Accidentally Traveling to Equestria

[Thunderbirds360 22]

Description: Once upon a time, there was a human called Jon. He created things. One day, one of these things made Jon travel to Equestria, and he needs to find a way to get back to home, if there's even a way to do it.

 

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/99247/accidentally-traveling-to-equestria

 

 

This is my first fan fiction i have ever made, so criticism and some suggestions are welcome.

 

I'll try and make more chapters as soon as i have more free time on my hands. Thanks for reading.

 

[WingMcCallister 368]

I think you need to be a bit more careful with punctuation / capitalization around quotation marks. Stuff along the lines of:

    "Howdy," he said. 

    "He said, "Howdy." 

 

Also, I'd avoid writing in all caps. If you want the character to express himself, use the narration to help you. 

   In other words, instead of "YES!!!! YES!!!" ---> something like: "Yes! Yes!" Jon roared triumphantly. 

 

 

In terms of the story itself, I suggest going back and refining the description a little. The way it sits now comes off a bit haphazard to me. Jon's made this invention, then it's talking about 2014, and then suddenly it's 2023. All the bouncing around made it a bit hard to get into the characters. Along this line of thinking, I'm also not sure how much the insert about the parents does for you. It would be one thing if such a tragedy led Jon to invent, but if it didn't, it's somewhat extraneous. You should be using this first section to build the bonding between your characters and the reader. Finally, I really - pretty strongly actually - believe you should tweak the drive into Ponyville. If I suddenly made an invention that sent me hurling into a cartoon world, I would be captivated by the changes in color and texture that define the new reality. I think writing something equivalent to 'and then the car was in Ponyville' doesn't do your story justice. I feel you should really bump the description and boost the emotion of this section. It will help the reader connect.

 

And that pretty much sums up my suggestions. Welcome to the crazy shenanigans world of writing.

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

An HiE story?  I write HiE stories!  And a comedy story?  I write comedy stories too!  So yeah, automatic interest. 

 

First off, you indent your story and place spaces much like I do.  Good job.  That helps the readers easily move through your story with ease, not hurting the flow of things, and allowing  breaks from reading if they need it.  You indent a little strangely though.  You do know there's an indent paragraph button on FimFic, right?  Still, good job on that.

 

Onto your story, I noticed it's a 'tell, not show'.  And that's a bad thing.  See, you tell the reader about the backstory of the two characters instead of showing us it.  It takes a little more effort, but totally worth it.  Remember the part where it talks about the inventions that were made?  Instead of telling us, you could've had it brought up when they were talking about them.  Dan thinks Jon's time travel machine is wrong, and brings up earlier things he did.  Jon can rebut them and bring up inventions that did work. 

 

Also, certain information is completely useless here.  It's dry and not very entertaining to read.  Mostly, the YouTube parts and the part you talk to the reader about their history.  Either omit the YouTube area or bring it up at a later time you could use it.  Don't tell us things, show them to us.

 

The ending is a slight let down too.  You moved way too fast there.  Slow down a bit, don't move that thing into overdrive!  What I mean is pacing.  You had Jon go to Equestria in only six paragraphs, and a final line closing the prologue.  Fill in areas with him traveling to make this more enjoyable.  I mean, it's a comedy, right?  Do comedy!

 

Here's an instance for comedy that was totally missed by you.

 

After five minutes of explaining every single detail of the car and how it was made, Jon said, before entering the car: “If I am correct, when this bastard hits 122 miles per hour, you are going to see weird stuff happening!”

 

First off, a comma instead of a colon works better here.  Secondly, this is all that's written about the car?  Do some comedy here!  I'll give you a small example of comedy since I write this stuff myself.  It's just a small example that could've been placed there.  Don't make time skips unless you ultimately must do so.

 

The two of them entered with Jon in the drivers seat and Dan holding the camera.  Dan slowly pans the car, looking around.

 

"Jon," Dan says, viewing the camera on his friend.  "I don't see anything all that different."

 

"Ah, that's because you're not looking at the right things!  For instance, there are several new gauges on the dash that have many different readings for different things!  There's a meter for the time line traveled, how far it travels, along with some other things like the new fuel and-"

 

"New fuel?  Jon... please tell me it's nothing wrong..."

 

"...I may have found an ingenious way to make it run off my own piss."

 

Dan groans, slumping back into his seat as the camera aims up at the ceiling.  "Why Jon, why?"

 

"I needed a resource that would allow me to fuel up in a pinch!"

 

"This is worse than the time you used all those emptied capri suns and found a way to make a weather balloon of all things!"

 

"Hey!  That led to cheaper weather balloons and an endorsement deal!  Seriously, I taught people to truly respect the pouch!"

 

Dan continues to groan as he sits back upright, swiveling the camera back to Jon.  He clears his throat, looking into the camera.

 

"Right, well then.  Continuing on with the presentation."

 

See?  This is my take on comedy that people seem to like.  If you're doing comedy, at least make it so it's there.  I didn't see any at all in the prologue.  If you can, lengthen the prologue, show and don't tell, delete the YouTube part and maybe use later since it's not really needed right now, and please make it fun.

 

As for corrections in your story, I noticed you have backwards quotes in the talking areas.

 

"Hey! What are you rambling about? Another crazy invention of yours?" A voice, coming from the kitchen, said.

 

On FimFic, the quotation marks by the word 'Hey!' is backwards and so are others.  You should correct that.  Also, if the sentence continues on from a talking part, it doesn't need capitalization unless it's a name, place, or title.  Also, make your sentences interesting too.  Try to mix some of them up when it makes sense to do so.

 

"Hey!" a voice from the kitchen hollers out.  "What are you rambling about?  Another crazy invention of yours?"

 

So yeah.  I personally don't like the 'bronies in Equestria' type of stories, but maybe you can change that by making this an alright read.  I hope you take in consideration what I've said here.