If one is to embrace Lady Eris as their Goddess, then one must know the Five Basics of Discordianism.

• Who is Eris?
• What are the Rules of 3s and 5s?
• What are Dichotomies and why are they so important?
• What are the Five Principles of Discordianism? And more importantly, can we trust them?

Notice how there are Five Basics, but only 4 bullet points? That is because while the Rules of 3s and 5s might be the same, they are simply two different ways of looking at the world. Strike that, reverse it! WE'LL GET TO THAT POINT LATER.

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WHO IS LADY ERIS?

Who, exactly, is Lady Eris? I'll tell you exactly who she is: She is funny. She is intelligent. She is sexy. She is flirty. And more importantly, she is Goddess of Discordianism (and my waifu).

But I am getting slightly off topic here. Eris, as viewed by the Greeks, was primarily the Goddess of Strife and Disorder; however, their views cannot be trusted, for they were (as the Goddess saith) victims of indigestion - remember to check the expiration dates on your Hebrew Nationals, Ball Park Franks, etc., folks. She was emphatically not, as commonly believed, the Goddess of Chaos; that is simply a modern conflation with Her Motherfather - the primordial and formless Void from which She, Her Sister Aneris (otherwise called Harmonia or Order), and Their Brother Pnevmatikótita (otherwise called Spiritualitas or Spirituality) were birthed.

And that, friends, provides a nice segue into the Discordian Creation Myth. In the beginning, there was Void - formless, with no gender or sex, and simply pure, unadulterated Chaos. From Chaos there came Form; and from Form there came twins - Eris and Aneris, both born as adults. Whereas Eris was fun, flirty, and didn't give a load of dingoes' kidneys, Aneris was more serious and greyfaced. But mostly she was jealous of Eris, who was born pregnant and birthed the human race as Her children - immortal, without semblance of illusions such as right or wrong, monogamy or sexual and gender discrimination, aging and therefore death.

Suffice to say, Aneris was pissed. How dare her sister get the privilege of being born pregnant while she was forever sterile!? Therefore, her solution was rightly sound: the old standby of "If I can't have immortal demigod children, then no one can!"

 As you can clearly see, this "logic" is not only stupid, but is ironically illogical for a being such as Aneris. In her petty jealousy, Aneris gave Humanity five curses: the curse of Right and Wrong, the curse of Mortality (hence why everything begins in life and death; Eris births our spirits and shapes our mortal bodies, Aneris makes us grow older and eventually die), the curse of Order, the Curse of Hate (which comes in many forms, most prominently racism and anti-LGBT viewpoints), and finally the curse of Seriousness, more popularly known as the Curse of Greyface after its most prominent ancient philosopher.

Spirituality wants nothing to do with his sisters' BS, hence why he has no place in Discordian Creation. And honestly, who'd want to be? So thanks a ton, Aneris. You're the reason we as a species are so screwed up.  

Anyways, we cannot see Eris, at least not with our own mortal eyes. We can, however, freely communicate with Her through a small part of our brain known as the pineal gland. How one interprets the Goddess is purely up to Her, as she appears to many in different forms. This, for instance, is how the Greeks and Romans interpreted her:

And this is how I (and a number of my generation) interpret her:

(Thank you to @Randimaxis for linking me to this amazing fan art of Billy and Mandy's Eris!)

Either way, Eris can and does appear however and whenever she sees fit - she routinely likes to play jokes on unsuspecting victims - it's her way of showing she loves you.

That about covers it for Our Lady of Discord, I should think.

WHAT ARE THE RULES OF 3s AND 5s?

The Rule of 5s is a well-known and documented phenomenon in Discordianism, having been first recorded in the Principia. It is a way of thinking by seeing the number 5 in everything - as 5 is Eris' favorite number. Much less known, however, is the Rule of 3s, first revealed by the Goddess to me when we first began talking about life, the universe, and everything (we both agree it's an excellent book, probably one of Douglas Adams' best). "3," so saith the Goddess, "is my second favorite number. Not as much as 5, mind you. That's not why nobody has noticed it before you, darling."

