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About PrymeStriker

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  • Birthday 03/09/1999

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    You can't possibly mistake me for someone who gives a good flying f*ck.
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  1. Merry Birthiversary! 

  2. Merry Birthiversary!

  3. Merry Birthiversary!

  4. Previously on Zorc and Pals... PrymeStriker: I've scheduled a meeting with a board of feminists and that conference room isn't going to bomb itself. Discord: Okay, but only if you fondle my balls while you're down there. Scorpan: yo, deez ponies ain't so bad, I'd smash 'em Tirek: no, daz gey PrymeStriker: It's like 9/11. A pleasant surprise. Twilight Princess Sparkle: Yeah, Celestia, this is your dumbest idea yet. And this is coming from the same genius that thought sending your sister to the moon was a good idea. PrymeStriker: "Tune in soon when we take on, dick first, the season four finale of....My Little Pony.......Friendship..............Friendship......uh.............Something." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ So this episode opens up right where Part 1 left off, the princesses are ready to give up their magic before Tirek can reach them and take it from them. However, as you might expect, magic cannot disappear into thin air like black people in the ghetto. It must been transferred into something.....or someone. Yes, Twilight must take on the magic of all the princesses, being the element of magic she is, and then somehow manage not to be fucked over by Tirek all the while not telling her friends about it. I just remembered.........this is my 100th review..........................................................*confetti*. So, anyway, we then discover that getting rid of magic takes away people's cutie marks which......makes no sense, but I digress. When Twilight returns home, she's surging with power and realizes now she has to carry the responsibilities of the other princesses. All the while, Tirek and Discord have arrived in Canterlot in search of the princesses, only to find that their magic is gone. Tirek upon realizing the sexual fantasy possibilities here. While Tirek traps the other princesses in Tartarus and Discord reveals the location of Twilight's library, Twilight tries to get away to learn how to use her new magic without her friends following her around. This, of course, makes them rather suspicious of their friend. No time for that, though. Tirek and Discord have showed up to trap the ponies in Ponyville. Discord displays some interesting regret here, suggesting that he's torn between his two desires, friendship and magic, offering long past due Discord development. This comes just in time for Tirek to betray Discord and take his magic as well. And after he gave Discord a medallion? What, a, DICK! With Tirek at his prime, it's off to find the new princess and her unbelievable power. So we see our main character out in "da hood" practicing teleportation spells. However, since she's got that surge, she rapidly teleports all across Equestria before coincidentally stopping in Tirek's vicinity. Twilight tries to take refuge to her librar- .....HOLY F- .....WHAT THE F- ..........AM I STILL WATCHING MY LITTLE PO- .............So an epic battle ensues between Twilight Sparkle and Tirek, and it seems like Twilight has won at first considering they're both at almost equivalent power. However, Tirek offers up a trade; her friends' survival for the alicorn magic. It seems like Twilight's finally reached the hard decision she's had to face, and it looks like the very person that's going to be affected by it is Discord himself. Now realizing that he wanted both friendship and magic, only to be left with nothing at all, has seen the error of his ways as he apologizes to Fluttershy for betraying her trust. Tirek, on the other hand, has no time for character development and wants an answer now. Ultimately, upon looking out on the bubbles her friends are encased in, and considering her options, Twilight decides to exchange....her friends' lives for the alicorn magic. It is now that Twilight receives her key, and I finally get to use this joke: REEEEEEEEEADINNG RAINBOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I've been waiting six reviews to do that. Okay, now I'm satisfied. So Tirek releases everyone except for Discord, but Twilight demands his freedom. Even after he has betrayed her, Twilight still considers him a friend. Aha, and now Discord's role has been fulfilled and we totally won't see some bullshit episodes of his in season five! TOTALLY! With this, Tirek drains Twilight of the alicorn magic and reaches his ultimate form. His body grew ten sizes that day, and he had a super big boost of confidence. Lucky bastard. Discord, in this time of great urgency, decides to break down and admit his shortcomings and the role he had in this ultimate fate. Therefore, he decides to give Twilight the medallion Tirek gave him back at the castle. This, they deduce, is the key that they need to unlock the chest. Henceforth, they all head back to the tree to unlock the box to find that what it does is.....err....turn everyone into.....something. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, okay, so this is kind of bullshit, but this is essentially the Equestria Girls ending in the MLP universe, but now with less contrived shit to emphasize mediocre writing. So they defeat Tirek with their new god awful hairstyles and save Equestria by returning everyone's magic to them. They even manage to use the box to recreate Twilight's home as a castle. With all this, Twilight discovers that the role she chooses to take as a princess of Equestria is as the Princess of Friendship. It's all down hill from here folks. Why must this show make me vomit so much With both Discord and Twilight figuring out who they're meant to be in the world, the ponies embark on one last piece of shit pop song before we recap all the people who gave our characters their keys. And so concludes "Twilight's Kingdom". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That ending was complete bullshit. The box's powers and Tirek's defeat were all completely contrived due to product placement which didn't help it's rushed pacing at all due to the fact that we just needed a terrible musical number at the end. It's literally the Equestria Girls ending with more plot significance. HOWEVER, this finale feels less like it deserved that ending than Equestria Girls. You see, with the film, it was a steady incline of standard storytelling all the way to a drop-off, and given its self contained nature, had to tell its entire story in that single hour or so only to disappoint by pulling out of its ass, leaving nothing to gain considering not even the characters got a payoff in the end. But that's the beauty of having a show. You can create story arcs and use them to build up your story with the plot and the characters we've been given. We've been working up the arc all season long, and while the box itself was lazily payed off, we still got what we wanted from the finale: a good story. Twilight and Discord both reached their character peaks in this episode. With Discord, he learned the right way to search for both friendship and power. With Twilight, she discovered her self-worth and role as a new princess in Equestria. This way, we still get a great story outside of the deus ex machina ending. And, hey, the status quo was shifted around by giving us new locations to visit next season. Even with all this said, there's other great things about this finale, like the comedy, the GORGEOUS animation, and that epic fight scene. So, in summation, yeah, this finale is not perfect, but it's not bad either. It seems just about right. I'm going to give this episode a 9/10, making "Twilight's Kingdom" a full 8.5/10 overall. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So here's the part where I sum up the whole season overall. Let's dig into this circus: 01. Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1) 10/1002. Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 2) 10/1003. Castle Mane-ia 8/1004. Daring Don't 2/1005. Flight to the Finish 9/1006. Power Ponies 1/1007. Bats! 7/1008. Rarity Takes Manehattan 5/1009. Pinkie Apple Pie 8/1010. Rainbow Falls 1/1011. Three's A Crowd 5/1012. Pinkie Pride 10/1013. Simple Ways 2/1014. Filli Vanilli 1/1015. Twilight Time 7/1016. It Ain't Easy Being Breezies 7/1017. Somepony to Watch Over Me 4/1018. Maud Pie 6/1019. For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils 10/1020. Leap of Faith 7/1021. Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3 10/1022. Trade Ya 5/1023. Inspiration Manifestation 8/1024. Equestria Games 9/1025. Twilight's Kingdom (Part 1) 8/1026. Twilight's Kingdom (Part 2) 9/10 Therefore, my overall rating for season four of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is: 6.5/10 Best episode: "Pinkie Pride" Worst episode: "Rainbow Falls" WOW. How the FUCK did season four manage to PLUNGE from my SECOND favorite season to literally THE WORST SEASON OF THE SHOW? I used to hail this season, but now it's merely one decimal below season three. Age does not treat this show very well I see. There's a lot of problems with this season's output. "Power Ponies", "Rainbow Falls" and "Filli Vanilli" all received a scathing 1/10, something I rarely hand out to anything, with "Daring Don't" and "Simple Ways" just barely dodging the bullet at 2/10s. Then you've got shit like "Somepony to Watch Over Me", "Rarity Takes Manehattan", and "Three's a Crowd" which weren't as sinful but still very flawed. Compare this to the output of episodes I gave FULL marks to. What, the premiere? "Pinkie Pride"? "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils"? "Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3"? Is that it?! FIVE perfect episodes to EIGHT shitty episodes? And that's not even counting the in-betweens. All the mediocrity that is "Maud Pie", "Twilight Time", "Bats!" and so forth. I mean, just adding up all the episodes that are below an 8/10, which is my standard for GOOD writing, to everything that's a 7 or below, this is a fucking 11-15 ratio. Far more than HALF the damn season is below average. I did not expect this in the slightest. I used to hold season four to a much higher peg than season one, and to find that it's really worse than both season one and season three? It's so weird. Cause I still feel like its a good season. All those years of season four praise still haunt my opinion now despite the fact that the analysis shows otherwise. Opinions must change, however, so that we may grow. Therefore, I'll come out and say it. Season four is a bad season, just like season three. It had promise, but was ultimately a rollercoaster with very little time to recuperate from the turns. This season contains some of the worst writing in the shows history, and given my opinions on season five when I watched it, it looks like there's no room for improvement. All I can say is: I am disappoint. Alright, everyone, GG. We're at the end of season four and I finally get to take my vacation. I'll see you guys back here on August 14th where we will review the fifth seaso- ... . . . . . .......... FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOTHERFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKER
