i'm tired of being tired, of being sad, hopeless, lost...

i'm tired of being in the same fucking state of mind i've been in for the past two and a half years.

Have you ever been so caught up in your own head and emotions that you've completely forgotten who you are and lost touch with the world around you? I'm at that point again. Despite the anti-depressants, despite the therapy, my supportive friends, all of that, I still haven't gotten back to the happy and hopeful spirit I had years ago. I don't know if that's normal, I don't know if it's just growing up, because I never had a normal life. My depression and anxiety as of late has been replaced with a permanent sense of fatigue from the time spent working through all of the issues that still plague my mind, and seem to rear their ugly head every time I begin to believe that I've finally overcome them.

Maybe I shouldn't expect myself to really 'eliminate' my problems. I'm told time and time again that recovery is all about your progress, and not so much totally defeating your issues. Sure, I'm miles from where I started with getting out of the pit of depression I saw myself in at the start of this year. But holding onto hope and faith never helped me. It always let me down in the end. With recent events in my life, I'm not sure if I'll ever reach a point of stability. It feels as if life kicks me down every time I get back up and finally have my own bit of happiness. I hold onto those moments dearly- because I've gotten used to the sense of dread of knowing that the cycle will repeat itself, and I will lose it all again. Nowadays, I feel safer and content in my own sadness, because at least I don't have to deal with the fear of losing the happiness I have while in that valley.

I'm terrified of getting worse again. I try to hold onto what little control I can have so I don't feel powerless over my anxieties. I'll push friends away and be my own worst enemy because I want to have control over my own emotions, instead of waiting around for what my mind believes is the inevitable day that my friends let me down. The only hope I have left to hold onto is knowing that this is my new low, compared to how worse it was prior to my treatment. I could, and have been, a lot worse. But that doesn't comfort me. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be able to believe that stability and true happiness is possible. Maybe it's all a perspective thing, that's what my therapist tells me. Reframe, reframe, reframe. She also says it takes quite some time to feel like it's helpful, and waiting for it to do so is eating me alive.

Life isn't as bad as I sometimes make it out to be while I'm laying in bed at night, staring at the various pictures covering my wall. I have more than I could have ever wanted, I have friends who genuinely care, a job I love, a good life in general. But, I occasionally suffer a loss due to my own shortcomings, which has generated this recent depressive episode. This time though, there's something different in the way I feel I'm responding to it. There is good to be found in even the darkest of days, which is something I never thought true until recent days. If there isn't any other compliment to give myself, deep down I know that I am one of the most resilient people I know. I hold onto that, because my self confidence has slipped away just like my mental health over time. Being able to find light in the gloomy, shadow-filled paths we tread is what gets us to the other side. Even though it can be hard for myself to admit it, due to the thought patterns my anxiety has produced, I can still be happy, and there is joy to be found, regardless of whatever situation I currently face. Friends who make me smile, who build me up, songs to listen to, places to see, food to try, the smallest things can be the most meaningful in those times.

That's where I'm at compared to the things I wrote a year ago. I'm having a terrible time right now. Not a lot is going right for me. Yet, I am not holding up a white flag, nor am I accepting defeat. I know the cycle of happiness and sadness is inevitable. But, just because I'm having a bad day does not mean that good does not exist within it. Like I said, there are small things that bring joy. I have begun to realize and accept that reality, and it has made weathering the storms inside my head much more bearable.

Instead of asking yourself, "How could this day get any worse?", ask yourself, "What things, no matter how small, have been good today?". If you're too down to be positive that day, that's alright, as long as you take time to reflect when you're in a better state. I promise you: there is always a spark of hope in the dark.

Even when you're crestfallen, you are not lost to the current. The waves that try to pull you under will only make you stronger as you push to keep your head above water.