Can somepony give me some feedback on these ideas?

[Dreadmallon 353]

So after some closure on what I believe to be good ideas for fanfictions, I want to hear your response, as my main goal is to appease you readers out there. Keep in mind these are general, broad ideas thus far.

 

So, this is practically the format:

 

#1 - Mysteries of the Night - When a new, mysterious thief breaks into the Mane 6's homes and steals the Elements of Harmony, the Mane 6 must find him and stop him. It is revealed that the thief had prior communications with a weakened Queen Chrysalis, and is getting the Elements for her. However, it appears that he is not under mind-control. However, he is betrayed, and is weakened by Chrysalis' magic. The Mane 6 finally find the thief standing toe-to-toe with Chrysalis, with the Elements in her grasp. As changelings begin to flood the area, the thief and Mane 6 form a truce to fight them off. This conflict ends with an escaped Chrysalis, and an armored stallion holding the Elements. He takes off, revealing his name to be "New Moon." Following this are two concluding scenes involving Twilight trying to look up information on New Moon, whilst the other is New Moon showing the Elements to his superior.

 

#2 - No name as of yet - This is the first of a trilogy that takes place about three months after the previous fanfiction. It starts off from the perspective of a young, unicorn filly named Dawn (Baby Cakes<Dawn<CMC's in terms of age) being pursued by New Moon. After NM corners her, she releases a large amount of light magic (which is another type of magic; my creation) in panic, blasting New Moon and teleporting herself away. She is teleported to the outskirts of the Everfree Forest, where she is attacked by a rogue Manticore (not related to Manny Roar). She is saved by a noticing Fluttershy, who comically gives the Manticore commands. Dawn and Fluttershy begin to bond, and Fluttershy eventually phases Dawn's seemingly-mute self. She reveals that she was being chased by a "mean pony with a cape," obviously referring to New Moon. Fluttershy reveals this to Twilight, who has been rather "stressed" about losing the Elements to New Moon earlier. She devises a plan to trap New Moon, assuming he'd attack. New Moon does attack, and proves to be quite the adversary to Twilight, as he countered all magic she threw with ease, and actually injures her foreleg. New Moon eventually is overpowered, however, once the rest of the Mane 6 and others get involved.

 

 

#3 - This is more centered around the antagonists. When New Moon is discussing with his leader (here, in his group, New Moon is the youngest and most powerful member, which is why he is typically sent on heist and assault missions; also, here it is discovered that the leader is NM's uncle) on how to get past and defeat the Mane 6 (Dawn and Twilight are also explained to be essential to their plan), New Moon eventually suggests through a difference of appearance. After being told that a brew must be made for such (instead of the changelings who, despite being a more efficient shape-shifter for NM, are now hostile towards them), he hunts down the ingredients (a dragon tooth, a sea serpent hair, and changeling goo). A drawback of the potion is that it has a time limit of two weeks. After the change, he puts on a mask and pretends to be "working" for New Moon through a heist. He is caught, as hoped, and after revealing his (changed) face to Celestia and Twilight, the Mane 6 work to reform him, unaware that he was New Moon. Twilight explains that Dusk (New Moon's real name) was a top student at Canterlot's magic school, and was believed to be dead. Also that she looked up to him and occasionally studied with him prior to becoming Celestia's apprentice. And after actually befriending the Mane 6, and a first-skeptical Dawn (had nightmares about New Moon during Dusk's presence), the two weeks end (also during this time period, Dawn are studying about "The Guardians," an ancient group that were enemies to New Moon's, and protectors of daylight; they also meet some older members who have had their mind erased; also, more of a mother/daughter relationship between Dawn and Fluttershy is formed), and Dusk is transformed into New Moon, as he runs off to find his attire/avoid the Mane 6 seeing his transformation. As he runs, Ponyville is attacked by NM's clan. During the chaos, Twilight gets a glimpse of Dusk transforming as he runs, but before she can say anything, she is captured, along with Dawn.The Mane 6 (5) appear in what seems to be the ruins of Ponyville. Many managed to escape their homes, so luckily there were very few casualties, but nonetheless, Ponyville lied in ruins.

 

NOTE: Although the story seems to suggest romance, there is none in this story. The relationship between Twilight Sparkle and New Moon is more of an older brother/younger sister relationship. If that's hard to believe please give me tips on how to avoid making this seem like romance.

 

#4 - Twilight and Dawn awaken to find themselves in a huge, empty room. That is until the clan starts to appear, with the leader on a balcony. He explains that Dawn must be destroyed, as it is her destiny to revive The Guardians. He then explains that he plans to make the powerful alicorn next to Dawn his apprentice, stating that "New Moon was far too rebellious with his assigned tasks, always trying to play the hero rather than the villain behind my back. Also, you [Twilight] have proven to be far more powerful." Twilight refuses, but before the cult of Nightmare Moon slowly approached them, New Moon appears from the shadows and orders them to stop. Many of the members look at each other in confusion, until the leader gives the signal to continue. They do, but are being attacked by New Moon, now. The leader (in case you haven't noticed, he's "no name" right now lol) gives another signal to attack New Moon. As New Moon is blasted from several angles, the leader shouts through the carnage "How ironic, this is how your Guardian parents died trying to defend you as a colt from my association. It's only fitting you die the same." As New Moon begins to be set aflame, he escapes by barely teleporting the two others out, along with himself. Dawn and Twilight seem to be alright, but they look over and see New Moon, alive, but in a battered, broken heap of iron and a torn cape. He himself is injured, but nonetheless is verbally attacked and questioned by Twilight. New Moon slowly arises, and walks to the locket of his parents that he always kept underneath his "New Moon" gem. As Twilight is yelling at him (translating to his mind as any closure to friendship he'd ever have), New Moon stares at his locket. It shows a slightly damaged image surrounding of silver showing him as a child and his parents. As New Moon finally starts to process the truth, tears start to form in his eyes as he explains how he supposedly "died" (That he was with his parents at age 10, when there was absolute destruction suddenly. He was "rescued" from his uncle, who then raised him into the ranks of his group because of his impressive performance in Canterlot's school. As time flew by, New Moon's sense of right overweighed his sense of wrong, which is what his uncle was referring to earlier, but still committed crimes because it seemed like there was no other way for him to live his life). They quickly gather the Mane 6, and the Guardians they had restored, and attacked the group. New Moon faces off with his uncle, and is thought to have killed both himself and the leader through an explosion. However, it is revealed that New Moon had lived in the epilogue.

 

Sorry for the broad conclusion, I was in a rush, and getting admittedly impatient.

Forgive me, for bumping. However, I really want people's opinions on this. I will take all criticism and advice into account. Just please respond so I can get general feedback.

Edited March 14, 2013 by New Moon