" But my Lady, my Goddess, my Lover! " I implored. "What is the Rule of 3s?" I then received a hard backhand for my insolence.

"If you'll just let me talk for a moment," Eris told me rather irritably, narrowing her eyes so that I could see the purple mascara coating them, her ruby red lips pursed, " I shall impart the knowledge of the number 3 onto you. " I soon found myself in a classroom setting, Lady Eris standing in front of a blackboard with a pointer on 3 large words written in chalk: THE RULES OF THREE AND FIVE. "Are you ready to begin your lesson?"

"Yes ma'am!" I said, sitting up as straight as I could, ready to jot down notes.

"Now then," saith the Goddess. "As you know, the Rule of 5s state that Discordians such as yourself see the number 5 in everything. Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"Do you know why?" Oh boy, now she was testing my mind grapes.

"No." I answered honestly.

"The Rule, or Law of 5s, exists because you perceive it to be true." Eris said as she turned around to write on the board ( my thoughts as I watched her do so are both inappropriate to post here and irrelevant to the discussion) and drew a small diagram to illustrate the point. "The same goes for the number 3. You perceive things in groups of 3 and 5 because you see past material illusion. " She turned around and tapped the center of her forehead to indicate the pineal gland. To demonstrate, she picked up the Apple of Discord and placed it directly in front of me, on top of my notes. "Tell me, Renegade, what do you see in front of you?"

"The Apple of Discord, what else would it be?" I answered like the smartass I was. That earned me a whack across the face from the pointer. Eris glared at me again, biting her lower lip to keep from screaming in rage. I immediately wisened up and looked closer at the Apple. Sure, it resembled an ordinary apple at first glance, albeit a golden one with ' Kallisti' inscribed into it. If I looked closer, however, I could see it divided into three parts: the body, the stem, and the leaf. Observing it even closer yielded a further result. Kallisti. Kal-li-sti. Three syllables. Now I understood. Leaning down to face me, the Goddess and I locked eyes.

"Now do you understand? The Rules of 3s and 5s are similar, yet different. The differences are superficial and irrelevant. What matters is the perception."

" Like how neither subjective or objective truth are the same, only two halves of capital-T Truth?" I immediately found myself pulled into a loving embrace by my Goddess.

"You've got it, darling!" she cheered. " You've got it with flying colors!" She kissed me passionately, and I kissed her. When that was said and done, she departed from me, our meetup over.

I left with my first real understanding of Truth.

THE HONEST TRUTH ABOUT DICHTONOMIES

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All statements are true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true and false and meaningless in some sense. -Principia Discordia

From birth, we are taught to see the world in certain ways - good vs. evil, Republicans vs. Democrats, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, etc. and scooby dooby doo. However, Discordianism's central tenet is to ask the question, "What is, exactly, the Truth, of the world?" And much like the Rule of 3s, it can be boiled down to this.

1. There is order, which is known as Aneristic Truth.
2. There is also Disorder, known as Eristic Truth.
3. Both are mere illusions; there is neither order or disorder, for both are dual aspects of Chaotic Truth.

Now, this doesn't give you the right to, say, set the local portapotty on fire or stalk one's ex; you're still gonna get in trouble for those. Discordianism is not about needless violence nor is it about trying to keep order even when doing so is counterproductive to safety or wellbeing. Eris is a playful anarchist; essentially she's the non-malicious internet troll or shitposter. She gets reactions out of people, whether it's laughter, confusion, or confused laughter. She loves anyone and everyone, even her supposed enemies. She does have her standards, however, and ensures that her followers don't go too far in their mischief making.

THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF DISCORDIANISM

I figured we should finish this blog off by outlining the basic rules of Discordianism which its followers are simultaneously are supposed to follow and disobey at their leisure. It is also known as the Pentabarf.

1. There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
2. A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.
3. A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Roman Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).
4. A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.
5. A Discordian is Prohibited from Believing What he reads.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. Hail Discordia!