(in progress of updateing) Need critic to read over my story

[Lightning_hooves 25]

Story update

 

 

 

 

It was a average day in equestra with the long warm days and all the ponies in school having fun with their friends and teachers playing games and doing school work

 

Apple bloom ,sweetie bell, and Scootaloo are heading to gym class and on there way Scootaloo brags about how good she is and how much she likes it "yes apple bloom I can go the fastest in the whole class" said Scootaloo " maybe on your scooter" said sweetie bell Scootaloo glares at sweetie bell while the other girls laugh "let's just get to class" moans Scootaloo

 

As they arrive the say hi to there teacher mr.hooves "hi mr. Hooves" says the girls in unison

 

"please girls call me lightning like the rest of the class, mr. Hooves is to formal this is gym" says mr.hooves with a smile the girls smile "ok mr. Hooves oh I mean lightning" said apple bloom with a small laugh. "what are we doing today lightning?" Scootaloo asks excitedly

 

Mr. Hooves says "were going to run the mile today after we stretch." the girls moan then take there spot in the gym with the rest of the class as the bell rings. Lightning says to the class "class, today were running the mile that meas no flying or magic allowed if u get caught cheating you'll restart the whole test over" in reply the whole class moans about the plans

 

As the class lines up to start the mile diamond tiara and silver spoon Can't help but crack a joke on the "cutie mark CRYBABIES" and there blank flanks "since were running everyone can enjoy my cutie mark unlike you dumb blank flanks" says Diamond tiara Scootaloo replies "to see your cutie mark you must first run faster then me" Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

 

Only three laps into the test and Diamond tiara and silver spoon are falling behind and diamond tiara decides it's time she puts all her energy into running and passes Scootaloo who isnt paying to much attention and gets passed. as soon as Diamond tiara passes Scootaloo she uses her magic to break her pearl neckless and all the pearls fall to the ground in front of Scootaloo "watch out" says Diamond tiara in a sneezy tone Scootaloo continues running till she notices she is on pearls and slips and falls.

 

When Scootaloo opens her eyes she is leaning on a wall with a painful headache "what happened?" asked Scootaloo "You triped and fell" says sweetie bell "Diamond tiara and silver spoon cheated she broke her neckless on purpose I saw her do it" says Apple bloom. "No i didn't" lied diamond tiara. Lighting walks up "girls girls calm down there's no reason to fight... Diamond tiara, silver spoon go the the office" says lightning "and Scootaloo are you ok?" "ya I'm fine it's only a bruise at the worst." says Scootaloo. "if you think you're ok you can continue your test but if it hurts to much just take a break." Scootaloo replies "ok lighting but I'm tough like Rainbow Dash" Scootaloo smiles wide Lightning says "hahaha I remember Rainbow Dash she was a great student and of course she set all the school records." Scootaloo smiles and asks "Can I restart my test I want to try to beat her record!" Lightning laughs "if you really want to you can and I'll make you a deal if you beat her record I'll give you enough money to buy lunch with doubles." "of course I'll take that deal" squeals Scootaloo

 

As Scootaloo crosses her last lap finishing her test she checks her time and compares it to Rainbow Dashes. Lightning walks up in time to see Scootaloo's face droop into a small frown. "what's wrong Scootaloo?" asks Lightning Scootaloo replies with a sad tone "I was so close" "so close to what" asks lightning "so close to beating her time... I'm 25 seconds to slow" "well I'll tell you what I'll still give you money for lunch with doubles just for the effort" smiles Lightning Scootaloo squeals with excitement "really that's awesome!" "yup now run along here is your money and stay out of trouble oh and if you train more I'll bet that you can easily beat Rainbow Dash's time" says Lightning "Bye Lightning" says Scootaloo as she gallops away.

 

Scootaloo catches up to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Bell and says "Girls your the best of friends for standing up for me" Apple Bloom says "Hay anything for our best friend right Sweetie Bell?" "Right Apple Bloom" replies Sweetie Bell the girls run off and go to there club house

 

Later that day Scootaloo goes to visit Rainbow Dash to tell her what happened at school. Scootaloo rolls up to Rainbow Dash's house on her scooter and as she walks to the door she thinks how she will bring up that she was close to beating her record or how lightning her gym teacher gave her money to get extra lunch. She got so lost in thought she didn't ce that Rainbow Dash was standing behind her. "hay Scootaloo what's up" asked Rainbow Dash Scootaloo jumps in the air from being scared by Rainbow Dash she turns around while laughing "hi Rainbow Dash I want to tell you how my day went" said Scootaloo. "sure you can tell me while I rub my hooves I'm really tired from practice today" replied Rainbow Dash They entered the house and Scootaloo sat on the couch as Rainbow Dash relaxed on her chair then Scootaloo told Rainbow Dash about what happened during gym Rainbow listened with a smile on her face when Scootaloo was done Rainbow Dash said "good luck beating my time but remember if you beat it I'll go back and beat yours hahaha" "good luck I'll beat your record so much you couldn't even beat it by flying at sonic rainboom speed Hahaha" joked Scootaloo.

