*EDIT*  I originally had an image of some busty women in swimsuits for the cover picture, but the staff recently decided that it was "a little too much"... ...after five years.  Whatever.  That's fine.  I couldn't think of anything else that made sense for the cover picture, and my obsessive personality won't allow me to leave just one blog cover image blank, so, as a joke, I just thought I'd go hard in the complete opposite direction for the cover picture.  And now, on with the show...

BREASTS!!

Now that I have your attention...

This piece is sort of a culmination of a trilogy on why I hate being male.  I recommend reading my previous entry, "Are Men Funnier?" as a prerequisite, as well as Can Men Be Beautiful?  There are other entries would good as well, if you're interested; Sex: Nice Not Naughty would be good, as well as Living on Team Villain, and my more philosophical piece, Shallow, would definitely bring more of the picture into focus, but the first two are the most important lead-ins to this one.

For those of you who have some variety of life, and don't have the time or desire to read a gajillion walls of text on some nobody guber's blog, here's the tl;dr--I am a cisgendered male who greatly despises my birth sex for many reasons.  I don't have gender dysphoria, but I wish I had been born female.  I feel like it would suit my personality better, and I would be more at home in the feminine gender role(s).  I love fashion, and, despite the fact that it makes me sound shallow, I've always wanted to be beautiful, but I feel like that's impossible because society seems to perpetuate this image that men cannot be attractive.

So, continuing from approximately where the last piece left off...  I have always been a very sexually-oriented person, and a very physical and beauty-oriented person.  It's not my fault that I'm this way; I didn't create my brain.  I appreciate and celebrate physical beauty, and I desire to be beautiful myself.  It's important to me.  Unfortunately, that tends to make me sound like a shallow piece of garbage in this culture (or just about any culture, really.)  All I can do is plead innocence and say that I really don't think I'm a horrible, shallow person.  (This is where that Shallow blog post would come in.)  I would sincerely hope that any regular readers of my blog (all one of you ) would be able to ascertain from my writing that I have a lot of passionate opinions about important issues, and a lot of deep values and ethics.  It should, I hope, be fairly apparent by now that I value personality and intellect far more than physical appearance.  Of course it's what's inside that counts the most.  Whaddya think--I'm some kinda monster? 

But the fact remains that beauty and sexuality are very important to me.  I believe that the cash value of the universe, the only reason for any conscious life to exist, is to experience happiness.  I'm not advocating hedonism; I mean, you gotta get some work done sometime or life would really suck.  But the feeling of joy is the purpose to it all, and beauty and sexuality is what brings me the most joy.  (Well, to be fair, I guess it's the fantasy of those things that brings me joy... and simultaneous despair.  I'm what you'd call the "forever alone" type.  )

I love wearing unusual, bold, and provocative outfits.  I make a lot of my own clothes.  I wear a lot of feminine things.  I don't use the term "crossdresser" because I argue that there's really no such thing, that clothes are just arbitrary shapes of fabric, and that any type can be for any person if it fits, but I also wouldn't deny the term.  That's what I am--I'm a crossdresser.  I started down this road because I love female fashions, I really think they look good one me, I think men should be able to wear anything they want, and I resent that male fashion is so much more limited.  Historically, women have been the ones that had less freedoms and had to fight for them, but the world of apparel is an anomalous exception: it's inarguably one area where women have way more freedom.  They can basically wear anything, from the women's or men's side, and it isn't really considered crossdressing.  That's why there's only two varieties of clothing: women's and unisex.  Crossdressing is a one-way street.  I want to tear down the double standard so that one day it will be acceptable for men to wear anything, just as it is for women.

I've always been jealous of women's fashion options, but I'm jealous of them for another reason.  And now you're like, "FINALLY!  Was he ever going to get to the breasts, or was this f*ckin' clickbait?"  Yeah, my point exactly!  Heh... that'll make sense in just a bit.  So, I've always been greatly envious of women's "feminine assets"--their breasts, their boobs, their tits, their knockers, their jugs, their racks, their hooters.  Use whatever slang term you like.  I never personally cared for any of them.  Now, as I said, I don't have gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia or anything like that.  I don't feel like I'm "supposed" to have breasts.  (Although, that doesn't sound like a half bad idea at that.  )  But no, seriously, I'm not supposed to have them.  What I'm jealous of is the fact that women have this bonus, additional asset that drives the opposite sex wild, and men have nothing of the sort.

Think about it: think about how effective breasts are for sex appeal, and the complete lack of anything like that on the male side.  I don't seem to be very effective at attracting a mate.  I don't have many weapons in this fight.  I think I have a very nice body, but women are reputedly not very "visual" when it comes to sexuality and romance, and they can't see my intelligence or personality at a glance, so where does that leave me?  This goes back to my previous entry, "Are Men Funnier," but it seems like women can attract men easily, simply by being female, but men have a much harder time getting women excited.  To be blunt, when it comes to appearance, women literally have more to work with in order to attract the opposite sex.  You girls have an extra part that we don't.  If you actually break this down mathematically, you could theorize that when it comes to actual private or sexual parts, men have two and women have three.  We all have butts and front genitals, but then women have the top assets as well.  They have an extra weapon in this fight.  Yeah, real fair.    One could theorize that women are literally 33% more effective in this area.

