Welcome to my first blog. Pleasure having you.

 

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I'm here to do a few things. The main point, actually, is for myself. The aftermath I want for you and you all to be able to use as guides for yourselves... in order to better your own mindsets, if either possibly troubled, or if even just fine, I am damn near sure that such a case that I will be laying out here, that such my own example, is something that can help you to feel better about yourself, whether or not you need it --- I just like helping others. It just so happens, I'm good at helping others by helping myself, and relaying the logic of the process to others.

 

Anyway...

 

Prologue:

I am not of a distressed mind. I am not depressed.

I am but only stressed. And, I am a nonchalant person.

To be quite honest - blunt really - currently I am "pretty good."

But I don't want that. I want to be... content. Now...

 

I know there is no problem because I'm doing fine. I know there is no problem, because of the way my own personality is so structured as to disallow my self to become depressed. That is, in other words: due to my inherent diehard nature, in and of itself being bestly defined by the phrase I inherently follow - "If it needs done, do it."

 

But, of course, there is obviously a reason to even have this blog. The reason is that I know I'm not content --- but I know just what do, or rather, knew just what to do: create this blog as a way to "logic through" my feelings and find the rationale I'm in search of.

 

Therefore, though while there is no "problem" --- there is something to be done, and I need to do it.

 

 

 

 

Pre-Body:

 

If you know me at all... If you have seen my posts and/or statuses... If you are, and have been my friend here...

You know me, and you how I am inherently: Honest, blunt, traditional, and yet, verbose.

A convoluted contradiction may I seem on the surface, let me tell you I am really not.

I try to be as clear and transparent as possible.

And... I don't lie. I hate lying.

Lol.

 

Body:

 

Currently I am a sophomore in college. I've grown up my whole life, except for the most recent college years, (therefore my first 18 years), in a small, country town in central Illinois.

 

I used to be... a spitting image of that of which I now stride not to be...

I used to be close-minded.

 

I honestly know that I couldn't help that. Having been born a generation Y, but actually raised more like a generation X child due to having older parents (whom, my mother is now 60, my father is now 61 - and I'm now 20).

And, mostly of course, due to the nature of small country towns. That is, that they are conservative by inherent nature - not necessarily politically, but rather, life-style-itically, if that makes sense at all.

 

I am a Christian. But I used to be the kind that relayed the "air" of the stereotypically [bad] traditional style.

I now am, I now have since become, different.

 

Don't get me wrong - I love 90% of the style in which I was raised, which does, yes, include in itself, 90% of the style of religion as well.

 

But... to repeat myself... I used to be the wrong kind of person. A bad kind of person. That is, close-minded.

 

What does that mean, (if you care knowing, see inside the spoiler):

 

 

 

 

How did I change? How have I rid myself of the negatives? In essence: How have I become open-minded?

 

College, to be blunt. College - because it was a culture shock. I am not a big city person, and yet here I am functioning damn near perfectly in my sophomore year of college, in Springfield, IL; in which, comparatively to my hometown, I deem Springfield to be a very large city.

 

My hometown was ... LOL... well, it was, and IS... basically to be blunt: hick.

 

Corn. Cornfields. Everywhere.

Surrounded by corn in all cardinal directions, for miles and miles and miles.

 

A town of 2,500 residents, of which at least 95% being, including myself and my family, and friends...

White.

Country.

Traditional.

And corn. Lmao.

 

And yet here I stand... in college as a sophomore with a current 3.87 GPA...

as...

 

A COMPUTER SCIENCE MAJOR!?

 

Yes.

 

I didn't see fit for myself farming. I didn't see fit for myself even... doing something related to cars. And that's crazy, because I'm a total gearhead, car-nut, Ford truck enthusiast.

 

No... I like computers. I wanted to become a programmer. My goal upon graduating, upon getting a career... upon climbing the ladder... I want to become a Systems Analyst.

 

And damnit, I'm gonna *apples* do it, too. It will be done, I will have it.

... in good time.

 

But, ahhh... here comes the part you've all been waiting for - the reason for even creating this blog:

 

Programming is hard. For me. I'm not inherently a "logical thinker" - not predominantly-intellectually a person who uses logic before feelings and emotion, and that is because I am an emotional person to the core.

And I love that. It's amazing.

 

And believe it or not - I'm actually introverted. I am in no way shape or form an extroverted individual.

Talking; socializing with people in real life; is a grueling task, a trudging job. But I do it, because: "it needs to be done, so it is done; I do; I do, I do [it]."

 

But I am very good with words, ironically. I loved English and Language Arts all throughout kindergarten through senior year of high school (and actually, especially high school).

 

I was a band geek (trumpet player) from 5th through 12th grade; as well as in the same time period, I was a drama/theatre actor/singer/performer.