 

The girls spend some time joking and having fun. "Rainbow Dash let's go outside and you can help me learn to fly" offers Scootaloo "only If you show me your newest stunt on your scooter" replied Rainbow Dash "you mean show you me backflip 360?" asked Scootaloo "ya that one" says Rainbow Dash "I'll try" replies Scootaloo They set up a ramp and a soft landing of loose straw just incase Scootaloo was to crash in the middle of her stunt. Scootaloo positioned herself for the stunt "be careful" warns Rainbow Dash "I will and don't worry this is easy" replies Scootaloo She starts her scooter up and goes full speed towards the jump as she goes up the jump she feels the scooter cut out for a second and then realizes she forgot to put more gas in her scooter. In a split second she decides that willing out is no a option expecily since her idol is watching. She starts the stunt and just as she gets the flip 360 over the scooter runs out of gas and dies as she lands she slams on the breaks. She stops safely and looks in Rainbow Dash's direction to see her facial reaction then she hears then she hears what she has always wanted to hear "Sccotaloo that was wicked awesome I can't believe you did that that was unbelievable and the landing was perfect!!" Rainbow Dash screams. "thank you but I almost got hurt my scooter ran out of gas on the jump I'm just glad I didn't get hurt" says Scootaloo "oh my gosh that would have been horrible I'm so glad you landed safely" said Rainbow Dash

Edited April 19, 2013 by Lightning_hooves

[Somari Hayabusa 1]

this is good stuff, its really has that beginning that gets the reader revved up for adventure, i really wanna read this nice job bro(ny)

[Pinkamena Dianne Pie 465]

I'll critique if you want me to, but as long as I get to it first and not Gingy, he'll critique that story to death, if that is even possible.

[Lightning_hooves 25]

Sure go ahead id enjoy that because any critic is better then none so criticize away all u want lololololololololololol

[WingMcCallister 368]

There are a lot of grammatical things that need to be poked at in this one. I'm sure this will come up in an official critique, but I'll point a few out in case you can edit beforehand.

 

1. Make sure to keep the capitalization of proper nouns consistent. The names of people ponies (my bad) should always be capitalized.
2. The punctuation around quotation marks is really rough. On the basic level, the general format of quotations looks something like: "How are you?" Wing asked. The imaginary second person replied, "Pretty damn good." I noticed that in your work the quotes just tend to sit without any sort of separation or managing punctuation. This can lead to what I consider poorly constructed sentences, or ones that are just difficult to push through.
3. Personally, I dislike the use of all caps to designate importance in a story. In your case, the display of CRYBABIES doesn't really add a lot. Are they shouting it? Are they sounding snotty? These are things you need to / should explain in the narration. Don't just cap it and leave it up to me / your readers. I'm lazy.
4. Watch there vs. their vs. they're, btw. This happens in at least one spot. 

~Whoosh!

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

 

 

WARNING: VERY LONG POST THAT WILL HELP YOUR WRITING FOLLOWING.  ONLY PROCEED IF YOU WANT TO GET BETTER.

 

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

 

 

 

To be honest, it's difficult reading all of this.  You don't use proper punctuations, capitalization, and there are many other problems that are in your story, such as terrible pacing.  Also, your story revolves around, from what I can tell, a test for 'gym'.  When you write a story, do your best to make it interesting, but in a sense, realistic at the same time.  What do I mean by 'realistic'?  Simple enough.  Just make sure it keeps to the shows own story bits while making it feel natural and it all makes sense. 

 

For instance, there's magic, mythical creatures, and all sorts of things you can use that the reader should understand is already there.  Adding in a B-52 bomber along with a cavalry of khajiit's wielding energy swords and full of NOS might not make a whole lot of sense.  You can make sense of it, but convincing the reader it should be there, while also entertaining them, will be a lot of hard work.