Now, I'm not suggesting that human sexuality is actually reducible to percentages.  That would be downright silly.  That point was more for sh*ts and grins.  But I believe that it's an undeniable fact that women have a decided physical advantage by having this extra, sexualized part.  Breasts can be used to absolutely devastating effect for sex appeal.  There's just nothing analogous for men.  Sure, some women might say that they're really attracted to muscular arms, or shoulders, or facial hair or some other such thing, but c'mon...  I mean, come on, dude.  We all know it's not the same.  I can sum up the asymmetry with one word: clickbait.  All guys know about this.  You put breasts in swimsuits on a video thumbnail, and every guy who sees that thing will click so fast it will set his mouse on fire.  (And you may well have proved my point when you clicked on this post.  That was the whole point of the feature photo, and the opening gag.  And don't beat yourself up if you clicked for that; I do it all the friggin' time!  That's the point!!)  There is nothing even remotely analogous for men.  There is no part of the male body that can be used as clickbait.  Not even remotely to the same effect.

In a world where women constantly complain that they wish people would compliment something other than their appearance, or listen to their words, or take their ideas seriously, it may surprise you gals to learn that there is at least one man (yours truly), who wishes that men got noticed for their appearance more.  I'd trade places with ya'll if I could.  Maybe the grass wouldn't be any greener (yeah, I know--I'm the one who said it's dead on both sides of the fence in a past essay), but I'd gladly give it a try if I could.  I value beauty, I want to be beautiful, but I feel like men are never looked at that way, and I can't go five minutes without being reminded of just how devastating of a sex symbol the female form is.  Here's a great little example of what I'm talkin' about: awhile back, I was chatting with a male friend as we played games online, and I mentioned how I've always wanted to have a little gaming youtube channel of my own, but it's something I'll probably never do.  He then suggested I try streaming on Twitch, but then made the joke that I'd have to compete with all the bikini streamers, and I wouldn't stand a chance.  And it's true!  If a woman puts on a swimsuit for the camera, the guys just fly to her channel like moths to the flame.  But if a guy (even a hot, ripped guy) takes his shirt off for videos??

...

Eyup.  That's about the size of it.  That just says it all, right there, doesn't it?

Oh, I know I'm painting with a broad brush, and I know there's probably exceptions, but there is absolutely no comparison.  You know it, and I know it.

I want that power that women have.  I know it's pathetic and shallow, but I want it.  Hands down, the biggest thing I'm jealous of is women's ability to prominently feature and accentuate the breasts through the use of fashion.  Outfits that call attention to the breasts are just to die for.  Breasts are like a fashion accessory.  They're like hot fudge and chocolate sprinkles on ice cream.  Being a fashonista myself, I wish so much that I could have something like that.  Men just have nothing of the sort.  Like I said, even if women say they like biceps or facial hair or something, it is not the same, and you f*ckin' know it.  To make it even more unfair, men can't even accentuate the sexual asset we do have.  Like, even I wanted to emphasize my "male package", (which I wouldn't) it is unattractive, vulgar, and downright offensive to do so.  It's like White Goodman in Dodgeball.  And even if you did that, women wouldn't like it!  It would be off-putting!  Not only do we blokes have fewer assets to work with, society often seems to tell us that the one we do have is ugly and undesirable.  At least... in certain contexts.  I dunno--I get mixed messages on that one, but it's clear that we can't accentuate the male package with outfits.  I mean, obviously.  I'd give anything to have that sexual fashion power that women do.

I wouldn't be so upset if men just had an analogous body part that women didn't have, that could be displayed in fashion, and would excite women to no end.  Let's try a thought experiment: imagine that human males, for whatever inexplicable reason, evolved tails, and females didn't.  I know--it makes no sense, but just go with me on this.  Imagine that, in this world, the male tail was considered a beautiful, sexual part.  Women would go nuts for it, and have all these preferences for shape and length and such.  Imagine that whole outfits could be built around the tail, and it could be featured and accentuated through fashion.  Imagine that there was a multi-billion dollar industry devoted to intimate tail apparel specifically designed to excite women in the bedroom.  Imagine that there was a store devoted to such apparel called "Victor's Secret" that would cause women to blush if they walked into it.  Imagine that if someone put a male tail on a youtube thumbnail, it would cause every woman to click so fast it would set their mouses on fire, and then the comments section would be filled with timestamps of where the tail appears, followed by "you'll thank me later," or "this is why you came."  And if the tail in the thumbnail picture wasn't in the video, then the comments section would be filled with, "f*ckin' clickbait.  Dammit, I fell for it again."  If that was the world we lived in, then I'd be happy as clam.  Well... provided that I was well-endowed in that department, I guess.  Yes, I'm aware of the plights and perils of the other side.