  5. Welcome back to the season four wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Why the Fuck Am I Still Watching This Fucking Show! Here we are. The end of season four, the end of the "what did I think of this episode back when it aired" arc-thingy, and on our 99th review facing the second part of this finale as Review #100. There's a lot to wrap up around here and very little time to do it. I've scheduled a meeting with a board of feminists and that conference room isn't going to bomb itself. What do you think I am, someone with a remote control? Anyways, let's take a look at the last mini-review I made before starting up this blog in August of 2014: .......Hehe..."period". ..Hmm? What's that? People hated this finale? WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS NEW? Everyone in this god-forsaken fandom hates every premiere and finale. I've seriously read a handful of reviews on "Friendship is Magic", "Best Night Ever", "The Return of Harmony", "A Canterlot Wedding", "The Crystal Empire", "Magical Mystery Cure", "Princess Twilight Sparkle", "Twilight's Kingdom", "The Cutie Map", and "The Cutie Re-Mark", all with some brony who hasn't taken their Adderall spastically raging over how they're all the worst premiere/finale in the history of television. And you think I have any right fucking mind to watch these episodes with their complaints at heart? No. I'll watch the fucking thing for my damn self and draw my own conclusions, because I'm an individual with my own mind, and unlike most people, I don't admire everybody in this oh-so high-tier analysis community as gods. That said, gather around, my feeble disciples, as I tell you the ten commandments that is "Twilight's Kingdom" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this episode opens up in the Crystal Empire, with Spike gloating about how he saved this place and asking everyone else if they remember that. Spoiler alert: Yes, they do remember that, 'cause that was a plot device in the last episode. However, when Rainbow Dash complains about Spike's gloating only for Rarity to sock it back to Rainbow Dash about all the gloating she's done for the past four seasons, I smile in relief as I know this episode was written by someone who gives a fuck. Apparently, the team is on their way to some kind of....ceremony......who cares what the event is. Twilight, on the other hand, is feeling like her status as princess isn't particularly amounting to anything remotely important. And you know what? She's completely right. The only thing she's done all season long as princess was moderate a trade commune. Other than that, her role as princess has been pretty unimportant, which leaves great promise to the rest of the finale to explore where Twilight's princess duties can come into fruition. Seems like, yes, there's quite a bit of promise in this finale. Purple princesses always get the short end of the stick. A boring piece of shit song ensues after Twilight confronts the other princesses on this, where she sings about wanting to make contributions to Equestria. In the number, however, the other princess assure her that her time to play her part will come. My question, however, is that why didn't it come immediately after she was crowned princess. I mean, wasn't there a reason she was crowned princess in the first place? It makes me think that her becoming a princess, while great for the character herself, was ultimately not well thought out by the other princesses. Welp, too late for that, I already gave "Magical Mystery Cure" an 8...or a 7...or something....I don't fucking remember. Meanwhile, later on in the night, Princess Celestia has a dream/vision that some cloaked nigga with an amazing voice named Tirek is out on the loose, and that something must been done. I recommend three way intercourse, but this is a kids show unfortunately. After the commercial break, Princess Celestia explains the origins of Tirek. He came from a distant land with his brother Scorpan to steal Equestrian magic. However, Scorpan pussied out and was like, "yo, deez ponies ain't so bad, I'd smash 'em". When Tirek was like "no daz gey", the Princesses sent him to Hell. Literally. However, he escaped due to the Cerberus leaving his post in Tartarus back in "It's About Time". Damn, that's one hell of a callback. Wouldn't have even imagined that having any impact on anything back when I watched that episode. It's like 9/11. A pleasant surprise. Tirek's been wandering around trying to find the strength he needs to suck Unicorn horn again. Instead of deciding to send Twilight to catch Tirek, Celestia enlists another hitman: Discord. So this finale has Twilight depth and Discord? Fuck me, this is the best finale! You see, Discord can sense an imbalance in magic due to him being....Discord. It's kind of like knowing your about to shoot a super creamy load. But before Discord goes off to masturbate, he pays our band of killjoys a little visit, drawing Twilight's attention to that Harmony Tree box from the premiere, suggesting maybe there's something in there that will help her. He even hands Twilight the journal they've been keeping all season after he's bookmarked "important passages". To me, this screams Discord's trying to tell Twilight something, but since the main characters in this show are stupid, they're not going to realize this until much later. So instead they go to the Castle of the Ass Kissers to see if there's any books on the box's importance, to no avail. All the while, Tirek's power grows ever stronger, just in time for Discord to detect the disturbance in the force and show up to fuck him over. But wait, this is a two-parter, so there's gotta be more than just capturing him, right? You bet your dick-hanging ass there is. Tirek offers Discord a proposition. After he wipes this world of Equestria magic stench, who better to turn the world upside down than Mr. Chaos Emerald himself? Discord is offered a choice of "freedom" over "friendship". "Okay, but only if you fondle my balls while you're down there." While Discord ponders this, Twilight realizes that all the sections Discord has bookmarked are previous episodes where the other five got their keys and overcame some kind of big trial...full with flashbacks and all. Please no "Rainbow Falls", PLEASE NO "RAINBOW FALLS".....................they actually have Pinkie Pie interrupt Rainbow Dash before her flashback can begin. Wow...this IS the greatest finale ever, nodding at that episode's shittiness. Twilight deduces that since the challenges they individually had to overcome helped shaped someone else's direction, the objects they received from those people might have some significance. It's almost like Discord had a point, fucking idiots. So they all bring the items from episodes past to the box, to discover that placing them up on the box transforms the items into the physical keys. How convenient for everyone. Everyone's keys are placed into the box except for Twilight, who has yet to receive hers. All the while, they get some mail from Celestia informing them that Discord's gone rogue, and with his help Tirek has been able to suck not only Unicorn horn, but also fondle Pegasus wings and Earth pony hooves. Once Twilight arrives in Canterlot, the princesses could only come to one conclusion: Rid themselves of their own magic! .................."Yeah, Celestia, this is your dumbest idea yet. And this is coming from the same genius that thought sending your sister to the moon was a good idea." To be...continued. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Uhhemmmem, yeah, okay, this is a good first part. I mean, it's not perfect, but there's setup for some great elements in here. Twilight feeling unsure about her position as princess, Discord's betrayal, the growing strength of Tirek. All of this is some really powerful stuff to move the second part along. However, yeah, there are a few blips in the rough here and there. This does not include the ending, considering I know what Celestia means by "get rid" of our magic as we'll explore in the second part, but rather with some of the stuff in the middle. Sending Discord alone was a poor choice by Celestia considering his reformation was not too long ago. He's very susceptible to being manipulated this early on. She should have had the Elements of Harmony and Discord team up to locate and take down Tirek so that they can keep Discord in check. However, this wouldn't have made for a satisfying finale so early on, now would it? Tying everything up in the second act, nothing would have gotten resolved. So, yeah, I can see why it was necessary for Celestia to make this mistake, but it's a crucial mistake nonetheless given the stakes here. Also, I don't like how the objects can just transform into keys because magic. Everything else, though? Pretty damn good. I think the first part deserves a 8/10 overall. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tune in soon when we take on, dick first, the season four finale of.... My Little Pony... Friendship... Friendship....................... Uh........ Something.