 

You're currently using Cheerilee's school right now and have a gym class going on.  If you remember, there isn't an actual gym.  If you also remember, so far all we have is Cheerilee herself as the sole teacher.  As a reader, we start asking questions about this stuff.  No, most people don't actually ask them, but it still pops up when reading things in the back of their heads.  Here's some things I noticed that you never pointed out in your story.

 

• Where are they doing this test?
• Is it at an actual gym?  Outside?  By a track? 
• Why is there a gym class to begin with?
• Is this even the same schoolyard with Cheerilee?
• Who exactly is this Lightning Hooves?
• Why are they having this test?
• Why is all this important?

 

Some of the questions, like the third one, don't need to be answered so long as believability of the entire scene is helped to move the story along.  We might still question it (since seriously, why do ponies need a gym class?) but it's easy to ignore if you make the scene move in a meaningful manner.  But the last question is quite possibly the most important one.  That is the thing that the reader will want to know.  From the looks of things, this is a Scootaloo centric story where she wants to be the best at a test, then tell Rainbow Dash.  So what are the problems here? 

 

First off, give a reason why this is all important.  Maybe Scootaloo is doing this because Rainbow Dash promised a reward for being the fastest one at the test?  Or maybe she wants to show her that, and feels like not being the fastest would show she's not doing her best.  Those are just some ways to show a reason why this entire story is here, and helping the reader go, "Oh, okay.  So that's why all this is here."

 

Another reason, and this is the biggest problem for you.  You have a tendency of telling, not showing.  What you should have been doing is showing, not telling.  What do I mean by that?  Here's an example.  Your stuff in purple, mine in red.  I will also be showing you the problems in your writing as well.

 

As the class lines up to start the mile diamond tiara and silver spoon Can't help but crack a joke on the "cutie mark CRYBABIES" and there blank flanks "since were running everyone can enjoy my cutie mark unlike you dumb blank flanks" says Diamond tiara Scootaloo replies "to see your cutie mark you must first run faster then me" Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

 

This part right here is very hard to read.  It feels clumped up, like all of this could've been two or three separate parts, maybe even more.  Here's a breakdown on your paragraph split apart.

 

As the class lines up to start the mile diamond tiara and silver spoon Can't help but crack a joke on the "cutie mark CRYBABIES" and there blank flanks "since were running everyone can enjoy my cutie mark unlike you dumb blank flanks" says Diamond tiara Scootaloo replies "to see your cutie mark you must first run faster then me"

 

Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

 

There's two parts here.  One for her talking, one for the act she'll soon commit.  Do you see why it's harder to read now?  Starting with the top line, I'll show you a proper way to write this.

 

As the class lines up to start the mile, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon can't help but crack a joke on the 'cutie mark crybabies' and their blank flanks. "Since we're running, everypony can enjoy my cutie mark, unlike you dumb blank flanks" Diamond Tiara says.

 

"To see your cutie mark, you must first run faster then me," Scootaloo replies.

 

This is a simple fix up.  First, you NEED to capitalize all names.  It's a must.  Second, you need to know when to place the 'X Person Says' in a sentence.  It usually fits best last, and with the character in front of the action.  You also have a problem of contracting words and using the wrong ones.  Were and we're are two different things.  What's contracting?  It's when two words are combined into a new one.

 

We're=We Are

They're=They Are

It's=It is

 

And make sure you use the correct usage of words.  There, their, and they're are three different words for different meanings.  You used 'there' when you should've used 'their'.  Think of 'there' as a place (go over there, Rarity), while 'their' as ownership (that's their toy, Cupcake!), and 'they're' will always be 'they are', which usually refers to multiple people (they're helping me at the moment, Discord).

 

You also need to make sure to incorporate proper lexicon.  What I mean is, the ponies on average say 'everypony' and 'somepony' more than 'everyone' and 'somebody'.  Yes, they do say everybody, but it's more in character to see them say everypony more often than not.  Don't forget to place proper lexicon of any character, which might include special words or saying as well.

 

Lastly, you always need to split up talking parts in a paragraph.  If Diamond Tiara spoke in the last part, Scootaloo needs to be split in the next part.

 

Now, after correcting this part, you have to think of what makes sense now.  How in the world would both Tiara and Spoon even know together to crack a joke?  Silver Spoon has always looked like a follower to me, so it would make sense to take her out of the line, but following along.

 

As the class lines up to start the mile, Diamond Tiara can't help but crack a joke on the 'cutie mark crybabies' and their blank flanks. "Since we're running, everypony can enjoy my cutie mark, unlike you dumb blank flanks since I'll be ahead of everypony," Diamond Tiara says, showing off her backside and revealing her cutie mark.

