Once upon Equestria

[Preeminent Pisces 100]

Hey, ya'll! As some of ya'll know, I love rps, but not only because they're are SUPER-AWESOME, but because I write books IRL. I never finished even one of them, so I thought this'd be a good way to exercise my skills. I hope ya'll like it! I'll try to add new chapters regularly.

 

<And it begins>

 

Feeling.

 

Where did this come from? What is this?

 

Sense.

 

How is this happening?

 

Intelligence.

 

Who am I? What am I doing here? Where did I come from? What is my purpose?

 

Light.

 

What am I seeing? I open my eyes. A thick liquid surrounds me, but it does not hurt me. There is no need for breathing or nutrition yet. How do I know that? A feel like I've just woken up. I feel...like a can move. I blink, although there is no need. Blurry figures appear within my vision. My ears twitch. My mouth gains feeling, which spreads down my neck and reached my spinal column. I gain consciousness of my body. I feel like a normal pony, but what are these things on my back. I try to move, but a strange cord attached to my forehead won't let me. I feel pain for the first time, but vaguely. The cord releases and disappears. Where'd it go? The blurry figures come into view. They are unicorns wearing white coats and scribbling profusely on clipboards. How do I know this? I am not sure.

I feel movement. I start to sink and I panic. I can move! I stare in wonder at my bright orange hooves, ignoring the strange descent that I have begun. I reach a strange point and I am flushed out. I land square on my face. My muscles are new to all this. They have no strength yet. I feel something on my face. A blue hoof tilts my head upwards and examines my face. I take my first breath. It feels great, but different. Who am I? The owner of the hoof magically pushes a cushion under my head and sets it down. The pillow is soft and comforting. I smile at the promises it makes as I snuggle into it a bit. The blue unicorn records something and then looks down at me almost... as if he pities me. He crouches lower.

"My name is Dr. Brande. Your name is Golden Dreams," he whispers.

"I am Gold..Dre..." I attempt. Dr. Brande smiles and writes another thing down.

"Call me B," he shortens his name.

"B," I reply. It is simple and easy to say. B writes something down.

"Can you move?" he asks. I shake my head, blink my eyes, and scrunch up my face. He laughs.

"Like...that?" I ask.

"Very good," he looks away. "but try moving something other than your head."

I try a bit, but my mind becomes distracted. B's face... it's not all that bad looking. And he's pretty cheiselled. Wait...what?

I shake my head and focus on the task at hand. I succeed in bending my legs and flicking my tail.

"All excellent, but what about your wings?" B asks. He's pretty young.

Wait, what wings?

I twist my neck around.

"Wings?" I say. "What wings?"

B looks concerned.

"Why, the ones on your back, silly," he says after a moment. I crane my neck to see the two feathery appendages on my back. They were irregularly large. I try really hard and one moves. The other stays flopped. I fan my one wing out, up and down. It obeys. I smile cheerfully at B.

"What about the other one?" he asks.

"It doesn't move," I reply.

B frowns and records one last thing.

"Can you walk?" he curiously questions. I am not sure. I bend my knees, but they don't go anywhere. "How?"

"Use your legs to lift," he's still reading that stupid clipboard. I want him to pay attention to me. I'm newer than that thing! I push hard with my legs against the floor. I tumble backwards. B almost laughs. I try something new. I use my one wing to scoop me upwards. It works and I'm in a sitting position. I imitate B's smile awkwardly. I lean forwards and catch myself on my hooves. I push upwards and -Ta da! I'm standing! I wobble for a second and look down at my skinny legs. They are definitely skinnier than B's.

"Let's go," B helps me turn towards a hidden doorway. He and I walk through, well, I stumble, together.

-End of Chapter 1-

 

___Chapter 2___

"Where am I?" I ask B. He still looks as if he pities me.

"We are in the Rebellion Labs. Golden Dreams, you are an experiment. You are break through. You are our first success. You are amazing," B replied without looking at me.

I nod, not exact realizing what he said.

We reached another door. The corridors were not blank. Portraits of famous-looking ponies in lab coats hung around every corner.