  6. Welcome back to the season four wrap-up of My Little Friendship: Pony is Magic/AIDS! Today, we're taking a look at the penultimate episode before the two-part season finale, Equestria G-...........wait a minute....................okay, no, good, that says "Equestria Games", not "Equestria Girls". *shivers*........, this is the episode that finally finishes the Equestria Games arc that we've been building up since the twelfth episode of season three: "Games Ponies Play". Therefore, there's some big shoes to fill. So what did I think of this episode when it first spared? ............................WELL ISN'T THAT REASSURING? This is "Equestria Games". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this episode opens up with Rainbow Dash on the train to the Crystal Empire with the CMC, Bulk Biceps, Fluttershy, and...some other...random generics, as they prepare for the Equestria Games. Rainbow Dash herself doubts that she, Fluttershy, and Bulk Biceps will be able to beat the Wonderbolts, all the while I have the worst "Rainbow Falls" PTSD that sends me into a cataclysmic spasm. After the "Skip Intro" button sends me into a catacl-...wait...SHIT I used my "Skip Intro" joke too early. FUCK!! *sigh*.....after I skip the intro...we...hold on, I'm not done with the "Rainbow Falls" shit. Rainbow Dash is still competing in the Equestria Games with the lowest common denominators. Just like with "Rainbow Falls", WHYYYY?! It still makes no sense. Also, did Fluttershy just forget her "stage fright" from the fuck-up opus that everyone loves, "Filli Vanilli"? 'Cause the Equestria Games is going to be a big event with lots of people staring at her. Why would she not realize this? Fuck me. Why the fuck do I watch this fucking show? Anyways, once we arrive in the Crystal Empire, Spike is whisked....whipsed....whifflefluffle...whatever the fuck the word is....away by the royal guard to meet with Princesses Cadence and Twilight Sparkle, where he learns he's basically a God in the Crystal Empire for saving the crystal heart. Remember that shitty episode? Me too, I think. "Bringith thy Rarity in so thout may port her legs like the red sea" The princesses tell Spike that they want him to light the torch for the Equestria Games, which he agrees to. However, once he arrives, he realizes he fright. Oh, come on, please, not another "Filli Vanilli". PLEASE. He goes up and due to his fright, is unable to light the torch. Like, physically, he can't generate fire breath. Hmm...that does give reason to why he couldn't just burn the timberwolves in "Spike at Your Service", but it's not like I'm exactly in the mood to remember every shit episode of this show. So Twilight helps him out from her throne all the way in the audience by doing a little magic trick-aroo mcfuckson and, boom, fire! Spike ends up thinking this is because he can light fire with his mind, but Twilight bitchslaps him and puts the little prick in his place. This makes him mope as you might expect, but screw that, it's time for the main event! The relay race, with Fluttershy ignoring all of her redundant character development! How delightful. At the games, a disabling spell is cast on unicorns to prevent cheating, which comes into play later. Otherwise, Ponyvillle ends up coming in second place to the Wonderbolts when I start realizing I don't care about this event. Like, yeah, this something we've been building up to for a season but...almost every episode in the arc was bad. So this is less of an anticlimax and more of what's expected. Except, we've got a Spike story to follow, so, maybe we should direct our attention to that first and foremost. Spike then asks Mrs. Harshwhimmy (I don't care if that's misspelled) to do something else after the faux lighting of the torch. He offers to sing the national anthem instead....of Cloudsdale. See, he thought he was gonna sing the Ponyville anthem, but Ponyville didn't win. So he'll have to sing a song that he's never heard, and has no idea how to sing. Alas, it's a bit too late when he realizes this. Come on, Spike. Sing it with me! "Blame Cloudsdale! / Blame Cloudsdale! / With all their weather hullabaloo / And that bitch Rainbow Dash too!" Right..............actually that song was kind of funny. How did MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC pull off GOOD CRINGE COMEDY?! Have you SEEN their fandom? Christ. After the fuck-up, Spike decides to go into his room and pack before he leaves tomorrow. Spike's been built up all episode to be knocked down to size? once again.......another relatively good Spike conflict. I'm genuinely shocked. Later, during the ice archery contest, Twilight goes looking for Spike, but the CMC say he pussied out. So Twilight gets pissed and goes to find Spike so she can whip out the belt. Purple parents are the worst, but purple slave owners? Damn. Talk about a taste of your own medicine. Twilight confronts Spike and tells him that while, yes, those were some slow and embarrassing moments out there, ultimately everything went right for the games, so there's literally no harm in any of this. Purple bitch speaks too soon, though, as one of the ice arrows has shot up into a cloud above and created an ice cloud that's about to fall on the ponies below! ....Okay, a frozen cloud is a concept. Heheheh...........................God my comedy is going soft. There's no time to cut the disabling spell on the unicorns, and the pegasi can't lift the cloud on their own. There's only one person at the games that can save the lives of thousands! CAPTAIN AMERIC-I mean SPIKE! By hopping on several pegasi, he unleashes his mighty dragon fire breath to melt the cloud of ice. Once this is done, the crowd cheers in glory for his majesty Spike the great. The princesses even come to thank Spike personally for his act of heroism. Lucky bastard. ...................................... .............................................................................................fuck, that's gonna be taken out of context, isn't it? Welp, suck my balls, queers. Spike receives all the praise from his friends and the entire city, and he reacts with a resounding boost of confidence. That is, that's how this episode would've gone if it was written poorly. Instead, Spike receives all the praise from his friends and the entire city, and he reacts with a resounding..."yeah, I guess". He says that it just so happens that he can breathe fire, and that if any of the others could've done something they would've. Twilight realizes that, throughout Spike's story, he's felt like he's let everyone down, but people keep telling him its all good. The only person who's gonna make Spike feel complete in what he's himself. Later, in the journal he writes that all the praise in the world means nothing if you don't feel it in yourself. Holy shit, a really deep moral. did I miss this? Even at 15 I should've had some kind of grasp of these kinds of things, or else I wouldn't have started this review series three months later. I guess this goes to show you how time and maturation can change some things. Err.....Spike? You've got a little...octopus cum on your face. In the end, Spike gets to light the fireworks that close the ceremony. And so concludes "Equestria Games". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Huh...that was...actually another good Spike episode. I don't know what I was thinking before, but Spike's story is truly the saving grace of this episode. Sure, we get reminded of a bunch of different shit episodes, including Rainbow Falls given its seminal place in both the key arc and the Equestria Games arc. And, yes, this is something that bogs the episode down a little. But in the end, we get this really powerful moral about self fulfillment. Being a musician, this hits right home. I've actually directed people to check out some of my work, and then have them come back and say "Oh wow, this is pretty great. I like [song name]", and felt the chilling bite of realizing that the song they think is so great, is the song I hate the most and feel the most regret for. Their comment of praise for it meant nothing. I knew what was wrong with the damn song, I could hear every mistake, every missed opportunity, every piece of shit moment that made the song unbearable for me. My opinion of my work did not wane just because someone else thought it was amazing. That can be reassuring when it's praise for something your passionate about, but regardless, true fulfillment comes from yourself. So, yeah, like future episode "Canterlot Boutique", this is another moral that hits me right in the nuts. This is a genuinely good episode, and while it might have been an anticlimax for the Equestria Games arc...let's be honest...this arc was going nowhere fast anyway. I'll give "Equestria Games" a 9/10. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here we are, the season four finale. Come back next week where we take on both parts of "Twilight's Kingdom", and always remember that your family is edible!
  7. Oh yes, far away, but still coming ever closer to "soon". Relatively, if I go on reviewing season five until years end, then season six reviews will begin in 7 more months. It's like waiting for a child...or the genocide of a nation.
