A FlutterDash fanfic

[DimmuBorgir666 1]

This is a story I wrote when I got bored late one night. Don't worry, nothing weird in it unless you don't like same sex relationships, to which I say: love and tolerance. If I could get some critisism on my writing, that'd be great! I also posted it on Fanfiction.net.

 

MLP fanfic.txt

[Windwaker 194]

DAWWWWWW! That's so cute! Especially the ending! I would give this a rating of 4/5! Keep up the good work! And write more fanfics to get better!

[Prof. Yana 16]

Okay, first things first, it's an interesting concept. Another thing is that you should always start a new paragraph when a new character speaks. It honestly at times left me guessing as to who was talking. That leads me into my next point, which is that their voices didn't always sound like they were talking. Here's an example of something that Dash said:

 

"Oh no Shy! You're no where near at fault for any wrong doing!"

 

I just don't feel like Dash would say that. Also, in that sentence 'no where' should be 'nowhere.' And 'Oh no Shy!' should be 'Oh no, Shy!' Anyway, I feel like Dash would say:

 

"Oh no, Shy! It's not your fault! Or anypony's fault!

 

These issues are present throughout the story, but they can be fixed.

 

Anyway, other than that, there are some pacing issues, and characterization as well. The whole incident just felt like a casual conversation to me. I mean, I know that it was supposed to be emotional, but I just couldn't feel it. Fluttershy might be a bit more anxious about finding those things in the box, and Dash might not admit why she had them so readily.

 

As I said, the concept is interesting, but we need to be more invested in the situation and the characters need to be more believable. If you had spent more time leading up to Fluttershy... I guess you could say breaking into Dash's house, along with more time foreshadowing Rainbow's suicidal thoughts and Fluttershy's feelings towards Rainbow, it could have been a lot better. Also, was this a romantic story? Because at the end, I couldn't tell if they were saying "I love you" as a friend or as something more. And when it says Fluttershy kissed Rainbow, I couldn't tell if it was on the cheek or on the lips. I'm gonna guess on the lips. Anyway, I'm rambling here.

 

There were some grammatical issues as well. "Ponys" should be "Ponies." There were a few others, but that stuck out. To me, at least.

 

Also, why was the box sitting on Dash's bed? Was she planning to use it? I think she would keep it under her bed or in a drawer or something.

 

Anyway, there's not much more I can say. It is an interesting idea, but it could have been better if you fleshed it out a bit. Also, some of what I said may be biased, because TwiDash is my favorite ship, and I don't find anything else quite as believable. But I tried not to be too biased.

Edited March 3, 2013 by Prof. Yana