*Disclaimer: Very much flow writing, as my mind has been bouncing about around thoughts at the speed of sound that I have to just let loose, and chronology may not exist in this*

 

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College

 

Becoming and an adult

 

Opportunity and free will

 

attachments

 

...

 

It's freaking weird. It's so familiar, yet so unknown. It's so close, yet light years away. I have felt it before. But this isn't the same. It's not the same thing it felt the last time, nor the time before it.

 

What is it? When did I have it? Why did I, why do I, go through it...

 

It's not the same groundhog day deja-vu but still has the same effect.

 

I push it to try and fight back but it's strong...

 

But I won't let it win this fall. I'm stronger now. So it's not gonna win. Not this fucking time.

 

...

 

When I went to college for the first time, back in the fall of 2013 (and dammit if I haven't told that story here before)... I started to feel numb.

 

It was only homesickness for the first couple of weeks but then it changed. And it wasn't for the better. I felt a disconnect from... almost everything.

 

By the time the coldness of autumn's progression came, I was searching for a way to find myself again. At the time, living in a dorm, I had a roommate who was never, never there... because he was always out with his friends or spending the night with someone else. So I was alone. And the irony... oh... how I made it ironic... I purposely locked myself alone in my cooped up dorm room except for when I had to go to class. Around late October I started watching old movies that were favorites of mine from my early childhood. As if that would help!? All it made me do was find the ability to feel again, but it was nothing but pain and sadness, so I cried my eyes out.

 

And one night I just closed my laptop turned off the lights and kneeled down, placing my head on my bed... grasping my hands together...

 

I prayed...

 

*tears*

 

And He answered. Very soon after.

 

Because I found something that would became the start of something new in my life that could keep me grounded.

 

I honestly, honestly was not even skeptical at the least bit. I found out about the fandom, and via the fact that I had just been watching old kid's movies, that maybe MLP would be something better.

 

And it was.

 

Winter of 2013. I found my foothold on my emotions, and pulled myself up... And the power I felt when I was getting back on my feet was beyond the threshold that I'd ever felt before. After watching the first two episodes of MLP I was hooked. It was literally a Godsend, because it was so pure... So pure...

 

Watching MLP while keeping steady straight A's in the Spring of 2014, (my second semester of college), I kept it secret. I was able to do that for a good while keeping strong.

 

Going home for the summer after my freshmen year, I was okay because I was at home... And in the most literal textbook definition, I am a homeboy, a country kind of kin, a small-townsy child trapped inside a body of a new adult.

 

Finally I came to a point where I realized I needed to talk to people about liking MLP, but it had to be online, because Lord knows the kind of folks back at home would just not understand at all...

 

I found MLP Forums, late June, 2014. Hit the ground running, so hard, so fast, I was ready to fly, ready to talk about how much I loved the show.

 

But let me not forget to explain how much of an introvert I truly am... The paradox that I am so verbose, yet I am shy, and introverted...

 

I did find the ability to make some friends. And I am glad I did.

 

But then I relapsed when I went back to college as a sophomore. Went through similar feelings as the last fall, but less harsh. Less harsh, but why? For a couple reasons. One is that my roommate was similar to me, and was there a lot, so I wasn't alone. But he isn't a brony, so that's a no-go.

 

I'll explain the other reason why here momentarily, but first let me explain further the kind of "in-limbo" feeling, the second cycle of my downfall, when I went back to college as a sophomore...

 

Don't misinterpret this for depression; no, no, not that. I don't, and haven't ever had that... But, it's a different kind of thing. A plateau, rather than a slope. But it's not on the same graph, not on the same plane as one's normal plethoric array of emotions and feelings...

 

It's like a glitch. It's like a slip through the graphics. If you've ever seen the movie Inception, think about what "in-limbo" means.

 

Anyway... Back to the other reason that the feeling wasn't as harsh in the fall of 2014.

 

I made a post in a rock thread, if I remember correctly, and I think I was talking about Linkin Park...

 

Someone responded and we clicked, just right then. I befriended him. Being the kind of person, at least at the time, to be able to look at friend's status updates, when I saw that he'd made a subtly sad status I felt the urge to send him a PM.

 

From there we began to get to know each other through PM-ing here, back and forth. Then we started messaging on Skype.

 

I'm... going to save details here...

 

But I got back out of the weird state again, and then when my 4th semester began I was doing well. And did well.