 

((will return to this soon))

Edited May 16, 2013 by Lunar Knight

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

What I got out of this so far is that you have a pony that is in a place that is treating him for something unknown.  With how Golden is also reacting, I'm going to say that the pony is also either very young, or is mentally young.  Right now, I do not know the gender or how Golden Dreams looks other than he's orange, but your basic details of describing the pony as a pegasus and everything else is pretty entertaining.  It gives the reader some room to actually imagine things in their own mind.  You also have Golden somewhat attracted to Brande, or at least finding him attractive.

 

Now, I wish you would space out your work.  It would make reading this so much simpler.  I'll point some things out, your stuff in purple and mine in red.

 

Feeling. Where did this come from? What is this? Sense. How is this happening? Intelligence. Who am I? What am I doing here? Where did I come from? What is my purpose? Light. What am I seeing? I open my eyes. A thick liquid surrounds me, but it does not hurt me. There is no need for breathing or nutrition yet. How do I know that? A feel like I just woke up. I feel...like a can move. I blink, although there is no need. Blurry figures appear within my vision. My ears twitch. My mouth gains feeling, which spreads down my neck and reached my spinal column. I gain consciousness of my body. A feel like a normal pony, but what are these things on my back. I try to move, but a strange cord attached to my forehead won't let me. I feel pain for the first time, but vaguely. The cord releases and disappears. Where'd it go? The blurry figures come into view. They are unicorns wearing white coats and scribbling profusely on clipboards. How do I know this? I am not sure.
I feel movement. I start to sink and I panic. I can move! I stare in wonder at my bright orange hooves, ignoring the strange descent that I have begun. I reach a strange point and I am flushed out. I land square on my face. My muscles are new to all this. They have no strength yet. I feel something on my face. A blue hoof tilts my head upwards and examines my face. I take my first breath. It feels great, but different. Who am I? The owner of the hoof magically pushes a cushion under my head and sets it down. The pillow is soft and comforting. I smile at the promises it makes as I snuggle into it a bit. The blue unicorn records something and then looks down at me almost... as if he pities me. He crouches lower.

 

I think the first paragraph could be split up into another paragraph, and certain areas split out entirely to emphasize confusion and thoughts.  Here's an example of what I mean.

 

Feeling.

 

Where did this come from? What is this?

 

Sense.

 

How is this happening?

 

Intelligence.

 

What am I doing here? Where did I come from? What is my purpose?

 

Light.

 

What am I seeing?

 

I open my eyes. A thick liquid surrounds me, but it does not hurt me. There is no need for breathing or nutrition yet.

 

How do I know that?

 

A feel like I just woke up. I feel...like a can move. I blink, although there is no need. Blurry figures appear within my vision. My ears twitch. My mouth gains feeling, which spreads down my neck and reached my spinal column. I gain consciousness of my body. A feel like a normal pony, but what are these things on my back.

 

I try to move, but a strange cord attached to my forehead won't let me. I feel pain for the first time, but vaguely. The cord releases and disappears. Where'd it go? The blurry figures come into view. They are unicorns wearing white coats and scribbling profusely on clipboards. How do I know this? I am not sure.

I feel movement. I start to sink and I panic.

 

I can move!

 

I stare in wonder at my bright orange hooves, ignoring the strange descent that I have begun. I reach a strange point and I am flushed out. I land square on my face. My muscles are new to all this. They have no strength yet. I feel something on my face. A blue hoof tilts my head upwards and examines my face. I take my first breath. It feels great, but different.

 

Who am I?

 

The owner of the hoof magically pushes a cushion under my head and sets it down. The pillow is soft and comforting. I smile at the promises it makes as I snuggle into it a bit. The blue unicorn records something and then looks down at me almost... as if he pities me. He crouches lower.

 

I also italicized certain words.  italicizing usually implies thoughts of a character, so this really brings them out.  I also deleted the first time you use the 'who am I?' in the beginning.  It makes the second one down at the bottom a stronger presence and helps make the first parts at the top stronger. 

 

Now, there are a few things that should be looked at for rewriting in this paragraph.  Here's an example -

 

A feel like I just woke up.

 

This line doesn't make any sense at all.  Are you trying to describe Golden feeling the feel of waking up, or are you trying to describe it like it's the first time the pony's ever waken up?  There's also the problem that you use the 'I feel like' too many times.  You should rewrite that in a way so it's still saying that but with different word.  Here's how I would've rewritten it -

 

I feel like I've just woken up... like I can move.