  8. Y'know what I just realized? It's time for the SEASON FOUR WRAP UP OF MY LITTLE PENIS: FUCKING IS MAGIC! We're only four episodes to the conclusion of season four! Can you believe it? I can't believe it. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. Can you believe it? And with this comes a few announcements for the "schedule" of future reviews. I intend to wrap up season four by the end of this month on June 30th. Yes, that's two weeks away, which means today we review "Inspiration Manifestation", next week we review "Equestria Games", and on June 30th we'll do both parts of "Twilight's Kingdom". With this in mind, I'm going to take the entire month of July off from doing reviews like I usually do. Except now I'm going to be taking my breaks after I finish one season rather than whenever I feel tired. Keeps shit balanced and what not. Then, on August 14th, we'll come back and take a look at the fifth season, which should go pretty quickly considering I've already reviewed five of its episodes back in 2015. Those episodes were the premiere, finale, "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" and "Slice of Life", and all five of them will be skipped as a result, leaving just 21 other episodes to review before year's end. So...that's the plan. And if you don't like it.........that's nice. Now, let's get this show on the hoe. This is "Inspirati-"...Oh, right, I have to say "why did I say what I said when it aired?". *ahem*.....What did I think of this episode when it first airsoft? Alrigh- ....BAHAHAHAHAHAA. Ah, that's funny. I actually had HIGH hopes that season five would've been a GOOD season. What a naive little shit I was. Okay, okay, this is "Inspiration Manifestation". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode opens up with, WOW, WHAT A SURPRISING TWIST FOR A PLOT DEVICE, A BIG EVENT. This time it's the "Foal and Filly Fair", which is probably the laziest party concept I've ever heard from this show. It's like they've run out of things for people in this world to care about enough to party over so they just put names with puns and poetic devices in them. Suck my dicks. We cut to Rarity, who claims that even though her audience this time is young, it doesn't mean they don't deserve her best creative work. No truer words have been spoken, except for "Africans are the reason we have AIDS". Apparently Rarity is trying to sell a travelling puppet theater to a travelling puppeteer. But he thinks the cart is shit, which sends Rarity into despair. So did McCarthy realize how shitty "Rainbow Falls" was and was like, "yo, nigga, I'mma check your work on your next episode. You ain't fuckin' up that hard again. Not on my watch. Dumbass."? After the "Skip Intro" button becomes my story editor, we see Rarity in shambles as Spike tries to cheer her up. So he and Owlowicious go to the Castle of the Two Blisters to see if there's a spell that can help her create something in time for the fair, which is about to begin. Inside they find a secret chamber with hot oily sexy Rarity porn a book that can help inspire the creative mind. Ah, so that's how the Rolling Stones are still a band. Too bad their music sucks donkey dick. Right, so this spell gives Rarity the power to zap anything she imagines into creation....kind of like...."Power Ponies" no, not another thought about that. Except, this power seems to send Rarity into a devious quest for creation. She goes back to find the puppeteer and give him exactly what he wants; a blowjob! And then after that, she gave him the theater he wanted. "Wow, you even included the stash of weed!" So Spike leaves Rarity alone with the book and goes home. The next day, Rarity has gone into a creation frenzy like a true bible thumper. Her boutique is flowing in fancy dresses and what not as her mind slips into oblivion. She even mentions sprucing up Ponyville a bit, and urges Spike to let her keep the book even longer. Spike, oblivious to Rarity's spell-induced insanity, agrees, and the pair venture out to paint the town. Literally. Cue laugh track, roll the credits, lick my anus. She finds Applejack's apple cart and bedazzles it, suggesting to Spike that they should keep the book as well as her acts of community service a secret between the "three of them". The third person she's referring to is the book. Yeah, I want to slaughter Rarity now too. As Rarity continues doing such grand deeds as giving Rainbow Dash a dress mid-flight and giving Fluttershy's bird a mansion of a birdhouse, Spike starts to realizes that his crush has gone insane. And once she's stated that she won't stop until the entire town has been reformatted in her new image, Spike starts to think...murder's a nice solution. But is stopping Rarity worth the cost of losing her as a friend? ...Yes. But what does my opinion matter? Spike can't bring himself to be blue-balled at a time like this. Spike decides to take the book from her in hopes that it will break its influence on her. However, this proves harder a task than he thought since Rarity's got it safeguarded on her saddle. He uses Owlowiscious as a distraction and finally snags it, but when Rarity beckons him, the only logical thing to do is to swallow the book whole. Ah, yes, indigestion is a wonderful thing. Why, last time I had that was when I shoved those sensitive Russian documents up my ass, and let me tell you, I couldn't shit for like twelve weeks. But even though the book is being boiled in belly acid, Rarity's power grows stronger. Spike realizes the only way to take Rarity off this crazy train is to tell her to fuck off...himself. Ooooooh, are we gonna see some character development between Rarity and Spike's dynamic? ...Yes. But what does my opinion matter? Wait a minute, that wasn't an opinion......FUCK ME. Therefore, Spike tells Rarity the truth: she's become an awful terrible piece of shit-sucking fuckazoid bitch face sparkle whore and she needs to shove her own horn up her own asshole before he does it for her. And we are to recall the final words of the spell: "only when true words are spoken will you finally be set free". Telling Rarity the truth of the matter instead of bullshitting her all this time was indeed the medicine that cured our favorite town prostitute. AVATAR STATE MOTHERFUCKER In the end, Spike learned that being honest with your friends is probably a smarter course of action then just yes-ing them to death. So concludes "Inspiration Manifestation". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Uuuh, yeah, still a pretty solid episode. The continuing maturation of Spike's dynamic with Rarity from a simple crush to an honest friend has been something that I've said way back in "Secret of My Excess" is one of the stronger arcs in the series, despite it seeding root in a pretty shit episode. This is one of the stories that I had in mind. Having Spike be honest with Rarity and telling her that what she's doing is going way out of line is one of his standout moments as a character. And it happens right here in this episode. There's still some good comedy here and there, though it wasn't the funniest of the whole season like I said when it aired. Perhaps the only complaint I could pose to this episode is that I wish Rarity's breakdown was more...I don't know...natural? As in, I feel like this moral and this episode would've been a lot stronger if Rarity had started going overboard by her own free will rather than the enchantment of a spell. The spell's inclusion made it another one of those times where we know a character isn't showing any real flaws because they're not in control of themselves. This is true here. In that last scene Rarity acts like she doesn't even remember what happened, which is quite disappointing from a storytelling perspectives since Spike gained so much development from it. Despite this...yeah, probably the best Spike episode by far. I'll give this a solid 8/10. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ....Yeah, yeah, you know you saw it coming: Africans are the reason we have AIDS.
  9. Wh ...Really? ...Hmm...I must've been smoking something (likely weed, given that quote is from 4/20), 'cause I always remembered this as a really bad episode. Eh, well, let's see which two evils I go with. This is "Trade Ya". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this episode opens up with some of the worst exposition I've ever heard. Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle, explaining to the other ponies why they're at the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange thing....WHILE THEY'VE JUST ARRIVED BY TRAIN TO THE RAINBOW FALLS TRADERS EXCHANGE. Like, the other four had no idea why they were going to this place? Why did they spend time packing all their luggage to go, then? Just fucking awful exposition. 0/10. As they enter the event...............oh yeah, "triggered 'cuz Ranbaow Fauls is shit episud", there you go.............*ahem*.............they find that Twilight Sparkle has a whole welcoming committee considering she's a special guest. Why, you my ask? Uh, gee, I don't know, maybe because she's A FUCKING PRINCESS? How nice of the show to acknowledge such a pivotal plot-point once more. After the Skip Intro button skips introductions and cuts right to the dirty sex, we see all of our main characters indulging in the festivities. Rarity notes that you can get anything you want here, which is actually true. I went there myself once, in search of a crotchitizer, a syringe full of toothpaste for anal injection, and a chair with seven legs, and there was a whole stand dedicated to those specific items! They even had a combo deal. Buy one chair with seven legs and get three syringes full of toothpaste for anal injection free! That's when I traded my sister off to that pimp, if you can remember that joke from ages ago. Anyways, we finally see Twilight here at her bookstand. "I've got twelve copies of 50 Shades Darker I need to expel." So now it's time for our main characters to split up into groups of two as per course of the writers. Rainbow Dash explains that they have a signed first edition of a Daring Do book out there, and she's gonna get it. Hey, Rainbow Dash. Since we're referencing a bunch of shitty episodes in this story, from "Rainbow Falls" to "Spike at Your Service" and even "Power Ponies"....why are you leaving out "DARING DON'T"?! Don't you fucking KNOW DARING DO PERSONALLY? Can you not ask her to sign any old first edition book yourself? Right, so Rainbow Dash's storyline is already bullshit, therefore Fluttershy decides "I'll just insert myself into this subplot for later use". Meanwhile, Rarity and Applejack decide to pool their stashes since they're both out in search of vintage shit, all the while Pinkie Pie stays with Twilight to help her auction off the books she doesn't want. Okay, so now our stories are set. Let's follow the worst one first: Rainbow Dash. She finds the book she's looking for, but the trader says she does not want Rainbow Dash's rusty horseshoe. She's instead in the market for a blowjob an Orthrus, which one of the other traders has. Ah, I see, so not only is this plotline going to be convoluted from the jump, but it's also going to propel forward through the dullest shit imaginable. Rainbow Dash is going to go from trader to trader getting things for the previous trader to get the trade from the original trader just to get the book. Wash, rinse, repeat. Rainbow Dash stands in horror as she realizes her subplot in this episode is doomed to suck. Let's take our minds off of that, though, and focus on Rarity and Applejack's story. Both ponies happen to have found a super rare "vintage" item that's going to cost all of their collective stuff. As each opposing member examines the other's vintage item, we find that they're both extremely petty things. Applejack wants a rusted pan, and Rarity wants a broach she already owns that's just slightly aged. Both ponies think the other's item is shit, which leads to a clashing of the viewpoints. We'll return to this momentarily, we now have to focus on Twi-.........err..........back to Rainbow Dash's story? Uh.....okay. That's a bit odd. You'd think they'd got through the three subplots in a cyclic manner but....ugh, whatever. The Orthrus guy does not want Rainbow Dash's horseshoe either, but instead wants a new lamp in exchange for the Orthrus. So they go to a stand full of Discord lamps to find that the guy at the stand wants an antique chicken statue, and the antique chicken statue guy wants a crystal chalice, and the crystal chalice girl happens to want a rusty horseshoe. Perfect. So they trade that rusty horseshoe only to find that the chalice instantly breaks upon being touched. Fuck. