Previously on My Little Stony: The Recap I Did for "A Canterlot Wedding (Part 2)" Was Better

 

Punk-Ass Decepticon: "When the bad seeds are planted, and you dare shed a tear, that's when you know that the end will be near"

 

PryamidStriker: "Who the fuck wrote this on my computer monitor? Better yet, why in red sharpie?"

 

Twilight Sparkle: "Sarah, this is an intervention. We're concerned about you."

 

Aang: "WELL WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT A WAY TO DEFEAT THE FIRE LORD WITHOUT TAKING HIS LIFE I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT!"

 

Satan: "YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES!!!!!!!!"

 

PrismarineStriker: "This is what happens when you try unusual positions in order to save a city without testing your spouse for STDs."

 

 

 

Cue the title sequence!

 

(Come and let's play together / In the bright sunny weather / let's all go to Gullah Gullah Island)

 

Spoilers ahead.

 

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Ah, finally! I get to continue the story of Bungalow Bill. Where we last left our band of assholes, Cadence died or something and Sombra is returning to rape us all. After the title sequence splits my ears into pools of undying boredom with more ungodly compositional mediocrity than a modern rock album, we see that Cadence had enough juice to spark up a force field to keep Sombra out for a little while longer. That's when Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash set out to find the Crystal Heart, in a running sequence in which Twilight....just sort of.....nearly whispers her lines. Egh, that's a bit awkward, but moving swiftly forward, word gets around to Spike that Twilight's searching for the Crystal Heart, which prompts him to want to join her despite being told not to "lift a claw" or something. Once Twilight approves, she reveals to Spike that she thinks the heart might've been hidden in the castle. So....wait....you ran outside and away from the castle..........just to go back to the castle? What the fuck? Were you going for a mid-catastrophe jog?

 

Hey! Remember when you were already here two minutes ago? No? These fuckin' purple ponies......

 

Meanwhile, the other five asshats have to pretend like nothing's wrong, and the intensity of this premiere is repeatedly brought to something of a halt when we have to sit through the trials of Applejack keeping the Crystal Heart under wraps and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy's jousting. Egh....I know the end of part one was exciting and all, but the beginning of this episode retains the first part's initial clumsiness. Thankfully, we return to the actual story as we watch Twilight deduce that the castle has been altered from Sombra's reign. She does one of those dark magic blasts that Celestia demonstrated in part one to reveal a secret stairway. Um, I see her struggle doing that, but she's never tried that kind of spell before. The fact that she was able to remotely do it correctly on her very first practice is kind of contrived. Subsequently, Twilight ventures downward through the staircase, and I'll admit, I half expected her to fly down instead of walk. The fourth and fifth seasons have tainted me so. While conditions outside worsen, Twilight opens a door at the bottom of the pit that reveals a vision of her biggest fear. This reminds me of "The God Complex" from Doctor Who. Just not as boring.

 

"Of course. Who else?"

 

Here is where we see the glass stain of the previous review's greatest comment of all time, in which Spike manages to snap Twilight out of her vision and back to her senses. Although, Spike then see's his biggest fear, which was Twilight sending him away. A decent call-back to "Owl's Well That Ends Well", but moreso just a charming bonding moment. When the two enter the door, they find a more infinite stairs upward, and Twilight gets the idea to turn gravity upside down and slide up the stairs. Fuck logic, that sequence is pretty cool. Meanwhile, as Sombra continues to bypass Cadence's security, the Crystal Ponies get antsy and urge to see the Crystal Heart. Unfortunately, when a unruly beach ball unveils the faux heart, the Crystal Ponies begin to lose hope, and Sombra's power grows ever stronger. You know what just occurred to me? Absolutely nothing relevant, I just remember watching this on TV and seeing about 10,000 commercials for Gak, to the point where there were three commercials in a row. Ah, hilarious good times. Anyways, back to the terror, the Crystal Empire is essentially fucked at this point, but not before Twilight finds the Crystal Heart in th................