 

Silver Spoon lets out a small laugh, making Diamond Tiara smile.  Scootaloo scowls at the two, not liking the teasing.

 

"To see your cutie mark," Scootaloo says, getting ready for the run, "you must first run faster then me."

 

As you can see, I added in actions to this, while also moving the Scootaloo replies part to the middle of her speaking, replacing the 'replies' to 'say', and putting in a small amount of action to her part.  This adds in movement to the story and adds in parts so the reader can better visualize what's happening.

 

Now we get to the last part of this part.

 

Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

 

This right here is a perfect opportunity to show some character in your story.  Instead of telling us she's going to do that, why not show it in a way that entertains us more?  You could have her telling Silver Spoon here.  Why do that?  Well, Silver Spoon is the one that ultimately cheats, so it makes sense for Tiara to tell her.  Here's something I thought up for this part -

 

Diamond Tiara humphs to herself, going over to the starting line with her other schoolmates.  Silver Spoon walks by her, leaning in to whisper.  "So what are we going to do?"

 

"What else?" Diamond Tiara replies with a smirk.  "We're going to win and show the blank flanks who's the better pony here."  She looks down at Silver's necklace, looking at the round pearls gleaming in the light.  "Even if we have to be... inventive in our winning."

 

Silver Spoon smiles at her, getting the message.  She walks back over to her spot, waiting for the race to begin.  Diamond knew she couldn't really win in a speed race with Scootaloo.  Whether she wants to admit it or not, Scootaloo is the fastest pony at school.  So, she'll just have to win it in another way.

 

As you can see, I lengthened the last part out so there's more interaction in the scene, and it's more entertaining.  Yes, this can be considered fluff, but depending on the following scenes, this is important.  I also subtracted the teacher yelling out go.  Why?  You can take that line to the side and add in a little more to that, with each pony gearing up to start the race.  That line alone can add in two more parts that will help the story.  So, let's go over your work to mine once again.

 

Yours-

 

 

As the class lines up to start the mile diamond tiara and silver spoon Can't help but crack a joke on the "cutie mark CRYBABIES" and there blank flanks "since were running everyone can enjoy my cutie mark unlike you dumb blank flanks" says Diamond tiara Scootaloo replies "to see your cutie mark you must first run faster then me" Diamond tiara knows she can't out run Scootaloo so she decides to cheat in the race then the teacher yells "GO!"

 

Mine-

 

As the class lines up to start the mile, Diamond Tiara can't help but crack a joke on the 'cutie mark crybabies' and their blank flanks. "Since we're running, everypony can enjoy my cutie mark, unlike you dumb blank flanks since I'll be ahead of everypony," Diamond Tiara says, showing off her backside and revealing her cutie mark.

 

Silver Spoon lets out a small laugh, making Diamond Tiara smile.  Scootaloo scowls at the two, not liking the teasing.

 

"To see your cutie mark," Scootaloo says, getting ready for the run, "you must first run faster then me."

 

Diamond Tiara humphs to herself, going over to the starting line with her other schoolmates.  Silver Spoon walks by her, leaning in to whisper.  "So what are we going to do?"

 

"What else?" Diamond Tiara replies with a smirk.  "We're going to win and show the blank flanks who's the better pony here."  She looks down at Silver's necklace, looking at the round pearls gleaming in the light.  "Even if we have to be... inventive in our winning."

 

Silver Spoon smiles at her, getting the message.  She walks back over to her spot, waiting for the race to begin.  Diamond knew she couldn't really win in a speed race with Scootaloo.  Whether she wants to admit it or not, Scootaloo is the fastest pony at school.  So, she'll just have to win it in another way.

 

Just remember not to write the bare minimum in a story.  Lengthen out scenes, make it pace well, and add in some entertaining bits for the reader to fully visualize your writing.  I hope all this helps you out in whatever you write in the future.

Edited April 19, 2013 by Hazardus_Havard

[Lightning_hooves 25]

Thank you vary much for your help im srry u have to read a story as bad as mine lol but its my vary first and would it be ok if i used some of your wordings that U put in ur post? Iv realized that you are 110% right my story is blan and boring and just by what u said that would make it better so im going to completely rewrite the whole thing

Edited April 19, 2013 by Lightning_hooves

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

Thank you vary much for your help im srry u have to read a story as bad as mine lol bt its my vary first and would it be ok if i used some of our wordings that. U put in ur post?

 

It's perfectly fine so long as you do the rest of your story like this.  Otherwise, it'll stick out like a sore thumb and people will notice.