 

My parents pushed me into other extracurricular activities. Of which I sucked horribly, lmao. Sports. Oh dear, I just couldn't perform in sports at all. I am a well coordinated person, but I'm not physically competitive, but rather only physically apt at doing things in which either I am actually interested in, or in which actually "need done." I didn't do Varsity sports because I just finally said "no" to my parents and put my foot down. Academics come first, and that was that. So, I broke them, and got what I knew was best for myself, was best for my education.

 

And, to even further be annoying to you, I'll be redundant of things I've posted about: for the past 5 summers I've worked for my City under the Street Department, doing work such as: road patching with asphalt patch via shoveling by hand out the back of a ton-truck; digging ditches; painting curbs yellow; picking up fallen limbs and debris after storms; cleaning up streets of dirt and trash; cleaning off storm drains (as we call "catch bases"); and other tasks including changing oil and tires on trucks and tractors.

 

And yet here I am, in college, as a computer science major. Wow.

 

So what the heck is my point with all of this... what am I trying to accomplish with all of these words?

I'm not content right now. I'm not content because I've found myself recently struggling in my college courses to perform at the level in which I know I'd ought to be capable. I worry and stress for my grades to be good because I have to: because I come from a pretty low income, lower-middle-class family, and my partial Scholarships require me to remain above a certain GPA to keep. I know it seems bad, possibly even greedy of me to be worrying about that... but that couldn't be further from the truth.

 

You've got to understand that. We don't have much money. My parents basically live paycheck to paycheck. They both work their arses off. Dad works for Caterpillar - has to drive a 90 mile roundtrip each day to go the city in which is the locale of his job. Mom works for the elementary school, as well as a bank teller on Saturday mornings.

 

We've been through alot of sh--. I cannot lie. We really have. But we keep on keeping on because we are set forth to do what needs done, and dammit, it gets done.

 

I am struggling. But again I swear to you, I am not depressed - no, I am not. I am fine. I just need to talk things out because that's how my mind works.

 

I did alright freshman year. It was *apples* easy compared [even] to the (so far that I've been) [a] sophomore.

Sophomore year has arisen to me much more difficulty.

 

And so I... because I know it needs done, I have to find a way to do just that.

 

Which is why I am here.

 

 

 

 

...

 

I know now after having typed all of the above... I have come to an "ah-ha moment"... of what and why I am struggling.

 

Motivation.

 

While being inherently diehard to "get things done" should make me already have a nearly infinite supply of internal motivation to just do, I've found it actually to currently be inadequate.

 

Even though I am introverted, and that I am a diehard "do-er"...

 

I need some amount of external motivation. It's just logical that I should. I mean, everyone does. It's just nature, it's just natural. We need something other than what is just inside our heads to push us.

 

For the longest time, I was finding external motivation within music.

I'm a rocker.

I love rock music.

 

"It's true the way I feel, was promised by your face; the sound of voice of your voice - fading on my memories, even if you're not with me, I'm with you."

~ Linkin Park...

 

*wink*

 

But... alas...

 

Help. LOL. I need help here guys and gals.

 

What am I looking for? How do I find some extra, external motivation, besides that of which I already do actually have?

 

I don't know.

 

And yet, I know I will succeed. Somehow. It will be done.

 

I am strong. I am headstrong. I cannot be broken. I will not fall. I shall conquer.

 

So, I know I will find it.

I know I will wind up in the end here, getting through this mess.

Successfully.

 

I just needed to put all of this in written language; I needed to see these words.

And because I inherently knew what these words would bring me, are also capable of bring others; I knew they would be able to help you.

 

Even as I now haven't just yet gotten through it, I know these words have power within them.

 

I know there are others out there in some kind of similar position, despite the dissimilarities...

Who need help, too.

 

For whatever this is worth...

 

Stay strong and keep your head up. Don't let hardships bring you down.

 

Make sure to prove that you can define your situation, and from it, understand what you need to do.

 

Even if you don't know the answer, just giving a definition to the situation, and giving a definition to the question of what you need [to do] is going to be a big help in itself.

 

Learn from your mistakes but do not --- I repeat --- do not --- ponder yourself into a mess of being consumed by the negatives, of being brought down to a state of being stuck.

 

Learn from your past, but keep looking forward as you do.

 

Keep looking forward, and therefore you will not fall into a state of being called "in-limbo" where you are stuck.

 

You are amazing. You, are capable. You... will... succeed.

 

Know it.

 

Believe it.

 

Believe.

 

And you will get through. Anything.

 

Epilogue:

 

We are all amazing people, and we all have potential.

 

I have found myself struggling, but I defined my situation, as well as the question that needs answered to "do" what needs done.

 

Live, Life, Love.

 

~ Miles

 

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