!” Her horn glowed and blasted the crystal ball, which absorbed it without showing any sign of harm.

“Careful, Luna, or you might break it, and then you’ll be all alone in here forever and ever. You know enough about dreams to know that this is my world, and therefore, I can decide the rules. It might intrigue you to know that I am not actually asleep, so I can hold you here indefinitely while I go… tend about to matters.” The pony face continued. “It’s nice, having absolute power, even if it is limited to this world in my thoughts. Absolute power that no meddling alicorn sisters could ever STEAL from me.” The ball glowed flashed bright red. “Ahem, sorry. I lost control a little there.”

“Thou art still a rambler, Malady.” Luna snorted. “Now release us and we might make it hurt less when we turn thee into stone.”
The face in the ball looked amused. “You really think that you could make a difference to my plans? Of course I had already factored in your meddling and ruled it negligible. Let’s just say I harbor a bit of a grudge and would love it if you could watch while I destroy everything you’ve grown to love.” The face faded.
Luna stomped on the ground with her hooves, but the ground did not give. “Malady! Thou shall pay for this!” She shouted at nothing in particular, then settled down and thought of a spell strong enough for escape. Nothing came up. For the first time since she had returned to Equestria, Luna was once again exiled.

Princess Celestia turned in her sleep and woke up. Something was wrong, but she couldn’t quite place it. She got out of her bed and walked across the room, opening the window to get some fresh air. The pale glow of the moon illuminated her kingdom. All of a sudden, it made sense. She couldn’t feel her bond with her sister, something that had slowly grown back ever since Luna’s return from the moon.

There were still a few hours before daybreak, but the night shift guards would still be up. Celestia opened the doors to her royal bedroom and galloped down the hall at full speed, grabbing the first guard by the shoulder. “Get me in contact with Shining Armor and the Royal Elite. There is something amiss, and I don’t know how big this problem is going to become.” She paused for a minute. “And bring me a scroll and quill. There is a letter that I must write.” The guard ran off as two more guards came in through the side hall.

“What seems to be the problem, your highness?” One of them asked. Celestia turned, facing them in the dim light.

“I have lost my connection with Princess Luna. Not very many ponies have the strength nor the cunning to hold her against her will. Is Discord still stone?” The guards nodded how does he know?. “Have there been any sightings of King Sombra?” The guards shook their heads.

“Nothing has happened since Luna left for her nightly duties, your highness.” They responded. Troubling news. Celestia paced back and forth for a good fifteen minutes. This was a slow guard. Finally, the first guard galloped back, clutching several scrolls, quills, and a birdcage containing Philomena the phoenix.

“Everything you requested, your highness.” He panted, dropping off the items. “I had to get the scrolls from the basement; we were out.” He slumped down on a nearby sofa. Celestia levitated a quill, inked it, and began writing.

“Shining Armor, it pains me to have to request this of you, but the Crystal Empire should be safe for now. Canterlot needs your help. Return immediately.” Philomena engulfed the letter in flame, sending it to its destination. Celestia took out another scroll and began writing.

“My dearest student, I-” Philomena squawked and clawed at her cage frantically. Something was deeply troubling her. Celestia flipped open the latch to allow the phoenix to sit on her shoulder.

Philomena flew past her and out a nearby open window. “What has gotten into that bird?” Celestia wondered, turning back to her letter. (But the two guards that had remained beside her the entire time were changing. Spikes erupted from their legs and their color faded to black. They stared at each other briefly in a moment of unspoken communication, and jumped Princess Celestia while her back was turned.) Change of perspective comes a bit quick. Either have her turn around and realize the change (too late) or change to a guards point of view)

Bright flashes of magic lit up the halls. Five more guards rushed over to the source of the magic to investigate, but all they could find were an empty birdcage, an unfinished letter, and one of the new recruits asleep on a couch.

There was no Princess of the Night. There was no Princess of the Day they don't know that, only that Celestia is not in the hall. The only other member of the royal family in the castle was a prince, but a powerless buffoon. There was something coming up on the horizon, something the guards had seen a thousand times, yet this particular time, it left their jaws gaping in disbelief. For despite the absence of the Royal Family, the sun was rising. They were startled out of their trance by a knock on the castle door.