Oh look. Another pointless rambling blog by Kyoshi. Essentially this is just me shouting into an empty void. I know what I say means nothings, I know these blogs are one of many and they don't mean anything. I still do them though, Probably because I have nothing better to do with my time.

So I got my check. Wowee how wonderful. My check is already nearly gone though. For those that don't know already, I get disability. A simple monthly check that isn't worth jack shit. It can help me stock up on some things, maybe get a game or two, but really, that is pretty worthless. It seems nowadays I am living form check to check. I get one, I then spend it on whatever, get excited for maybe 5 seconds because of the cool stuff I bought, then all of that feeling vanishes because I know I am still empty inside. I know that no matter what I buy, no matter what stupid video games I get or whatever, my life is still as hollow as it ever was. No amount of pointless shit that I buy will change that. That could be the depression talking, but that seems to be getting worse in time. This depression seems to destroy any possible joy I could have from anything I do. As I sit here currently, I don;t see many reasons to go to sleep, because I will jsut wake up to another day of emptiness.

Speaking of video games, I got a few new ones. Woopideefuckingdoo I suppose. I got Overwatch, because I have been hearing the internet fucking rave about this game. Aaaaand...well, it is good. Yeah, it actually is pretty decent, but...it is overrated. Simply put, for $60, this game just doesn't give you much to work with. The game is essentially the same 3 modes over and over, with a ton of characters sure, but at least half of them are worthless. The ultimate abilities of these characters are also a disaster in terms of balance, so I don't get where people are saying 'This game is so super balanced!' I am not seeing it. How this game has a 92 on Metacritic is beyond me, but I guess when you are a critic and get the game for free, it is so much easier to judge a game with a positive outlook. I am a peasant and wasted my money, so I am not as positive. It can be fun at times though and honestly, maybe my depression is making me not enjoy it. The more I played it, the more I felt like I was doing nothing. I eventually felt like I was doing something completely pointless and I felt entirely unfulfilled by the end. I look at other people enjoying their hobbies like video games so much and I am just wondering...how do they do it? I just can't seem to do that anymore. I also got Elite Dangerous Horizons which...yeah, that is kinda cool too I suppose, but thanks to Frontier not caring about giving us any info at all, I am still rather lost on what to do on the planets once I land on them. So yeah, thank Frontier. I guess I will just go to the fan made Wiki as fucking always.

So in the end, it is just another month. Another month of me getting my measly check to sustain my pretty much futile existence. I sit here and think about how I want to enjoy my life for what it is, but then another thought happens. The thought that my life is worthless. That I will be doing the same thing, day in, day out, until I eventually meet my end, with nothing to speak for it. I know I will never be successful, I will never even be worthwhile let alone that. So my life is completely pointless, but I still want to enjoy what I have at least. With the anxiety and depression, I can't seem t even do that anymore. Why I bother even continuing on is beyond me. I just wish things were different, mainly with me. If I weren't me, things would be a lot better.

Now I guess I will have a snack and watch some videos, one of the few little things I do that at least makes me sorta forget about all of this, for only a short while. thinking about what the next day will bring. Or in reality, what it won't bring at all. I don't know if this depression will ever end.