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Good afternoon, students.

 

Welcome to our afternoon Friday afternoon congregation this afternoon. Last Monday's assignment was to watch the My Little Pony episode "Feeling Pinkie Keen," which highlights everything wrong with satanic devil worshiper that is Pinkamina Diane Pie. I have done this myself, and I have written my sermon today around showing the flaws of her teachings and practices.

 

But first, let us open our ceremony in prayer to our heavenly mother.

 

 

*chants* Agar Bamba raqs mumkin / One I bo'laman sizlar uchun men bo'laman siz uchun / sizlar uchun inoyat a bit / men uchun, endi sizlar uchun men bo'laman / kelib, kelib inoyat bir oz muhtoj. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*Saves Draft*aaaaaaah.

 

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Alright, students, now let's dive in...

 

...and take a look at a scripture from the Holy Solra. Turn with me to Luna 18:4 - 5.

 

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There, it says, "4 For some time she refused. But finally she said to herself, ‘Even though I don’t fear Celestia or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she is destroyed, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’"

 

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Ehh, Luna was going through her 'Nightmare Night' phase at this point......I chose the wrong scripture.....

 

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*ahem*.............This is a spoilers review, so if you have not seen this episode, you are NOT A REAL CELESTIANITE AND MUST BE SEVERELY PUNISHED, CANNN I GEHEHHTT AN AMMEEENJ OONN DAAYAYYAAATTTTTUTTTUTTTUUTUTUTAH!

 

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Very well, let's delve in to see why Pinkie Pie must be eliminated from Equestria.

 

Well, the episode opens up with Sister Twilight and Spike in town. I don't mean to bring up MY FORMER SELF, but I TOLD YOU GUYS THAT'S HOW ALL THE BAD EPISODES START!!!! Anyway, this time, they're not "walking into town" like the others, but rather practicing magic in town. I guess their library was undergoing maintenance at this point in time? Suddenly, they're interrupted by the devil herself, Pinkie Pie, doing crazy things.

 

I bet she's hiding from us Celestianites, of whom are ready to burn her at the stake and make cupcakes out of her. Just like she did to Rainbow Dash

 

Sister Twilight and Brother Spike follow Pinkie Pie to see what she's up to. She says that her tail is a "twicha-twitchin'." Logically, we CELESTIANITES know that this is likely a symptom of a stroke, but to the SHEEP at the First Church of Cupcakes, this is some kind of grail of her majesty. Pinkie Pie claims that it's her "pinkie sense," in which says that things will begin to fall from the sky. Likely story, Pinkie Pie. What's the follow up to this prophecy? It's raining frog-

 

......................................................Not gonna make the joke..........................................

 

...Humph. Well, it's probably a coincidence. As we find out after the title sequence, it is in fact JUST A COINCIDENCE. The local town transgender, Fluttershy, dropped one of his frogs from his act of migrating the overpopulated group to Froggy Bottom Bog. Now, we all know what we CELESTIANITES think of Fluttershy's...species, but we'll save that for another sermon, CAN I GAAHHHENNEN AMMEHMMNNNNN AWWNNN DAHH-*COUGHS BLOOD*...........*ahem*, I can't do that anymore. Can I just get an amen on that? Thank you. Now, back to the story, Sister Twilight becomes intrigued with this COMPLETE COINCIDENCE, but decides to return to her magic practice. However, Brother Spike has converted to the dark side, believing in her so called "pinkie sense." The monster has stolen another of our brethren. Suddenly, Sister Twilight falls in a ditch.

 

Heh, looks like Pinkie Pie finally got to shove a purple pony into her own grave.

 

.....I'm....I'm sorry, that joke was unholy of me. Forgive me, my lord. Please, let's continue the sermon as ruled.

 

So, after Pinkie Pie so called "predicted" Twilight would fall in a ditch, Applejack comes along to clearly bring rhyme to reason. Instead, we find out that Applejack is also one of Pinkie Pie's believers. Fu-...I mean...forget her! She was never a Celestianite to begin with. Applejack says that if "Pinkie Pie's a twichin, ya better listen," which is followed by Pinkie Pie's flappy ears. Again, stroke, but I digress, as it apparently means Twilight's going to need a bath. How ridicu-

 

Heh....let's get Rainbow Dash in here, she'll totally get off to this.

 

Agh...Goddammit...another unholy jest....