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie saves Twilight from selling all her books for some kid's broken pen. This proceeds to occur: ...Okay, it's clear to see which subplot is the best. Weanmhile, Applejack and Rarity have practically reversed their positions. Now they're competing to be the "better friend" by letting the other pony get what they want with the stuff they've pooled. This...actually got a little bit of a smile out of me. Not bad. Back to Rainbow's Shit Story. The chicken guy actually wanted a broken chalice for his broken chalice mural, so they trade the chicken to find that the lamp guy is out to lunch. Fuckity shit fuck. Meangirls, Pinkie Pie is exploiting Twilight's princess status to auction the books off. There's this pretty funny joke that got a chuckle out of me where Pinkie Pie says that Twilight was a big fat zero before she was a princess right in her presence. Anyways, back to Reading Rainbow. They finally manage to get all the items through everyone to trade the Orthrus for the book only to find that the bookseller no longer wants an Orthrus. God this Trader's Exchange is contrived. At least when I went you could hold people by gunpoint. Fuckin' pansies. Anyways, when Fluttershy shows her that the Orthrus just needs to be trained, the bookseller decides to give her the book IF Fluttershy stays with her and her house until it's trained. Rainbow Dash...........agrees. ..........Whore. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFActually, you know what I just realized. As much as this part of the episode forces the mediocre moral down the chimney, it's actually a little more believable that Rainbow Dash would do this when you consider they paid extra close attention in the dialogue to make sure the audience realizes that Rainbow Dash doesn't realize what just happened. If you look at her in the moments when this is said, she's almost in a trance. Given last episode focused on her inability to focus, I'm actually less pissed with this part of the episode than I was when it aired. It's still shoddy, but not as shitty. Besides, she realizes she fucked up pretty quick. Menopause, Pinkie Pie has finally set the price too high for the books by noting how valuable they are to Twilight, which sends traders away but makes Twilight appreciate the books more, deciding she doesn't want to get rid of them. So, is the lesson here to hoard your shit? Huh. Too bad the best of the subplots gets a sour ending. Rainbow Dash comes in to interrupt everything by trying to get Twilight to say that the trade between Rainbow Dash and the bookseller was which Twilight explains that it unfortunately is. Most people are like "BUT TWILIT THATS UR FRIEND TOO"....and I call bullshit. Yes, Fluttershy is Twilight's friend too, but someone in a position of power needs to be unbiased to make decisions. Twilight would've been accused of bias if she said the trade was unfair. I'm actually more impressed with this trial scene than anything else, despite it being a completely useless 50 seconds in the story that could've been saved if Rainbow Dash had just rejected the offer in the first place. So who ever thought we'd see a purple pony up on that stool, huh? Huhhhh? Hehheheh. I'm a racist! In the end, Rarity and Applejack make up (because their plot got completely sidelined) and everyone learns that friends are more valuable than objects...which you'd have to be a serial killer in order to think this moral's pretty much only for me. Doesn't make it any less shit. So concludes "Trade Ya". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ...EHhhhhhee.eHEH. This episode's kind of off and on. While I have very few complaints with the Twilight/Pinkie and Applejack/Rarity stories, the Rainbow/Fluttershy one was pretty bad. It had a sloppy setup that I've refuted in the beginning of the review, a pretty dull string-along, and an ultimately shoddy resolve. I mean, it wasn't as bad as I remember, but that doesn't mean it wasn't poorly done. The other two were okay and rather good subplots that fell off the end due to the pacing of the episode. Twilight's story ended up virtually promoting hoarding considering Twilight decided to keep books she wanted to get rid of because she had no room for them, and the "Rarijack" plot was ultimately relegated to a running gag that was just "resolved" by the epilogue 'cause they very literally ran out of time. There's some pretty funny moments here and there in the episode, but with all these plots kind of tangling each other up and resulting in a pretty vapid moral, I'd have to say this episode's a bit of a clunker. "Castle Mane-ia" was the better episode in terms of splitting the group into twos. I'll have to give "Trade Ya" a 5/10. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The ethnicity I hate the least is the most recent one.
  10. Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3 / Somebody please decapitate me / I need some weed or a nose full of speed / I like big tits.............err...........greed. There, I finally wrote out a poem that's not a haiku and it only took me 77 entries to do so. Now you can all shower me with money and hot naked women. What did I think of this episode when it first aired? ................K. This is "Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode opens up with Twilight encouraging Rainbow Dash to study hard for her History of the Wonderbolts exam, which will determine if she qualifies to become a Wonderbolt. She encourages her so much that she decides to tutor her! Err....oookay? I mean, the only difference between this and dancing elephant eels is that the latter is a situation that would actually occur. I don't know many people, even friends, who would jump at the chance to tutor someone else. But, whatever, it's Twilight. After the "Skip Intro" button c-...oh, hey, there's the dancing elephant eels...she begins trying out some methods to help Rainbow Dash learn. They begin with reading and highlighting...which doesn't work because Rainbow Dash highlights everything. So she tries a history lecture, which actually results in a pretty funny scene where...for no fucking reason...Rainbow Dash starts rhythmically creeking on a chair while Owlowicious and Spike respectively toot a melody and play a snare drum. Like, they just fucking come out of nowhere and start doing this. It's fantastic, especially Spike's face. You know, on the MLP Wiki, the caption for this segment is "This is glorious". I have to agree. Look at Spike. He looks like he just fucked all three of the CMC at once. Rainbow Dash gets fed up with this boring shit, though, which prompts Twilight to throw a pop quiz at her. Only when Rainbow Dash fails each question does she realize, "I'm retarded", and panics about learning what she must. She starts blaming Twilight and burns history as a waste of time, which leads to a debate that can only be broken up by none other than...Fluttershy. She suggests that maybe we should try other teaching methods, for instance, a play put on by all the pets. So, Fluttershy also knows the history of the Wonderbolts. Well...she's a Pegasus, maybe they teach that in...Pegasus school. Like how they taught me how to skin humans in church. When this clearly doesn't help Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie shows up to suggest musical intervention as a method of learning and proceeds t- ... No no no NO NO NO NO NO, FUCKING NO NO FUCKITY FUCK FUCKER FUCKTOWN, SON OF A FUCK-SHIT COCKMOUTHED MOTHERFUCKING BITCHMONGER, NOT IN A MILLION CENTURIES ON THIS BRIGHT ASS EARTH, OR IN THE HEAT DEATH OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE IS THAT EVER GOING TO BE OKAY. That's not even remotely amusing. This part is so gimmicky you can just feel the show going "HEUHE, WE'RE FUNNY AND RELEVANT EVERYONE LUV US." I'll take Spike's face over this any day of the year. So, aside from that awful sequence taking place, why does Pinkie Pie know about the Wonderbolts' history? Are they just going to shovel through all the main cast members and pretend like it's normal for everyone to know the Wonderbolts' history by heart EXCEPT for the one pony who needs to know it? .........................For fucks sake, that's exactly what's gonna happen. Alright, points off for this shit. No way in hell is it realistically possible for Rarity and Pinkie Pie to know such convoluted history offhand and not Rainbow Dash, the only pony in the group that gives a flying fuck about the Wonderbolts. In the spirit of Sgt. Pepper's 50th anniversary yesterday, here's a good analogy. Me being the only person in my circle of friends that gives a shit about the Beatles (which is true, but I digress), but everyone else is able to name every song they ever recorded on every album they've ever released and can recount their entire history on command except for me. Does that make any lick of sense? Nope. SO RARITY takes Rainbow Dash back to her boutique to display a fashion show regarding the Wonderbolts history...which freaks Rainbow Dash out for some reason. Applejack is there in easily the best scene in this whole episode. First, she slights Rarity off hand by stating "this fashion show nonsense wouldn't help me learn nothing either". We subsequently see Rarity display this face without any of that cheezy tuba musical cue that tells the audience to laugh, and so it just comes off as this deadpan burn which is hilarious. So Rainbow Dash eggs Applejack for a study technique, to which she replies, "who me? Oh, I