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Here No Longer

Entry posted by Here No Longer

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Yet another "Cry for Help" post. I feel like somebody's got to think that this is getting old. But this one concerns thoughts I've had for a while. I'll just get to the point...

 

 

 

 

I Believe that I'm an Aspie

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I know I repeatedly express this feeling, but I feel this need to express my belief that I have Asperger's. I don't know what that need is about (probably the anxiety surrounding it), but I just can't not express it. I have a lot of symptoms that perfectly fit including, but not limited to: social awkwardness, developmental issues (shoe-tying, bed-wetting, and handwriting development in particular), repetitive behaviors, a select number of specific interests, emotional issues (particularly anxiety and depression) and issues expressing them outwardly, repetitive twitches and spasms, talking to myself more than I do with other people, sound sensitivity, an extreme sensitivity to physical pain, social isolation, and being proficient at only specific things. This has caused serious problems in my own life, including communication problems with my teachers and a lack of initiative applying for jobs. I need to get help for this I think, but I'm unfortunately incapable in my current circumstance. It has really, really harmed me, but what can I do if I can't afford anything or go anywhere to get real help, you know?

 

 

 

My Gender Identity Issues

Image result for stevonnie stubble

My gender identity was a frequent topic of discussion when I was on my old account. I was transgender, then I was bi-gender, then I was non-binary, then I just dropped the whole gender thing completely. I'm not entirely sure what I am now. The thing is that I've found that logic and reasoning kind of eliminates the whole idea of multiple genders. I used to believe that there were 11 genders in total, but now I only believe there's 2. But the thing is, my past experiences and my feelings don't jive with logic here. I've always felt at least sort of like a woman in at least some fashion and have always felt sort of off-put by my masculinity. To be honest, it disgusts me in a lot of ways. I know that the people who say "there are only two genders" will tell me that I'm just trying to get attention, but the truth is that I'm not. This is a real issue for me, not feeling right in my own body. Feeling as conflicted and awkward as Stevonnie (Steven Universe) looks. I'm just so uncertain about it all. I feel like I want to express myself more, but I also feel like I shouldn't for the fear that it just won't feel right.

 

 

Sorry for wasting everyone else's time again with these dumb blog posts I keep making. Seriously, they accomplish nothing in real life. I know they bring me a sort of relief of some of my anxiety (some meaning a lot in normal people terms and a little in my terms), but nothing really comes out of them. Why do I keep posting these instead of writing a suicide note? At least that will bring some relief to everyone else if I ultimately decide to end it all. They'll understand my emotional pain much better, and won't just think of my suicide as some sort of random event without reason. I know there must be an answer to that if I just keep on suffering like this... Right? If there weren't, I'd have overdosed on Ibuprofen by now. I don't know if that question was rhetorical or not anymore.

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Cash In

I know the struggles of Asperger's Syndrome and the things that you've listed all apply to me. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 11, wet the bed until I was a teenager, couldn't write properly for a long time - even now I can't write neatly. I'm no professional, but I'd say that it's likely that you have Asperger's. Asperger's can make things rather difficult and I empathize with your troubles.

I don't have any personal experience with Gender Identity but I've had feelings over my identity on different matters. Not the same things, but I've had conflicting and awkward feelings regarding myself as an individual, so I do understand. If you feel different to what you are, that's perfectly fine. 

No, these aren't a waste of time. It can be quite refreshing to release your thoughts into these and if it makes you feel any better, I'll keep reading them. 

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Here No Longer
2 hours ago, Cash In said:

I know the struggles of Asperger's Syndrome and the things that you've listed all apply to me. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 11, wet the bed until I was a teenager, couldn't write properly for a long time - even now I can't write neatly. I'm no professional, but I'd say that it's likely that you have Asperger's. Asperger's can make things rather difficult and I empathize with your troubles.

I don't have any personal experience with Gender Identity but I've had feelings over my identity on different matters. Not the same things, but I've had conflicting and awkward feelings regarding myself as an individual, so I do understand. If you feel different to what you are, that's perfectly fine. 

No, these aren't a waste of time. It can be quite refreshing to release your thoughts into these and if it makes you feel any better, I'll keep reading them. 

That literally sounds like me. I couldn't tie my shoes until I was 10, I needed Pull-Ups (basically diapers for older kids) until I was 13 or 14, and I'm still one of the few people who can really read my handwriting. Well, somebody agrees with me. Some of my classmates who acted like they were my friends  (but were much more like bullies) laughed at me when I made the very suggestion. Yet again, it's always nice to have someone else who can empathize with me, because few people in real life seem to really do that whatsoever. I've been yelled at more than once also over these sorts of issues which makes it a bit harder to open up about it anyways.

It's nice that I'm not the only one with an identity crisis. It's really been a struggle for me considering that I can't find basically anyone in real life to open that up to. I had a friend who considered themselves gender fluid, but I graduated a year or two after I met them. I also had an ex that knew, and at the time he even called me the name I was thinking of changing to after I got a sex change. But them I got conflicted because I inserted logic and politics where I should just go with my feelings. 

Thanks. Knowing me, I'll probably come up with more vents and random blog posts like these. 

 

 

 

 

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Cash In

Yeah, I've been laughed at for the way I do things. I was with a group of guys the other day and I shook someone's hand in a different way to most - One could call it a weird way. The guys proceeded to take the piss out of me, until I got up and left. 

Yeah, things like that can be difficult. I personally don't open up to many, as I fear how people will see me. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts each day, so I understand.

No Problem.

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Here No Longer
On 10/18/2018 at 5:38 AM, Cash In said:

Yeah, I've been laughed at for the way I do things. I was with a group of guys the other day and I shook someone's hand in a different way to most - One could call it a weird way. The guys proceeded to take the piss out of me, until I got up and left. 

Yeah, things like that can be difficult. I personally don't open up to many, as I fear how people will see me. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts each day, so I understand.

No Problem.

I got laughed at for several months for repeatedly opening and closing a door out of a hotel room, because I didn't know how to open it. Didn't really help that I was having an anxiety attack at the time...

That's only part of it. I also am having trouble with it on a personal level also. Part of me feels like I'm just a guy going through a long phase, and the other part feels like I'm at least sort of feminine if not a girl in a boy's body...

:mlp_grin:

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