The following quote applies to this review in retrospect. Please read. (Added 11/30/2016)

I had re-read my initial review and decided that I did a terrible job of talking about the serious problems. I sort of mention them and then trail off into "wasted potential" rants packed with incomplete sentences and sloppy grammar. I'm also keen on not editing what I post once it's out there unless it involves spelling errors, so...here comes this piece to fill in the void instead.

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Yes. And I'm hoping it's in season five. As @silvadel suggested, an episode showing what conflicts would arise when only one (or two) of them get their cutie marks would make for a fantastic 22 minutes.

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Alright, alright, this isn't a new episode, but I had to come back to this forum after a long hiatus from the community in general (no special reason, I've just been busy with other things) to talk about this episode, even if it's been a while since I've seen it. Normally, I'd say "this is a spoilers review so if you haven't seen this episode wipe my ass" or something, but this episode is relatively old and relatively huge, so if you haven't seen it, I don't care. I really don't give a damn. Because you know what? You're in for such a sour ride with this load of literal horse dung. So, without further ado, "Crusaders of the Lost Mark."

So this episode opens up wit- WHAT THE FUCK?!

ALREADY?!

We're doing this already? I-I know this isn't the first episode to have a song in the prologue (Magical Mystery Cure), but this is just so completely out of place! With MMC, this was tolerable, because at least the song wasn't completely obnoxious. What the hell is this cluster of pop chords doing?

Anyway, Pip thankfully interrupts this terrible composition because he needs the help of the Cutie Mark Crusaders to get votes for his campaign to run as school president.

Yes! Find some of the most unpopular kids at school to help boost my campaign! This surely won't backfire!

And so they help their friend that appeared in that one episode to run for school president because, what the hell, we have to give this character some form of ambition, right? But, of course, the real queen of the crop around these parts protests their efforts. Yes, yes, the ever so refreshing to see Diamond Tiara has come to foil their plans! Mua...ha....ha. So Diamond Tiara goes on to convince other ponies th- AW JESUS CHRIST NOT AGAIN!

SON OF A PIP!

WE JUST GOT FINISHED WITH A GODDAMN MUS-

*sigh*

Remember what my therapist told me....remember what my therapist told me...

...so after you suffer through another musical number, we find that, oh goodies, the blank flank's cheery spirit got the school so buttered up that Pip won by a landslide! I cared about this subplot! As you might imagine, Diamond Tiara is pretty pissed, but not so much that she didn't win, but because she has to tell her mother that she lost!

i cri evrtim

After her mother learns that she lost to a "transplant from Trottingham" (which is called her completely fake ass), she is outraged with Diamond Tiara and expresses just the sheer embarrassment of her daughter to her daughter. These types of beings should not reproduce. In despair, she walks around town....ergh...

SINGING HER WOES!!!

...as the Cutie Mark Crusaders observe in pity. I would too if my bully's mom looked like that, but I digress. So, to help the bully, the CMC invite Tiara over to their clubhouse. Stuff happens, character development is attempted, but Pip can't pay for something or some shit, and the tragic filly with the tragic mother storms to sabotage Pip's victory as the Cutie Mark Crusaders try to stop her...

THROUGH SONG!!!!

Quick! Bore her to death with our bad lyricism and unfortunate melodies!

They soon try to reason with Diamond Tiara without singing, but it's more ineffective than the musical number. However, when her mother, Spoiled Bitch Rich, shows up to the school, she confronts her mother about her douchebaggery, which gives the character a whole new completely forced sense of realization!

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So, apparently, JUST LIKE THAT, Diamond Tiara proceeds with helping put up the, um, play yard, I guess. But no, this episode is above such laughable things like actually skipping to the point! We've done that with the important parts and now we have to fill out the void! We must commence another

MUSICAL MONTAGE!

You people are essentially my slaves! Back to work, n-

Finally, everyone's friends again and the CMC be like, "WE SHUD HALP PPL WIT DER PR0BLMZ N C00TY MRKZ." And then, out of the goddamn clear blue sky...

BLANK FLA-oh.

And so they sing about that. The End.

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What the fuck did I just watch?

