There are two songs that pin exactly what my anger is like. "Animal I Have Become" by Three Days Grace and "Monster" by Skillet. When I listen to them I can feel the hope of being rid of it but I also feel the despair of it existing. Somewhere between there's the primal bloodthirst and anger itself wanting to be set free. Normally I don't listen to them for that reason but tonight I'm diving head first and hoping to drown. When my temper is in control those songs titles can't be more literal. The lyrics themselves define my exact thoughts and emotions concerning the subject of my temper.

Anywho tonight I've decided that if, given the chance I was born to be "evil", that maybe fighting for control of my anger was a waste of time and energy and that I should just let the kind me die off and let the monster deep inside that is my anger have my body and be free to use it however it sees fit.

Everywhere I turn in life there's always darkness or something that upsets me or angers me. I can't escape no matter what I do or where I turn to. Instead I'm giving up the fight. That's not to say I'm gonna go to the extremes but it is saying that from now on that anypony that wrongs me in any way is going to be informed so, vocally, in a not very nice way, Do unto others will be one of my mantras.

The cause of all this? Life so far, people in my life, conditions of my life. Tonights cause of thirst? the fact that my best buddy is letting his "gf" rule over him. I mean think chryssy and shining armor but with humans instead and not magic but control through manipulation of emotions and thoughts using words. She's skilled enough that he left his family after her mouth got her kicked out for being disrespectful to the household and it's occupants.

Tonight that cheeselegged chihuahua tore after my ankles because I didn't go to a demo derby with them. My reasoning for such is that his mother went into the er for a kidney infection (didn't know at the time). We didn't get home til 2 am. I decided that since I didn't know how long I'd be asleep for (4 or less hours the previous night plus a day full of heavy beephobia action, heat problems and dehydration along with my jerk of a stepdad being his stereotypical self) that I wouldn't go. I woke up in time to go but only because my body (damnable bathroom breaks) woke me and pretty much ruined their day when they happened to call.

So now my former bro told me he's done with me. Doesn't help she's pulling the strings and basically not letting him and I solve this as two adults. My reaction is pretty much the same as any animals; you mess MY family AND MY terf and then have the gall to bark challeneges to me in a cowardly fashion over facebook? Why not finish crossing the boundary line and face me head on. IF and WHEN she doe's I'mma vocally tear into her so fierce. She takes it farther than that it's on her. Anypony tries to step in they'll be warned not to once. After that they'll also be on the verbal receiving end.

As for equestria I've had a few calm days to relax and I've used every night to sit out on top of carousel and think. Unfortunately sometime in the night rare decides she's not going to sleep with me brooding out on the roof. She'll literally drag my zoned out carcass to bed and breakfast time the next morning I'll wake up right on my usual pillow. What I'm brooding about? A way to return to my herd and my kingdom, and the fact that I'll stand out from the herd because of my lack of my spirit. The birth of kiara's and mine's brother the prince and how I won't possibly be there and how angry that'll make a few certain female, and the fact that despite being used to the whole hero thing I've forgotten to check for and "soldiers" from certain forces of enemies I used to fight being in equestria.

Anywho I'm gonna go pace and let the monsterous animal or the animalistic monster get some much needed fresh air before he decides to do so himself.