 

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.....OH, CRAP, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY "GODDAMMIT," I MEANT....ERR..."

!" PLEASE DO NOT SMITE ME MY LORD!

 

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So...heheh...um....sorry....errr......while Twilight's in the bath...Pinkie Pie explains how her pinkie sense works, which Twilight and the rest of us Celestianites know is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. However, Pinkie Pie soon brings up the argument that our belief in magic is the same thing. Twilight detests this and decides to run a series of experiments to prove that Pinkie Pie is full of crap.

 

Time to thwart your religion with science! That's what smart people do!

 

Unfortunately, for Sister Twilight, this results in a series of mishaps, ranging from an unsuccessful experiment to...well...this series of events. Now, you may be thinking, "Pinkie Pie is trying to kill Sister Twilight!" All I have to say to you, brother, is......probably. She's not dead, however, and proceeds to show immense frustration over Pinkie Pie and her illogical, indescribable "pinkie sense," likely as we all are, dear Celestianites. May I please get an amen on that?

 

Look at her smug smile. The face of the Satan!

 

In this instance, Pinkie Pie's full body shakes, which means she has finally had the stroke....or....not? She...she doesn't show symptoms of having just had a stroke...in fact...after her body shakes intensely...she's perfectly fine. What kind of sorcery is this? Err, I'm sure Celestia has a logical explanation for this. Pinkie Pie continues on to say that something "you don't expect to happen is gonna happen." What? Is Once Upon a Time finally gonna get cancelled? Actually, Pinkie says it's gonna happen at Froggy Bottom Bog, which is where the tranny went earlier in the episode. Worried about their friend, they go to investigate, but I'm sure that there's nothing bad happe-

 

Oh for PIPS SAKE!

 

Pinkie Pie knows everything! How could she predict this but not be able to determine that the leaves have fallen when she said they would never fall?! An enigma, her religion is! I don't understand this! Ugh....let me just finish this episode and then we can discuss why Pinkie Pie is...."the devil." After the gang is chased, beat up, shot at, and blown up, Pinkie Pie tells her "students" in confidence that this Hydra was not the doosey that she explained would happen at Foggy Bottom Bog. Twilight then explodes with fury, as we are no doubt doing, dear Celestianites, and our dear sister finally says that she...

 

......gives up?

 

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She...she says that Pinkie Pie's "pinkie sense...." somehow....makes sense.....................................................

 

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At....at the end....Twilight says that there are wonderful things in this world that you can't explain, but....that doesn't make them any less true......and....you have to chose to believe in them.............................

 

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And...that was "Feeling Pinkie Keen." Um, dear brothers and sisters...what does....what does "Feeling Pinkie Keen" tell us about Pinkie Pie.....and.....and how she's the devil.....? Well, there's...there's only one logical explanation........

 

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Fuck this religion. Fuck it right into the fucking ground, and fuck the rest of you fuckers.

 

"Feeling Pinkie Keen" doesn't teach us anything about how Pinkie Pie's the fucking devil. It's a great commentary on the ridiculousness of clashing religion against religion. Twilight's beliefs were so hard-set on proving Pinkie Pie's wrong, and in the end, it didn't really matter. Twilight just "gave up," because as she said, there are things in this world that you can't explain. Trying to prove them wrong, however, just makes you look like a shitfaced cockbastard of an uncle fucker. Be it Christianity, Judaism, even Atheism, we all have the right to choose what we believe in. A fantastic moral for a fantastic episode. I give "Feeling Pinkie Keen" a 10/10.

 

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As for this religion, I'm officially giving up my post as your preacher today, dear Celestianites. Put simply, it's a chore having to fuck around with you sons of bitches. Do you realize how long it's been since I've said a dirty, controversial joke? I spent the entirety of the last review straining not to say "fuck." This shit is the staple of my review series! So, y'all can kiss my ass as you watch me walk right out of this damn church. God bless yas.

 

*leaves the Second Church of Sun Kings*

 

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*sigh*

 

Look, Pinkie Pie, I know I've broken away from Celestism, but that doesn't mean I want to follow you again. Your episode did help me see the light of religious practice. You've shown me that I have the right to choose who I want to believe in and how I want to live my life. Therefore, I'm going to take my right to choose not to believe in any deity. In the end, I'm just gonna believe in myself and my craft, and when my time comes, so be it.

 

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Besides, you're a cartoon horse. I'm tripping balls. Screw my life, see you guys on Monday.