 

As you see, I've taken the second line and combined it with the first.  It makes the line simpler and easier to follow while also removing the 'I feel like' in the second one, and also removing the 'a' on the can move to an 'I'.

 

A feel like a normal pony, but what are these things on my back.

 

You do it again here.  Are you attempting to make this character southern?  Even if you are, having him think like that is a bit strange to read.  Even if people have accents, they still think with the word fully fleshed out in their minds.  You also missed a question mark.

 

I feel like a normal pony, but what are these things on my back?

 

There's some other things like this in your work, but they're easy to fix.  I don't really have any complaints as of yet on how you've written your story other than how it's structured and a few missed areas on grammar and punctuation.  Here's a recap of everything with me reworking some more things in my work down below.  Your work -

 

Feeling. Where did this come from? What is this? Sense. How is this happening? Intelligence. Who am I? What am I doing here? Where did I come from? What is my purpose? Light. What am I seeing? I open my eyes. A thick liquid surrounds me, but it does not hurt me. There is no need for breathing or nutrition yet. How do I know that? A feel like I just woke up. I feel...like a can move. I blink, although there is no need. Blurry figures appear within my vision. My ears twitch. My mouth gains feeling, which spreads down my neck and reached my spinal column. I gain consciousness of my body. A feel like a normal pony, but what are these things on my back. I try to move, but a strange cord attached to my forehead won't let me. I feel pain for the first time, but vaguely. The cord releases and disappears. Where'd it go? The blurry figures come into view. They are unicorns wearing white coats and scribbling profusely on clipboards. How do I know this? I am not sure.
I feel movement. I start to sink and I panic. I can move! I stare in wonder at my bright orange hooves, ignoring the strange descent that I have begun. I reach a strange point and I am flushed out. I land square on my face. My muscles are new to all this. They have no strength yet. I feel something on my face. A blue hoof tilts my head upwards and examines my face. I take my first breath. It feels great, but different. Who am I? The owner of the hoof magically pushes a cushion under my head and sets it down. The pillow is soft and comforting. I smile at the promises it makes as I snuggle into it a bit. The blue unicorn records something and then looks down at me almost... as if he pities me. He crouches lower.

 

Mine -

 

Feeling.

 

Where did this come from? What is this?

 

Sense.

 

How is this happening?

 

Intelligence.

 

What am I doing here? Where did I come from? What is my purpose?

 

Light.

 

What am I seeing?

 

I open my eyes. A thick liquid surrounds me, but it does not hurt me. There is no need for breathing or nutrition yet.

 

How do I know that?

 

I feel like I just woke up... like I can move. I blink, although there is no need. Blurry figures appear within my vision. My ears twitch. My mouth gains feeling, which spreads down my neck and reaches my spinal column. I gain consciousness of my body. I feel like a normal pony, but what are these things on my back?

 

I try to move, but a strange cord attached to my forehead won't let me. I feel pain for the first time, but vaguely. The cord releases and disappears. Where'd it go? The blurry figures come into view. They are unicorns wearing white coats and scribbling profusely on clipboards. How do I know this? I am not sure.

I feel movement. I start to sink and I panic.

 

I can move!

 

I stare in wonder at my bright orange hooves, ignoring the descent that I have begun. I reach a strange point and I am flushed out, landing square on my face. My muscles are new to all this. They have no strength in them. I feel something on my face. A blue hoof tilts my head upwards and examines my face. I take my first breath. It feels great, but different.

 

Who am I?

 

The owner of the hoof magically pushes a cushion under my head and sets me down on it. The pillow is soft and comforting. I smile at the promises it makes as I snuggle into it a bit. The blue unicorn records something and then looks down at me almost... as if he pities me. He crouches low enough so I can see his entire face without any problem.

 

Like I said, there's some things that need rewording and some extra work, but I don't see anything horridly wrong in this.  I really hope you put those extra spaces in between areas later on so it's easier to read.

[Preeminent Pisces 100]

Thanks! I am typing on my 3DS, so it's hard to do anything. I'll edit it tomorrow when I'm on my computer. I really do need an editor, so thanks again! This is not sarcasm.