I've always been one to advocate that Diamond Tiara be fleshed out and that, most importantly, the Cutie Mark Crusaders finally get their cutie marks. I've been begging for this episode, folks. No. This isn't the episode I've been begging for. I know that I sound completely entitled, but it's not like I was expecting this episode to come OR these events to take place. I don't know if anyone else was in the loop that "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" was going to be the episode where the CMC got their Cutie Marks, but I had no idea that this was going to be it, and by the time it was over, all I could think was "Really? THAT'S how they decided to do it?"

I didn't even realize until I just now decided to log back on to the MLP Forums that I'd been throwing around ideas for this episode for years, which just made me angrier that they didn't utilize the potential they were given and instead opted for such a sloppy way of ending this series-long arc. Have any of you noticed the cutie marks they received are JUST BARELY related to the talents they've been building on all series long?! Yeah, Sweetie Belle has a musical note in her mark, but she didn't realize she needed to sing to get it. Fuck Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, though, says the writers. Their cutie marks probably suggest their personalities, but it's very clear what the cutie marks represent - their unity in helping others find their special talent. That would be completely fine if that was built up at all prior. It wasn't. We've been lead to believe all series long that Sweetie Belle's cutie mark would regard singing, Scootaloo's talent would regard being a stuntmare (I've invented a word), and Apple Bloom's talent was making potions (probably), and then they throw this complete curve-ball for the sheer sake of keeping the Cutie Mark Crusaders together without any kind of conflict. That's not plot twists work.

Remember that quote I kicked off this review with? That is completely, 100% better than what we got. I'm never one to talk at a show with the notion that "my idea is better," even when I strongly believe it is. I'll usually just say "I would preferred A & B rather than this, but whatever." No, I'm outright saying right to this episode's and right to this series that it royally fucked up this arc. That was the most anticlimactic piece of shit MLP: FiM has ever released, and all this happening under a clutter of subplots and absolutely boring musical numbers. This isn't "Simple Ways" bad, but this has got to be one of the sloppiest and poorly written episodes of recent memory, and especially of this season.

To put things in perspective for you guys, this episode has completely demotivated me from watching future episodes of the series. The most recent episode of this show that I've watched is "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows" and that episode was just so completely 'okay' that I haven't found it in myself to continue the series. I haven't outright given up on this show, I'll watch them eventually, but it's a testament to the quality of this episode and the curve so far of this season. "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" is not only bad as a concept in its own right, but the musical numbers are atrociously bland and uninspired (again, Magical Mystery Cure was more tolerable than this, and that had MORE SONGS), there are subplots coming out the wazoo, and it was so terribly chosen as the episode to "wrap up" the CMC arc, and what's worse is that we still have a sixth season! I've never been so earnestly against another season of MLP despite my skepticism of season five. My skepticism was absolutely justified, and this episode proves that this show has absolutely nowhere to go anymore. Arcs are wrapping up for all of our characters so they're trying to force new ones in just to warrant a continued run time. This really should have been the last season, but no, we're getting another 26 episodes and a movie in 2017 . My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic has worn out its welcome for me with this episode. I give "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" a 2/10.

Status: Blank Flank.

I started this review with a quote, so I'm going to end it with one. If you've ever read one of my previous reviews, this should be familiar:

I can't say, however, that I'm very excited for the coming season. I sense it might result in a huge car crash. But what do I know? I'm not psychic...

 

...or am I?

I'm sorry if you liked this episode, and/or if I sounded completely arrogant here, but I really felt the need to put this episode in its place in some sort of public manner. I really should review more good episodes. How many episodes have I given a positive rating on this blog? "Slice of Life?" That's it? I even complained about that!

Humph. Well, it'd be easy to go back through this season and review what material is still relatively fresh. Like "Canterlot Boutique?" That one kicked all kinds of writing ass! I...guess I could exploit it...

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or maybe...maybe I should go...............all the way back?

*turns in dramatic fashion to an image I found on Google of a bed and some products that don't belong to me*

Well then.

I had re-read my initial review and decided that I did a terrible job of talking about the serious problems. I sort of mention them and then trail off into "wasted potential" rants packed with incomplete sentences and sloppy grammar. I'm also keen on not editing what I post once it's out there unless it involves spelling errors, so...here comes this piece to fill in the void instead.