For when PrymeStriker finally gets off his ass and reviews episodes in-depth

Alright, so I've finally decided to get off my ass and set up a blog

*Posts one entry in 8 months*

 

Oh, hi, I'm back-ish.

 

So, why haven't I posted?

 

I dunno.

 

Why haven't I gone back and reviewed other episodes of the show?

 

Because.

 

Great, so the fifth season of MLP has finally aired. I'm ready for a seasons worth of disappointment, rehashed morals, and a 100th episode that will either win or fail. What better way to start of the season no one asked for with the episode that made everyone shrug? This...is...

 

CUTIE MARKLESS!

 

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Allow me to visit Google real quick...

 

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Kay, well, this...is...

 

THE CUTIE MAP!

 

I better finish the review before they change the name again.

 

This is a spoilers review. So, basically, if you haven't seen this episode(s) yet, fuck off.

 

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Go ahead, fuck off now...

 

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I've got all day. Really.

 

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Eeyup.

 

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So, we open up with the clumsiest finale recap ever from Rainbow Dash.

 

"We found all six keys, defeated Tirek, and got this sweet castle!"

 

 

Then, for some strange reason, we get a story setup that should've taken at least half of the first act to develop shoved into the prologue. Seriously, this is one of the quickest setups I've seen from this show. It breezes by everything in 10 seconds flat, and I hate it. It's a fucking TWO PARTER! How much time do you need to develop the rest of your story?!

 

So, as much as you don't care, I accidentally clicked off page at this point and lost half of what I'm about to rewrite. I guess that's how much time they needed. Fuck me.

 

So Twilight and friends are on their way to the town, and when they arrive, they f-hold on, shut up a minute. Is this ACTUALLY the first time Celestia was absent from a season premiere? Did they actually do that? I'm kinda impressed. Way to grow up and out, series!

 

#LunarRepublic2015

 

Anyway, when they arrive, they find that the town they've spontaneously decided to visit is about as normal as towns get. Pinkie Pie soon discovers that very fact is the problem...it's too normal. When the gang goes to investigate, they find that everyone shares an equal cutie mark as the townsfolk spit Windows boot-up messages at them.

 

"Welcome! Would you like to upgrade to Windows 8?"

 

We soon meet two of our secondary characters of the hour, Party Favor and Double Diamond, who seem all too pleased to meet Twilight and company. The ships have left the dock, my friends. Fanfic writers UNITE!

 

"Tune in this Saturday, April 4th, for the season premiere of My Little Pony: Friendship is...oh...that's right now.....................um.....................Welcome! Would you like to upgrade to Windows 8?"

 

With that, the White Horse that Laid Back told you not to ride and the Pinkie Pie OTP take Twilight and the Jackson 5 to meet Aria Blaze.

 

Oh, I'm sorry, Starlight Glimmer.

 

...Starlight Glimmer...

 

...Sunset Shimmer...

 

...Starlight Glimmer...

 

...It's a conspiracy! Or laziness, but probably a conspiracy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111112

 

"I'm here to look like Aria Blaze and be a plot device, and I'm all out of being a plot device. Actually, no I'm not. Welcome! Would you like to upgrade to Windows 8?"

 

Starlight GIimmer then takes Twilight and the Wu Tang Clan on a tour of the town by breaking into song. Actually, come to think of it, the only song in the entire premiere. No Celestia and only one song? Sheesh, it's like I'm watching a completely different show!

 

It's like a beauty pageant.

 

After the song is through, Twilight and Maroon 5 decide they want to talk amongst themselves over muffins about the condition of this town, where they meet secondary character number three: Sugar Belt.

 

What? It's Sugar Belle? What? That's not a "T" sound at the end of that name?

 

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Fine, then. Sugar Belle has Twilight and the Osmond Brothers meet her in the basement for some alone time, where, curiously, Party Favor and Night Glider are waiting as well. What, does Sugar Belle keep ponies in her basement or something?

 

"Help us!" "She's trying to force feed us her muffins!"

 

So, as it turns out, these three are interested in how ponies with different cutie marks could possibly click so well together, and are a bit too interested in the different kinds of cutie marks. New fetish for all you clopfic writers out there. They tell Twilight and the Rolling Stones about where Starlight Glimmer is keeping their cutie marks, so they go to investigate with hers truly leading the way. They soon find that it was a trap, and that Sunset Glimmer has come prepared to steal our heroines' cutie marks away!

 

Worst...Road Trip...Ever!

 

Starset Shlimmer succeeds in capturing their cutie marks, and we end part one with...

 

CAPITILISM SYMBOLISMSZSZSZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111113

#MLPConspiracy2015

 

And so concludes Part 1 of this "epic" season opener. Since I'm busy/lazy, we will continue the review in another entry. However, I will post my thoughts on episode one right now. For the most part, part 1 is a nice enough episode. Through it's first, second, and third acts, the episode is paced okay. We establish the setting and the stakes pretty well and all that bullshit, but the setup to this adventure was absolutely terrible. They even make reference to how hastily they jumped into adventure in part two! What the hell is wrong with these people? I'm not talking about the characters, I'm talking about the writers. These idiots chucked everything at us coming right into the story when they could've better paced it by spreading it a little further into the first act and cutting off some fat of the rest of the episode. This really annoyed me, but I can't pin this one fuck-up on the entire episode. This is because the rest of the episode was engaging and passable enough. Overall, I give part 1 a 7/10. Will part 2 fare better than part 1? Will the writers force some factory-made friendship bullshit into the last two minutes? Will I stop making hashtags and various band references? Find out in the second half of...

 

THE CUTIE MARKLESS CHRONICLE MAPS!

 

Part 2 of this review coming on April 5th, 2035. Would you like to upgrade to Windows 8?