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I'm terrified right now.

lomk

Entry posted by lomk

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College has been great and all but now I'm coming up on finishing my fourth year and getting that degree and finding work. And I've been looking places where I can find work.

 

I found a summer internship that is about an hour and a half's drive away from where I live. They're looking for an auditing intern. That would be nice since internships are where you go to get work experience when you go apply for a big boy job. I'm thinking about applying for it. I'll have to find housing over there, but that should't be a huge problem..

 

But, truth be told, I'm terrified. I'm not afraid of not landing the internship. I'm afraid that I will get the job. You might call it being afraid to grow up and work. I'm not afraid of working. I'm about ready to see all this time I've put into college finally pay off (even if it's to the humble tune of $16 per hour, which isn't great if you've spent 4 years of your life in college, but hey, it's an internship so what would you expect?) and I can finally get started on my career. I'm definitely not afraid to work.

 

My fear is this: What if I've spent all this time in school and it turns out to mean nothing in the end? What I mean is what if I've just wasted four years of my life? What if I get this internship and it turns out that I can't stand the thought of wasting my 20s away working late hours at the office? What if spent four years and thousands of dollars on a degree that I hate? Those thoughts scare me to death.

 

But very, very soon, it's all going to be very, very real.

 

It feels like that scene from "A Goofy Movie" when they're coming up on the junction and Goofy asks Max "Okay, left or right?" and right as they're about to crash the car, Max screams, "LEFT!" That's how I feel right now. That junction in my life is coming up very quickly. I know what I should do. But I'm frozen in fear. If I go one way, I'm getting a good start to my career. If I go the other way, I'll eventually have to tell my parents that I still haven't even written my resume. And after I told them I've given it to, like, 6 different banks. But if I don't do anything I'll just crash at the Y.

 

It's so scary. This was a time in my life I couldn't wait for. And now it's something I'm completely unprepared for.

 

At least talking to my mom about being afraid of this helped me feel a little better.

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Twilight Circuits

Your worry is needless. Simply accept that you are afraid of success but you are closer then most to obtaining it. But happiness on the other hand, is something you find while on the way. Will you be happy with your choices is the question? Well, you made the choices to get where you are and where you are going, the only thing you can do is learn IF those choices, didn't pan out. That doesn't mean it's all over. You pick up and move on and move ahead while still looking around. You're choices to persue a desired career and direction are already further ahead then many people get at your age. You should be happy about that.

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lomk

Thanks, Circuits. I did call me mum back and she took some time to talk to me. She's busy right now since it's tax season so that was pretty awesome of her to do that. My nervousness is pretty silly. But I checked the mail and I'm already getting solicited to buy college graduation announcements. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be where I am. Six years ago, before I was ever accepted into the foster family I hold in such high regard, the only way we're not family is that we don't share the same lineage and last name, I wasn't sure I'd even finish high school. It's not that I'm unhappy to be where I am. It's that there are so many uncertainties ahead of me and I tend to be risk-averse. So I'm just scared to go forward, though I know I'll have to. And I will. But with that and my lack of self-confidence, It's going to be tough... 

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Twilight Circuits

I was adopted at age 8. I quit high school and entered the workforce. I did later get my g.e.d. and get into IT as i love computers. But I myself would eventually put in all that time and effort to find IT wasn't my thing as I like computers as a hobby.

  Change is inevitable. It creates a false lack of self confidence because it is you that is changing and no one else is changing with you. You walk forth and press forward with your head high in that you made it and are making it. But what 'it' is that you are making is you, and no one else. And while you are making yourself into something that accomplishes things while no one else is changing you are happy. And while you are happy with this, know that others will share in your pride, and others may not.  But you're still doing what you can, and being better at what you can be, which is above all, still light years ahead of most.

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