So, that's why I'm envious of breasts.  But there's more to the story.  I'm frustrated by the gender double standard that men can never be as appealing as women in general.  Uhh... here, let me illustrate what I mean with an example: let's say it's a man's birthday.  His girlfriend could give him the gift of "herself", and he'd be ecstatic.  If she had her boyfriend sit on the bed, and the she walked out in fancy, sexy lingerie, said, "hope you like your present", and gave him an enticing dance, he'd just be on cloud nine.  But imagine the reverse: if a man treated his girlfriend to a dance in skimpy underwear on her birthday, it would just look ridiculous.  In fact, she'd probably laugh because it would literally look like a joke.  Alternatively, she may even be grumpy that he didn't buy her a present, and he may end up in the doghouse.  A woman can give sex as a gift.  A man cannot.

That's an illustration of what frustrates me.  I want to be desirable in the way women are.  I want to be desirable to women the way they are to me.  I want it to be 50/50, really.  I think the underlying reason for this is that, for better or worse, my brain is simply wired to love and appreciate physical beauty and sexuality to an extremely high degree (perhaps that makes me a bad person, but again, it's not my fault), and I see women as being so impossibly gorgeous that it's simply magical.  It fills me with a sense of incomprehensible and indescribable wonder and ecstasy.  To me, they're spectacular, radiant miracles of nature--so special that it's as if their very molecules are made of something better, something magical and divine.  I often marvel incredulously at how it's even possible for nature to create something that magnificent.  Of course, it's actually no mystery at all, and I understand the biology of sexuality and evolution perfectly well, but that does nothing to diminish the awe-inspiring profundity that I experience from looking at the beauty of the female form.  That's just how I feel.  The point is, I would want my partner to feel that same way when looking at me, but it feels like that is impossible because I am but a simian, utilitarian male who wasn't evolved to be very attractive to the opposite sex.  That depresses me greatly, and I suspect that I would always feel resentful towards my partner if she didn't find me beautiful in the way I find her.

I always feel like I'm striving to be something I cannot.  I'll never be looked at that way.  For me, this is an obsession, and a black hole at the center of my life that sucks everything else into it.  I like to call this feeling "the tiger and the toad".  It feels as though women are tigers (the most beautiful animal on Earth, in my opinion), and I am just a toad.  I could be the most handsome and sexiest toad in the world, but I'm still just a f*ckin' toad.  I don't want to be a toad.  I want to be a f*ckin' tiger.  Every day, everywhere I go and everywhere I look, it's the tiger and the toad.  Story of my life.

It doesn't end there, either.  There's other reasons why I wish I was female.  I think I'd find the female gender role in the romantic relationship more appealing, including in the bedroom.  I won't go into any graphic detail, there; your imagination should be sufficient.  But it's not just romance and sexuality--there's platonic friendship reasons, too.  I've always been envious of how women (not all, but many), tend to be more physically affectionate with platonic friends.  They hold hands sometimes, they hug more, etc.  I wish I could have those sorts of relationships and experiences.  But the funny thing is, there's nothing really stopping me from doing that with my friends.  The thing of it is, I don't want to...  It would feel awkward.  It's not appealing.  I don't actually want to hug my male friends, but I want to want to.  I resent having this stupid male brain that finds platonic male-male physical affection off-putting.  It's not how I want to be, but it's how I am.  A perfect illustration for this is food: I hate Asian food.  I've tried it many times.  Just don't like it.  Don't care for the whole flavor palette.  But I really wish I liked it.  It looks and smells so appealing, and it would give my rather mundane diet some much needed variety.  I want to like it, but I just don't.  I want to be the kind of person who is more physically affectionate with my friends, but I'm just not.  And neither are my friends for that matter.

I get depressed every time I watch Equestria Girls because of how huggy and physically affectionate they are.  That's the kind of life I want.  That's the pony I want to be.  Every day, I am reminded of how much I wish I had been born female.  It just looks like such a more appealing existence.  It's like looking through a window into a better world.  But I know, I know--I'm sure it's exactly like I said: the grass isn't greener.  It's dead on both sides of the fence.

I reckon most people are fairly content with themselves and their personalities, but I also know that there's a lot of people out there who don't like who and what they are.  It's a paradoxical thing--to be a certain way, to have a certain personality, but to hate it and wish you could have another.  Most days, I wish I could just wake up and be someone else.  Perhaps that's a fairly common feeling.  Why must we suffer that way?  We're the only species on Earth that is cursed with the ability to look at ourselves and think, "I don't like this."

So ends the tales of my sexual saga... at least for the time being.  I'm intending this piece to be the conclusion of these rants, at least for a good while.  I've said enough.  Thanks for reading.