got nothing." This almost saves the convolution of before considering there's at least one pony in the group that doesn't know jack shit about the Wonderbolts. Finally, when Applejack asks how much time she has to learn all this, and Rainbow Dash states that she has 12 hours, Applejack goes: "Ah, then you're up a creek" and walks off screen. This interaction is fine art. Applejack joins Spike's face in the Hall of Fame. Finally, Rainbow Dash gets overwhelmed and depressed and storms off, saying she'll never pass the test and that she's too dumb to learn anything. FINALLY, RAINBOW DASH ADMITS HER STUPIDI-*ahem*, I mean...those points I took off? They're slowly getting earned back with every passing minute succeeding Pinkie Pie's bullshit. This is one of the deeper looks into Rainbow Dash's character, as I'll talk a little more about later. As she flies, we see Rainbow Dash as she takes note of very minute things, and saves Twilight from an attacking helicopter while the two are talking. That's when Twilight realizes Rainbow Dash's learning curve and comes up with a plan. After she take her on one last flight, Rainbow Dash realizes that she's learned the entire history of the Wonderbolts. How? By planting subliminal messages like illuminiggas on the ground below while they were flying, Rainbow Dash took note of every minute thing like she did before. They had costumes, buzzwords, and big signs just like the feminist rallies, and it all worked! Rainbow Dash knew fuckin' everything! Rainbow Dash finally learned the history of the Wonderbolts, but taught Twilight an important lesson about individual learning methods. Dash, of course, scores a 100%. Cue 80's music and roll credits to the moon. GOTTA HAVE A MONTAGE. So concludes "Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ........Nice. Yeah, aside from that blip in the middle with the awful Pinkie Pie rapping and the convolution of everyone except for Applejack and Rainbow Dash knowing the Wonderbolts' history, this was a pretty amazing episode. I must not have been paying enough attention when I first watched this. Rainbow Dash has some incredible depth in this episode into what I can only assume is her own form of ADHD. We see a character struggle with learning things both the traditional and unconventional ways, which results in Rainbow Dash calling herself a stupid loser with no future. Pretty powerful shit if you ask me, which makes the look on her face when she finally learns what she needs to learn all the more rewarding. We also get a great moral/fuck you to American school systems in this episode. No one way of learning is going to work on everyone. Individualized approaches are the way to go, which is something that has enormous real-world applicability. To ice this bitch of a cake, we have two great moments of comedy that had me fuckin' rolling; Spike's face and Applejack's scene. All of these are some pretty great reasons to love this episode, so much to the point that I can even overlook those two minutes in the middle that had me pretty pissed. Yeah...fuck it, I think "Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3" deserves a solid 10/10. Been a while since I've given one of those...............wait a minute, no it's not...I gave a 10/10 two episodes ago. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I manufacture AIDS.

  12. Just before we begin, I'd like some props for this episode literally being 4x20 without me making any Applejack eats celery/smokes weed jokes....................................... ...mostly because there were no opportunities to do so. Anyways, blazeit: Really now? Well, if "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils" is any indication, then maybe this season can save itself after all. ....wait a minute, I just remembered something. Josh Haber wrote this episode. You know Josh Haber's last episode was? Simple FUCKING WAYS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND just like that, my confidence in this episode's quality has dropped substantially. Let's crack into "Leap of Faith". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this episode opens up with Big Mac and Applejack in a pond splashing water at each other in what I think is the shittiest animation the whole series up to this point. It looks like a fucking toy commercial it's so bad. What a great start. At this rate, next scene will involve Rainbow Dash getting syphilis. Wait a second, that's not a good allegory, 'cause that would actually please me. Everyone tries to encourage Granny Smith to get in the pond with them, but she goes on a long-winded explanation about why she's afraid of water. After the "Skip Intro" button blows me some minty-fresh fellatio, the Apple Family notice a bunch of sick and hurt people walking in unison like a band of zombies to a circus tent. You just can't make this shit up. When they go to investigate they se- .................Right, BRB. HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S THE FlIM FLAM BROTHERS YASSSSSSSSSSS GURL YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS *ahem*. Alright, I'm good now. Err, they proceed to sing a rip off of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy song, now trying to pawn off their magical sickness cure tonic. As it "appears" to work on some members of the audience, Granny Smith is sold and decides to buy the tonic so she can regain her youth again. Applejack remains skeptical, but the old hag certainly gains a few springs back in her step after she downs the shit, even to the point of being able to swim again. Hey, how handy! This only makes Applejack more skeptical as she and Apple Bloom try to figure out what's actually in that elixir from the depths of Hell. When they arrive, they find one of the same ponies that were cured in the first show...pretending to be cured a second time. Logically, Applejack and Apple Bloom chase this fucker down until they learn his name: Silver Shill. Wow, what a standout name that doesn't sound like any other character's name in the show ever. They discover that he's part of the act, and follow him right to Flim and Flam themselves. Applejack confronts them about their bullshit, but explain to Applejack that even if their potion were just a mixture of apples and beet leaves, this tonic is making Granny Smith feel better. So, basically they say, "what's the big fuckin' deal, bitch?" Applejack contemplates her existence while Apple Bloom watches porn for the first time on the big flatscreen TV to the left of Applejack. Back at the pond, Apple Bloom asks Granny Smith to help her compete in an aquabatics competition...'cause...y'know...that's been Apple Bloom's dream this whole series. Therefore, in order to compete, she buys the Flim Flam Brothers' entire case of elixir. When people start asking Applejack if it really works, and she replies that it seems to work for Granny Smith, everyone is instantly prepared to chuck all their money at the Flimmerfloosels. Why is this important? The Flock'o'Fuck Bros. turn Applejack into the poster-child sponsor for the syrup, which in the event that the tonic doesn't work for other people, means the whole town will totally turn on her and burn her alive until she's a nice, crispy lunch dish at Apple Bloom's school. Later, at the aquabatics competition, everything goes off...without a hitch surprisingly. This even promotes the Super Mario Bros. to make the Apple family the official spokespersons for their tonic. Applejack, however, is not putting up with any of their crap. There's no time for Harplejarkle to kick Superior Mario Sibling ass today, though, because Granny Smith has gained enough confidence to do a legendary dive! Awwww HELL yeah we're gonna see some pony blood TODAY! Granny Dipshit takes one last sip of the potion before jumping to her doom, but not before Applejack lasso's her ass and saves her life. Son of a bitch! I wanted to see some gory gut-busting explosion shit this morning! A nice beating heart stew on the grass below where the ants can build their next mound. Can you imagine it?! Those little fuckers creating a network of tunnels through Granny's tangled intestines. It would've been amazing! And Applejack just had to go and ruin it! What a sick, evil, twisted bastard she is. She should be annihilated! Eviscerated! Turned into apple cider and sold on the black market in exchange for foreign child slaves! Then we'd see some real action in this fuckin' country. Goddammit Applejack, ya ruined everything! ... Oh, and this is a key episode apparently. REEEADING RAINBO-...wait, I should save that one for Twilight's key. That'll be funnier. Applejack fesses up to the crowds, exposing the Flavor Flav potions as a fake! This of course, prompts the whole town to accuse Applejack of lying...which she admits to. Sorry......what? She...didn't lie. At all. The only thing she ever said was "it seems to work for Granny", which were TRUE STATEMENTS by her account. Anyone with vision could see that it seems to work for Granny Smith. That doesn't mean it fucking does. Everyone else made that conclusion. Therefore, it's the townspeople's fault for jumping the goddamn gun. Of course, this doesn't make for very good PR. So Applejack goes the whole sentimental route of "hoping to gain the public's trust once again" like some kind of celebrity Twitter apology, and Silver Shill ultimately fesses up and admits to this all being bullshit. Then he gives Applejack some money...which is about the sorriest fucking excuse for a key yet. Also, I like how all the other ponies had their keys given to them by characters that at least had some spotlight in this episode while Applejack gets this side character that had all of two scenes of screentime. GG, now it's time to indulge the journal. Oh my GOD that looks genuinely retarded. So Applejack learns that having others believe a lie is about as stupid as that picture up above, and thus concludes "Leap of Faith". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...Eh. There's some pretty good things about this episode. The conflict of having Applejack choose between being honest with the public and maintaining her family's happiness is certainly an interesting one. We see Applejack deal with two things that make up her character; her loyalty to her family and her honesty, clashing directly against each other in a way we haven't seen before. That's very nice and all, and would've made for a "well-written episode" like I mentioned above if the last four minutes didn't take a nosedive. It's no Equestria Girls leap, but the fact that she admitted to lying when by all accounts she technically didn't, and that this ended up being the lesson taught in the's shaky at best. Even the Flim Flam Brothers weren't that interesting in this episode, basically just retreading their ground from "The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000". Ultimately, "Leap of Faith" is an okay episode with some okay writing. Nothing special, though, by far. I'll give this episode a 7/10. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- America is a systemically oppressed country.