 

College got harder of course. By then I was still keeping mostly A's with a few stray B's.

 

Went back home for the summer. Summer of 2015...

 

It was weird.

 

I didn't have the same job, my parents and I got into a few arguments, I had a bit of an issue at a family party, and some other bullshit.

 

But despite it all, I still cried when it was time to go back to college.

 

And now here I am.

 

Semester 5. Just got through the first week as a junior. Gosh it doesn't feel right.

 

And if my instinct served me right as it always intuitively has seemed to do... I felt it. Coming back.

 

This week.

 

Middle of it.

 

I felt the slight, tiny, subtle onset...

 

And it started again.

 

BUT here I am now, and I'll be damned if I am gonna allow myself to feel the same thing AGAIN this time.

 

I was fooled twice so yeah shame on me, but this is year 3 and I'm smarter, stronger, and wiser than last times.

 

So I came here, to my blog, to spout out, to vent, to try and contemplate 70 million thoughts and feelings all combined into one thread of my conscience...

 

The feelings are more different this time than the last. But it's not full bore yet and that is why I have the upper-hand in this match. I'm going in with a shield this time.

 

At first I didn't know what to use as my shield but then it just ... came to me.

 

My shield is literally the opposite of a shield...

 

My shield is... trying to get out of my old self, my shell... trying to talk more, trying to force myself to see the glass as half full... trying to become MORE than what I am just yet... Because even though I'd sworn that I had figured it out, who I was, last winter, I'm contradicting the past me and telling him off. He doesn't know what I do now.

 

I know more about myself now than I ever could have imagined I'd be able to know.

 

I've explored my mind, my imagination, my inner core, my deep inner abyss...

 

I hacked into my brain and found my mission.

 

My mission, possibly something related to having ADHD, is trying to allow myself to better connect my subconscious to my conscience... bring forward the background, and throw the frontground forward even father!

 

I realized how much of a disconnect I've always had with myself. I realized that there were feelings and beliefs and thoughts and ideas inside myself I never knew was there and I want them to stop hiding and come to life...

 

I know it may sound weird but... I'm sure you've all heard of a mid-life crisis before...

 

Well, you see, I believe there is something I would like to call a quarter-life crisis.

 

Some people may understand what I mean by that, some may not.

 

Around the time that a person starts to "legally" become an adult, but mentally doesn't feel any more maturity or progression... plus and minus a few years...

 

So, the ages of 18 through mid 20's...

 

It's a time where we're told by society that we are old enough to take responsibility for ourselves and everything we do.

 

For some, the road after high school ends may lead to just finding a job somewhere and hoping to find a way to climb the ladder. My father had that. He never went to college, he went straight to the factory after high school. Then he switched to a different company. Then he kept climbing from the bottom of the ladder, and now, he's at a pretty solid position, though he's very close to retirement age.

 

He was forced to adulthood quickly.

 

For him, and others who take that route, I cannot relate, so if they have a quarter-life crisis, it isn't the kind that I'm having...

 

I am in the intermediate stage right now. I just started my junior year of college...

 

And now instead of a dormitory, I'm in a townhouse, and I have my own room.

 

So I'm alone... Again...

 

But as I said, I am going to fight the cycle I've had.

 

I don't know how to explain this... But here goes:

 

We really do have free will, but the problem is that we really don't allow ourselves to totally utilize it.

 

Why? Because society makes it that way. We have to be "normal" and have to find some way to make money to have any kind of happy life at all.

 

I'd love to find someone to live with, you know... after college.

 

But what if I said that the choices I want to make are too hard because of one stupid, stupid fucking reason...

 

Money.

 

And the amount it takes to GO anywhere.

 

You have to have it to make it, and have to have it to even BE, to even LIVE, to eat and drink and have shelter...

 

So you have to find a career. I chose to go to college. No, scratch that. I didn't choose it. I didn't choose it. I just DID it. It wasn't by my true free will. And I'm not saying I didn't want to go, I'm just saying that it sort of HAPPENED and the real me stuck inside had nothing to do with that decision.

 

...

 

Right now, I just want to say that I understand the main thing in life is to LOVE.

 

But what makes it hard is the distance.

 

People really love the saying "oh wow, it's a small world after all, isn't it!" NO IT IS NOT. It's fucking HUGE. And there are SO MANY people that COULD be SOMEONE to me that I haven't met...

 

OR.