 

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*ahem*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

 

THE CRYSTAL HEART WAS FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OPEN ROOM AT THE TOP OF THE CASTLE ALL THIS TIME!?!?! NO ONE THOUGHT TO LOOK UP?!?! Because, if I WAS LOOKING FOR A REALLY IMPORTANT ANCIENT RELIC, I MIGHT HAVE THE DECENCY TO SAY "Oh, gee, I wonder what that glowing thing is up there?" INSTEAD OF WASTE ALL THIS GODDAMN TIME!!!!!!! And THEN, just to ice this whole cake, Twilight gets trapped in Sombra's dark magic crystals as Spike just stands there WITH THE CRYSTAL HEART, stating that Twilight has to bring it to Cadence herself or else she fails Celestia's test. Well, you see, the thing is, FUCK CELESTIA'S TEST. FUCK CELESTIA'S FUCKED UP LOGIC IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE AND SAVE THIS GODDAMN ANCIENT CIVILIZATION YOU COUPLE OF SHIT-FACED COCKBASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Well, this premiere just got infinitely worse. After some more time-wasting, Twilight finally deduces that Spike should probably take the Crystal Heart instead. Unfortunately, since we wasted all this time, Sombra has broken into the empire and salvation at this point seems unlikely. When Spike falls off the tower with the Crystal Heart and Sombra has decided to reach for it himself, Shining Armor throws his wife.............................yikes....................................into the air to fly up and catch Spike and the relic. Evidently, the forward pass is good.

 

Now, Cadence! You must complete the pass for the touchdown of the century!

 

Cadence is dubbed by the citizens as "The Crystal Princess" as she commands the Crystal Ponies to, as Varrick from The Legend of Korra might put it, "do the thing". So, they do their Crystal Pony Love and Harmony shit and everyone gets Crystal Pony toys, Sombra is slain with only four or five lines of dialogue, and Twilight is saved from her imprisonment. From the distance, Celestia and Luna rejoice, because they didn't have to do jack shit. Meanwhile, Twilight's a tad upset that Spike saved a couple hundred thousand people from another thousand years of enslavement and genocide, because she may have failed Celestia's test. Do you fucking see my problem with this premiere yet? Luckily, Celestia isn't as stupid as one might anticipate, and explains that sacrifice for the greater good is more valuable. She also claims Twilight learned this..............even though she didn't. I mean, she had to be told the "answer" by the teacher, so technically, she did fail. I digress, we have a shitty reprise of the "Prepared For This Song" from Part 1.

 

I'm gonna vomit.

 

The episode closes with Celestia and Luna holding an ominous book, and so concludes "The Crystal Empire".

 

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Part 2 is such bullshit.

 

Not only are there pacing problems galore, but there are several things logically and morally wrong with the events that transpire in this episode. Aside from all the awkward voice-animation syncing in the first three minutes and the nitpicks, as I previously ranted, the Crystal Heart was at the TOP OF THE CRYSTAL TOWER. How in Hilary Clinton's rotting menopausal anus did anyone NOT SEE, or THINK TO LOOK UP THERE BEFORE?! It's not like it couldn't have been changed, either! Just have the heart buried underground and this whole part of the episode wouldn't be a fucking issue! It's like a plot device in Transformers: Combiner Wars, where they have to keep "The Enigma" hidden from the combiners, but yet they hold in a fucking open space that is visible from thousands of miles away. What is wrong with writers when they do this shit?! Then, there's the entire ending being so fucking focused on Twilight passing a "test"! I already explained my issues with Celestia gambling on an entire empire, but this is fucking pathetic. I would've expected Twilight Sparkle to be smart enough to say "FUCK YOU, CELESTIA" regarding the fate of a hundred thousand citizens instead of being so sad about saving the lives of people at the end. It comes off as whiny, and blatantly selfish. Even though the "sacrifice" moral is taught at the end, Twilight is still rewarded for passing her "test" even though she didn't do jack shit to earn it. In the end, we learn that this whole premiere was a superficial waste of time. Part 1 might have been balanced out, but Part 2 is such a trainwreck that it ruins a fuckload of the whole thing for me. I'm giving "The Crystal Empire (Part 2)" a 2/10, making the premiere's average a 5/10. This has got to be the worst premiere of the series.

 

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What a steaming bowl of hot diarrhea these episodes were. I can't believe how much I hated this, since I remember liking this two-parter. Looks like that dumb shit someone wrote on my computer monitor was right...the end is very....very near. We'll see how the rest of season three holds up, but so far, I'm unimpressed. Join me next week when we continue season three of...

 

My Little Pony....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

is....................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a marketing ploy by Satan Industries.