  13. What did I episode of this think when aired it first? Really now? Hmmmmmm.....those are some big shoes to fill. Well, let's see how time can fuck things up. This is "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This episode opens up with Sweetie Belle waiting on Rarity to overview the costumes she made for her school play. However, Rarity is far too busy trying to perfect the dresses for one of Sapphire Shores' orders...'cause...err...remember her from season one? Once she remembers that the opening night for her sister's play is tomorrow, Rarity shits a brick. Speaking of defecating pavement blocks, after the "Skip Intro" button makes me pass a rectangular prism of cement through my bowels and out my rectum, we see that it is indeed premiere night and Rarity is not present with the costumes. Sweetie Belle fears her sister will let her down "again" until she finally shows let her down "again". You see, Sweetie Belle is unimpressed with the modifications Rarity made to Sweetie Belle's dress, but the show must go on as they say in the concentration camps. ......You know what? I agree. Those dresses look like sidewinder vomit. Alas, all the ponies that attended the school play......which are all adults for some reason...............pedophiles....................................are just flustered over the play and...the superior craftsmanship of the dresses from the pits of Hell. Sweetie Belle, as a result, becomes rather infuriated that her sister upstaged her..."again". You see, Sweetie Bell wrote, directed, and starred in this play, and yet all anyone can talk about is how amazing Rarity's dresses are. these ponies have dayjobs or was there nothing better to do on a Tuesday or whatever than to watch this school play? I mean, it's just the fucking Cutie Mark Crusaders but half the town showed up, and the last time the CMC dealt with adults was during that whole...Gabby Gums shit. So, where were we? Ah, right, the pedophiles who came to the show didn't care about anything but those sexy dresses the CMC were wearing. Sweetie Belle, being the ARTEESTSTS that she is, gets pissed off her tampon and goes to yell at Rarity for taking all the glory out of her big night, and with so little effort. Sweetie Belle says this is just like her fifth birthday party, with the lapdancing Vietnamese whore and that one guy who sold crack to all of her friends, with her father criticizing her for having two nostrils instead of one like he does, and her sister trying to jam her dick into Little Tommy's naval...........oh, wait, sorry, that was my fifth birthday party. "And you didn't even give Little Tommy any cab fare. Slut." That night, Sweetie Belle finds it hard to sleep believing her sister sabotaged her play on purpose. Therefore, after she takes out a lace in the dresses for Sapphire Shores that practically ruins the structure of them all....she finds it much easier to sleep now. I don't care what anyone says, that's a genuinely funny scenario. All of a sudden, Sweetie Belle starts to have dreams. OooooOOOooh. Dreams about winning a Grammy for her play, until Rarity comes along as a giant storm-cloud here to literally rain on her parade. "Comedy". Not to fear, though, 'cause here comes Princess Luna to save the day....creepin' in on children's dreams again.....yay. That said, I'm genuinely pleased to see Luna, but you know what I just realized? Princess Luna, through seasons three, four, and five, have appeared in one of the CMC's dreams to overcome a real-world problem. For Scootaloo, in the very concluded "Sleepless in Ponyville", Sweetie Belle here, and later Apple Bloom in "Bloom and Gloom". Seeing as I'm not very far into season six right now, I wonder if that was building up to something, or if it was just a little running gag. Anyways, Sweetie Belle realizes she's dreaming, and opens up to the Princess about her big sister problems. This is where Luna talks about how she's able to relate to Sweetie Belle, having an overshadowing big sister of her own, and therefore has struggled with doing the right thing in the past. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH this episode scored major points. Meanwhile, flashback to....the fifth birthday party. "I had type 100 diabetes back then." Sweetie Belle explains that she had it all planned out: she was going to make a grand entrance as her friends waited for her downstairs. It was going to be perfect! Then, everything changed when the fire nation-I mean, Rarity, stole the spotlight with party favors and cake. One of her "friends" even says out loud, "who needs the party girl when you have the party girl's amazing sister". What....a...BITCH. I say we castrate her and send her into the pits of the damned, forever to blaze in a thousand years of grotesque Korean men gobbing her genitals like Tasmanian hog-monkeys. WHO'S WITH ME?! .............Right, just me and my own middle finger. As usual. Alright, so after this, Princess Luna suggests that maybe there's more to this story than meets the testicle. She time warps back to about 5 minutes earlier where we see her friends bored waiting for her. Then, we learn that Rarity was trying to saves Draft* Sweetie Belle's party by giving the guests party favors and cake. There's a part of me that wants to make a "Rarity's a prostitute, so party favors are party favors" joke, but...wait, nevermind, I just made it. There you go. Sweetie Belle considers that maybe her sister isn't a piece of shit, and to twist the knife around a bit more, Luna suggests that she take a look and see what could happen now that she's sabotaged Rarity's headdresses. Basically, it descends into this super grim imagery where Rarity goes fucking insane to the point of not designing dresses anymore. This is your brain on drugs. Any more questions? After this, Sweetie Belle wakes up in horror, and tries to rectify this situation. Except, it appears that Rarity's already disappeared to Canterlot to show Sapphire Shores the headdresses. So she gathers her friends...for some reason...and it's off to Canterlot to save Rarity's life! A hilarious showtunes joke is made on that train. But who cares, the succeeding scenes involve the CMC swinging across tightrope through a door to stop Rarity from descending into darkness! And wouldn't you know it, they do it! They get in there, steal the box, and fly around the building like a bunch of maniacs, distracting Rarity long enough for Sweetie Belle and Luna to fix the stitching of the headdress. After Sweetie Belle explains the whole situation to Rarity, know...of course...they bring the headdress to Sapphire Shores together. And wouldn't you know it, she loves it! Cue sisterly blah. .....................Blah. So concludes "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Um....yeah, this episode is pretty much fucking awesome. First of all, the plot is actually a good one on its own. Little sister feeling overshadowed by her big sister and what not. This for Sweetie Belle and Rarity actually turns out some great dynamic, so that's a passing grade right there. Now, that plot could've just worked out well on its own, but they added Princess Luna to the mix. This made things infinitely more interesting, because given Princess Luna's backstory and trials across the first two seasons, we know that she has a long history of trying to live out of her sister's shadow. The fact that she as a character in and of herself was able to overcome this, and that she's able to apply that here and actually help develop Sweetie Belle, is bringing it all full circle. That's a beautiful thing and a damn good piece of overarching storytelling, but catch this. They also added dream elements to this, 'cause Princess Luna's here. And, way much more so than "Sleepless in Ponyville", do we see how far the dream montages can go. It's not full-throttle pink elephant drug trip stuff, but there's some pretty heavy imagery going on here. For instance, when Princess Luna stomps her hoof and she and Sweetie Belle stand motionless while the sound effects and animation make you feel like you're hurdling through time at the speed of light, or the "Rarity's Mental Breakdown" montage. All are some excellent visuals and some pretty heavy imagery juxtaposed to Sweetie Belle's psyche during the episode. It's really quite gripping. Sprinkle in some great comedy with a good moral, and you have the makings for one of the heights of season four. I haven't felt so enthused of an MLP episode in a long ass time, and "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils" brought it all back home. As a simply divine episode, I'm giving this story a solid 10/10. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why are Europeans not classified as bacteria?