 

That I DO KNOW, just not in person, and only know online...

 

And I want it so bad...

 

To be able to have it now...

 

To be able to have TRUE free will to just GO.

 

But that would contradict 75% of what I am anyway. I'm so paradoxical. I love love love HOME and I hate leaving home... It hurts my heart to be away from home...

 

But reality SUCKS.

 

And my parents are nearing retirement... once I'm out of college they will retire...

 

Of course I know they WANT me to LIVE my OWN life...

 

But my hearrrrrt ....

 

So badly....

 

hurts

 

to
know
that I will have to leave them, leave home,

 

Leave to live my own life after college.

 

It's a battle I fight every day now it seems...

 

Knowing that there are so many opportunities... that there's someone I'd like to meet in person so bad...

 

It's a battle I gotta live through in order to keep living...

 

I'm not a person to beg but I pray to God that somehow my life will find its way into what I can call ... Good.

 

Good in a certain... very very certain manner than I can't speak right now... because I know it but can't say it...

 

In a way that I know but can't explain...

 

I'm on the outside looking in right now, trying to see why I have been so lucky to be honest, totally honest... I am lucky... Because I have up to this point honestly been very lucky to have what I have...

 

I don't wish to bother with this topic much but I reckon if it came from my subconsience by way of flow writing it'd ought to be said:

 

I don't know my birth parents.

 

I was adopted from birth.

 

And I don't care about that.

 

Because I have amazing parents.

 

But what I've always wanted, because of my TRUE INNER SOUL, for me being a protector of sorts...

 

I have always wanted a younger sibling...

 

But people tell me "oh you could probably find out who your bio mom is via [bla bla] and see if you have blood siblings...

 

FUCK THAT...

 

I couldn't bare it...

 

Don't you understand...

 

I would be totally crumbled...

 

I would fall down LITERALLY to the ground and cry so much fucking harder than I ever have cried in my entire fucking life...

 

..............................

 

My soul

 

Is loving

 

LOVING

 

I HAVE

 

So

 

much

 

love...

 

And I wanted to give it to kin of my own, but I am an only child, an adopted child without siblings, of parents who grew up in a traditional country, Christian upbringing...

 

I am so confused...

 

I don't even know how I've written so much --- this has all been straight written from brain to finger on the keyboard of my laptop.

 

But it's the TRUTH because I'm tired of living in a SHELL... I want others... I want to tell... I just can't hold myself inside myself like I always have anymore because I have two conflicting strengths fighting each other everday every second... one is my abilitlty to hide emotion and the other is the ability to SHOW it... HAVE it... FEEL it...

 

And I'm tired of struggling to figure out which one is the real me because now I know who it is.

 

It's the one that wants to BE OUT, and FEEL...

 

I am amazed at my ability to keep writing with tear flooded eyes but God has given me this strength and I intend on utilizing it in it's UTMOST potential...

 

I LOVE.

 

And I want to love more than I know about myself already...

 

I used to say that I hated change but that what when I had never left home...

 

That was when I was back in high school...

 

I told myself not to let college change my views BUT I AM SO GLAD IT DID.

 

Because I needed this.... so much...

 

Yeah, I broke down last night for unmentionable other reasons as well but this is different.

 

I just needed to finally, finallllllly LET GO. Let go of being AFRAID of progression and moving forward...

 

It DOES make me sad to reminisce about the past, and my childhood, and my long lost friends who moved away that meant so fucking much to me I can't even explain in words...

 

BUT now I have THIS place to finally TALK...

 

I hadn't really ever TRULY let go until now... I don't know how I kept my feelings bottled... I reeeeally have no clue how... because this is so much and it really is coming from my SUBCONSCIOUS and right now as I have been typing, my CONSCIENCE is seeing who I am on the inside...

 

I am sorry for all the caps locks and all the cussing... Really... I am so so sorry... I am not meaning to intend any of it as yelling; none of this was mad; it was all just pure and simple truth, and that in itself an emotion...

 

Wow...

 

Truth... As an emotion...

 

Yeah, that's.... well I mean this... is the most hardcore thing I've ever experienced...

 

---

 

I have no excuses for any of what I said... it's just the pure total truth... Blunt honesty, blunt truth, in the form of emotion... via typing from the depth of my core...

 

I just needed to let it out...

 

Wow...
is all I can even fathom to think or say about it.

 

Wow.

 

---

 

Love,

 

~ Miles