  14. Praise the day chopped sperm tail medley was invented as a dish. Let's see what my opinions were on this episode when it first aired: ........Well, I've not written such thrilling, well-thought out reviews with my classic stamp of comedy since "Simple Ways". Let's dive into "Maud Pie". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this episode begins with all the ponies arriving at Pinkie Pie's....................anonymous building I don't think we've ever seen before...............where she implores them to taste test a bunch of rock candy that she's forged for the arrival of her sister, presumably the titular character of this episode, Super Mario. After the "Skip Intro" button makes me wanna fuck a a good way...we learn that the candy is not only for Maud, but also for the rest of them so that they can all make rock candy necklaces together. I remember when I met my good friend Ted Bundy near the lava pits of Dis, and we made friendship necklaces. They were eyeball necklaces, but friendship necklaces nonetheless. Therefore, I can sympathize with the premise. Pinkie Pie assumes that she, her sister, and her friends will all become the best-est of best-ish friends, and proceeds to pick Maud up from the train station while the other five nigglets set up a picnic for the lot. Everyone's quite nervous to hit it off with Maud for Pinkie Pie's sake, but when Maud finally arrives...slowly walking over the hilly brush...the ponies learn that she's basically a monotonous bore to contrast with Pinkie Pie. And we fucking love it, don't we folks? "This rock is the exact size and shape of my last kidney stone." When the other five ponies try to make conversation with Maud Pie, we learn that Maud's behavior is liken to that of someone with a severe case of......oh, how do I put this in the most politically correct terms.............Assburger's Sydrome. This makes for some great comedic moments coupled with the dull delivery of her lines and the way the animators tackle her facial expressions, like when she says that the game of Camouflage is "like Hide and Seek but way more intense", they lift up her eyelids to accentuate the extensive "way", but in a very sloth-like manner to the point where they don't even bulge like you would expect. This episode is full of halfway anti-jokes like that, and we fucking love it, don't we folks? So after a fruitless game of Camouflage, Pinkie Pie takes Maud back to her house to try the rock candy they're going to use to engage in incestuous intercourse make their friendship necklaces. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND here's the problem with this episode. Pinkie Pie's insistence that her friends become best friends with her sister when they lot of them clearly have nothing in common is ridiculous. You can't force anyone to be friends with someone else, especially when their interests so obviously divide to great distances. This concept is pushed to more ridiculous and plot-crippling extremes in season five, but this is the first time chronologically in the show that I'm noticing it. Therefore, the five dumbcocks deduce that the best course of actions is for each of them to try to befriend Maud one at a time rather than all at once. First up is Rarity, where Maud insists on crafting a scarf out of a dishtowel. Ahahah......heh..............*ahem*...................................... Maud and Pinkie Pie while watching the ever-thrilling film adaption of "Fifty Shades of Grey". Next is Fluttershy, where Maud dismisses interest in animals in favor of rocks. Aha..........................................................*coughs blood*. Y'know, I remember finding this episode absolutely hilarious because of Maud's dull delivery. What happened? I clearly didn't outgrow deadpan humor. Kyle Eschen videos still make me jizz blue slurry. Even the more recent "The Gift of Maud Pie" episode made me laugh a lot harder than this one currently is. Err.....I mean........Maud Pie, don't we...fucking love it, folks? Well, let's see. The episode isn't over. Even "The Maud of Gift Pie" didn't have me completely rolling on the floor until the end of the second act. This is only the first half. Let's continue with the Maudening of the friends. At Twilight's, Maud recites a poem about rocks: "Rock. You are a rock. Grey, you are grey. Like a rock, which you are, rock...................I've written thousands". Meh, that joke was pretty good. With Applejack, we see Maud peeling apples by completely obliterating them with rocks. Okay, that was also pretty good. Finally, with Rainbow Dash, we see her and Maud participating in a rock-throwing contest. When Rainbow Dash manages to throw a moderately-sized rock across the pond, Maud shows her up by throwing a rock way over the hills of Ponyville, where it lands off in the horizon, causing a massive explosion that sends ripples through the air and blows almost the entire pond on to Rainbow Dash. ...Ah, there we go, I actually laughed. About fucking time. Remember when we used to drop those on Japan? That was fun. Back at Pinkie Pie's, once everyone's realized that they don't have anything worth sharing with Maud, they finally break down and admit to Pinkie Pie that it may be impossible for them and her sister to become friends. Finally, someone fucking says something. This obviously disappoints Pinkie Pie, but if I'm perfectly honest, I couldn't give less than one rat's molten ass. Pinkie Pie has gone full retard if she thought she could force people to become friends with each other. I feel like she learned this before, though, about not trying to force friendships. Oh wait, she DID. In "A Friend in Deed", when she tried to get Cranky Doodle Donkey to be her friend. If she learns this same lesson by the end of it all, we can add this to the list of season four rehash morals. Well, let's see if I'll be brushing my teeth with cyanide juice tonight. After Pinkie Pie's fit of disappointment in not being able to bring everyone closer together, she decides on one super-activity that will bring everyone closer together. An obstacle/puzzle course called "PinkieRainbowRariTwiAppleFlutterMaudSuperCaliFragilisticExpiAliDociousMegaUltraQuasigenderFuckazoidTicktardNigerianAIDS-SandwichKikeDoodlePantsFunTime". This insane course of epic proportions includes an applesauce tunnel for Applejack, glitter fabric for Rarity, running through books for Twilight, "critter time" for Fluttershy (yikes), a cupcake dome for Pinkie Pie, a rockslide for Maud, and it all being a race is for Rainbow Dash. The other stuff is all represented by the word "gay" written on a big billboard. I smell a vomit coming on. The others show concern for the safety of participating in this clusterfuck of fuck-all, so Pinkie Pie demonstrates how each task is done. Except, when she gets her leg caught in the rock slide and the whole thing starts to fall apart, Maud super-runs to the rescue and basically digs the biggest boulder in the rockslide into dust with her own hooves........sorry, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? This insane ability of Maud's comes out of left field without the slightest of explanation other than "duhhhhhhh sister love lul sing me a Frozen song". After that clusterfuck, Maud basically says "this is bullshit, I don't have anything in common with these ponies, screw you guys, I'm going home". Just when you wish that was the end of the episode, Twilight deduces that they all have one special thing in common with Maud that only the closest of friends could share...........their love for Pinkie Pie? Ah yes, of course. You see, if you're best friends with ya nigga, and yo nigga has a brother who's very close to ye nigga but he's a serial killing rape murderer, that makes you super ultra best friends with that person because you both love yi nigga a lot. BULL. TOTAL BULL. And of course, when Maud is asked if she agrees with this sentiment, she breaks into emotional whimsy and spouts out.............."Sure". ....................................................................Alright, that made me laugh pretty hard, especially given the ridiculousness of the "resolve" up to that point. In the end, Maud receives all the many friendship candy necklaces, and puts them all in a box with all the other necklaces Pinkie Pie's made. As Maud explains, she doesn't like candy. "Heathen. Away with your head. Put her in the chamber with the hounds where she can rot in a thousand days of the torturous removal of the flesh from her bones. Candy reigns supreme says the Princess of Friendship!" And so concludes "Maud Pie"..............................................wait a minute, what the fuck was the moral of that? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Looks like yet another polarizing episode. "Maud Pie" has some good comedy in it, though a lot of it is rather hit or miss compared to future Maud appearances. This aspect surprised me given how much I remember liking Maud. And I do, as a character, she is quite the antithesis of this show's colorful cast of smiley fucks. Her dynamic with Pinkie Pie, especially that scene on the train where they share just one-on-one dialogue, is certainly interesting. It's just that I guess I expected to laugh more like I've done with Maud before, and that just didn't happen this time. Maybe that's for the better, because it allowed me to see this episode's somewhat flawed storytelling. Now, granted, there's nothing wrong with the pacing or anything wrong with the way the story is told, it's just these key elements that drive me up the wall: the premise and the moral. Pinkie Pie trying to force her friends to become best friends with her sister is a stupid premise because 1) It's a goal that becomes rather annoying and grating after a while given we know these ponies aren't getting along, and 2) because Pinkie Pie learned not to force friendships before. I'm being a little lenient on how many points this flaw deducts, though, because there's admittedly one thing that makes this episode different from the likes of "A Friend in Deed". In that episode, Pinkie Pie was trying to force a friendship between herself and a stranger. Here, she's trying to force a friendship between two parties that she knows very personally and assumed would get along well. I can believe that Pinkie Pie would want her friends to become friends with a relative because I can believe someone would want this in real life. Usually, though, people in real life realize when it's not gonna happen, which brings me to the moral, or lack thereof. What the hell is this episode trying to teach? That if you and a stranger have a mutual friend or otherwise strong bond with the same person, you should accept that stranger as your own friend despite whether or not you two get along? Maybe that would work when you two have to share time with the mutual friend, but not when trying to click on a one-on-one basis. This episode, to my memory, is the first of a handful of episodes moving forward, both in this season and most prominently in the next, where we see our characters trying to push off friendship as an abide-by-or-die practice. It only gets worse from here. So, what about this episode? Were the flaws of the storytelling matched or outweighed by Maud's characterization or her dynamic with Pinkie Pie? I think they both share equal footing, honestly. The positives in this episode are just as valid as the negatives. I think I'll give "Maud Pie" a 6/10 overall. And...yeah...Maud isn't quite awesome just yet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All I want for Christmas is a Pakistani pair of boob legs.